


take it slow, we will find a new place to go

by bountifulsilences



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Headaches & Migraines, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Paranoia, Past Torture, Photography, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Standard Winter Soldier Warnings, touch sensitivity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-06-17 07:32:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 108,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15456375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bountifulsilences/pseuds/bountifulsilences
Summary: Wherein Bucky Barnes learns that recovery consists of a lot of hot chocolate, hiking, photographing animals, and befriending two millennials who trust too easily.Steve Rogers is a plus he never thought he could have but can't bear to lose once he's got him. (Life happens anyway).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is the most ambitious project I have ever taken on. I started writing this last year in February (2017) and forced myself to finish it because I only write sad things and the boys deserve better! I will add more tags as I post the chapters, I can't do it now purely because I don't know what they all are, but I do delve into some themes that need warnings. 
> 
> At the beginning of every chapter I will try to tag anything that I think deserves an additional mention just in case and some of them may contain spoilers but...I value your wellbeing more than this book so its gotta happen.
> 
> that being said I really don't know how to feel about this fic but considering its the first novel I've ever finished it holds a special place in my heart. so, without further adieu, I hope you can ignore the mistakes (I suck at editing) and I hope you enjoy this nonetheless! :)
> 
> this fic was inspired by America - XYLO, give it a listen it's a good song.

Everything had an end. A point in which it halts, unable to maintain acceleration, coaxed back into submission. Surrendering to the clutches of its handlers.

Standing on the dark, wooden porch, sun casting a bronze glow over the shimmering lake and blanketing the cabin with imminent darkness, Bucky breathed for the first time in eight long months. A cool breeze snaked around his body, jacket levitating like a cape, and he shivered involuntarily.

He found a home.

Acres of land surrounded it, that nobody ever had to cross, and woods enclosed the entire house; trees soared to the sky, leaves gently swaying in their descent to the ground, and a fierce smell of fall hung in the air. The summer bloom was beginning to diminish, as the promise of change came swift and sharp.

He missed the first transition of weather due to delirium and amnesia, but he had the rest of his life to witness the beauty of seasonal shift now that he was free. Countless opportunities would arise in the future, he just had to get there. The cabin itself was large, coated in wood that was different shades of brown that had sunk into the timber creating a faded effect. It looked vast before the outstretched trees.

The porch on which he stood was accessible by a set of short stairs leading directly to the front door, an opening to his new world. Near the door was a swing chair, large and inviting, decorated with various sized cushions, giving him an exceptional view of the lake, aswell as the mountains in the distance. The previous owners left it as a gift. Fencing lined the porch, short enough to gaze over, but tall enough so that nobody would fall, (so Bucky wouldn't again) and, if he thought about it long enough, it was for the aesthetic. It seemed to amplify the aura of impressiveness around the cabin.

With one large cone surrounding the elongated windows on the second floor, they provided unprecedented access to the sunrise regardless where it was seen- the master bedroom, bathroom, or even the gym- a newly renovated appendage, a former office.

The exterior of the house was as such, windows were littered around the entire cabin, but not too many, as temperature dropped drastically during winter. The entire building was insulated, the owners had insisted it, but it still got cold, so he was best to store wood for the fireplace under the porch, needed to prepare for the icy gales. The warning was unnecessary, he had thought, he was quite accustomed to the cold, but the sentiment remained all the same. They were being kind.

Inside was a modern and integrated living room/kitchen, with a staircase on the right leading to the upper floor, the sofa and large TV to his left, leaving the back of the cabin to be the kitchen. It was furnished when he bought it, saving him the time he’d waste doing it himself, and with solar panels decorating the roof, when the sun rose, he could collect energy. The cabin was perfect.

It wasn't too big, could easily harbour three people comfortably, and felt large enough for the air to enter and leave effortlessly. Since the land was overflowing with trees, few people knew how to get in and out, it was concealed so nobody could find him. Even the road leading to his house was subjected to camouflage.

It felt too good to be true, a perfect home fabricated by the crafty hands of his imagination, but it was. It undeniably was. He was as safe as he could be in a world desperate to pry him apart.

When the Asset dropped Captain America's body onto the mud, carefully watching his parted lips to make sure he was breathing, he thought- a rather eccentric thing, dangerous too, prohibited by Hydra- accumulating all the speculation to: who? The fundamental enquiry for his trek to come.

Who was he? Who was the man on the bridge? Who were they?

Questions with seemingly no answer. This continued until something startled him out of that train of a thought, a punishment buzzing in his metal arm, and it didn't hurt. Nothing hurt. But it was a warning. A reminder. A threat. _Mission report_.

Staring at the fallen hero, he tracked the movement of his chest, wary to leave if ceased or quivered whilst he was there. But it didn’t, promising a swift recovery. Satisfied that the man was breathing, he stomped away, shoes drenched. The nearest Hydra safehouse was four hours away. He could make it there in three.

With a destination in mind, his trek began to find those responsible for him, but, before he was fully enclosed in the branched exposure, a quiet, rough voice called out, "B-Buck?"

He made it to the safehouse three days too late.

S.H.I.E.L.D had fallen, Alexander Pierce was dead, and the world had access to covert information courtesy of Widow. He absorbed as much as he could using the resources given to him, initiating the quest to salvage his true identity.

Things hadn't been easy, far from it in fact, homelessness and paranoia making his life more difficult than it already were. But once he learnt how to steal millions from Hydra, he piled it up until he had so much money that he didn't know what to do. That was, until, he decided to stop running.

The money was scattered across the states in different location, should he ever go back. However, knowing that Captain America would never stop pursuing him, unless he truly disappeared, he knew what he had to do. Had to settle down. Freeing them both from the constant searching and irrevocable events of the past.

So, when passing through West Virginia, he ambled through the greenery finding a peace that he thought had long abandoned him. Rocky mountains with peaks glistening under the sun rays formed a ring of rugged daggers. Masked in snow they beckoned him, convincing him to stay. He couldn’t deny the pull.

A real-estate agent, going by the name of Jake Campbell, enthusiastic and ambitious, aided him in locating the perfect home, gushing, "this is my first real job, y'know? I just want to find you the best home, Mr Barnes. I want this to be a success."

Bucky nodded along, scanning the pages of the catalogue, itching to find some place safe. He couldn't help but share the same thought as Jake. He wanted it to be a success too.

In the end, whilst uncovering cabins on the internet, Jake animatedly explaining, "I'm 24 and this is my first secure job, can you even believe it? I sure can't. The agency said if I can help you find the one they'll keep me on, so I've got a lot riding on this too. But we've got this. The internet is the home to a mill-"

"Wait," Bucky intervened gently, his right, gloved index finger lightly grazing the laptop screen. Jake immediately hushed. Mouth gaped as he breathed, his eyebrows furrowed, he instructed, "scroll up to- yeah that one. What about this?"

A cabin bestowed behind a lake.

Nodding, Jake latched onto it. Reading the information intently and quickly, as Bucky admired the pictures on the site, he appeared in awe himself, and quiet. They were a few blissful moments.

"Ah, well, you sure know how to pick 'em Mr Barnes, that's over two million dollars!"

Shrugging, Bucky disclosed, "money's not an issue." And on an afterthought, added, "call me James."

Grinning brightly, Jake nodded and continued, "well James, this is 2.3 million dollars, has a master bedroom and bathroom. There a spare room, currently used as an office but that can be renovated. Spacious living room, integrated with a modern and up-to-date kitchen- furnished and has a killer view. Huge lake, I'm sure these pictures don't do it justice and oh- you can see the mountains too! I like this one. Woodland all around, perfect place for hunting and access to three different towns, including this one-"

Humming, Bucky held onto all the information, committing them to memory and stared at the picture in consideration.

"It says the owners are willing to negotiate the price, so that's a good sign, they're compatible. Oh, and before I forget! You get a lot of land too, so that’s included in the overall price. You can't get one without the other I'm afraid, they're a joint package but hey, at least it's private. Nobody ever has to pass through without your permission."

"Can we check this one out?"

Jakes grin intensified. "I'll book us an appointment! You still have my number right, and your phone?"

Bucky checked his pockets hopelessly, patting down on his jeans until he felt the rectangular object. Digging his fingers into his jeans, he recovered it into his possession and frowned. "It's not- the screen-"

Rolling his eyes, Jake took the phone from his grasp, startling him and tried pressing a couple of buttons. It didn't turn on. "It's dead. You need to charge it. Wait, I should have a…" His voice faded, an epiphany illuminating his face and he gasped. "I'm so sorry James! I didn't mean to take your phone, here." He threw it back. "Please don't tell my boss. He'll fire me for like, harassment. I don't think he likes me much."

Gulping, Bucky thrusted the phone into Jakes possession and said, "charge it. I'm not telling anyone."

Earnestly, he asked, "you sure? Because I totally understand, I violated, like every unwritten rule you have. I'd complain."

Rolling his eyes now, Bucky insisted, "charge it. I want to see this cabin."

"Alright, I will. You wait here while it charges, I'm going to ring the owners to arrange an appointment. The sooner the better?"

Bucky nodded.

"Alright James. One 2.3-million-dollar cabin coming right up!"

Excusing himself, Jake left the room, leaving Bucky alone. A comfortable silence replaced the lack of noise. Breathing out, Bucky basked in the serenity of it. But it never lasted long. Nothing ever does when Jake is around.

Bursting through the door two minutes later, Jake announced, "good news James! They said the cabin is free to check out whenever, just give them the time and date so they can unlock it for you."

"So, what did you say?"

Sitting down in the chair next to him, Jake continued, "well, since I've not seen you this eager like, ever, I told them tomorrow. 11am sharp and we'll be there for two hour’s tops. Figured you'd want to get a feel of the place, you know?"

Calculatingly, Bucky nodded. Perhaps Jake wasn't too bad after all.

The next day, Bucky spent the two hours vigilantly: observing the vicinity, inspecting the house, and then strolling down to the lake, sitting down on the port, legs dangling over. The sun shone vibrantly, kissing his skin and it was peaceful. Tranquil. He loved it.

Gently following up behind him, Jake sat down beside him, shoulders brushing slightly causing Bucky to tense, but Jake quickly adjusted himself. Shuffling into position, notebook and pen clasped in hand and resting on his lap, the scenery enraptured his gaze too.

"So…it's a yes, I'm guessing?"

Bucky hummed. "Definitely a yes."

He had finally found a home.

Morning in his household were always the same. A routine that he followed strictly. This morning was no different.

With so many animals living harmoniously in the woods, the birds often woke him early, chirping loudly and greeting the day that had just begun. Yawning quietly, Bucky pushed himself into a sitting position, exposing the ascending ball of fire and watched it sleepily.

Stretching his upper body, a few joints cracked before the tension dissolved and a thick cloud of relief nestled into his saggy arms. Then he exited the bed. Doing the same for his legs, he went to the bathroom and quickly relieved himself, before trudging down the stairs and into the kitchen.

It was cool, cold air pleasantly nipping his bare skin as Bucky gulped down a glass of water, ate an apple, and then truly started his day off with his most favourite exercise: a run. With the sun peeking over the horizon, the ground was illuminated, supplied with enough light to shape Bucky’s path. Getting his water bottle out of the fridge, he changed his clothes, slipped his shoes on, and left the house leaving the door open. There was nothing to steal.

Starting it off with a jog, he went to the left of his cabin, revealing a small dirt path concealed poorly by branches. He brushed past them, endeavouring into the woods until all he could see was brown all around, and maintained his speed, appreciating the scenery around him. It was mesmerising, the way the trees blurred around him, as though he had frozen time itself and it was comforting to think he had. He didn't ponder why too much.

His run was never alone, that was the first thing Bucky learnt. His hypersensitive eyes were still programmed to detect the slightest movement, and in a forest everything moved. Elk, bears, falcons- everything. It was unnerving at first, registering a haze in the corner of his eye that may be a Hydra agent, or Steve, but soon he began to accept it, recognise the type of blur. Animal, not human.

It was not his home first. It belonged to the animals. And with that mindset, he carried on his merry way, straying clear of the creatures and ensuring he didn't spook them. Of course, that was difficult to do, considering they had superior hearing and tracked him how he did them, constantly aware. Now, he just let it be, allowing nature to take its course. They could keep an eye on him, he couldn’t stop them from reciprocating his own actions.

They weren’t the only ones with enhanced hearing, after all he had the super serum. But some days he didn't feel like it mattered much, not if it couldn't heal the most prevalent wound. His fried brain.

Before, when he was mindlessly hobbling through the states and even across the world, reaching countries with Hydra bases to locate his identity, his brain was crumbling under the strain. The stress and anxiety, uncertainty combined with fear of himself coerced him to settle. Find himself a home in which he was safe, but so were the people around him. Only God knew how many lives his hands had official stolen.

After two months of searching vigorously he had found it, and perhaps, much more.

His first encounter with Jake was rather memorable, as the agency directed him over to the struggling temp, promising he’d help him find a house. From the way they sneered down on Jake and smirked when Bucky approached him, something in his chest tightened. They clearly expected the kid to fail, thus unable to secure a job at the firm and would be let go.

When Jake greeted him with a large, exuberant grin, disregarding the state of him (he was certain the tears in his clothes and blood stains were on display), Bucky knew he would have to help him in process. Jake wouldn't lose his job and Bucky would find a home. They both depended on it. And they did it.

Increasing his jog into a run, his mind began to clear, fatigue seeping out his body and everything calmed. The forest hummed contently.

Jake helped Bucky find his perfect home, resulting in the biggest sale the company ever made, and they didn't throw him off like their original plan entailed. He stayed put, but this time feet planted firmly in the soil and unwavering, a mighty tree in the forest. It was settled, the position was his to keep.

Due to his nature, Jake insisted that Bucky and he go out for drinks, celebrate the huge successes for both of them, but he couldn't accept thus declining as gently as he could.

"Sorry pal."

"But James, it's been two long and tiring months, we deserve this!"

Nodding, Bucky agreed, "it has, and you do. So, have some drinks on me, okay?"

Digging his fingers into his jacket, he retrieved a couple of notes and gave them to Jake, who indignantly denied the money. Bucky frowned.

"Drinks are on you if you come. Those are the rules."

He rolled his eyes, grumbling, "go and celebrate with your friends, Jake."

By a fraction, Jake deflated. But he recovered quickly, shaking his head. "This is our success though."

He didn't have any friends. Jake was alone just like Bucky.

"Maybe next time."

Stalking to his jeep, he could feel Jakes disappointment transmit in waves. Bucky didn't look at him again.

The run gradually exceeded into a sprint and suddenly Bucky was doing the best part of his morning routine, climbing up trees and jumping from branch to branch, gliding across the floor swiftly, twisting over broken logs and trunks. The wind pushed his brunet locks out of his face, as a grin formed on his lips.

Sun still rising, the heat engrossed Bucky, colliding with the coolness of the air and it was liberating. The acres of land proved the perfect workout. Easy to hide in, exercise in, relax and wonder. With the promise of change in the air every morning, there were no clone days in his future. He was living.

After exhausting himself completely, hopping in between the trees, climbing up the skyscrapers just because he wanted to and panting gracefully, he had to extract himself out of it. He still hadn't eaten anything apart from the breakfast and he could feel the effects coming undone.

So, trudging back to the cabin, taking generous gulps of his water, he wiped his face using the front of his tank top and brushed the stray hairs out of his face. Back in the kitchen, he made himself toast with scrambled eggs, a cup of tea steaming next to the plate.

Sitting down at his dining table, facing the vast lake, he ate in a contemplative silence, accustomed to the quietness. It was kind against his sometimes-chaotic mind, and it was soothing for the outside to not reflect the hysteria he contained inside of him. The cities did, which is why he ran.

Unable to understand, he found it harder to comprehend the present- the future, and he found himself craving simplicity. Life before the war, where he worked, had fun and when things were simpler. Not easier, because nothing was ever easy for him, but simpler indeed.

He had been living in the cabin for almost a month, and Bucky was slowly starting to explore the true magnificence of the place, venturing out into the woods daily. Without a proper job (though he figured if necessary, he could always apply for part-time) most of his time was spent free. Doing whatever he liked, whenever and at his own pace.

The future was daunting, that he had to admit. Once his mind was out of the blender for good, he could use basic technologies like a phone, or iPad. But understanding them, combined with memories of deprivation and nothing-more-than-necessary, it took him a while to get used to. Most of the days, he never used them.

Hence Jake nagging him constantly to charge his phone and to reply to his emails at the very least. Bucky still hadn't unpacked his laptop. But, he did have Wi-Fi, Jake installing it for him before he could even move in to the place, so when he did decide to use it, Bucky had access to the Internet.

These days, he had taken a liking to pictures. Photography. Found the process therapeutic, and blissful when capturing the serene magnificence of his land. After purchasing the best camera he could find- " The Panasonic DMC-G6 was voted best camera of the year, I'm sure you'll love it, Mr Barnes." - he had taken a liking to using it.

After lunch, Bucky would try to figure out how to use it, improving as every day passed by and he'd meander in the woodland area, consider the mountains, and dive into the ponds. It was spectacular. But until then, he had a couple of hours, wherein he had nothing to do.

His house was clean, he was still unbothered by the TV and since there was nothing more for him to do, he figured he'd learn how to use his laptop. Great.

Finishing off his breakfast, he washed and dried his dishes, stacking them back where they emerged from and then ambled up the stairs into his room. First, he'd shower. Then, he'd conquer the world of computer science.

Stealing the millions from Hydra wasn’t a solo job, when he had found people willing to make thousands from simply hacking bank accounts of random people, it was an easy ride from there. It not like the Hydra operatives noticed, they were filthy rich.

By the time he was done and dressed, the clock showed the time 8:37am, and he whistled under his breath. Earlier than he had anticipated. But, it made no difference to his day, early bird gets the worm (right?) so he returned to his living room and searched for the laptop.

It was still in the store-bought bag, customised with the brand logo and for some reason he had a weird inkling that his phone was in it. He really hoped not. He thought it was in his bedside drawer.

After looking everywhere, he found the bag the most obvious place, next to the TV and shook his head, raising his eyebrows at himself. "Well done Barnes, you'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed to your body." The phone wasn’t in it.

Dragging it back, he plopped onto his couch and lifted the bag onto the table, next to the remotes. It was a quiet morning, despite the birds being awake, and he figured some noise would him good. Picking up both remotes, he pressed the red buttons and soon enough, it came to life. Vaguely, he could recall reading some instructions, but Bucky was always a hands-on guy and figured he didn't need them.

So, he threw booklets in the bin. Wonderful.

Already doubting himself, he made work with screen, realising what remotes dictates what and soon enough, he had put a movie on. It was an animation called The Lego Movie and he let it play aimlessly in the back. It seemed okay.

Pulling the large container out of the bag in front of him, he saw a sleek laptop slapped bang in the middle, and the name Macbook Air decorate the side. It was a 13-inch model, presumably with better storage than its sibling, and apparently, according to the sales assistant was, "a good product for the obscene money investment."

Bucky had shrugged and got it. The assistant seemed too pleased about it for him to consider earnest helpfulness, but he didn't really care. He just needed a laptop.

Opening it up, he saw a large, square device, with a half-bitten apple in the centre, and he felt vaguely intrigued. He couldn't understand why, considering much of it was junk, but there was something exhilarating in new things. Liberating in a way he hadn't felt in a while.

Taking the actual laptop out of the box, he ignored the charger and instructions beneath it, shrugging off the transparent foil covering it and set it on his lap. Glancing at the TV, he paused in his track as he saw a girl with a face of yellow and black hair, lined with coloured streaks say to another character, "this is real Music Emmet. Batman's a true artist."

Curiously, Bucky started listening to the racket playing and chuckled. "The opposite of light. Black hole. Curtains drawn."

Batman sure was something, he'd give him that. Returning his attention to the laptop, he swung it open, exposing the blemish free screen, and looked for the on button. There wasn't one.

Frowning, he looked at the entire surface, the bottom, and the top for a hidden click, but, nothing. In the end, he pressed all the buttons on the top row hoping one of them would work. The last one on the right did, he kept that information securely in his mind.

After that, things were simple. The laptop did most of the work by explaining what he had to do, guiding him through the process of making an account, connecting to the Wi-Fi, customising his date and time. Thoroughly, he was impressed, it was an impressive device.

Had this been around during the war, Howard would've loved the- No. No.

Dispelling such thoughts, he divided his attention by watching the movie at the same time, finding that he liked it. It was enjoyable and funny, most likely, for kids. He loved Batman, chuckling most of the time he spoke, and the blatant hero, Emmet. Actually, they were all a bunch of hilarious weirdos and found all of them awesome. But he leaned more towards Batman. It was probably because of the black.

He made do until he managed to activate the laptop and then, he truly began to appreciate it. Working smoothly and efficiently, it was light and easy to handle, since he was familiar with the basic terminology he could navigate through the endless apps easily and, after so much delay, he could use the Internet at last. A reward for all his hard work.

The Lego Movie finished too soon, and Bucky was regretful that he didn't get to watch most of it, but he assumed it would come on again, some time. He'd catch up, as they say.

On the laptop, he hesitantly opened a new tab, and his fingers hovered across the keyboard, too anxious to type, until he breathed deeply and reminded himself, that he could make sure the guy was alive, and typed in: Captain America.

Millions of results came up, and the most recent were links to newspaper articles.

'Captain America stands by polar expedition.'

'Avengers Initiative: Success or Failure?'

‘Here’s What The Captain Has To Say About Bananas’

None of them stated that he was dead, nor dying, so Bucky let out a sigh and scrubbed his face with his palm, crossing off the tab. Though he couldn't be near Steve, too dangerous and alien, he liked knowing that the punk was still alive. They couldn't have made it into the new millennium just to die, something he told himself every day, and so, he needed some consolation.

A reminder that his old friend was alive and was doing good. Established well within his group, Bucky knew the Avengers all cared for each other, and that was what Steve needed. Somebody to care about him.

Sighing again, Bucky banished any lingering thoughts of Captain America and closed the laptop, putting it on the table in front of him. He knew Steve was his best friend before things deteriorated, and he knew that he was actively pursuing him, friend Sam Wilson accompanying him. Clearly, he wanted to make contact.

But Bucky knew nothing good could come from it, thus had to separate them. He was different. An amnesiac clone. And Steve didn't deserve that. He needed stability, consistency, and safety. Things Bucky couldn't offer anymore.

Shaking his head, eradicating the thoughts for the last time, he leaned forward, grabbing the remote and flicked through channels, mindless. He didn't really like to think of his forgotten past, not when it was unattainable. The present and future were safer bets.

There was some sort of nature show playing, there were animals, and the landscape was beautiful, so Bucky let that simmer in the background and got up, stretching his legs. Using the hair tie around his wrist, he pulled his hair up into a messy bun and yawned.

It was just a little after 9, still bright and early, but not early enough for the shops in the nearby towns to be closed. He needed to buy some groceries, proper food now that he was establishing himself. Living off ready-made meals that had to be microwaved was getting tiring and unappetising. In the back of his mind, he knew that he used to be good at cooking.

Could make a dish with the few ingredients available but when Hydra wiped him, he lost that ability and was now surviving on whatever simply needed warming up. But not anymore, he had to start eating proper and take care of himself, even when he didn't want to. It was what normal people did.

It was a slow process, adapting to such a lifestyle, but he was doing it.

He drove to the nearest town, Ouray, in his beat-up jeep that had frankly seen better days. Buying the groceries, he kept his head down and avoided the curious eyes tracking his movements. They weren't Hydra, he could weed those agents out easily, but it was still unnerving. To be shadowed by so many people. He kept a knife on him at all time.

His trip was short, and offering the cashier a curt nod, with a, "thank you," he broke any attempts of engaging in a conversation and returned to his home soon. He was still wary of the townsfolk.

Back at the cabin, the show was still running, the air was bitter and he made way putting away all the food. It was good. Calming.

Once he had finished, he whipped up some lunch, eating it earlier than usual, and packed some away for his trip. He'd get hungry no doubt. Storing it in his rucksack, he went to get his camera, taking out the charger and switching off the plug. Checking the battery, it was sure enough full, good to last him the entire day, and he put on a new pair of shoes too. Not his running ones, but boots. They were easier for the rocky areas.

Tugging on his jacket, his hair was still in a bun and he put his bag on his back, walking out of the cabin. He pointedly turned off the TV.

When it came to photography, he didn't have much of a style or method. Most of the time, he freelanced each shot, still learning how to use the other features properly. Bucky decided that it wasn't the camera that determined the results, rather the way the picture was taken. It was just a poor excuse for him to make himself feel better. It worked.

Trudging through the forests, he didn't have a destination in mind like most days, and usually encapsulated an image that was striking to his naked eyes. That meant a lot of aimless walking, and a keen eye that was constantly observing his vicinity.

A few minutes into his trek, he paused, a calculating look powering his features. The trees were spurting on mini hills, small bumps that went on for as far as Bucky could see, and he took the camera out of his rucksack, it feeling small and light in his large, callous hands. Pulling out a larger lens, he attached it to the pre-existing camera lens, slotting in place.

Taking a few footsteps back, he crouched slightly, causing the light emitting over the canopy of trees to dim. On the screen, he saw the clouds of leaves blacken, and the grass covered floor illuminate, as light still reached the bed of the forest. Watching it for a second longer, he adjusted the interchangeable lens, focusing on faraway objects and considering the peephole, he took a picture. 

Hoping it came out right, he knew it wouldn't be blurry (his hands never wavered) he checked his pictures and was pleased with the outcome.

The surrounding trees were partially blurred, yet distinct enough for the large branches to show the intricate details of leaves. A small glow from above transmitted onto the grass below, forming a white passage of shimmering light, creating an illusion that it sourced the lighting on the ground. Scattered across the floor were elongated plants, painted into different variations of the season, green, yellow and red.

Grinning, Bucky nodded to himself and he carried on walking, feeling particularly pleased that the first one came out as well as it did. He wasn't an expert- was far from it. He was an amateur he was sure, but it was small successes like those that built him up.

Delving further into the forest, he spent a couple of hours taking more pictures, capturing some brilliant ones of the animals too. In fact, he snapped one of a bear rubbing it's back against a tree.

Pressed against the rough bark, two of its front paws hanging onto a branch in front of it, and it was moving vigorously. Bucky stared it for a few moments, breathing careful and controlled, and he was captivated by the craziness of the whole ordeal. The bear was almost three metres tall, hind legs creased and he was huge. Able to take Bucky down with a mere swipe.

He couldn't help but ogle and appreciate it's build, and took a picture, not too zoomed in so that neighbouring trees were included, yet focused entirely on the animal, as it relieved an itch. The shutters of the camera snapped, making a distinguishable noise echo in between the woodland and the bear stopped, immediately alert.

Watching it pinpoint the noise, he made the slowest movements, not wanting to aggravate it, and planned an escape route if things turned hostile. He knew he was no match for a bear, he'd be torn in half easily, but Zola administered him with this serum and it had to be good for something, even it came to outwitting animals. He'd take it.

Thankfully, the bear didn't advance, sniffed the air gliding from Bucky's direction and huffed, growling low under its breath. He knew a warning when he saw one, and vigilantly, he backed the way he came, keeping it up until he had lost sight of it.

Breathing deeply, he thanked his instincts for helping him make it out alive and promised to do some research for future instances. They were inevitable meetings, and he had to prepare. He couldn't have survived all that time just to die from a bear maul. It just wasn't possible.

Returning to the cabin, the sun was starting to set, radiating a hazy luminosity and the lake twinkled enchantingly. Entering his house, he shrugged off the rucksack and jacket, shivering as he did, and grabbed the remote on the way to his fireplace. Turning on the TV, he didn't bother with what was on and instead made work of igniting the logs.

The house had a central heating system which he usually activated if it was especially cold, controlling it manually and through his phone, but he preferred the old-fashioned fireplace. Sprinkling a few firelights atop of the logs, he dug out a lighter from his rucksack and tearing some paper out of the Macbook Air instruction manual, started the fire.

It emerged slowly, a weak sequence of red, but, blowing gently against it, he remembered distinctly, _"don't breathe on it, that's how it dies you punk. Blow gently in the corner, it needs oxygen to thrive."_

_"I know how to start a fire Buck, I'm not completely useless."_

_Grumbling, Bucky replied, "could've fooled me. Now blow, don't let it die. If it does then I might just turn into an icicle."_

Coming out of it, Bucky blinked, vision fixed on the dancing flames in front of him and he swallowed a sigh, breathing deeply. Another memory, something from the war. He could piece them together more effectively now and was no longer suffocated when he remembered something.

He supposed it was because his entire life wasn't a mission, he was resting and healing now, as opposed to fighting and hurting, which eased his mind. Either way, he didn't care because it was less painful, and he appreciated it all the same.

That night, he scraped together a somewhat decent meal, using his laptop to search for simple recipes. The final product wasn't too nice, and it didn't look like the picture on the website, but it was much better than the frozen meals he'd been living off and ate it wholeheartedly.

Thankfully he couldn't die of food poisoning. It was tried and tested, so his awful cooking wouldn't kill him.

He ate whilst watching something on TV, and then around ten, found his eyes drooping. Turning off the appliances, extinguishing the cosy fire and gathering his tired limbs, he went to bed, relaxed and easy. He didn't feel entirely safe, couldn't be sure he ever would after the things Hydra did and promised him, but he felt the closest to it when he went to sleep.

In his boxers and a random tank top he obtained from the drawer. He slept as peacefully as his situation would allow, and he was grateful to get more than five hours. His day was a success.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say, what to call this, but i'd like to say it's nice. our boy's trying to be functional adult and isn't that all that matters?? 
> 
> all mistakes are my own but I hope this is enjoyable nonetheless and I don't think any warnings apply but if you doo lmk. now, onto chapter 2 we go !

They rest of the months followed as such, easing into December as the cold intensified, Bucky learned how to cook and how to live again.

Religiously, he went out into the woodland (stump insulated with a scarf) and took pictures, some days more successful than others but it was still good, and he enjoyed it. As promised, he began learning more about some of the animals he shared the forest with, for their safety and his, finding that TV had documentaries that educated people on these things, he didn't have to use the Internet alone.

He had good nights and bad, but it was part of the process he reminded himself: he was healing. So, on the particularly bad days, where his head throbbed like an infected wound, he kept to his bed, sleeping it off until he could eat. It wasn't fun, but then again recovery wasn't the most enjoyable process. He had to endure it.

A week into December, the camera stopped working notifying him that all his storage was full. Frowning, he deleted some of his worst and earliest pictures but couldn't part with the rest, liking them too much. Unsure of what to do, he went into town returning to the store where he purchased it to ask for some professional help.

He liked the camera, it was efficient and easy to use doing most of the work for him. It was nice.

Strolling up to the desk labelled 'Customer Service' he waited impatiently for the employee to finish helping another woman before addressing him, and surveyed the store robotically, eyes cataloguing every movement and its source. Eventually, when the guy finished helping the lady and bid her farewell, he turned to Bucky, smiling, and gestured him to come forward.

"Hi, I'm Dennis. What can I help you with?" Dennis asked, and Bucky eyed him whilst recovering the camera. His gloves slid over the smooth surface of the device, but he latched onto it. He wouldn’t take them off, not for people to see the weapon he truly was.

"It says that the storage is full even though I've deleted some of the pictures," Bucky explained, sliding the camera on the counter, quickly glimpsing around the room.

Nodding, Dennis took it into his hands and turned it on. Bucky watched as he navigated through it, an uncomfortable feeling swarming in his stomach as he thought about his pictures and shuffled anxiously on his feet wanting the kid to hurry.

"Well sir, you're gonna have to transfer these pictures onto your laptop, since there's no fault in your settings. This model doesn't use an SD Card, I figured." Dennis rolled his eyes. "So, it's done through Wi-Fi. Do you have a laptop or…?"

"I do, but I left it at home."

"Alright, well, I'm assuming you don't know how to transfer the pictures, right?"

Bucky nodded.

"Do you have a memory stick? I can stick that in my computer and do it for you, though I'm not sure how long it'll take."

"No memory stick."

Smiling, Dennis said, "good thing we sell those here. Would you like to buy one now or come back later? It's up to you."

"Now."

"Alright, I'll go and get some for you to choose from and then I'll show you how to do it. It's easy really, I'm sure you'll pick it up no problem."

Dennis walked around the counter, disappearing into one of the alleys and Bucky sighed, tucking a fallen strand of hair behind his ear. He hoped it wouldn't take long, he was thinking about buying a coat from the local clothing stores. His weary jacket wasn’t appropriate for the blistering winds to come.

Thankfully, Dennis was back soon hand full of small packages and he dropped them on the counter, saying, "I've more or less got the best ones on sale, but if you want to have a look, feel free. I'll wait here for you."

Shaking his head, Bucky said, "no its fine, I don't care."

"Price isn't an issue I'm guessing?" Dennis asked, raising an eyebrow.

Bucky nodded. It really wasn't.

Dennis cleared the table, leaving one of the biggest memory sticks remaining and scanned it against the system. The machine beeped, and he said, "that'll be $19 please." Digging out his wallet, Bucky paid him the amount and waited.

Ripping it out of its home, Dennis tilted the package, so Bucky could see and explained, "basically, by saving the images on the memory stick you can take them with you. All of the information here is portable, and since this is a company computer, it's your easiest bet."

Slotting it into the computer, he then handled the camera and showed Bucky what he was doing. "See that button? It says Wi-Fi, so you click on that, and this comes up." It was a screen full of Internet connections. "I'll connect it to the store one, but when you go home, you'll have to connect it to yours."

"I figured," Bucky dryly replied, and Dennis chuckled, not seeing him glance in his vicinity to ensure no one was watching him. There wasn’t.

"Alright, so, let me just do this and…there. Done. Now, it's searching for nearby devices to connect with, and this one's ours. Let me just connect and…there you go. All you have to do is copy the pictures like this and hey- wait a minute-"

Frowning slightly, Bucky glanced at the computer and Dennis, itching to break the screen. On it was one of his pictures, one he had taken of the lake, during a particularly warm sunset a few weeks ago. It was one of his first attempts, thus not as good as some of his recent ones, but he still liked it enough.

The way the sky was reflected on the surface of the water, how little insects buzzed in the air, and the sun was stretching across the bottom, extending its rays to engross the wet land, it was worthy of keeping. It wasn't great, but it wasn't that bad either- a progress picture.

"Did you take this?" Dennis asked, and Bucky nodded briskly.

"Yeah," came his gruff reply, "anyway you were saying."

"Yeah, it's just, it's really good." Shaking out of it, Dennis smiled brightly and finished his tutorial, transferring all the pictures on Bucky's memory stick.

Taking them from Dennis’ proffered hands, he buried them both into his pocket and said, "thank you," not waiting for a reply and walking away with his head down, ignoring Dennis wishing him a good day.

He kept to himself as he weaved through the streets, trying to find a place where he could buy a coat and pointedly ignoring the burning sensation originating form his pocket. Having someone else see his images made him nervous and apprehensive but he couldn’t decipher why.

Most of his trips into town weren't long and were over rather quickly, him finding the prying eyes of locals too invasive. But he really needed sufficient dressing for the winter, especially when he planned to continue his daily walks not allowing a carpet of snow to stop him.

Wandering around, he managed to find a library (he'd have to visit that sometime), a gas station and housing outlets, none of which looked familiar. His memory wasn't the greatest even on good days and he often forgot more than he could allow for, but surely, he couldn't have forgotten his way to a clothing store. He'd seen it with Jake, so he knew it existed.

Huffing under his breath, Bucky turned and retreated the way he came, observant eyes documenting the route and buildings trying to preserve it to his memory. It wasn't that busy, most people were at work or school, so he could ask a passing stranger for help. But an unsettled feeling accumulated in his gut just considering it, so he knew he couldn't.

He'd have to find it himself.

Help arrived even though he never called, and Jake was strolling down the street, talking animatedly on the phone in casual clothes so Bucky knew he wasn't working. Keeping his head down, he hoped Jake would pass without realising the locks of brown hair belonged to Bucky. But things never did work out in his favour, so of course he did.

"James!" Jake called from ahead, compelling Bucky to look up and see his smile.

He nodded curtly.

Talking quickly into his phone, Bucky saw Jake end the call and hurry over to him. He never did have good luck.

"James- wait can I still call you that? I'm calling you James. It's been a while, man. How have you been? We need to catch up, come on. Let's go in there, they make the best coffee you'll ever have."

"Oh no, Jake I'm-"

"Nope, I don't care. We're having coffee first."

Bucky sighed. He might as well appease the kid, they’d never see each other again probably.

Gesturing lead the way, Jake smiled triumphantly and he entered the coffee shop, Bucky following him. They walked up to the counter, a young girl staffing it by herself and she perked up when she saw them, clearly recognising Jake. No wonder they made the best coffee.

She was tanned, with natural brown skin and a blinding smile. Hair pulled up, it gleamed under the fluorescent bulb and so did her piercings, the several that she had. From where they were walking, Bucky saw that she had some sort of nose ring, and various ones in her ears.

But, weirdly enough, he also saw a tattoo on her hand and sleeves shirt rolled up high enough to show it. It was an intricate array of swirls and flowers, starting from her fingertips all the way to her elbow.

"Hey Jake, you want the usual?" She asked, already starting on the order and Jake nodded.

"Thanks Huda, and James will have…"

"Uh, coffee, two sugars and just a splash of milk please." Looking up at Bucky, she nodded and smiled.

"I'll be right on it," she promised, and then looked down at what she was doing hiding half of her profile from them.

With the way the light was bouncing off her skin, and the nude posters in the back complimented her mocha colour, Bucky wanted to take a picture. Surprising even himself his fingers itched to seize a picture, despite the fact it wasn't proper to do so. It was just, he knew it would come out beautifully and if he could brighten the lights just a bit more, it would be perfect.

However, he couldn't for multiple reasons and suppressed the urge to take out his camera, instead listening to Jake.

"I know Huda from college. She's doing Physics and Astronomy, aren't you Huda?" Jake told Bucky and simultaneously asked her, pride and admiration evident in his voice. Clearly, Huda meant a lot to him.

Rolling her eyes, she said to Bucky off-handed whilst working, "he tells everyone he meets the same thing, but yeah, I am. I'm in my third year so far and let me tell you James, it really isn't easy. At this point, I'm just winging it."

He nodded, showing that he understood, and Jake replied, "it'll be worth it in the end when you're working for NASA or something."

"I wish," she whistled, handing Jake his cup. "But I don't think I'll be getting that far. I'd be lucky to get a job at the end of my run."

Jake looked at Bucky, nudging him expectantly, and Bucky offered, "I'm sure you will Huda."

"I suppose you're right. I mean, if Jake could get a job I'm sure anyone can. He's a handful," she sighed, smirking slyly at her friend. 

"That was because of James, he's the one who bought that cabin I told you about."

Pausing, she looked at Bucky in open shock and said, "wow, you scored a deal with that one. It's gorgeous. And you secured a job for this one at the same time, so thanks for that."

"He found me a home." Bucky shrugged. "Plus, his company sucks."

Laughing, she agreed, "they do, but hey, at least it pays the bills."

"Exactly, I'm not rich like you two. Leave the pauper alone." Jake frowned, voice light so Bucky knew he wasn't too serious.

"I'm not rich," she snorted, "my parents are. I'm making ends meet just like you, asshole."

"Your dad is a famous politician in Pakistan. He's earning millions as we speak," Jake deadpanned.

"Yeah, he is. I hope he's well," she said, grinning. "I might ask him to send a few over so we can go to the canyon. Charity heals the soul."

Rolling his eyes, Jake turned to Bucky and explained, "Huda's dad is part of the party in power and super fucking rich. She doesn't have to work, considering he sends her plenty of money every week but she does. Something about earning her keep I think?"

Passing Bucky his cup, he took it from her gratefully, and with her free hand she slapped Jake on his arm. To Bucky, she said, "I don't like using the money he sends, considering he's paying my tuition fees, so I'm working to have some money of my own, y'know? Dumbass over here thinks that's stupid. But, I don't want to depend on my family for everything. Gotta build a name for myself."

Nodding, Bucky empathised because he knew he thought the same. Moving out at nineteen, he and Steve moved into their first apartment with nothing but a casserole to their name, courtesy of Bucky's ma. He wanted to gain some independence, living with his family meant he didn't have to worry about rent or bills.

But when Steve's mom died, he knew there would be no time more better for change than then. So, he did it and they built a home for themselves from nothing.

"I'm just saying, if you've got the money, then use it."

"You know Jake, you're a lot prettier when you're quiet, wanna test out that hypothesis? Now shoo. I need to clean. Pay me before you leave."

Chuckling, Jake promised, "I'll be back Huda!" Whilst Bucky merely said, "goodbye."

He hoped he'd be able to leave then, but instead Jake sat down on one of the tables, far from everywhere else and pointed to the chair opposite him for Bucky. Sighing, he obliged, taking up residence in front of him him and sipped his drink, letting it slide down his throat. Looking around the shop, there was nothing he suspicious demanding his attention.

"How's the house? I texted you a few weeks ago asking if everything's okay and you never replied."

"I've lost my phone." Bucky confessed, figuring the truth would be the easiest explanation. He just couldn’t find it despite needing it to warm his house while he was out and on his way home. It wasn’t beside his bed and it wasn’t in his sofa. It was lost.

Jake exclaimed, "aha! I knew it. It was either that or you haven't charged it, but I figured you'd check it at least once during that time. Honestly James, why do you hate your phone so much?"

He shrugged, keeping his memory issues to himself. "I don't need it."

"If you say so," Jake accepted sceptically, "now tell me, you like the house? Is it everything you wished for and more?"

"It's great," Bucky told him, "thanks for the help."

"Hey, you secured me my job, I'd say we're even. Especially since I found out that they thought I'd fail and you'd never find anything. Remember when we met? And you were wearing that old jacket? Holes and everything? Well they thought you'd end up ripping me to shreds before I'd do anything."

Bucky remembered, the sneers they gave Jake and the smirks whilst Bucky walked to him. Bucky was difficult, that much he could admit, but he never gave up just so that they could both prove something. He could attain a home and Jake would be the one to aid him.

He was glad he didn't quit, it ended up being the best thing he'd ever done on both of their behalf.

"But thankfully you didn't, and you helped me get them back with the two million sale. They couldn't believe it James, I'm telling you. Their mouths were open in shock. Literally, I thought they broke or something. It was awesome."

Smiling tightly, Bucky told him sincerely, "glad I could help."

"You look like you're suffocating, trying to smile like that." Jake laughed. "It's alright, I'm not offended that you're emotionless most of the time. You don't have to force yourself to smile. You do you, man."

That provoked a chuckle out of Bucky, and he nodded, quietly taking a sip. "I'll keep that in mind."

They continued talking, or well, Jake spoke for the rest of their drink until Bucky finished his coffee. Pulling out his wallet using his gloved metal arm, Jake reached over and objected, "no, this on me."

Freezing, he looked down at Jakes hand touching his prosthetic and slowly, he inclined it away from Jakes grip, minimising his breaths. Transitioning the wallet into his flesh hand, Jake quickly moved back and groaned, "sorry- James, I didn't mean to- oh God."

Bucky didn't reply, focusing on regulating his erratic heart, while Jake instructed, "if I do that again just throw me across the room or something. Or don't, because I always do it. I'll try not to, promise."

Trying to diffuse the strain and change the subject, Bucky retorted, "you can't keep promises." Collecting money out of his wallet.

Jake cried indignantly, but before he could, Bucky put his money on the table. "Drinks are on me." Then, got up and proceeded to leave.

From behind, Jake shouted, "this is too much! Also, next time, they're on me!"

Bucky wasn't sure there'd be a next time, not if he could help it. Exiting the building, he stepped out into the icy winds, exposed ears tingling as the cold savaged the heat and he decided, he'd buy a coat next time he was in town. Hopefully, doing it without getting disturbed.

Returning to his house, he made lunch, packed the excess away and kept the memory stick beside his laptop so he could transfer the images into the system when he was back from taking pictures outside. When the time came, he didn’t and fell asleep instead. It had been a long day.

 

* * * *

 

The next time he saw Jake, was when he getting out of his jeep, parked outside the clothing store. Light precipitation masked his cap and his eyes were tiredly examining the vicinity. 

Jogging up to him, Jake greeted, "James! Fancy seeing you here." And Bucky suppressed a groan. He wanted to be in and out.

"Jake,” he acknowledged, and put his keys in his jacket pocket, walking into the store without waiting a reply. He hoped it would hinder his acquaintance.

However, Jake, unsurprisingly, tailed him inside and asked, "winter shopping? About time, that jacket can't be helping you out there."

Grunting, he weaved through the selection of clothing, locating men's attire, and tried to find the coats. There were rows and rows of outfits.

"Alright, you look lost and I'm starting to pity you, so come on. I'll show you the coats and we can get you a good one to help you survive the weather. It gets really fucking cold around your ends," Jake stated, shaking his head, and starting to walk away.

Nodding, he shadowed Jake until they reached an array of jackets and coats, all fit for the season. He picked one up, feeling the insulation within and pointedly found one around his size, deciding to walk to the cashier.

"Woah, whoa, whoa. Put that back James, you're not getting that," Jake informed him, angling his palm out, asking for the coat.

Eyebrows furrowing, Bucky questioned, "why?" He didn't see any obvious flaws. He just wasn't meticulous.

"It's hideous, first. I can't let you walk around in that. Second, it's too thin, you'll freeze before you even walk ten steps in it. And lastly, you didn't even try it on! How do you know it'll fit? That's right, you don't. Now put it back loser, you're doing this the right way." Jake froze realising what he said. “Uh, I mean, put it back...man?”

Frowning, Bucky didn't put up much of a fight, handing over the dingy coat to Jake and letting him put it back into its rightful place. He saw the younger man look calculatingly at the rest on the racks, before scrutinising Bucky, trying to get a feel of him.  Bucky didn't squirm.

Walking over to some long, button up coat, he pulled it out slightly, getting a better view of it, before nodding to himself and extracting it from the rack. Eyeing it, Bucky started to protest, "Jake, I need a-"

"James," Jake intervened, "try it on. You don't have many jackets or coats- I've noticed, and it's good to have a range. So, go on, let's see how you look."

Staring at him, Bucky didn't reply, just tried to decipher what Jakes intentions were. When Jake started to shift awkwardly clearly uncomfortable, Bucky sighed and nodded, nothing nefarious in sight, and said, "I'm going to a changing room."

He heard Jake make a confused noise, possibly at why he had to swap his jacket in secrecy but didn't Bucky stick around to hear him ask. Instead, he closed the door and locked it, checking for any cameras, breathing deeply to ease his chest and took off his battered jacket, hanging it up.

Metal arm on show, he bit down his paranoia and secured the scarf around the scarring, quickly clothing it with the coat, feeling it stretch slightly against his back. He needed a bigger size.

Unlocking the door and opening it, he was about to go and find Jake until he appeared, carrying various clothes for Bucky to try. Eyes wide, Bucky stared at them, and then at Jake, and then at them again.

"What?" He asked.

"Okay I know, you just want a coat but, I had to!" Jake divulged sheepishly. "I didn't know your sizes, so I had to guess but come on James, you always wear the same things and I figured, you'd like a change. It's good to look after yourself."

_"Yeah, yeah Buck. You're always looking after yourself, just hurry up this time. I need to piss.”_

Gulping, he shook his head and said, "Jake, I just want a coat for the snow, s'all."

"You won't even give them a try at least? You might end up liking them," Jake asked, holding them up.

"Sorry pal, maybe next time."

"Alright, but I'm holding you to that. There will be another time James, I'll make sure of it. Also, you look good in that trench coat, though it's a bit strained…I'll get a bigger size and you're keeping it. It's the least you could do."

Agreeing just to pacify him, Bucky saw him depart with the bundle of clothes in the direction which he came, as he waited for his return. Hopefully with something efficient so he could leave immediately. He could feel a headache coming along.

When he did, Bucky saw him carry three coats, one of them a larger size of the one he was wearing. Passing them over to Bucky, he said, "try them all on and show me, then I'll tell you if you should buy them or not, okay?"

He nodded and retreated into the changing room. He tried on the navy trench coat first, fitting him better than the previous one and reaching his knees. Feeling the pockets, they were shallow enough to fit a few necessities, not the gun and knife he had concealed in his clothes, but maybe his camera and wallet.

Showing Jake, he appraised, "yeah that's a keeper. Now try the rest." And he did, individually.

The next was up to his waist, black and waterproof, even though it didn't have a hood. It was a snug fit, with sufficient pockets and two hidden ones on the inside, perfect for extra storage. Grenades would fit well there (he didn’t need them anymore). Warm too, he noticed, as it trapped heat when he zipped it up.

"Yeah, I like this one, keep it too. Now try the last one."

The last one was puffy, reached mid-thigh and had a hoos. Possessing a zip and buttons on top of that, Bucky thought it was more like a blanket than anything, and it had the most pockets, though they were smaller in comparison to the jacket. It was the most insulated out of the three, and he didn't know how it'd work in combat, but hoped he wouldn't have to figure that out. Surely, it would hold him back.

Jake gave the third one his vote, and Bucky nodded in relief, having three coats to help him survive the season. Passing shoes, Jake paused, saying, "you got boots, don't you? It's snowing next week, saw it on the news, so you'll need something with a good grip and that can get you through a lot of snow."

Shaking his head, Bucky didn't even think about that, and walked up to them, looking through the stock. It was easier than the coats because he knew his size, and after quick consideration he had three new shoes at the end of it.

Paying for his purchases, he lugged the bags into his jeep, at the back and was about to wish Jake well before he said, "so, lunch?" Grinning brightly at Bucky, blonde hair covered in a hat.

"Time is it?" Bucky asked, because if it was too late, he'd have to give it a miss.

"Almost 12. Come on, I think Huda's working, we'll grab a bite there. Or do you want to go to the diner? They have a killer lunch menu."

"Huda's," he chose instantly, he hadn't worked up the courage for a diner yet.

Nodding, Jake hopped into the car, guiding Bucky to her workplace, and then told him the best parking spots just in case he wanted to visit by himself. He didn't.

Entering this time round, it was busier than the last, and more people were sat around. With a growing headache, Bucky found the noise irritating but tolerated it. He was a soldier after all.

"Hey Jake. James."

Bucky nodded.

"Two hot chocolates, marshmallows, cream- I want everything. And in the biggest cups you've got."

Rolling her eyes, she told a co-worker to take over as she made their drinks, and said, "s'it cold outside?"

"Fucking freezing. I was going to go home and nap-"

"-typical-" Huda muttered.

"- but then I saw James and figured I'd tag along. He wasn't looking that great," Jake finished.

"Yeah, I've noticed. You okay, James? You're looking paler than the last time I told you." Huda didn’t look concerned, but she eyed him in a way that made him think she was.

Blinking at them, he supplied, "migraines," hoping it would answer all their questions and it did, resulting in sympathetic nods.

"That sucks. My sister has them a lot, can't get out of bed, sleeps all day, hates light. It's awful. How long do yours last?" she asked.

"Uh, 2-3 days, give or take."

She whistled under her breath. "I feel for you James, I really do. Jake, make sure you sit round back, it's darker there. Don't wanna trigger another migraine, he isn't looking all that better."

Jake nodded, saluting as he said, "aye, aye captain!"

Timothy Dugan. Dum Dum. He used to say that all the time. Bucky remembered it clearly, whenever Steve barked orders, him complying after his signature response. It made Bucky feel a little hollow hearing it again.

"If I'm a captain I want a better ship. Build one for me and then we'll negotiate the title," Huda demanded, grinning as she sorted the drinks.

"I could build you a spaceship? That allowed? Since you love space so much," Jake fumbled, eyes wide and hopeful.

"I don't trust you and anything remotely related to that, so I'll have to pass. But what about you, James? You seem like your handy with a screwdriver and hammer," she observed, looking him up and down.

"Having muscles doesn't mean he's an engineer or mechanic. Or are you, one of those? Please say no, I hate being wrong to her," Jake groaned, dramatically.

Shaking his head, he disclosed, "I'm neither. But I've got steady hands."

Hydra taught him a lot of useful skills, not all of them practical. Bucky knew how to hack, he could hijack a car, knew how to control every transport available, including a ship, and so much more. Being an asset was more than just killing, and he hadn't realised that until recently.

"So, you could build a spaceship?" Jake asked, genuinely intrigued and Bucky shrugged cryptically, careful not to let them on. He wasn't that skilled.

"James don't fuck with me, you're a mysterious person okay, the type who'd know how to build a spaceship. Can you, or can you not?"

"Alright, no, I can't," he admitted, and Jake groaned in despair, Huda laughing at him.

"You actually had me going there! Build a spaceship. That just seems impossible," Jake declared, smiling despite himself. 

"Everything seems impossible to you due to the lack of brain cells," Huda quipped, an innocent smile spreading across her lips.

Narrowing his eyes, Jake said, "I'm deeply offended by that, back me up James. Bros before hoes.".

Bucky’s stare turned confused. What?

"You're already replacing me with James? How could you?"

"Yeah well, James doesn't tell me to shut up. He doesn't say a lot but at least he's not telling me to zip it. We balance each other out," Jake huffed, crossing his arms, and peering over the counter at their drinks.

"Yeah, I've noticed you're the quiet type James, but you're lucky, this one could talk for hours and you'll never have to contribute into the conversation. It's easy to study like that, uses less electricity," Huda contributed, not at all judgemental but understanding like Jake. As though she didn’t mind the elongated silences from him either.

It didn’t _matter_ they were not friends.

"You just use me for your own selfish gain, I knew it. That's cold Huda, so cold."

"I'm a broke ass college student, I deserve to be selfish."

Rolling his eyes, Jake sang under his breath, "millions," before grabbing the cup Huda was offering and gave it to Bucky.

He accepted it gratefully, taking a tentative sip. It was lovely and sweet.

"This is delicious Huda, thank you." Because Hydra couldn't eradicate his manners and he drank some more.

Huda smiled appreciatively at him, thrusting the other into Jakes grip and demand, "$8, hurry up, I have a business to run."

Moving to grab his wallet, Jake stated, "this one is on me, so don't bother James. No one is taking your money here."

He promptly paid for their drinks and Bucky let him.

"Alright, I'll see you tonight Huda, we're heading out. I think James needs a nap. The Lord knows I do."

"Stop sleeping and get some work done, you moron. But yeah, I'll see you later. Bye James! Hope you get well soon," Huda said her, voice genuine and sincere.

He nodded his thanks, unable to respond articulately.

Ambling into his truck, he paused and asked Jake, "need a lift?" He was the one who drive them both to the coffee shop. It was the least he could do.

Waving it off, Jake said, "no it’s alright man, you can go, my car isn't far from here. I hope to see you in better health next time James."

Nodding at him, Bucky said some sort of goodbye and entered his jeep without looking back. Driving home, the journey feeling longer than usual, his left eye was starting to twitch and he knew what his headache was progressing into it, but he wasn’t overly worried. It wasn't uncommon for him to continue his day in such a state.

In fact, he had completed many missions with an agonising headache, barely able to stand straight. When they wiped him before sending him out, it was a by-product that nobody cared about it. As long it didn't hinder his work, they wouldn't relent on the wiping, and he was programmed to be inhumane, he couldn’t show them his true emotions.

So, they never knew about the migraines and perhaps never would, but at least it taught him that he could survive. The worst circumstances a body could be placed under- Bucky could endure it all and come out the other side unscathed.

But he didn't have to, not anymore, he reminded himself. Now when he was hurting, he could take a couple of pills and sleep it off, rather than adhering to his conditioning by smothering his body.

Which is why when he reached the cabin, he dragged the bags inside leaving them on the floor, and flopped onto the sofa, kicking his shoes off. Using his feet, he transported the folded blanket at the other end of his couch onto his back.

Shifting slightly, he threw it over his body and head, trying to get the room as dark as possible, and fell asleep. Not waking up once despite the tormenting memories haunting his slumber.

He did wake up once, to take a leak and drink some water, but then fell asleep immediately after, unable to keep his head open much longer. The next three days were spent confined to the sofa, getting up to vomit, mess with the central heating and deal with an onslaught of memories. They were unnecessarily stressful.

But, by the time his mind had calmed and recovered from the turbulent storm and a large amount of Bucky Barnes had returned to him, a week had passed. His shivers were over, headache completely gone, and he felt stable enough to face the world, without fearing he'd snap and break; his fingers wouldn't cause any harm, he could control his actions.

He had run out of food to eat, needed a phone so he could control some of his home and wanted some to new clothes that weren't covered in his own bile. A week later he still had a purpose and that he could fulfil, having some use after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would die for Jake, he's honestly incredible?? we all need a friend like Jake. I say 2 chapters in smh
> 
> trust me, Huda and Jake are everything. you'll see eventually what I mean, they're amazing!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we get some more exploring done here, Bucky making some revelations etc. it's all building up! and, because it's the 3rd chapter already and there's no sign of Steve, well, just hang in there. he's gotta do something and then he'll be on his way! 
> 
> WARNING (contains possible spoilers?): Bucky explores the mountain range he can see from his house, remembers memories and almost has an anxiety attack. despite his apprehension, he continues to visit the mountains and suffers greatly because of it. I think this would classify as exposure therapy-i'm not sure-but please be careful when addressing your triggers and seek professional help. this is fiction and despite my best tries to make it realistic, it is drama afterall.
> 
> all mistakes are my own, but I hope you enjoy this chapter nonetheless! :)

He dealt with the clothes first, buying a few shirts and jumpers, just for the heck of it if nothing else and putting them in the passenger seat. Next, he bought some groceries and did an entire house shop, buying detergent and bleach, so he could clean everything properly.

Then, he bought a new phone, getting the same one Jake had recommended last time managing to get the basics down. When it came to integrating his home systems into it, he didn't know what to do and figured next time he saw Jake, he'd ask. There was no harm in it.

Which is why, sometime during the week when they inevitably met, he presented the new phone to him, saying, "how do I do what you did last time? With the apps and everything."

He seemed confused at first, looking at Bucky weirdly, until he said, "Oh, you mean the- oh right, yeah, I'll show you."

He told Bucky step-by-step instructions on how it was done, programmed his number in Bucky's phone and texted himself, saying, "don't lose it this time. Guard it with your life."

They ended up at Huda's workplace, again, and she remarked, "looking better James, you've got some life back in your face."

"Feeling better," he replied, pointedly ignoring the torture that entailed his migraines.

He ordered another hot chocolate, justifying it to himself by claiming caffeine triggers headaches, but it was just an excuse. He taken an inclination to the hot cocoa.

"So, James, you staying here for Christmas and New Year’s? Or…"

"Here." He didn't have anywhere else to go.

"Same," Jake and Huda replied simultaneously, they grinned at each other when they had.

Speaking up, Huda explained, "I'd visit my family but, I have to study. We have exams coming up."

"And I don't want to travel all the way to Washington. It's too long of a journey."

That was at the other side of the country, Bucky wondered how Jake ended up in West Virginia. However, he didn't ask, it wasn't his place to and nodded understandingly.

"They're your family Jake, you should go. You didn't even visit them at thanksgiving!" Huda reprimanded, rolling her eyes.

Making a face, he said, "it's fine, I'm sure they won't miss me too much. Bills coming back from China, so they'll be too busy with him to notice my absence."

Huda imitated Jake, contorting her face and briefly looking at Bucky, she said, "Bills his brother, a horrible piece of work, trust me." Addressing Jake, she continued, "I'll let you off, only because he's going to be there. But you should visit them soon Jake, they're going to get worried."

"Yeah, yeah, I will- but anyway, I want that blueberry muffin too. Did you bake these?"

Nodding, she said, "yeah, I did in the morning. I was early, had nothing better to do. What about you James, want something with your drink?"

He politely declined.

"You can share with me if you want," Jake offered, "but you have to taste her baking, it's to die for. I swear there's nothing Huda can't do."

Bucky cracked a smile at that.

"Shut up, and here's your drink. Don't listen to him James, he sings praises of everyone. They're not that great."

Scoffing, James countered, "better than what you'd find at Costa or Starbucks, and those are the only major competitions."

"Contrary to popular belief, I don't own this shop, so I don't care about any of the competition," she said easily.

Stage whispering, Jake informed Bucky, "she's lying, I know she owns this place."

"Let's say I did, don't you think I would've upgraded it? It's not exactly the cosiest shops around."

Bucky had noticed that too, though he didn't say anything. The place was in dire need of repainting, new furniture and tidying. Perhaps Huda should buy it, bring it back to life. It was evident that it needed a revival.

"But you're not going to do that, are you? You need to prove to me that you haven't bought it."

Rolling her eyes, she sighed, "shut up Jake," handing Bucky his drink and slicing a blueberry muffin on a small plate and giving it to them. "That's $9."

Bucky intervened before Jake could retrieve his wallet, "my turn."

"Yeah, I'll give you this one, you’ve got dollars to spare." Jake grinned while Bucky handed over the money, and Huda gave him back his change.

Walking to the seats they occupied the last time they were there, Bucky was the first to sit and he leaned back against the chair, not getting too comfortable, as his eyes scanned the room. There were no immediate threats, as he knew would be the case, but didn't want to admit.

"You know, James, you can spend Christmas with me and Huda, or the evening at least. I think she said she's going to be spending the day with her science friends- I don't even know- and then later, we usually just chill and watch movies. You should come."

Eyes sparing Jake a glimpse, he looked hopeful, as though he thought Bucky would agree to it. He didn't.

"Sorry Jake, I'll pass."

Nodding, a resigned shake, Jake said, "to be fair, I was expecting that, but I thought that maybe, just maybe, you'd agree. Next time James! Next time you're joining us. Capiche?"

He nodded. He wouldn't.

In the end, Christmas passed uneventfully. According to the news, Stark hosted a Christmas party and all the Avengers were attending- Steve included. Scrolling through the article, Bucky's heart eased.

Steve loved Christmas, found the lights decorating the city enticing, and the spring to people's step contagious. In fact, Bucky wasn't too sure, but he thought that Steve always bestowed him drawings as presents, since they were too poor to afford anything extravagant. He was certain that he cherished them.

So, it was a relief that Steve was celebrating the holiday surrounded by people who cared about him and loved him despite everything. Bucky knew first-hand how difficult he could be, the adamant stomp that refused to back down.

His own was like every other day, Jake texted him.

 **Jake** : Merry Christmas James!!! If you wanna then the offer still stands to come down, Huda said she wouldn't mind the extra company

Smiling to himself, Bucky shook his head despite the fact Jake couldn’t see him.

 **Bucky** : merry christmas Jake, and tell Huda I said happy holidays

He did try to cook some food for himself, figuring he'd cosy up in front of a fire, watch a movie and relax. But his forgot his food in the oven and most of it overcooked, rendering it inedible. The potatoes were salvageable, and he could still eat some of his chicken, though he had to inspect every aspect of it to find a section that wasn't severely burnt.

It didn't come out quite like the picture he saw online, but watching a movie curled up in a blanket on the rug with the fire heating his chest, Bucky figured it was alright. He was good. He had improved vastly, when his memory favoured him he made decent food. Perhaps the loneliness shadowing him that day impacted him more than he thought.

It was the first conscious Christmas he had spent alone and memories of his last one resurfaced making him compare the two, despite being opposites.

Still unclear, he had to piece most of it together, but he knew the Commandos were given a break, rooms in a fancy hotel, a proper meal, and infinite money to spend in the local pub. He couldn't recollect where they were- though had an intuition it was somewhere near New Zealand, but it didn't really matter.

He didn't know what happened, the dinner amongst the men passed as a blur, and drinks in the pub ended early for him and Steve. Why? He couldn't tell. But his memories suggested it was for…intimate reasons.

It was an easy winner, that his last Christmas had been better but given the circumstances he noted that his Christmas alone wasn't too bad either.

New Years passed in a similar fashion, but rather than spending it inside Bucky dragged his blanket out into the cold and snuggled into the swing chair, wearing his thickest sweatpants and shirt, insulating the scarred arm to prevent his metal arm from hardening. It always did that in the cold.

Using a foot, he pushed himself back, setting the chair into motion before draping the blanket over it. Laying down, he stared up at that mountains faraway, snow swirling around them as he gazed. Pivoting whilst descending, individual snowflakes created with intricate patterns dived out of the sky, formed a cloud and began their journey to the ground, triggering a chain reaction.

The sky glimmered that night. Kaleidoscopic stars were painted on the black canvas, congregated into different designs and structures. Just above one of the mountains, Bucky saw a cluster of dots that drifted across the landscape, ranging pink to green and blue.

Watching them with soft eyes, he felt more at peace than he had in a while. And when his phone buzzed at 12, a message from Jake no doubt, he sighed, content and at peace.

It came no surprise to him when he slept through the night, undisturbed by terrors and harrowing memories.

January was a thick month, with snowfall occurring every night, Bucky was plunged into it most of the time, and temperatures plummeted to means which had him shivering. Thankfully, due to previous research, Bucky knew that the bears were in hibernation, as were a lot of the animals, and was mindful of potential resting grounds whilst trekking through the forest.

Pulling on the thickest coat, he swung his rucksack on his back pulling up his hood to cover his ears; he ensured his metal arm was completely insulated, and the first day of the new year, Bucky set out to document the start of a new life.

His feet sunk into the soft snow, compressing it and wetting his trousers as he it did, and he stomped through, camera ready for picture taking. He wandered close to the mountains, still enchanted from the night before, and found that the path was more crowded. It didn't prevent him from walking through.

It took hours, he was sure of it, before he even got close to them and then he saw the elongated rock soar to the clear sky, drowning in a white shroud. Up close, Bucky felt his breath waver, and he remembered, for the first time in detail, of how he and the Commando's- they were on mountain and-

_"This isn't payback, is it?"_

_"Now why would I do that?"_

Breathing hard, Bucky startled back, eyes wide and as white mists vanished before his eyes. He knew he had fallen, the Smithsonian had written about his death in detail. Not enough to reproduce the memory, but from an outsider’s perspective, Bucky was shaken.

However, now, recalling a part of the story he felt disconnected. From both his present self and past; the drop from the train was how he fell into Hydra's clutches.

Gulping, he tried to shake off the feeling and walked through the remaining trees, reaching a frozen stretch of land, a pathway to the mountain. At the base of it, he saw a transparent lake, frozen because of the low temperatures and the mountains reflected onto it, almost like an illusion.

The snow smothered scales that protruded from the range of rocks, shielded most of the weak glow emitting from the concealed sun, so all he had to do was shift to the left to erase it completely, and within the ice itself were barren rocks the size of him.

Still breathing harshly, Bucky shook his shoulders, loosening them to get the right shot and climbed up a tree, just a couple of branches till he obtained the right height. The lake was a few feet below, evident in the picture, yet the mountains impressive height could have been seen as the sparsely spread snow revealed much of the original colour.

A clear distinct shape was made in the reflection, with the mountains actual height coming into the frame too. Regulating his breathing, Bucky forced himself to keep a steady hand, control the sun's light from the side and to get a straight picture.

Counting to three, he took it.

Without checking the picture to see if it came out how he wanted it to, Bucky slipped back into the path wherein he came, refusing to glance at the deadly, beautiful slopes. However, walking in the opposite direction, he made an abrupt promise to himself to return the next day. It was beautiful. He couldn’t let scattered memories deter him.

Halfway home, he stopped, sitting on the snow as it twirled around him, and from his rucksack pulled out a thermos piping warm with hot chocolate. It wasn't anything extreme, nothing like Huda's (he had to ask for instructions how to make it like hers) but it was still good nonetheless. It was a newly acquired taste and it replaced the usual coffee that would have been in its place.

Bucky didn't know why he liked it so much, but all he knew for certain was that he did. It wasn't so bad.

Things continued as such, he visited the mountains as often as he could and took hundreds of pictures. It wasn't from the same place, no he explored the grounds, even treading on the thick ice and touching the towering rock. He did it, despite the nightmares and despite the migraines and despite the agonising pain.

He couldn't let his memory taint the atmospheric landscape. He knew more than anyone that the mountains were destructive, and when descending from long heights there was no hope. But he also knew now, that they were beautiful. And when undisturbed, they flourished under the seasons watchful eyes, sanctuary to the hibernating bears, and home to the mountain lion.

What happened to him was because of Hydra, it always had been. They were intent on hurting him ever since Azzano, so he shouldn't allow them to do that now he free. The mountains were beautiful all around and he would appreciate and learn to tread them confidently. All in good time, he'd eradicate the fear Hydra implanted in him and he'd walk the same paths as the animals.

He would ensure it. Which is why he visited as often as he could, finding solace in the enclosure.

His photography trips weren't always to take pictures, most of the time if he found a scenic expanse he'd sit atop the shimmering stars, play with the fragile snow molecules, crafting snowballs and snowmen, littering a part of him where ever he went.

Other instances, he preferred to sit and observe; watch how each tender snowflake crumbled under his soft touch and dissolve into nothing but liquid. He found it fascinating that something could drift from the sky without being obliterated by the sheer force of the wind, yet the moment he laced the snow on his skin it almost instantly melted.

It made him feel powerful, that he could dominate nature's creation like that, but deep inside Bucky didn't like it. He wanted to create, not destroy. Was that all he was capable of?

He was perched at the foot of tree, back pressed against the bark, and a trickle of snowflakes started emitting from the clear sky. Contemplative, he began to wonder, where were they coming from?

There wasn't a cloud visible, so what manufactured these tiny grains of snow and allowed them to cloak the earth? Staring hardly, he thoroughly inspected the upper vicinity and to no avail, could not detect any signs of white clouds.

Perhaps they were transparent, not wanting to be seen. Camouflaging with the depths of the atmosphere to restrict detection.

Envy. Jealousy spiked in his chest and soon coursed through his whole body, polluting his thoughts with desire and want. He wished to disappear completely most days, like the configurations of gas in the stratosphere. To completely vanish and never to be found again, whilst still able to exist and live without a painful recovery process is the mixer.

He knew nothing could help him in regard to his memory, there wasn’t a quick fix, and nothing could ever extinguish his past. He was like a snowflake that didn't die upon touch, but was he created by simply solidifying in extreme, harsh conditions- seeming almost fabricated.

Research told him, he- The Winter Soldier- was a myth. A ghost story. Most people questioned his existence. But he did exist, and he did unimaginable things, his harsh conditioning compelling the lifeless shell to follow orders.

Now, he was a feeble, measly, little human. Disorientated by his own actions- Hydra's orders, and, immense manipulation. He just wanted to disappear, he wanted his past to disappear, he wanted a clean slate.

The snowfall danced around him, slipping into his hair, unseen. More consumed the black coat, feasting upon it until it was cloaked by a thin layer of whiteness.

Trees and grass also wore a thick layer of sleet. Leaves had fallen off the branches of the tree a while ago, and now resided on the ground atop grass, slowly enduring pain as they underwent decomposition.

It seemed plausible for them to die such a beautiful death, all in union, not alone while going through the procedure. He was alone. Always alone.

Blowing out a harsh breath, he shook his head, the snow falling onto the floor.

"Get a grip, Barnes," he told himself, trying to dispel his depressive thoughts.

He went home early, pictures long forgotten and slipped out of the wet clothes, changing into something more comfortable and into bed. The large window in his room revealed the tinkering snow, and he watched the iced lake, feeling empty inside.

Sleeping was impossible, and his night passed as a blur with him sunk in his mind and unable to pull out. At least there were no nightmares.

Possibly because he was living one, but he preferred deluding himself.

But, when the birds started singing, the winter chills unsuccessful at deterring them, Bucky forced himself up. Made himself go to his gym and work out, to release the pent-up stress and anguish. Letting it pile was toxic, and despite there being no one he could hurt, he wasn't fond of hurting.

So, he used every machine he had, vigorously, relentless, and desperate to extract the numbness that had taken over, compelling him into a state of autopilot. He didn't like it at all, it reminded him too much of the soldier, a familiar feeling of nothing.

He was unbothered- uncaring- without a single distinguishable emotion that would prove he's human. Sure, Bucky was a pathetic excuse of one, his interactions with the outside world proved that and him settling in the middle of nowhere only reinforced it. But, it didn't matter. In the bigger picture he was still human.

Not an asset. A weapon. A toy. Or a transaction.

But a person, with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and desires. Who sometimes (all the time) forgot things, was incompetent at functioning, and may have begrudgingly made actual friends.

Hydra stole those from him once, all those years ago on an operating table where Zola thrusted the serum into his bloodstream. But he was taking them back and he'd be damned if he didn't try his hardest.

He owed it to the mindless assassin, the scared war veteran, and the blissful Bucky Barnes. He owed it to himself.

So, he exercised until his muscles ached, pushed them to the limit until he couldn't, and panting he sat down on the floor, sagging against the wall. Trying to inhale much air as he could, he vividly recalled a memory of Steve suffocating, hyperventilating as his face turned a frightening shade of blue.

Bucky remembered the horror, the distress and grief as he was pushed back onto the ground, tumbling until he fell, and adults swarmed onto the playground, picking up Steve's fragile body and faded right before him. He didn't cry or protest as he followed the teacher obediently when she pulled him aside and sat him down.

_"Bucky, I understand what you saw was frightening, and it's okay to be scared, nobody here blames you. But I need you to know that Steve's going to be okay, alright? Don't worry about him."_

_He just stared at the floor, in shock and still recovering from seeing his friend choke, and the teacher called him again, hoping for a response. Bucky didn't answer._

_Everything went hazy then, but soon his mother’s worried expression clouded his vision, and she reeled him into a hug, caressing his hair, and that's when he broke. That's when he sobbed._

_"Is Steve- ma, ma is Steve-"_

_"Oh, no honey, Steve's going to be fine, I promise you, okay? I told you, his lungs aren't like yours and they broke. But he'll be okay soon, nothing’s going to him."_

_He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded hopefully, still crying._

In the present, Bucky blinked blearily. Steve Rogers was always making him worry, huh.

Robotically, but with more thought process than before, Bucky ate cereal, tidied some of the mess that had been lingering for a couple of days, and he sparked up the fireplace cuddling his blanket on the couch.

Scrolling through channels, he paused when he saw a familiar animation. Some boxed, yellow people, with a knack for building things. The names Emmet, Wild Style, Batman…Batman! The Lego Movie!

Bucky grinned when he realised, and he concentrated on the film watching it properly then unlike he had last time. It was as good as he hoped, but even better. Bucky figured he liked Batman last time, and he noted why, the man was amazing: funny, dark, and narcissistic.

When the film ended, Bucky closed his eyes and took a well-deserved nap, thankfully one that was unperturbed by any terrors. In fact, it was one of the best ones he'd ever had.

When he awoke, it was still dark outside, but time on the TV said it was little after 4. Grabbing his jacket from the side of the couch, Bucky recovered his phone, eyes squinting when the harsh light illuminated the ceiling and his iris, fumbling with it until he pulled up Jake as a contact.

 **Bucky** : is Huda working right now

A reply came a few minutes later, saying:

 **Jake** : don't think so, let me ask

Bucky waited for his reply, hoping desperately that she was, because he needed some of her life saving hot chocolate. He'd ask her for the recipe today, even if it killed him.

 **Jake** : She's not working today, studying for some exam, but we can still go if you're up to it James!

 **Bucky** : sorry Jake 

 **Jake** : You wound me, but it's okay, everyone likes Huda more than me! It's just a part of life

Bucky rolled his eyes.

 **Bucky** : i want her famous hot chocolate

A contact was sent as Jakes new message, with the caption 'ask her yourself :)'. Bucky should've expected something of the sort.

 **Bucky** : hi Huda, it's James, Jake gave me your number, just want to know how you make hot chocolate

Her reply was instantaneous, Bucky would cry out in relief if he could. Thanking her for the trouble and instructions, he saved them the message into his notes, and promised to buy the ingredients whenever he went into town. Until then, he'd have to settle with his poor substitute.

He fell asleep on the sofa once more that night, too tired to migrate to his room, and awoke himself by thrashing profusely, writhing in unresolved fear and abhorrence. Unable to get back to sleep, he watched the movies pass on his TV and when morning came, he indulged in his routine.

After almost two weeks of no show, he went into town that day, his jeep rumbling to life underneath him, and hoped that the trip wouldn't be too demanding. He was barely hanging onto the thread. Cupboards redundant, stomach empty, and head softly pulsating, Bucky endured the 45-minute drive, clearing his mind as much as he could, radio playing gently in the background.

The drive helped him cool his mind and he breathed deeply. He just had to get his groceries.

Parking in the car park, he zipped up his jacket, threw on a beanie and ran a brief feel of his stubble; it prickled under his flesh finger. Sighing, he wondered just how bad he looked even though he pointedly showered and patting his pockets to make sure he had everything before he could exit, he froze.

It felt void of a certain phone.

Breathing heavily, his eyes scrunched in agitation, and slowly, Bucky dug into his pockets hoping to retrieve his phone. It wasn't there. He punched the steering wheel.

"Damn it!"

Hot chocolate had been on his mind for weeks and he wanted it, wanted to make it so bad that even he didn't understand why he was so fixated on it. Easily enough, he could’ve gone to Huda's workplace, see if she was working and ask her for the ingredients but, he felt unstable. Jittery.

Before he got near anyone long enough to talk without imploding, he had to relax. Breathe. Inhale and exhale rhythmically, construct a pattern. A routine.

The drive to the coffee shop wasn't long, and Bucky had mostly managed to redeem some of his composure. Walking into the store, he felt a knot loosen in chest seeing Huda tug on a coat, and strolled to her, purposeful. She looked up, hearing him arrive.

"Hey James," she greeted, "what's up?"

"Ingredients, for the hot chocolate. I need them."

She rolled her eyes. "Lost them already?" she teased, but there was no heat behind her words. "Come on, my shifts over so I'll come with you to buy them."

Bucky stiffened slightly, uncertain if he should retreat or go through with it, but Huda posed next to him and said, "let's go."

He nodded, and she followed him.

"So, how are you?" she asked conversationally, "you look awful, like you've been hanging by the neck since I last saw you."

Bucky managed a smile at that. His chest eased. "Migraines."

"What- do you take medication for it? Have you got some sort illness? Because James, I'm really questioning if it's just migraines," she said incredulously, and though he wasn't too sure, a tad worried.

"Just migraines," he promised, "medicine doesn't work with me."

She stared at him. "That's it, homemade remedies for the win. I'm going to send you some and you're going to try them, alright? They helped my sister when medication couldn't."

He didn't divulge how his body burnt through anything he consumed, at the most optimal human speed. Nothing could help him, not unless it was specifically designed to withstand the serum.

"Thanks Huda."

"You're welcome, now, another thing, when was the last time you ate? I don't remember those collarbones protruding last time I saw them."

Sheepishly, though he didn't know why he suddenly felt embarrassed for his lack of eating, he disclosed, "uh, I can't remember."

"After we get the things, we're going to grab something to eat," she stated, leaving no room for an argument.

Bucky looked at him, ready to protest, but she lifted a challenging eyebrow implication painted across her face that if he didn't go through with it there would be much to pay. Maybe he should have something to eat then.

Huda won that round. He figured she'd win most of them.

They reached the grocers and Bucky parked his car in a different spot, not wanting to relive any of the previous anger, and they both walked side by side into the building. Lights shined at their faces harshly and he ignored the way it pinched his eyes.

Bucky retrieved a trolley for himself.

"So, I'm guessing you've got to do a full house shop?" He nodded. "Alright, I'll get everything I need, and then I'll find you. It shouldn't take too long."

She was off before he could attempt a response and he was prompted into getting everything he needed. Somehow, it was easier than he expected.

Twenty minutes passed before he saw her again and she dumped the basket into his trolley before acknowledging him. "I've lived here for 3 years, I know this place. But every time I blinked, you disappeared. Honestly, are you a ghost? James the friendly ghost?"

He shook his head. He never really got out of the habit of moving so he was constantly hiding from everyone, even though there were no clear targets or threats. Safety. It was a safety precaution to protect and camouflage him into the vicinity.

Living out his life as a ghost story, Bucky wondered if he'd ever stop being The Winter Soldier.

"Alright, let's finish doing this and we'll eat."

"Sounds funs" he lied, she grinned like she knew.

Turns out Jake was invited too, and walking into the diner, he had already saved a space for them. He grinned brightly and waved them over.

Gravitating to him, Huda sat next to her friend whilst Bucky sat opposite them. Menus were draped on the table, and gingerly his eyes scanned the page with disinterest. Huda and Jake seemed to know what they want.

"We come here a lot," Jake explained, "so we've rehearsed our order, you take your time. The food here's great."

Huda nodded. "If you don't know what to pick, I'd recommend the Turkey Pesto Panini, it's delicious."

"Ooh yeah!" Jake agreed enthusiastically. "That's really good. I'll get that too, I'm always getting burgers. A sandwich is a nice change."

"James, is a Panini good for you?"

Bucky nodded.

"Alright, two Turkey Pesto Panini's and I'll have…Lasagne. It's been a while."

The diner was an eccentric place, oddly homey too. Exposed redbrick walls, floorboards laid bare, wooden, rickety seats and a thick smell of food clutching to his nose. Bucky concluded that he liked it. Vintage lights illuminated the whole place, a dimmed glow to create a secluded atmosphere, it was nice. Especially since it was dark out and the side lamps weren't overbearing.

Huda attracted a server, relaying their orders to her and Jake kick-started his story from work. It was amusing.

"I think they've gone back to hating me guys, I'm getting that feeling from them."

"What happened now?" Huda questioned, aimlessly messing with the edge of the table. Bucky’s eyes watched her fingers.

"Mike was glaring at me! My manager threatened to dump me if I don't make a sale soon. And the atmosphere was so hostile, you know? James."

Bucky turned to look at him expectantly. "Yeah?"

"Buy another house please," Jake begged.

And Bucky couldn't help it, he laughed. Head falling back, the laughter tumbled out of his mouth, mixing with Huda's as he subtly shook his head. Jake grinned despite himself.

"Come on James. I think you can help a friend out."

A friend. They were friends, it was official. Jake considered Bucky as someone worth his time, and he didn't project anything hostile at any point during their encounters. Perhaps, maybe, this was the sign Bucky needed. They trusted him, and it was time for him to reciprocate.

"Sorry Jake, you're going to have to ask Huda for this one." Pausing, he added afterwards, almost shyly, "and, uh, my name's Bucky."

"Bucky?" Huda questioned, eyebrows furrowing together as her lips formed a pout.

Her long, sleek hair was pulled forward, resting on her work top, coat resting against the back of her chair, and with the lights forming a mist around her, like the glow of a large halo, Bucky itched to take a picture. Like the times before, he suppressed it. He didn't even have his camera.

"Yeah, James is too weird. I usually go by Bucky," he explained, shrugging in feign nonchalance.

Nodding understandingly, Huda confirmed, "nickname?" While by her side, Jake mouthed 'Bucky' experimentally, getting a feel of the name.

"Yeah, something like that," he agreed.

"I like it." Huda nodded. "It's cute, completely contradictory to how you dress by the way. But I suppose we'll have to wait for the snow to let up before we deal with your clothes."

Catching up, Jake nodded. "Yeah, we need to complete out shopping trip Ja- I mean Bucky, I still haven't forgotten."

Rolling his eyes, he replied, "sure, we'll see about that."

"Jake knows where you live. I'll have him pick you up if I have to," Huda informed him.

Bucky nodded. She would. "We'll decide later."

"I'm holding it to you Barnes." Jake pointed, "if you won't buy another house for me, then clothes it is."

"Those clothes are for my benefit, not yours," Bucky pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I can't hang around with someone who dresses like this so."

"Haircut. Clothes. That's all you need to upgrade," Huda assessed, Jake matched her calculating eyes.  Bucky rolled his eyes again.

"No, I like the hair, it looks good in a bun. We'll just trim it so it doesn't get too long," Jake said appreciatively.

"It only looks good when it's washed and recently, it hasn't."

"Migraines," Bucky reminded her, and she rolled her eyes. He had showered but apparently didn’t wash his hair well enough to expel the grease.

"You can't use those as excuses Bucky. Not when I'm going to give you some remedies."

"You haven't given them yet, so I will," he declared.

Huda turned to Jake and said seriously, "I think I liked him better when he was quiet."

Bucky chuckled, "you don't mean that Huda."

Smiling fondly, she agreed off handedly, "yeah, sure."

"She likes you really," Jake told him, and Bucky nodded because yeah, he thought so too.

They conversed aimlessly until their food came, and Jake moaned at the sight of his plate. He took the glove off his flesh hand, leaving the metal one covered, and started to eat it. Jake and Huda shared a puzzled look.

“Are you not going to take your other glove off?” Jake asked, frowning.

He shook his head. Jake wanted to ask more questions, that much was evident, but Huda nudged him, the universal sign to stop the enquiry. Bucky was thankful. He didn’t want anyone to know about his weapon.

As suggested, the panini was delicious, and Bucky scoffed his down quickly, thankful for some proper food. It was warm, crisp, and light enough for him to keep down. He had to learn how to make these.

“Oh man,” Jake moaned after a beat of silence, “that was so good, I could totally go for another.”

Bucky jerked his head in assent.

“I don’t have a panini, but if you two want some lasagne then by all means have some. I can never finish it,” Huda offered, nudging her plate close to the centre.

“Huda, you’re a star,” Jake praised, but shook his head. “I need to digest this and then I’ll think about eating some more. You still cooking for me on Saturday?”

She hummed. “Bucky, you should come too, I’m cooking Asian food, you might like it.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever ate Pakistani food,” he pondered, skimming through his memories, “but, uh, maybe. If I have enough time.”

Huda look at him, hard. “I won’t be taking any excuses, so you best come Barnes. Jake told me I make some really nice food.”

“Oh definitely, you do. If you weren’t going to work for Nasa, I’d say open a restaurant. You’re an amazing chef.”

“Aw thanks Jake, but food isn’t my calling. I would have done something with animals if I was able to,” she said, wiping her hands with a napkin.

“You like animals, Huda?” Bucky asked, taking a sip of his water. Huda nodded enthusiastically.

“In Pakistan, I travelled all over just to see them. My dad didn’t like it, thought it was a wasteful degree, so I stuck with Astronomy and Physics, but Zoology was a strong contender.”

Nodding along, Bucky inquired, “so what have you seen? Animal wise.”

Blowing out a breath, Huda said, “God, I’ve seen so many. Uh, bears, dolphins, tigers, crocodiles, leopards, monkeys, snakes- nearly everything really. Some of these were in Pakistan, others in India, even a few in Afghanistan. I really liked going to see them.”

“Well, if you ever want to see some more, you should come down during summer. I’ve seen some animals near my house,” he proffered, surprising himself once the words were out. His eyes widened a second later, surprise etched on his face unabashed. He was getting comfortable too quickly.

“Thanks Bucky, I appreciate it. And I’ll definitely be taking you up on that offer,” she affirmed, her smile knowing and understanding. He swallowed and nodded.

“Me too!” Jake intervened.

“You’re terrified of animals,” Huda pointed out, and he shrugged his shoulders.

“His house has a killer view, I won’t miss that again.”

Bucky chuckled, despite it being about his home, and said, “alright pal, you can come too. We’ll arrange something close to spring.”

“Great!” Huda exclaimed. “Now, I’m afraid I have to leave boys-”

“- I’m 24, Bucky’s 28-”

“But I’ll see you this Saturday, 6 in the evening, okay? Don’t bring anything unless you need it and oh, Bucky, text me any allergies you have. Don’t want to risk an allergic reaction. Okay, bye!”

Bucky blinked his eyes, and she was gone. Jake looked at him sympathetically. “She doesn’t take no for answer, but hey free, delicious food. You can’t go wrong with that.”

“Yeah, I suppose you can’t.”

Well, turned out Bucky had plans for the upcoming Saturday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since I've touched on Bucky's suffering a bit more explicitly here, I just want to add that as the story progress' it's gonna get a lot more detailed. i'm a sucker for angst and hurt???


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short chapter compared to the others I know (might be the shortest in this fic actually) but this is necessary for the next chapter if you know what i mean ;)  
> also all the food listed in this? you should try them bc theyre soooo nice. they can be eaten with cutlery but theyre definitely finger foods, and the falooda? well that's either drank or you can use a spoon and eat it from a bowl like soup. I do both tbh- its food it doesn't matter!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, its sweet!
> 
> WARNING: this might not be necessary but idk. the events of AOU are explored (I made numbers up for this) and there is a lot of anxiety over what happened from quite a few characters, on screen and off. so TW for anxiety??

Leading up to Saturday, Bucky perfected the hot chocolate, practiced how to make the panini, took more pictures, and wondered what to gift Huda. First time going to someone’s house, Bucky heard his mums voice produce advice on what to do.

_“Listen here James Barnes, you never go to someone’s house empty handed, okay? I raised you better than that and don’t you forget it. Go down to Frankie’s and buy some flowers or wine, you hear me? I don’t want no son of mine to go without nothin’.”_

_“Okay ma, I’m going, I’m going. Wasting my wage on O’Riley even though he don’t deserve it.”_

_His ma grabbed his ear and reprimanded, “don’t talk about your boss like that, he’s the only reason you have this money. Now go on, buy something good with that, you need to impress him.”_

_“Yes ma.”_

So, what would he get Huda? Jake constantly reminded him and her of the millions stored away in her bank account, though that may be exaggeration, Bucky wasn’t too sure. What could he get someone who had the money to get everything they ever wanted?

He pondered night and day trying to figure what to do, what to give her until transferring his pictures from his camera to his laptop: he found the perfect gift. 

Huda had texted him the address in the morning with strict instructions to pick up Jake, who was at work. Bucky obliged and they both reached her apartment in no time, Jake directing him. It was a large building, clearly one that had seen better days, but it wasn’t in a bad neighbourhood, Bucky didn’t see anything unfriendly on his journey.

She buzzed them up and Jake eyed Bucky’s gift, but he shook his head. They’d all see it soon enough. Nodding in understanding, Jake didn’t ask, and Bucky didn’t tell. Opening the door, Bucky saw Huda wearing the most casual clothes he’d seen her in till date. Baggy sweatpants and a large top that hung over her small body like curtains, with her hair tied up in a messy bun.

She frowned before anyone could say anything. “Bucky, what did I say?”

“My ma always said, you can’t go to anyone’s house empty handed.” He shrugged and passed the large, packaged box to her.

“Come on in, make yourself at home.”

Jake stalked into the house comfortably and Bucky plodded behind him, unsure where to go. Huda locked the door and said over her shoulder, “living room, I’ll bring the food out when it’s made.”

“But Huda I just want to see what you’re making,” Jake complained, complying to her demand by sitting on one of the sofas and glancing at the TV.

 “You’ll see soon enough,” she promised, and she lugged the large box into the same space as them, propping it onto her table.

For some reason, Bucky felt anxious and worried for a moment, maybe he should have just bought her a traditional bottle of wine and flowers. But, she didn’t drink, so that wouldn’t have made sense and the flowers just didn’t seem right. Too impersonal and formal.

She tore open the box, breathing heavily in exaggeration, exclaiming, “what’s in here?” and lowered the entire thing onto its face. Then, she dug her into the box, grasping what it was and pulled, revealing the gift to him, Jake, and herself.

It was a large, square canvas with a picture Bucky had taken printed onto it. Two brown wolves laying on the snow, with one wolves face tucked under the others; snow was sprinkled on their fur, and they were resting. Ears flattened against their head, the wolf on the top had piercing hazel eyes that were watching the land, face covering the one beneath its neck. And the wolf laid on the white shroud- it’s face was mostly hidden, only a side profile exposed, and it was nestled around the other wolf’s body, seemingly asleep.

Bucky had taken the picture when he had been experimenting near the mountains and using his truck to venture out further than he ever had. It was the best decision he made as he found a pack of wolves, playing in the isolated snowfields. After some research, he discovered that the picture displayed an Alpha and his wife, the children roaming around them were their kids.

It was strangely intimate and beautiful, Bucky found himself falling in love with photograph. And, remembering that Huda loved animals, he thought, why not share it with her? She would appreciate it, perhaps even come to love it like him. She deserved the best her could offer.

“Bucky, did you- did you take this?” she asked in wonder, brown finger caressing the surface delicately.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um, yes. I thought, you might like it because, wolves.”

Jake perked up at that and went to investigate, whilst Huda stared at it, hard. Did she not like it?

Jake joined her side, inspecting the picture, and whistled, “wow Bucky, that’s amazing. Where’d you take it, man?”

“Near the mountains,” he answered, because that’s where he had to drive to.

There was a huge plot of land, defended by the rugged peaks, that harboured winter thriving animals. It was true wonderland, and Bucky hadn’t had the chance to return since, since the climate was too harsh even for a soldier like him to survive. But he wanted to. Especially during the summer when the flowers bloomed and trees came to life.

Steve would have liked that. Steve would have liked a lot of things.

“Jesus, you got a real knack for photography man. You selling these?” Jake asked, and Bucky frowned.

“No, not really. Why? You want one? I’ll have one done for you next time.”

“No- it’s just, you can get a lot of money for this, you know? People love it, and you can travel all over, get a job.”

“Uh, I don’t want the money, or a job,” Bucky admitted, “but uh, you like it? Huda?”

“Huh?” she spluttered, regaining consciousness, after losing herself in her mind. “Do I like it?”

Bucky nodded. He really hoped she did.

“Of course I do Bucky! It’s- it’s amazing. Really, thank you. You’re a really talented photographer, it’s just wow. I’m speechless.” She laughed. “I’m definitely putting this up, it’s amazing.”

“Thanks, I guess. I’m happy you like it.” He smiled, and she nodded, captivated by it again.

“Alright,” Jake said, slumping onto the couch. “I hope this doesn’t distract you from cooking. I don’t want nothing burnt.”

Huda rolled her eyes and propped the canvas against the wall in the corner. “You’re lucky you’re getting any food Campbell.”

They fell into easy conversation, with Huda occasionally checking the food to make sure it was okay. Things were going swell until her phone rang and she excused herself, frowning as she said it was father.

Jake’s expression distorted, and Bucky asked, “is everything okay?”

The air was suddenly very tense.

“Pakistan is nine hours ahead of us, her dad doesn’t usually call this late unless something really bad happened.”

It was nearing 7:30PM where they were and doing a quick calculation in his head Bucky discovered that it was almost 4:30AM in Pakistan. What happened?

His enhanced hearing did pick up Huda’s anxious voice interrogating her father, but he felt wrong for listening in and tried to focus on the TV instead. It was some crime show, Huda had put in on through Netflix. He didn’t know what that meant but nodded as though he did. Jake vowed to make him an account.

Huda came back in ten minutes, a worried expression on her face and without explaining anything to them, fiddled with the TV, putting it onto a news channel. The reporter was a dishevelled woman, in foreign city- Wakanda, explaining the events that had happened.

“The Avengers have already evacuated the area, the Hulk finally contained by Mr Stark. Reports from eye witnesses identify a woman named the Scarlet Witch and accomplice Quicksilver behind the disastrous event.”

The screen shifted, revealing Hulk running rampant in the city, destroying buildings and cars, disregarding any human in his path. He seemed, delirious almost, frightened. Bucky instinctively straightened up, and from his side, Jake whispered, “what the fuck happened?”

“Infiltration gone wrong apparently, some guy called Ultron is planning on destroying the planet. The Avengers have gone into hiding and, my dad wants me home. Said it’s not safe here,” Huda explained her voice hollow as she considered the events for herself.

“He’s right, you should go,” Bucky stated, frowning. “Ultron doesn’t seem like the merciful kind.”

“He isn’t. But when are enemies merciful?”

Remembering his own hands engulf throats smaller his hands and squeeze, feeling miniature legs thrash and the child cry for their parent, Bucky thought to himself: never.

“Nine confirmed deaths, and a further twenty-seven currently injured,” the reported divulged solemnly, “the city mourns for its losses. As the location of the Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver and the Avengers remain unknown we can only hope for the best.”

Jake looked at Huda anxiously, face exposing all of his emotions, and he said, “are you going then? Back to Pakistan?”

Shrugging, she said, “I have to. For a week at least, until this blows over. I’m going to pack tonight and buy an emergency ticket. I’ll tell college it was a family emergency, but he wants me there now.”

Bucky nodded, it was ideal, and Jake offered, “need any help packing? I can-”

Shaking her head softly, she smiled sadly. “No, I’m good. Let’s eat and forget about it. I don’t want our last meal together to be gloomy and sad, alright?”

Unused to such extremity, Bucky saw the stress accumulated in her eyes and shoulders, it was understandable and saddening. Ultron appeared capable of doing what the Chitauri had failed, but to know for sure he’d have to do some recon. Visit the tower in New York to seek information for himself. He was a decent hacker, not the greatest, but Hydra had taught him the basics and using some of that skill, he’d figure out how this mess occurred.

Nevertheless, that was tomorrows problem, not the one for the present and both Huda and Jake were anxious, Bucky was the only one who was calm, body primped to handle such situations. Abiding her wish, Jake put the crime show back on, and Huda started bringing in the plates one by one.

Bucky offered to help. “Yeah, it’ll be faster if you both help. Come on loser, help me bring it out.”

Jake protested, but Bucky saw that it was mostly for show and complied, bringing out the dishes.

By the time they were seated, all three of them on the couch, Huda in the middle, Bucky asked, “uh, Huda, why have you cooked enough to feed an army?”

“Oh, she always does this, her portion control sucks,” Jake stated, Huda pinched him.

“We make a lot of food, so you’re taking this home with you. Especially you Bucky, you’re still looking pale,” she instructed.

He rolled his eyes. “It’s just my complexion-”

“It’s not just your complexion.”

“Okay, Huda, what’s what? For Bucky’s sake,” Jake intervened, probably tired of their bickering before it even started.

“Alright, so, I made brown rice, aloo gobi, kebabs and samosas with chutney and naan, and chicken masala- my neighbour likes it a lot, with roti obviously. And, to top it all off, falooda with ice cream. I’ll make the chai- tea later, if you want some. That’s also my speciality,” she listed, pointing to it as she did and finishing with a smile.

Bucky gaped.

Huda took a glimpse of him and chuckled. “I know, it’s a lot. But I always distribute it and whoever wants some takes it. Of course, this time you’ll be taking some too, so it’s all good.”

“Well, if it’s as good as it looks and smells, I will be,” Bucky agreed, and his heart ached when he thought, when was the last time he had ate a home cooked food that was entirely edible? Had his mum cooked for them during a religious holiday, or maybe for a party? He couldn’t help but wonder when was the last time he had truly ate without reservations?

Jake was already eating a kebab smothered into chutney in a piece of naan, and he assured, “trust me Bucky, it’s delicious. She can’t make anything disgusting.”

Nodding, Bucky removed his glove from the flesh hand, and asked, “where do I start?”

Given the circumstances, the night was wonderful. Nobody once mentioned his hand concealed by the glove, in fact, Huda assembled everything onto his plate for him, and told him quite a few times, “oh! That’s spicy, just a heads up.” Bucky fell in love with her cooking. In fact, he reiterated as such to her, causing her to blush for the first time he had known her, and Jake grinned.

Despite the food and atmosphere, Bucky worried about Ultron and the Avengers unable to forget the news report. Which, of course he did, Steve was a friend, a heartfelt memory. Bucky wanted him safe. Sure he could handle himself, his endurability was greater than Bucky’s and his resistance, healing, and sanity. And he had people supporting him all the time, no matter where he went. They wouldn’t allow him to get hurt. They’d proven it countless times that the Avengers weren’t S.H.I.E.L.D, there was no Hydra putting him at risk. But nevertheless, Bucky worried.

He left Huda’s apartment with a bag full of food, clear instructions on what not to let go waste and how to heat it up for later. It warmed his heart and cleared his mind just a little, the hospitality and kindness- someone trusted him enough to invite him into their home- and before he left, he wished Huda a good trip and said honestly that he hoped to see her again. They were friends.

Four days later, there was chaos in Seoul, Capital of South Korea.

Bucky had taken a 7-hour trip to New York prior, broke into the Avengers tower and checked all the scattered papers and mess trying to understand what had happened in Africa and who Ultron was. Walking amongst the fragments of glass, spilled oil, and mutilated robots, it was apparent to him that the cause of the chaos, was Ultron.

Sheets of useless information were everywhere, most directed to Hydra (a mess which he still couldn’t organise) and others regarding nuclear weapons, con men, thieves. That was when he realised: Ultron was a program, notes in Starks lab indicated that he created it to ‘armour the world’, and it was the ultimate peacekeeper.

Bucky scoffed, that was a doomed plan. The computers were running and surprisingly lacking a password, which allowed him to sweep them for further information, only having to cover his tracks so no-one knew he had accessed it. Fingers clothed, his face was hidden, and he was weary of the cameras lurking in the ceiling, angling away from them. They couldn’t know he was here.

All the information made him glad Huda had gone to visit her family. Ultron was not a saviour made of metal. He was an initiative gone awry.

Returning, he urged Jake to visit his family, just once, see how they were. Jake seemed confused, and declined, claiming, “Bill’s still here, and work is looking for excuses to kick me out. I can’t go yet, but I was thinking maybe Easter.” Bucky didn’t try again.

So, when things turned south in Seoul, Bucky was glad he was with Jake and they spoke to Huda on the phone, who seemed just as confused as them. Video clips emerged, though the quality was bad, of Hawkeye- Barton in the sky, Steve fighting the beast Ultron, and the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. For a brief second, he saw Natalia too and his heart eased by just a fraction.

He had taught her, trained her well, so she could defend all of them and herself. They all could. It had been so long since he’d seen her or even thought about her but watching her provide imperative support and do good with her talents, he felt proud and pleased. She was free too.

Just before Huda came back, things in Sokovia took a turn for the worst and Bucky watched, with an empty chest and vacant eyes, from the comfort of his cabin as the distressed witnesses recalled elevating into the air- the ground was lifting. Civilians stuck on the rising rock were taken into safety using helicarrier’s to evacuate anyone caught in the crossfire.

He looked away, the equipment familiar and a toxic reminder of the dreadful day just a year ago. His metal hand clenched into a fist. SHIELD was compromised, so why was it back into operation? Hydra would infiltrate again, just how it had with Pierce. It would keep coming back, an itch that could never be sated, and Bucky worried that if it did, it may have enervating consequences.

Through stressed videos, he saw fragments of Steve, as no news channel was given access to the site, and from what Bucky could tell he seemed okay. Was still in one piece and fighting with all his might, refusing to surrender. He was never good at backing down, his memories proved that early on.

_“I just don’t understand why you gotta fight when you know their riling you up. They want you to fight, you damn punk.”_

_A wet cloth pressed against his bruising forehead, Bucky assessed the rest of his injuries, both cramped in their small bathroom._

_“You know why Buck, they think they can bully everyone and get away with it, and it ain’t right. They need to be stopped,” Steve stated, voice getting progressively angry._

_“And why do you need to play hero? Can’t someone else take one for the team?” Bucky asked, staring into Steve’s oceanic eyes, captivated by the swirling blue waves. They roared with intensity and certainty. He already knew what the answer would be._

_“Not everyone can speak up, you know that. They’re scared out of their wits.”_

_The lightbulb flickered above them, as It had been doing for days. They ignored it, gazing at each other._

_“You’re not?”_

_Smiling almost sadly, Steve shook his head, fondness evident on his face. “I’m just like you Bucky, I get scared too. But I never let it hold me back. When someone needs help, you gotta do what you gotta do.”_

_Bucky imitated his smile. “I know, just, try not to end them all like this. We’re running low on supplies.”_

_“I’ll get some more,” Steve promised, chuckling, causing his eyes to crinkle and iris to gleam like a diamond._

Bucky didn’t need all his memories to know that Steve never failed. He was a stubborn, persistent brat. But his brat, he thought. Steve was his brat. And, acquiring his memories through the inconsistent and brutal process, Bucky knew that even then, he didn’t care.

The fight in Sokovia ended eventually, fatalities inevitable in every battle, and trauma and injuries intertwined. Quicksilver: deceased. News emerged that he was the brother of the Scarlet Witch- Wanda Maximoff, enhanced kids who volunteered for experimentation. Reactions were split, as they always were, some disgusted at the havoc the twins had caused and others sympathetic. The reason they joined was still unknown.  

From the only statement the Avengers released, they stated how the Maximoff twins were misled and manipulated. They weren’t aware of Ultron’s true motives until Wanda entered his mind and saw the darkness, the evil, and the vision he wanted to execute. Once it was discovered, they disarmed him and fled. Choosing to aid the Avengers in destroying Stark’s creation.

Clearly, they were trying to redeem themselves, and Bucky, a man harbouring secrets so gruesome they had contaminated him was on the same path of redemption. So, he wasn’t sure how to feel. They were kids, they made mistakes and they just needed support. Support the Avengers would hopefully give Wanda, granted they forgive her for unleashing the Hulk and stirring mayhem in Africa. The lives that were lost as a consequence however…

The whole situation was just a mess. He tried not to think about it anymore, he didn’t want to bother himself with the complexities.

When Huda came back she was happier, that’s what Bucky noticed first. There was spring to her step, she laughed a lot harder and openly, and she was the most affectionate Bucky had ever seen her. They didn’t discuss the events of Sokovia, thankfully, and she had bought them gifts, a way of changing the subject when it became stifling.

“Okay, so I got you both attar and lanterns. Don’t ask why, it was what I could get on such short notice, since my ami was reluctant to let me go.” She blushed at her words. “I meant mom, not ami.”

Bucky grinned at it, as Jake gushed, “that’s really cute Huda, your ami wanted to spend time with you!

Rolling her eyes, she grumbled, “it’s been months, they never wanted to let me go!”

“I don’t blame them, you’re all the way here and they’re there. I’d never let you go!”

Bucky chuckled, because that was definitely something Jake would do, but he didn’t voice his opinions. He just listened to the banter, a feeling of contentment sneaking up on him. He may have lost his old life and everything in it, but he was gaining a new one. Albeit slowly and through much hesitance, he was still doing it.

Huda also had a list of homemade remedies for his migraines, claiming her ma had constructed it with intent and that they should work. They did, miraculously, and for the first time since S.H.I.E.L.D.S demise, he was liberated from its pain. He thanked her vigorously.

“I’ll let my mom know it was a success then,” Huda laughed, and Bucky nodded, because it definitely was.

Bucky hung the lantern outside next to his swing chair and ignited the candle whilst he lay there. The attar was on his desk in his bedroom and used as often as he left the house. February started in the meantime, the snowfall persisted; he took pictures, drank hot chocolate, chilled with Huda and Jake, and researched Steve every day to see if new information emerged. It had, but nothing precise, so it wasn’t too bad. At least he was alive and well.

He hoped he was, it was a known fact to him that Steve struggled to let things go and something as distressing as what happened in Sokovia would have the power to destroy him. Itching to contact the guy, Bucky shook the thought out of his system with harsh reminders that he couldn’t and wouldn’t.

The world suffered from a tender wound and so did many of the people living on it. But they would heal. Injuries if treated in time would always rebuild the battered tissue. So would Steve, Sokovia, Wakanda and anyone else suffering from the aftermath of Ultron. Life had to in order to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all better prepare for the next chapter cause YOU AINT READY 
> 
> also...I love comments so if u wanna talk about the food or how cool Huda/Jake are then please do! I just love everyone in this fic...so much and I hope you do too!
> 
> tumblr: bountifulsilences


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the moment you've all been waiting for...has finally arrived. I hope this isn't too disappointing? but I hope you enjoy it regardless! 
> 
> WARNING: self mutilation, dying in the alps, winter soldier actions briefly mentioned.

The earth slowed down after the catastrophic events of Sokovia and things were settling. They weren’t preparing for war; good times were coming, that’s what Jake said anyway.

Bucky disagreed.

Which is why after so long, Steve turned up at Bucky’s doorstep, Falcon in tow, with nothing but a large duffle bag slung on his shoulder and an expression so sad, that when Bucky trudged through the snow to his home, he paused near the edge of the cabin. He was wearing his jacket, because he hadn’t gone to the mountains wandering in the woods instead, and his rucksack was pressed against his back weighing nothing.

The flashlight was in his hands, facing the ground. He froze.

Steve looked good, which of course he did he was Steve, Bucky always found him beautiful, but tired too. A weariness was attached to his eyes as a frown- worry- concern- plea for help? That seemed to be causing him pain, and it made a frown develop on Bucky’s face.

Falcon looked defensive, which, you came to my house Bucky thought, but didn’t voice. How long had they been stood there? It was night, had been dark and cold for a long time. Temperatures weren’t kind in his part of town, even for a super-soldier.

Swallowing a breath Bucky turned off his flashlight, the path engraved in his memory, and slowly approached them unable to prevent himself from trying to hide. He was unarmed, a decision he found foolish at the moment, but he could take out Falcon and distract Steve long enough to escape.

Then, he’d run.

Silently stopping next to them, he sighed, and it was Bucky who penetrated the silence, asking, “how?”

Falcon jumped, startled by his sudden appearance and gravelly voice no doubt, responding cautiously, “Natasha. Before Ultron, she found your location but didn’t have time to explore and now, she did. Figured that it was time.”

He nodded. Natalia was clever, she probably located him before but didn’t want to upset Steve so lied. He had been in one place for a while, someone was bound to find him he knew he couldn’t hide from the sky, but he stupidly convinced himself nothing would happen. He was so very wrong.

The silence returned and Bucky`s stomach flipped noisily, he didn’t know how to react. Turning to his left, he glanced at the mountains the skyline radiant and gentle, then looked at his frozen lake, cold and hard. He nodded again.

Without addressing them, he walked up to the front door, pushing it open because it wasn’t locked- so why didn’t they wait inside? He had turned on the central heating using his phone before he began his journey home, so the house was warm, and he realised belatedly, messy too.

His shoes were sprawled messily next to the wall, the blanket was on the floor in front the fireplace, pillows surrounding it, and his coffee mug was left on the table from the morning. Laptop, iPad, and other gadgets were discarded on the table too, but he ignored them and shrugged off his jacket and shoes and socks, putting them in their respectful homes.

Steve and Falcon followed, maintaining a decent distance between them to which Bucky was thankful for, and they shadowed his footsteps just not as noisily. He ignored them, busying himself by going to the fireplace and prodding it until a fire was born, and for a second he held his fingers open near the flame, warming them. His metal arm was frozen. He’d leave the scarf on his shoulder for a bit longer.

Hoisting the pillows onto the couch, he threw the blanket at the end of it and gestured for them to sit, not making any eye contact, and muttered, “uh, excuse the mess, remote for the TV is there. You hungry?”

“Starving,” Falcon concurred, and that was enough for Bucky, so he ambled to the open kitchen, a pair of eyes tracking his movement. He knew whose. He washed his hands as the TV came to life.

“It’s a nice place you got here Barnes. How’d do you get it?” Falcon whistled, and Bucky acquired plates for them all, putting in leftovers from Huda’s into it.

The roti had to be heated on the stove, it would lose the stiffness that way as putting it into the microwave wouldn’t taste the same. So, he turned on the cooker and let the fire ignite before splatting the chappati onto it, moving it around in quick hand movements, not wanting it to get burnt, just how Huda taught him.

In regard to Falcon, he answered sharply, “Hydra,” not wanting to elaborate or explain his thievery. He was entitled to some compensation and he needed it. So, he took it.

There was no reply, but a movie was put on and hushed sounds travelled to Bucky’s ears. He purposely ignored them, warming the food, and didn’t look at them once despite their conversation being evidently about him. Some things were better left unknown.

Unfortunately, the food didn’t take long to heat up, and soon, he put the bowls in front of Steve and Falcon, explaining, “gosht- it’s lamb curry, these are uh, roti’s.” He winced, his pronunciation was horrendous. “If you want something else, I can-” he gestured vaguely to the kitchen.

“No, no Bucky,” Steve spoke for the first time, “it’s fine. You going to eat too?” He pointed to his bowl and Steve nodded. “Yeah, that’s uh- that’s good.”

Falcon saved the day, getting a roti, and exclaiming, “man I love Indian food.”

“Pakistani,” Bucky corrected, more on principle than anything. “This is made differently- masala, spices are all different.”

Bucky got himself one, it was in his metal hand, using the other to tear pieces off and he started eating, head down. He saw the men look at his arm and probably the cloth he had wrapped around his shoulder too but didn’t question it. He was sat on the floor too, despite the fact there was plenty of space next to Steve, and nobody said a thing about it. Sam shrugged, starting to eat, and he moaned.

“You made this? I thought white people didn’t use spices.”

Bucky shrugged, not divulging how his friend was the one to make it, and an awkward silence followed the TV a distant noise. He ate two chapatis, Steve managing four and Falcon followed him, finishing with two. On the sofa, Sam laid back, groaning. “That was so nice. Best curry I’ve ever had.”

Pride congregated in his stomach as he thought, yeah, that’s Huda for you, but his face was blank and he merely collected the dirty dishes to take them and wash up. Steve jumped at the opportunity, picking up the few that Bucky was about to carry and when he protested, Steve insisted he wanted to help.

Nodding, he walked away and used the sink to start washing because he still didn’t know how to use the dishwasher. He’d have to ask Jake, he knew everything. Steve didn’t leave.

Awkwardly hovering near him, he said, “it’s a nice home, beautiful scenery too.”

Bucky nodded, he knew that. It was one of the reason he chose it, but that was too personal to disclose. Still, he couldn’t leave Steve hanging like that. Steve, he meant something.

“Thanks.” Well done Barnes, don’t overwork yourself. He almost rolled his eyes at himself.

Undeterred, Steve stated, “you’re welcome.” Another silence washing over them.

Bucky managed to wash, dry, and put his utensils/bowls away, before looking for his phone. Then he realised, sleep. Where would they all sleep? The spare room was converted into a gym, there was no room to move the equipment and he was tired, so he didn’t want to.

He looked at them discreetly as he rummaged through his pockets and rucksack, emptying them, and wondered if they’d be okay sharing his bed. He didn’t have anywhere else to put them. How would he initiate the conversation?

Also, how could he transfer his pictures?

What about his nightmares, how could he silence those?

It was still too cold, and snow ridden for a morning run, so how would he exercise in the morning?

What about meeting Jake and Huda?

Taking pictures, he wanted to go to the mountains.

He gulped nervously and saw that his hands were shaking with anxiety. Urgently willing himself to calm, he forced his hands to steady and deposited the equipment on the table, near the edge so he didn’t disturb them watching TV and subtly trying to monitor him.

Then, emptying the container from his rucksack, he left the thing on the counter- he’d clean and use it tomorrow- and then grabbed the laptop and camera, shuffling closer to the fireplace. He began to work, screen hidden from view. Nobody questioned him, too fearful perhaps, and he didn’t acknowledge them though he was hyperaware of where they were.

“Why?” he asked quietly, eyes fixed on the laptop screen. He knew they heard him, they were all watching each other, it would be impossible for them to not.

“I had to- I had to see you Buck. Ultron happened, you were missing, and it just, seemed right. To come now,” Steve poorly explained. That didn’t justify Falcon.

“I’m here to make sure you both don’t end up dead. It’s been a while,” he said.

Bucky nodded, voice tinged with gruff, he said, “how long?” it may be time to upgrade.

“As long as you’ll have me Buck. If you want me to go then I will. You just need to say the words.” Steve was earnest, but confident too. He knew Bucky wouldn’t kick him out into the cold.

So, he shut up, letting the silence return and quietly transferred his pictures from the camera to his laptop. Eventually, Falcon was yawning, Bucky far from tired, and Steve seemed exhausted. He placed the laptop down and got up, saying, “follow me.”

Surprisingly, they followed obediently.

Bucky lead them to his bedroom, nothing special there and showcased his bed. “You guys will have to share but I’m sure you’ll manage. Uh, I’ll be downstairs if you need me. Bathroom is the first door to your left. The other one has gym equipment.”

Steve protested before he could leave, “Buck- Bucky, we can’t take this- your bed, we’ll sleep on the couch, you can-”

“Steve,” he verbally acknowledged for the first time, “there isn’t enough space downstairs.” Shrugging, he added, “I’ve slept there before, I’ll be fine. Goodnight.”

He didn’t wait for a reply and closed the door behind him. Trudging away from his room, the hushed whispers resumed, and he sighed, leaving the hallway light on and turning off all the downstairs lights. As quietly as he could, he padded over to the door and opened it, stepping outside into the bitter air, and deposited himself on the swing chair.

Pillows were everywhere, leaving no surface uncovered and he slipped under the blanket, burrowed into it knowing it would warm up soon enough staring out at the mountains. From afar they offered solace, though closer Bucky still felt apprehensive; he blankly gazed at the rocky peaks, wondering what had happened in the span of a couple of hours.

Steve and Falcon were in his home. Residing in his room. Uninvited, mostly unwelcome, and distrustful. It hurt, it pained but Bucky wanted answers. Why come? Why now? Why?

He wasn’t harming anything- stopped punishing himself and could snap out of it when rage consumed his body, ordering him to mutilate himself. He could control it now, better than ever before. Healing. He was healing. So, why did they come? Bucky was failing to register the events that had just happened, was too frenzied to do anything but stare.

He knew though, when it all tumbled down on him, it would be fatal. Falcon would attack him in his home and Steve would have to watch. After all, he was his mission. And, the thing was, he was doing good. Jake and Huda, they were friends. Helping him. But now, it had taken a u-turn into the opposite direction.

How would he deal with this? How would he deal with himself?

Seeing Steve after all those months, he felt none of Hydra’s programming itching to be relieved, he felt nothing. No happiness, no worry, no anger. Numb. That was it. He was feeling numb.

Maybe he could take one of the jagged edges from the mountains and remind himself he was alive. Breathing. Living. Steve and his best friend being there meant nothing, it was just him. He breathed deeply.

The night passed before his open eyes, iris empty of any emotions. By the time the birds started singing, he was pulled out of his daze. Gym. He had to go to the gym.

Mechanically, he inserted energy into muscles, like oil onto rusty steel, prodding movement into his limbs, and he entered his house. The fire was dead, ashes the only proof it existed, and the room was still dark, giving nothing away. He checked his phone. It was 7.

He was wearing his hiking bottoms, an old top he found on the floor, and he couldn’t find his socks. Rolling his eyes, he searched near the fireplace trying to recall where he had put them but couldn’t find them. Shoes, his mind supplied helpfully, but he never put his socks in his shoes.

They were in the shoes.

Frowning, he tugged them on, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge, charged his camera and phone in the meantime and silently went up the stairs, ignoring his room and into the gym. Everything was where it should be, unscathed by another presence, but Bucky knew they investigated it whilst he was away. One his weights had been touched, barely so, but enough for him to recognise it were out of place.

He left it where it was. The equipment all faced the window giving him a view to exercise to and the door was behind him. Without a second thought, he started his daily routine. Going at it as vigorously as he could, hoping it’d tire him so that at night there would be nothing but the beautiful black abyss. He didn’t have much hope, but he tried to think positively. Maybe.

He finished his workout with that thought in mind. He gave the weights a miss.

When he finished he was panting, sweat dripping off him like raindrops, and his hair was matted to his forehead. He desperately needed to shower. Chugging most of his water, he contemplated going into his room and getting some clothes for himself but decided against it.

They were sleeping, he couldn’t disturb them. Instead, he trudged into the kitchen, legs feeling like jelly, and searched through his dry clothes to find something he could wear; he was in the shower before they saw him. He wasn’t fit for morning interaction just yet.

Sometime whilst he showered they must have left the room and retreated into the kitchen, probably wanting breakfast, because when he got there, hair stuck to his head and dirty clothes in his metal hand, Falcon was looking through the cupboards. Bucky swallowed a breath.

Putting his clothes in the washing machine, he kept a distance between himself and Steve and his friend, asking, “hungry?”

Falcon nodded, and Steve didn’t reply, looking at him intently. Bucky nodded. “I’ll make something. Make yourself comfortable.”

Falcon chuckled, “man, now that is something I can do. Come on Steve don’t disturb the man while he cooks.”

Bucky turned their back to them, but he didn’t have to see them to know Steve probably didn’t want to. When he was determined, he didn’t envision anything but his goal. Bucky wondered, what did he want from him?

Breakfast was simple, toast and eggs, with coffee for himself and Falcon, and tea for Steve. Bucky inserted a large distance between them whilst he ate. The TV was on, a news channel droning on about the Avengers and the guests were engrossed, watching attentively as they ate. He itched to escape from his own house.

Instead, he scoffed down his food using that as an excuse to move away, and washed the dishes as eyes followed him, taking his devices off charge when he finished. On the TV screen, it emitted that it was just after 9 and that was the perfect time to go shopping. He’d need more food to house two more men, and privacy. It was decided.

Collecting socks from his bedroom, he threw on his jacket, pulled on his shoes, and retrieved his phone from the table. Steve intervened before he left, questioning, “where are you going?”

His hair was still drying so he had pulled it behind his ears hoping that the cold wouldn’t freeze his head, but he couldn’t expect much from anything. Placing his phone in his pocket, he muttered, “store.”

Comically, Steve perked at that. “Can I come?”

No, he desperately wanted to utter. “I’ll wait in the car,” is what he said instead, and walked out of the door, tentatively making his way to the jeep. Steve would follow eventually. He turned up the heaters, the warmth knitting against his body like a sweater and breathed out deeply, fidgeting to get his gloves on.

True to his word, he waited for Steve and unconcealed surprise illuminated Steve’s face when he saw. Bucky did consider leaving him behind but couldn’t compel his feet to move and execute the desire. Disappointing an old best friend wasn’t at the top of his list.

“Hey, you waited,” Steve greeted, a grin lining his face. It was the first one Bucky had seen since their arrival, and suddenly Steve looked young again. The stolen years were returned, the youthful gleam alight, and he swallowed again, forcing to focus on the jeep.

“Yeah.”

Driving out, he was vigilant on the icy path and Steve seemed captivated by his home. Glancing amongst the trees, there was a wondrous awe displayed on his face, as though he was slowly coming to life being surrounded by so much wistful energy. Iris’s big, they tried to capture everything no doubt, something Bucky’s camera wasn’t even capable of doing, and it was refreshing. Easy.

Steve looked amazed, hypnotised by the white woodland, and Bucky remembered a time when he saw that look before.

_“Wow Buck, it’s beautiful,” Steve breathed, mist trailing out of his lips, swirling into nothing._

_Bucky affirmed, “sure is. But it doesn’t have nothing against you.”_

_Nudging his shoulders against Steve’s, a light blush instantly adorned his pale cheeks and he huffed a laugh, bumping Bucky back. Crinkles formed near his eyes, as he shook his head, complaining lightly, “you never appreciate the scenery whenever we find something nice.”_

_“Well sweetheart, there’s nothing better than you out there. Killer smile, eyes bluer than the sky, a whole lotta love for a fella like me, what can compete with that?”_

_A fond smile spread across Steve’s face, and Bucky grinned. “Who knew you’d be such a sap?”_

_“I did.”_

_Steve rolled his eyes. “To bed soldier, you always get extra lovey when you’re sleepy.”_

_“Do not!” Bucky protested, but he did. And he was on his third day without any sleep, so he was acting more affectionate than usual, but he found it easier to convey how much he loved and appreciated Steve when he borderline delirious._

_When he was sober, feelings and words were harder than they could ever be. And his actions only splayed death and death and death. But they shared a tent that night, Bucky falling asleep safe and secure, and in the morning, he was bestowed with private side of Steve Rogers no one had access too other than him._

Reeling back into reality he noticed that Steve was looking at him every so often, a soft smile on his face, but he kept his gaze aligned to the road careful not to hit anything or slip. He had a narrow escape before and did not want to relive the experience.

“You ever go into the forest?” Steve asked, expelling the silence, and expectantly waiting for an answer.

Bucky cleared his throat. “Yes.”

“Were you there yesterday? That why you came late?”

He nodded. How long was Steve and Falcon waiting for?

In a gentler voice, Steve admitted, “I know we’re intruding, me and Sam, but I couldn’t come alone. After the carrier incident they don’t trust me much when it comes to you.”

“You can stay,” Bucky struggled to spit, “But.”

“But what?” Steve urged, and Bucky retreated, shrugging nonchalantly.

He couldn’t voice that he wanted Falcon gone, that was Steve’s friend. He couldn’t say he wanted Steve to go. Because if they had nowhere to turn, he refused to let them down. Especially when Steve was hiding something.

He’d house them for as long as they needed- or he could. It was all he could offer. After all, only a dormant volcano is safe enough to venture into. Magma was simmering violently inside him, and since Steve’s arrival that had intensified, but he was delaying the eruption for as long as he could. Hopefully, no one would be caught in the spitfire.

“I know this whole situation is awful Buck, but just trust me, please. Sam has to leave in three days and then it’ll just be us. I don’t want it to be horrible for you or for me,” Steve pleaded.

Bucky sighed, confessing in Russian, “It's not you who I don't trust.”

Steve’s expression puzzled. “What? I don’t know Russian. Natasha said she’d teach me but she’s never there long enough for it to happen.”

“Nothing.” He brushed off dismissively, fingers clenching around the steering wheel.

Thankfully, Steve didn’t push. Nodding, he accepted the fate and let the conversation deteriorate, the rest of the drive gliding uneventfully. The radio in the truck was silent and nobody made a move to ignite it, letting sound drift in between them to extinguish the awkward silence.

However, Steve didn’t look uncomfortable and Bucky thrived in the quietness of his new life, so it was reassuring to see that Steve wasn’t hating it all entirely. If he was there to stay Bucky wanted his time to be as good as he could make it, well, as his battered mind could make it. He was once his best friend, it had to mean something.

Arriving at the store, Bucky parked the jeep, checked his pockets one last time to see if he had everything (he did) and then exited the vehicle. Grabbing a trolley, he weaved through the building, knowing where everything was and what to buy; pausing, he wondered if Steve and his new friend wanted anything.

“If you or Falcon want anything, get it now. I don’t come here often.”

Lie. He was always in town to visit Huda and Jake. His purposeful lie didn’t do anything, as Steve declined with a swift shake of his head, waving his hand firmly. He didn’t offer again. The trip itself wasn’t too long, despite the journey lasting for almost an hour, and it ended quicker than he anticipated.

Steve trailed behind him, watching silently as he assessed Bucky’s performance of normalcy, the way he chose the ripest fruit, how he handled the trolley, smiled at people passing them by. It wasn’t much, he wasn’t extremely picky, but it was enough to make him human. Maybe Steve would be able to see that.

“Have you tried this before?” Steve asked, grabbing a container from the shelf.

Halting, Bucky turned to look at what he was holding, confused when he saw a package of jello. Looking at Steve hesitantly, he shook his head, saying, “no. Do you want it?”

Smiling knowingly, Steve told him, “I think you’ll like this.”

Shrugging indifferently, Bucky let him place it with the rest of the groceries. Steve did that occasionally, inquiring if he had tried something and proceeded to place it with the rest of the food, promising Bucky would like it and that he should try it. He had no problem with it, thus shrugged and said, “be my guest.”

There was nothing else left for him to do, and Steve didn’t have any pending errands to run, so Bucky deposited the bags in his backseat, starting up the car and driving back home. It was productive, but it certainly didn’t feel like that, not when the silence was slowly turning oppressive.

Falcon was outside when Bucky pulled up, standing on the wooden port, observing the frozen waters and the scenic beauty lingering behind it. Posture relaxed and wearing a weak jacket to defend him from the icy wind, Bucky left him, giving Steve the option to disrupt his friend’s contentment.

Bucky knew the views circling his home were seemingly unreal, picture perfect and enchanting, that just demanded to be appreciated. He knew because even after months of living there, after months of trying to assimilate into his life, it was the scenery that never got old or overwhelming which helped him relax.

Steve walked over to his friend, giving Bucky the perfect opportunity to clean and organise his home and ruminate. Thought about the nights where he awoke pressing a knife onto his own neck, imagining it was another mission, or harrowing recollections of the crimes Hydra committed against him.

When he first moved in, it was intense. Ambivalent about the decision, he wondered if he made the right choice by settling down, an excruciating fear choked him whilst he slept. He hurt himself, in so many horrifying ways that it was unbelievable, but afterwards, he’d always slip out of the cabin into the swing chair, curled there emotionlessly.

Ultimately, he was content with his decision to settle, but when there was a scarlet trail behind him of people that wanted an asset or friend back, he couldn’t help second guessing himself. His life was a cloud of danger regardless of how he lived it, nothing could change that.

Reviving a ghost was impossible, it was optimistic, ambitious, and wistful. But there was no fuel, no charge that could accomplish such a thing. There was just a soul looking down at a body that had the same face as it, and there was no pull, no connection, no link.

But then, the change, the biggest decision he had ever made since rediscovering Bucky Barnes forced him to face his most disgusting memories and confront them. It compelled him to question himself, what he wanted and what he was going to do. Because in the span of those initial days, Bucky learnt a life-altering fact.

He was forest. He was a host for all dreams and desires, providing them with a place to exist and nurturing them into something grand, rather than just letting them be. Parts of him were destroyed; some grew and prospered, whilst others were created. Nature was full of possibilities, and he’d like to believe that he was a bundle of those possibilities.

So, he accepted that he was Bucky Barnes, and the corpse he was looking down at did belong to him. Mostly destroyed, he couldn’t bring it all back, but that didn’t mean the present was useless, it just meant that it was time for his skills to create and generate life, rather than steal it. In the grand scheme of things, he’d even call it a mission. Reconstruct a life and person for himself.

The landscape around him was literally life-saving, which is why he empathised with Falcon as he gazed into it, absorbed into an entirely new reality. Sometimes it took seeing a new side of something familiar, that offered the most compelling perspectives. Sometimes, all it took was little faith and courage.

Things that not even Hydra could abolish.

He just hoped that Steve would find solace during his stay and learn that adaption could be the key to accessing contentment. Bucky was still trying, and he didn’t expect that he’d ever stop, but he was _trying_. Though he figured that the latest change to his life may be a setback rather than a step forward. It wasn’t looking very promising.

He managed to clean the remaining mess, time nearing 12, Steve and appendage were still outside, and he began making lunch. Making himself a sandwich, he packed two more for the hiking trip, and decided he’d wait for them to enter before asking if they wanted to eat. If they did, then he’d show them where the food was and be off. They could make their own.

Eating his food in a slow manner, he tried to waste as much time as he could so he could assist them. But they never came, and he was on a tight, non-existent schedule. Frowning, he did everything he needed to do: preparing his hot chocolate, insulating his metal arm firmly, shrug on his large coat, and wore a beanie to cover his usually exposed ears. Collecting his camera, phone, car keys, he put his gloves on.

Pouring the hot cocoa into a thermos, he filled the containers with as much stuff as he could and deposited that in his rucksack. Then, he was out of the door. Closing it behind him loudly, their heads turned to look as he descended the stairs.

Steve shuffled awkwardly, how he did when he was caught in a private moment, and Bucky looked away, muttering, “I’m going out. I’ll be back late. Help yourself to whatever’s in there.”

Falcon nodded. “Hydra?”

“No,” Bucky said in a stern voice. He didn’t do that anymore.

Holding up his hands, Falcon nodded again. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did, they deserve it. I need your number, so I can text if anything happens. You got your phone on you?”

Bucky didn’t reply, digging out his phone instead and handing it to Captain America’s wingman, insinuating clearly, put your number in it. Falcon was clever, he understood simple gestures and did so, giving himself a missed call so he’d have Bucky’s number.

Steve was not-so-strangely quiet, eyes jumping erratically, like he couldn’t keep in one place. Bucky eyed him with feigned disinterest but found no injuries or sources of harm. Maybe it’s you, his brain taunted, but he pushed it down.

Steve came to him. It wasn’t the other way around.

“I’ll be back soon,” he promised, mostly to ensure himself that he would. Falcon nodded appreciatively, and he was off, strapping himself in his truck and disappearing into the mass of trees.

He couldn’t deny it, but he looked back at Steve through the mirror, just to see his diminishing figure before he vanished into the jagged enclosure. He was heading to one of the most symbolic site of their past, and unlike last time, this instance allowed Bucky to return. His body would not be left for the Soviets to salvage.

He drove for an hour before he reached his destination and the familiar anxiety combined with excitement rose. The messy, half formed thoughts and memories dissipated as he advanced to the collection of summits, and the air seemed richer here, cooler, and new. Inhaling a large breath, his exhalation flushed the worries and nagging apprehension out of his system, refusing to let it besmirch his serenity.

Last time he was there, he found a great cliff overlooking the floor of part of the forest and the opening to the mountains. A waterfall streamed down the rocky heights and all the water accumulated into a pond at the bottom which had weaved a way through the trees, created a route to reach the foot of the mountains and form the inevitable lake. The one that Bucky had seen in his first visit.

Parking the truck at the bottom, his hike to the top was long and difficult, one of the toughest till day, but he smiled at his upcoming journey prepared to tackle the unstable and grim climb. Hydra had taught him how to overcome any obstacle, whether it was environmental or physical or social. No potential problem was left unforeseen.

_“You see soldier, it is imperative we teach you this now, so no mission ends in failure, you understand?” His handler, Anatoly Viktor explained, circling Bucky._

_Voice gruff from disuse, he croaked emotionlessly, “da.”_

_“Good soldier, good.” Pausing in front of the guards, he ordered, “take him under, strapped and weighted. He must learn how to escape.”_

Anatoly had weights attached to his improved physique and the thickest clothes they could find. Throwing Bucky in a recently thawed lake, he demanded he escape without any help or prompt. For the first 5 tries, he almost drowned, but he learnt how to balance the weight, the water, and the ice coursing through him freezing him slowly, finally escaping.

They made him endure fates worse than death, increasing his durability, stamina, resistance. Now when he had to hold on, he’d never let go. The knives they pierced into his hands ensure it. When required, he’d stay awake for as long as his body allowed, because some missions needed constant vigilance. Hunger was awful when there was no food, but he mastered how to survive for days without food or water.

Everything he underwent, the procedures and tests were to insert life into a fabrication, to bring a life to a concept and accomplish the unachievable. It was horrific and painful and downright terrifying, Bucky remembered everything- the torture, the deprivation, the isolation. But it did result in new skills and strength to survive.

He may have been a weapon for most of his short-lived life, but now he was capable of doing anything. Now, he was a weak, indestructible force that lived in trepidation and security.  A walking contradiction.

The trek passed swiftly and before he knew it, he was at the top of the cliff. Shaking off his contemplations, the boulders tumbled to the ground and into the water, trickling away from him. For a moment, he stopped, didn’t get out his camera to record the moment, and just looked.

Appreciating the view, he felt it warm his heart as the breeze harshly flew by, relentless on higher grounds. Closing his eyes, he breathed in and savoured the fresh air, enchanted by the persistent flowing water. Arms enclosed him, comforting the lingering uneasiness and he sighed, finally freed.

Opening his eyes, he walked near the edge of the cliff and peered down. Trees were congregated at the very foot of the cliff, straight and tall, piercing into the emptiness and the leaves were speckled with snow. From the left, the water emerged and snaked around them, surging into a large river. On the other side of the water were more trees, similarly decorated, and undisturbed.

Where the water spread, there was a spit of rock, covered sparsely with snow, and the liquid rushed ahead easier now, before in the far distance it reached the mountains and lake Bucky had already investigated. It looked beautiful, picturesque. The contrast in black and white was subtle, not too sharp, or overwhelming, and the clouds in the sky were small and plump, only a few remaining.

Pulling out his camera, he stayed where he was and took a picture of just the floor, giving the waterfall a miss. Like a wavy line, the mountains mostly blurred, but the snow shimmering on their heads made them stand out, and they looked magnificent- majestic, with a pink glow approaching behind them.

Taking a few steps back, he got the waterfall into the frame too and took some more pictures, capturing everything his lens could picture. It was calm and peaceful, with the noise of animals masked by soaring waters and the trickle of rain into the river below. He took some of the cliff around him too, the long drop that appeared innocuous was a rather daunting when it came to be encapsulated, and the height of it was beginning to make him feel nauseous.

He took a well-deserved break, eating his sandwich, drinking some hot cocoa, and laying back appreciating the solitary beauty. However, nightfall was imminent and he had to get back so he could start his dinner and prepare for the night. The guests were still in his home.

Cherishing the moment for a second longer, he put everything into his rucksack, packing it away and then heaved onto his feet, starting the trek to his truck. On the way down he took some more picture, the different lighting showing a changed side of the descent, and he wanted to capture it all. Soon enough he was back in his truck, headlights on and mind sated, he began the journey home.

By the time he reached his cabin, it was completely dark, which, how did that happen? He could see the lights on inside, so Falcon and Steve were still there it meant, and he supressed anxious sigh. Killing the engine, he shrugged the rucksack over one shoulder and entered his home, the smell of food worming its way through him immediately.

Kicking off his shoes, he frowned because Falcon was by the stove cooking, and Steve was loitering around him, unhelpful as he always was in the kitchen. The TV was on, playing a random movie that nobody was paying attention to, and it seemed casual. Easy. Bucky hesitantly removed his large coat and hung it on the hanger. Eyeing them cautiously, he saw them turn to look at him and Steve lit up.

Taking lead, Falcon waved at the food in front of him. “I texted you, rang you a million times but you ignored me each time. That’s cold Barnes. But I made us dinner, it saved you having to cook. You mind?”

He mutely shook his head. Pulling off his beanie, he stuffed it into his rucksack and methodically extracted his phone, camera, food container and thermos before putting the bag onto the table leaving the gadgets there. Removing the insulation protecting his shoulder, he deposited it on the couch before wearily approaching the super-soldier and dining table, leaving the containers on the surface.

Steve was quick to move from Sam to him and asked, “did you have a good time?”

Bucky startled, but didn’t show it. He was a master of concealing all his emotions. Clearing his throat, he reported, “yeah.” His voice was rough, and whilst shuffling around, he cleared his throat again. It sounded like he had chain smoked ten packets of cigarettes.

Breathing deeply, he walked away from them, knowing they’d ask for help if they needed it and sat down on the couch, laptop on the table and everything else how he left it. He began working. Turning on the laptop and camera, he waited for the laptop to boost and skipped through the many pictures he took, deciding which to delete and which to keep.

Steve followed him, thankfully residing in the corner of the couch, and prompted a conversation. “You’re into photography now? I never thought I’d see the day Bucky Barnes appreciated art.”

I loved everything you draw, he wanted to say, because he did and he knew that, but bit his lip. Instead, he said, “a hobby’s a hobby,” a shrug accompanying it.

Sparing Steve a glance, he saw a soft smile grow, and he replied “I’m happy for you, Buck. I just wonder where this creative streak was before when you’d complain about me drawing all the time.”

Bucky recollected that, he knew he complained when Steve focussed more on his drawings than him and would always insist that he stop in favour of paying attention to him.

_“Come on Buck, just 5 more minutes and then I’ll come to bed. You don’t need to mother hen me all the time. I’m older than you,” Steve stated, fingers idly shading a section of his concealed drawing, whilst Bucky stood at the doorway._

_Slumped against the frame, his fingers were in his pocket loosely, and he knew that his lips were red from all the drinking, and hair messy from the constant pulling. He shook his head even though Steve wasn’t looking. “Not a chance pal, it’s either both of us or none.”_

_Rolling his eyes, Bucky saw him pause to give him a look and he shook his head once, a swift motion conveying an evident ‘no’. It wasn’t enough because Bucky never knew when to stop, and all he wanted was to get into bed, wrap his arms around Steve and fall asleep feeling his heart beating beneath his palm._

_He was tipsy, but not drunk enough to request it thankfully, and he took matters into his own hands. Pushing himself away from the doorframe, he walked to Steve laying on the couch, back pressed against their rock-hard pillows, and legs stitched together, bony knees protruding in the air. It was chilly, and he wasn’t even wearing socks._

_Dropping himself onto the free end of their sofa, he laid down and rested his head against Steve’s legs, nuzzling into them. He heard Steve sigh. “Why don’t you just go bed? It’s gotta be comfier than my legs. God, they’re like sticks.”_

_Bucky didn’t need to see him to know that he was frowning at him. Sub consciously, his hand swatted Steve’s torso and then fell limp against it, him not wanting to move. “I told you, it’s both of us or none.”_

_“You’re so damn dramatic Barnes, I’m tryna do some work, go to bed,” Steve grumbled._

_“You handed in your commissions yesterday, you little punk, so you don’t have any work,” Bucky countered, eyes closing comfortably, Steve sketching away._

_“Well maybe they gave me some more.” Steve said, and Bucky smiled against his legs. “Wake me up when you’re done Stevie. S’not good to sleep on the couch. Bad for the back.”_

_“Oh, sweet Jesus, get up, we’re going, we’re going. Change into some other clothes, you’ve still got another wear outta these ones. And for goodness sake, do not hog the pillows, I like resting my head too.”_

_Bucky got up easily, a grin on his face as he nodded. Steve glared half-heartedly at him. Walking into the room, he changed into his slacks and took up as much room on the pillows when he sprawled on the bed. This was the easiest way to get him close, and Bucky wouldn’t stop even if the president asked him to._

_“God damn it Bucky!” Steve groaned, and he supressed a chuckle. It was worth it._

“I guess I never found it interesting back then,” Bucky replied, eyes fixed on the small screen, and Steve huffed a laugh. He was always too busy wanting Steve’s attention to want anything else. The consequence of love he supposed.

“Well, I guess I’m glad you can appreciate it now, art isn’t the enemy,” Steve said, almost cheerfully.

No, but I am, Bucky thought desperately.

“I never thought it was.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Steve said, and Bucky couldn’t help but indulge in a covert glimpse of him, to see if he was truly finding their conversation satisfying.

Steve was looking- no, staring at him, a small smile adorning his face, and eyes that looked fond. Content. Surely, he was imagining it. Steve couldn’t look like that whilst talking to him. He was nothing but a damn mess, sprawled across the floor, getting trampled on by himself. There was no one else to do it.

Clearing his throat, he replied, “I- I think I was just too busy.” Addressing the pending statement, and his face scrunched in feigned confusion, as though he was trying to decipher why he didn’t care much for art. Steve’s face shifted in understanding.

“Yeah Buck, you were always working or going out, didn’t really have a lot of time back then.” His eyes casted to the floor, a common sign of nostalgia before they illuminated determinedly and looked at him once more. “But you’ve got all the time in the world now. No more labour.”

He nodded, eyes boring onto the laptop screen as his photos transferred. All he could do was wait.

“So, photography?” Steve asked hopefully, carefully trying to pry an answer out of him. Bucky stiffened at his words. He slowly shook his head. Steve sighed but nodded. They weren’t going to discuss this.

Conveniently, Falcon finished eavesdropping from aside and wandered over to them, plates stacked with food. He put Bucky’s on the table, and he nodded his thanks, eyes never staying from the screen, and Steve mumbled his. It was tense before another discussion arose.

“Say, Barnes?”

Bucky acknowledged him.

“When I asked for your number, it wasn’t for you to ignore me through technology too,” Falcon said pointedly, Bucky frowned. What had he done? Rolling his eyes, Falcon continued, “I texted you a million times, rang you a trillion. Did you even check your phone?”

His face dawned in understanding, he never really bothered with it when he was out. Shrugging his said, “what do you need?”

“I managed to find everything- love your kitchen, by the way- but it did take some precious time. So, next time, help a guy out.” Falcon’s voice was light, not stern and demanding like many superior people, so Bucky was slightly relieved his was joking. He couldn’t have Steve’s best friend hate him, even if he didn’t care for the guy.

“Okay,” he said unhelpfully, taking a bite, and Falcon let it drop. He conversed with Steve instead, who was more than complying.

He finished his dinner in peace. By the time they were all tired, it was Falcon who retreated first, yawning exaggeratedly (did he honestly believe Bucky wouldn’t realise?) and claiming he was dead on his feet. Staring at the time, it was only 10pm, but he didn’t say anything and watched the TV with fake interest.

Steve promised to join him soon, explained that he wasn’t tired so didn’t want to disturb him, and then there was just two left downstairs. Steve and Bucky, the tainted duo of the past. Surprisingly, Steve managed to stay quiet for a total of five minutes before he started talking and started a conversation.

On the screen was a show that Falcon liked a lot, something called Prison Break that had Bucky puzzled for most of it. He didn’t understand anything that was happening, failed to see the bigger storyline, but with the name Prison Break, he figured they were planning to break out of prison. Similarly, Steve looked confused too. He couldn’t help smiling at the blatant confusion.

However, now, the show was just running to extinguish any silence, and nobody was paying it much attention. Clearing his throat in warning, Buck sighed, and welcomed the imminent talk.

“I don’t remember shows on TV being so confusing,” he admitted, glancing at Bucky.

He snorted. “That’s cause they weren’t.”

“No sound either, they were a nightmare compared to this.”

It was true, he knew that they were silent, small, and grainy, mostly previewing movies. Shows weren’t common then, even for the richest of the richest, because they just weren’t that advanced. Most entertainments came from the pictures or live shows in bars and jazz houses.

Reminiscent of time he hadn’t even remembered before a few months ago, he replied, “they weren’t that bad.”

That was all it took for Steve to physically shift and face him. With an incredulous face, he asked, “you sure your remembering that right? They were terrible. Stopped working a lot of the time, only had one channel, picture was all broken.”

“And no sound,” Bucky added, just for the hell of it.

“And no sound,” Steve agreed. “But I guess it didn’t bother you much because you preferred going out anyway. Never cared about it, even though they were a huge break-through in technology.”

“It was alright.” He shrugged his shoulders indifferently. “I guess I liked flying cars more.”

Steve laughed at that, head shaking side to side. “The future disappointing then?”

“Not too shabby,” Bucky confessed, cracking his fingers because suddenly the TV wasn’t loud enough.

Yeah, maybe he would have liked it better if he hadn’t survived the fall, the mountains engulfed him and didn’t spit him back out. It would’ve saved him all the torture and death and hurt, but he couldn’t concentrate on that. Not when now, there was such much around. So much potential. All things considered, the future wasn’t too bad. Problematic, but wasn’t all of time?

“Yeah,” Steve said in a low voice, “not too shabby. But, I have a couple of complaints.”

“And they are?”

Face suddenly sombre, Steve stage whispered, “they don’t know how to dress, but don’t tell them I said that. They all think I dress like a grandpa.”

Without permission, a fond smile emerged on his face, and Bucky stated, “you’ve always dressed like a grandpa.”

“Not you too Buck,” Steve groaned, betrayal clear.

“I say it how I see it pal,” Bucky replied.

“You’re the worst,” Steve said with a smile, but his heart stuttered for a second. It was a joke. Just an innocent joke Barnes, don’t ruin what has yet to start.

“Uh, I think it’s a future thing.”

Sated smiling undeterred, Steve countered, “nah, it’s definitely a Bucky thing. But hey, I’m still a stubborn ass so I guess some things don’t change.”

“Well one thing has: you can finally admit it.”

“I always knew I was.”

Bucky didn’t respond, conveying his pointedness. Steve audibly rolled his eyes.

“Alright I get it, I get it. Don’t judge me from all the way over there.”

Bucky shrugged indifferently. “I’m not in a place to be judging anyone.”

A pain expression contorted Steve’s face, and he started, “Bucky-”

But Bucky shook his head, cutting him off. He didn’t need Steve to counter that or reinforce it. He just had to send the message across, a peace offering of some sort. He wasn’t the sort that would spill. Hydra guaranteed it.

Sighing, Steve nodded, possibly accepting it. Thankfully he didn’t push, allowed Bucky’s statement to end their conversation, and unwilling to boil in the stifling atmosphere Bucky stood up and silently left the room, walking out of the cabin and into the night’s sky.

Snow oozed from above, light and weak sparkling in its descent, and he took up refuge in the swinging chair. Cocooning himself using the blankets, he vaguely registered Steve’s gaze before it disappeared, and he spent another night watching the climate prevail as he did not.

Eventually, he’d have to sleep,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that was an interesting reunion. I wonder what's to come. i'll just give u a quick hint: lots of angst and lots of fluff. 
> 
> you're welcome :D
> 
> but do leave a comment telling me what you thought of their first meeting, i'm curious to know how you pictured it!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the calm before the storm...that's what I describe this as. you're going to start learning a lot more about Bucky now and the tags will start to apply a lot more. if you are sensitive then please start reading the warnings, I will do my best to comment on everything I think needs a warning? if I miss something, then do let me know!
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: never ever ever wander up to a wild animal- ignore Bucky he's an idiot!!!  
> also, Bucky's nightmare is written up (for the first time I know) in vivid detail. it contains human experimentation so please beware.  
> description of what might be considered a panic attack and vomiting!

The next day was Falcons last, he had to leave as Steve promised. In the morning, Bucky was sipping his coffee, breakfast in mid-preparation, and his hair was tied in a makeshift bun preventing the wet locks from gluing to his face. Following the scent, Falcon sauntered up to Bucky and there was a large grin on his face.

“This is my last day here Barnes, you going to show me these woods or not?”

So, Bucky did.

He made Falcon wear his large coat, just in case (he couldn’t remember the cold before the serum) and Steve his jacket. Making a face at his trench coat, he sighed and shrugged it on, looking at how it fell near his knees. Leaving the buttons undone for movement, he redid his bun, giving his only salvageable beanie to Falcon and Steve would be okay.

Packing food for them all, he made plenty of hot cocoa and took spare cups, before throwing on his rucksack. Steve openly stared at him, eyes wide in an emotion Bucky couldn’t distinguish, but he quickly averted his eyes when he was caught. Bucky let it slide.

“I must admit, that is a nice ass coat, where’d you get it from Bucky?” Falcon asked, using his name for the first time during his visit. It was unnerving.

“Town.”

“Who knew you had better taste than grandpa over here.”

Rolling his eyes, Steve commented, “there’s nothing wrong with my clothes.”

“Sure Steve, sure. Do me a favour Bucky, dress him while I’m gone? God knows he’ll need the help.”

Why did Falcon say it with such ease? Did he trust Bucky? Trust him enough to know that he’d never hurt Steve again? It was kind, it was hopeful, and it was reckless. Bucky couldn’t even trust himself. Nor should anyone else. He was not the same man before the fall. Or perhaps, Azzano?

“I don’t even have that many clothes with me.”

“He’ll take you shopping,” Sam stated simply, as though it was the weather he was commenting on.

Gulping, Bucky intervened, saying, “let’s get going, you want to be back before it’s too late. You want to see anything specifically?”

“You lead the way, I don’t know what I want.”

Muttering “typical,” under his breath, Steve smiled innocently at Sam’s glare, and they followed Bucky who started trudging through the fresh snow, the soft crunch under his foot muted their exhales.

Sam and Steve continued their bickering as they did, dwelling further into the trees, before Bucky saw something. In the corner of his eye, he saw a flicker movement and he paused in his tracks. Face suspicious, he ignored Steve’s cautious, “what’s wrong Buck?” endeavouring closer to his left.

The was more movement and suddenly, Bucky saw a large, brown cat. Eyes widening, he stopped, the smile on his lips developing involuntarily. A mountain lion. A mountain lion eating an elk. This was the third time he’d ever seen one and he felt like a child on Christmas.

Looking at Steve and Sam, he pressed a finger against his lips, whispering, “shh,” and slowly took of his coat, not wanting to ruin it. He placed it against a tree and shivered in the cold but didn’t stop. At least the area where metal met skin was covered. Collecting his camera from his rucksack, he turned it on, and then glanced the confused men behind him.

“A mountain lion. Down there, feeding on some elk. I think it’s a female, she’s small, but I’m not sure. Wanna see?”

Steve looked at him incredulously before hissing, “Bucky it could kill you, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m siding with Cap on that one, you don’t mess with wild animals,” Sam said, eyes unwavering from the lion.

Rolling his eyes, Bucky stated, “as long as you don’t provoke her and maintain distance, she won’t do anything. They’re solitary animals, they don’t like contact with anyone, not even their own species.”

Unconvinced, Steve asked, “you researched them?”

“I had to. I’m living in their home,” he replied, shrugging, and holding the camera tightly.

“Fine, I’ll come with, but-”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, Steve. I can handle myself. I just figured you might want to see her up close.”

“I want to,” Sam said, stepping up. “But I don’t want to die. So, let’s make a plan?”

Sighing, Bucky nodded, and glanced at the female devouring the elk, before moving closer to his guests. “Okay. We move slowly and quietly, I don’t want to spook her. She might not finish her food and we can’t risk something else eating it, winter lasts longer here and most animals feed per chance. So, follow me, we’ll take this passage-” he gestured to the half formed one, “and we’ll stop about 20 feet away. That way we’ll have a clearer view, but we won’t be in her way. That okay?”

Sam nodded. “Lead the way. I’ll stay behind you two, you know, lack of serum makes me the most vulnerable. You have to protect me.”

“Chances of you drowning in your own bathtub are higher Wilson,” Bucky consoled, and started silently walking.

They were silent, perfect in stealth and the lion didn’t notice them approach, thankfully. Bucky knew he wasn’t supposed to approach the animals, all the websites said so, but he never did like following rules. Not now when he didn’t have to. Plus, he was an ex-assassin, a weapon, with two Avengers as companions.

If things went south, they could abscond without hurting themselves or the animal. So, they’d be fine. Bucky trusted their skill.

They were close to her now, her unaware that they were there, or maybe she didn’t care. He was leaning to the latter. Eyes mesmerised, he couldn’t tear his gaze and just stared at her, captivated by the majestic lion. There were a few spots decorating her fur, meaning she just recently left her mother, possibly an adolescent.

Holding his breath, he turned to Steve and Sam behind him whose expression mirrored his and gestured them to stay. They seem puzzled, and Steve opened his mouth to object but his sharp gaze shifted to the animal, reminding him to stay quiet. Bucky was quick on his feet. Camera in one hand, he looked at her, trying to find the best angle and decided up.

If he was slightly elevated the white sky would illuminate her spots and her eyes. But just to stay on the safe side, he had to take some on ground level. Which is why he slowly advanced, still concealed by a light bush, and ignored a huff of protest from Steve when he raised his camera to aim. Changing the depth of field, he focused primarily on her where she was prone beside her prey and captured the scene.

Exposing himself more in the clearing, he was gentle not to disturb her or the tranquil vicinity and managed to take a picture of her head to the side, gazing absent-mindedly at the snow, hazel eyes large and relaxed. There was blood smeared around her mouth, a reminder that she had just ate, and Bucky liked it. Her efforts were rewarded, and she deserved to relax before hiding the remaining elk to eat for later.

Snapping a few more shots, he was closer than necessary and his calm breathing wavered just slightly. Undetectable to anyone but him, he reminded himself of his capabilities, and formulated a quick plan.

There was a low branch that he could easily jump onto and take the picture, but when he would, he’d only have a 7 second window to take it before she’d run or in the least likely scenario, attack. He’d have to be quick. Inhaling a large breath, he looked at her, mentally apologising for the imminent disturbance, and jumped.

The branch rattled underneath him, and instantly she sprang to her 4 paws looking up at him, eyes wide and alert to track him. Without thinking, he snapped the picture, praying that it would turn out how he imagined it and she sprinted into the bushes, the only memory of her being there was the shuffling leaves and dead elk.

Hopping off his post, he landed swiftly on his feet and he gazed at where she had just escaped from. A shiver ran up his spine, tugging him back to reality and he shook his head, bringing up the picture on his camera, praying desperately it was how he imagined it. It was.

Standing defensively, her wide eyes were staring at Bucky, thus the camera, curiosity evident in her iris and everything seemed lighter. The snow was richer, the blood less pigmented, and the bushes behind her more delicate. She looked childlike and innocent, warming his heart, and he smiled at the picture. Smiled at her. She was a beautiful animal, golden fur vibrant against the white background.

“Bucky, what the hell?” Steve asked, glaring as he came into vision. The smile dropped immediately.

“What?” he asked defensively.

“What the hell was that?”

“I wanted to take a picture, so I did.”

“You almost got yourself killed!” Steve said unnecessarily, as though Bucky was stupid enough to let that happen. (He was).

“I know these woods, I wasn’t harming anyone,” Bucky stated coldly, hiding the camera from view. “I just wanted to take some pictures, so I did.”

“Bucky,” Steve groaned, “take the damn pictures if you want to, but don’t act so reckless while you do it. I don’t want-”

“What Steve here is trying to say,” Sam interjected with a glare aimed at Steve, “being a little more careful never hurt anyone. It’s like you super-soldiers are immune to it.”

“I was,” Bucky pointed out, but sighed, shaking his head and ending the conversation. “Never mind. Let’s go.”

This time Sam and Steve lingered behind him at a distance, probably so Bucky wouldn’t overhear anything, but it did seem like a serious conversation, so Bucky left them. Recaptured his coat, took pictures, ignoring them as he did, before he reached the perfect place to rest and eat their lunch.

Steve seemed sad, upset maybe even though Bucky couldn’t see any injuries littering his body. It was possible his conversation with Sam was the reason, but Bucky didn’t pry and moved out of the way, revealing the exposure. Their discussion halted immediately, and they took in the sight in front of them.

Bucky had been there before, quite a few times actually and usually basked in the silence watching as the sky transformed as the hours progressed. But Steve and Sam, they hadn’t. Which is why Bucky could understand why they looked like their breath had been knocked right out of them, and their lungs were frozen, mouth ajar. It was simply breath taking.

There were trees everywhere, just a mass of nature soaring to the sky, and far behind was a different set of mountains so far that it would take hours to walk to. Steve was at the very edge of the cliff. Without thinking Bucky pulled him back, startling a gasp out of the other.

“Cliffs are unstable, don’t stand too close. You might fall,” he clarified, almost breathlessly.

Steve nodded, intoxicated by the scenery and Bucky gave them a moment of silence so that they could admire it. Appreciate it. It was worth all of that and so much more. Nature was truly spectacular.

Sitting down on the stone, his spread his legs to stretch and obtained the food out of the container. They were simple sandwiches, three each if they wanted and hot chocolate as the beverage. He started eating, choosing not to wait for the them.

Sam was the first to return, sitting nearby, starstruck, and simply took the proffered sandwich. “How did you manage to score this?”

Remembering Jake and his persistent searching, he stated, “you just need to find the right man for the job,” and took a bite of his food, a fond smile emerging on his face.

Sam nodded, looking at him with a confused expression and proceeded to devour his food. Steve still hadn’t come to them by the time they had both ate and drank the hot chocolate. (Sam loved it almost as much as him. But it was missing some precious ingredients.)

It was when Sam wondered to take pictures on his phone that Steve sat close to Bucky, amazed. He stiffened but didn’t move away. Steve soundlessly accepted the snack and ate it, staring at the landscape. Similarly, he didn’t look at the drink and just gulped it down. What got to him, was when Bucky placed a book in his hand and a pen. That jolted him out of the daydream and finally made him acknowledge Bucky.

“I thought you might want to.” He gestured to the front of them. “So, I brought it with us.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” Steve said thickly, swiping a tongue over his lips, wetting them. “I just. I want to say sorry, about before. You don’t need me to baby your or, judge you for your actions and choices. I guess I just overreacted.”

“Hey,” Bucky said in a low voice, “you wouldn’t be Steve Rogers if you didn’t. So, it’s alright. Just, try not to do it again.”

Smiling self-depreciatively, Steve nodded. “I won’t. I’ll control myself.” Looking at him briefly, Steve didn’t wait for a reply before he got up and addressed the scenery, opening a page and starting his scrawls.

Even though there was plenty for Sam to see, tonnes of wildlife and scenery for him to witness, they stayed in that place until the sun started its descent. Bucky watched the colours transition, Steve drew, and Sam wandered around the area, clicking pictures of almost everything. It was peaceful. Calm. Not how Bucky had expected it to be.

But, with the suns glow dimming Bucky had to round them soon and he apologised, saying, “we have to set off now. It’s getting late.”

They both nodded in understanding standing close to him and Steve asked, “can we come back? I want to finish-” his eyes darted to Bucky’s rucksack. Nodding, he ensured that he’d bring Steve back, as many times as he wanted to if it meant he’d be content in his company, because he was so, so selfish.

That night Sam left in high spirits.

Hugging Steve tightly, he whispered something undetectable into his ears, and Bucky looked away not wanting to intrude in the special moment. Sam offered him a handshake because they weren’t friendly yet, they were acquaintances at most and he stared at it until the arm shuddered to Sam’s side. Widow sent a car for Sam, and he saluted one last time before leaving.

Then, it was just him and Steve. Suddenly, he felt a whole lot more worried than he had been a few hours ago.

Sam was gone, Steve was in his bedroom, and he was desperately tired. The weariness in his bones was long stretched, covering his entire skeleton, weighing him down in exhaustion but he didn't want to sleep. Couldn't. If he did, who knew what could happen.

A possible episode- nightmare, confessions too ghastly to even conceive and all of these were the outcomes of slumber. He couldn't indulge. Not when Steve was just a few steps away, sleeping peacefully (he hoped) in his bed. Perhaps he should wait. But for wait? Refuge? The cabin was supposed to be it.

There was no privacy inside the walls of the cabin, everything was laid bare and exposed. He could track movement and assess from any corner. That was one reason he liked it. Why he chose the place, unaware that months into the future there would be a figure of his past- life before Hydra, crashing in his room.

However, he couldn't deny the pull of sleep any longer. He wasn't in constant alertness, there was no mission to focus on. He could easily lie to himself that there was a mission, to stay awake and ensure Steve Rogers safety. But deep down he knew that it lacked conviction. There were no orders, no commands, or instructions. An asset couldn't dictate itself. So, how could he demand he stay awake for a non-existent mission?

That's why gazing at the starlight peaking the mountains he lulled himself to sleep, oscillating gently, huddled into the blanket for warmth, lantern illuminated above him. He felt safe, protected, and that was his foolish mistake. He should never have felt as such because if he hadn't then he wouldn't have fallen asleep.

Nevertheless, he did, and inevitably his eyes descended in a final blink, not opening again until they were startled by horrors that roamed his mind. He couldn't remember what he dreamt about, jolting awake, panting feverishly, he couldn't recall a single instant of what he had dreamt.

But he did remember something, because the nightmares often did prompt memories, and it was strapped to Zola's table in Azzano, terrified as he listened to the scientists plans and ambitions.

_"I will never understand why test subjects must bleed so much. A little cut and they bleed a waterfall."_

_Bucky watched as he tinkered around the room, collecting the supplies and equipment, halting every few minutes to glare at the blotches of blood on his coat. It was bothering him a lot._

_"Instead of complaining, why don't you change your clothes? I don’t have anywhere else to be," Bucky tried to say nonchalantly, resisting the tremor fighting its way into his voice and hoped that Zola would listen. Give him a few more minutes of peace._

_Well, as much peace as he was able to get._

_Stopping, Zola turned to him and smiled brightly. "Under any other circumstances I might have Mr Barnes, but you, are a very special case. I have been looking forward for this moment all day, delaying it would only agitate me more."_

_Bucky swallowed a gulp._

_"I'm glad to hear you though, I must say. Did the guards feed you as I requested? I don't want you to die on the operating table. Yesterday's success could not have been prepping me for failure."_

_Guards had in fact fed Bucky. Shoved large bites into his mouths, using their hands to contract his jaw, making him chew, and then leaking a tsunami of water into his mouth. It was heinous._

_"After all, like I said, you're my favourite candidate. Don't tell the others though, they may not like the good news as much as you."_

_Bucky didn't have anyone to tell._

_"Anyway, let's not waste time talking, I have plenty of things to do today. If all works out well, then by next Saturday, Schmidt and I will administer you with the serum."_

_Bucky wished he'd manage to escape by then._

_However, as declared, Zola did have plenty of things to do, starting with most the important and vast. Sticking a needle into Bucky's body, he hooked it up to a white liquid which very slowly began to daze him. Make him lose all sense._

_Zola cut open his stomach, deep enough to pass fat yet careful not to scrape any of his organs. Bucky felt the action occur, his skin come undone and air rest uncomfortably upon it. He felt exposed. Raw. Vulnerable._

_But the drug being pumped into him numbed the whole experience. Reduced it to just feel. Pain did not come in abundance as he expected it to, it was muted yet swollen. So, he knew it was there. Acknowledged its presence, even if it couldn't do anything._

_He knew, the minute his system cleared the drug- if he survived long enough- then the pain would be pernicious and lethal. He was dreading it._

_"Yes, perfect shape. This is wunderbar. Wunderbar, Mr Barnes!" Zola said gleefully. "These organs are healthy. Well, as healthy as your current situation allows them to be. They're beautiful. Would work perfectly with the serum."_

_Humming under his breath, glasses perched near the tip of his nose and eyes intent, Zola looked around some more, divulging, "so far a lot of the test subjects have died I'm afraid. Their bodies failed them."_

_Tossing a wink too fast for Bucky's hazy eyes to understand, he continued, "I suppose it could be because of no anaesthesia, or maybe I punctured a liver. Sometimes the restraints broke and they fell, losing blood. It's unfortunate but I guess, this is God's way of giving His command."_

_Bucky's head fell to the side and his mouth was open in gape as everything including the oddly horrifying sensation in his stomach, was causing him distress. He whined, lowly, and his eyes rolled in the sockets._

_"Everything is okay Sergeant, don't worry. I assure you, you're in perfectly safe hands. Soon, we will begin the process to prepare you to meet Captain America. Everything will be okay," Zola soothed maliciously._

He was hyperventilating because his memories of Zola, that time Hydra captured his entire unit was spotty at most and the fragments he had never made sense to him. But now, he knew. Since the beginning of his suffering, it had been for one thing: for him to kill Steve.

And once he had that epiphany, the rest of the memories ambushed his weakening mind like a tsunami, drowning him, refusing to let him breathe. Why was the air so scarce outside?

_"I rather liked Hamish, never screamed or cried. Big too, perfect muscles. But, Mr Barnes, for you, I slashed his wrists, deep enough to cut his veins and let him bleed out. You're my favourite."_

_"Today, we said our goodbyes to Lionel. Poor child; he screamed too much. I couldn’t prevent myself from break his skull. Once I started, I couldn't stop. But, I suppose it's good news for us Sergeant. Chances of you being chosen are pretty high."_

_"Little Daniel. Couldn't handle the pain, made me kill him. Ask for mercy and you shall receive. Except you James. I'm keeping you around."_

It was twisted and sick, rippling Bucky's stomach into fragments of disgust and grief, as they- his men had died. Soldiers promised protection under him were murdered. Eventually, the words began to blur.

Zola had killed his men. For him to survive, many died.

He wasn't human after all. No, no, he was a monster. Gasping for breath on the swinging chair, cold air weaved around his body, squeezing him with ice as little clouds of air formed with each frenetic exhalation. Why couldn't he breathe?

He was a machine long before the fall into the mountains, how did he not remember this?

Stumbling onto his feet, his mind pounced against his skull, demanding to be released. To let all of the caged and supressed memories free, allow them to flee from captivity. He pushed open the door to the cabin, shivering even though he knew, deep down inside he knew it was warm inside, and entered, door slamming shut behind him so loud. He jumped, covering his ears.

Panting, he staggered all the way to the kitchen, trying to formulate one of the herbal remedies for migraines that Huda had bestowed, but his hands were quivering and the mug fell from his hand, banging against the wooden floor and Bucky cursed loudly, heart pulsating rapidly against his rib cage.

Breaths shrivelling in his throat, he fell to his knees gasping for unreachable oxygen and stared at the darkness as he felt his soul wither within its host. Scorching, his lungs begged for something real, for fresh air, not the artificial one he was currently providing but he couldn’t, and everything was too loud, to big, too overwhelming.

Something rose up his throat and he lurched forward, spilling bile all over the floor unable to stop himself from doing so. Whatever was lodged in his throat, it removed, and finally, finally he could get some air into him. But it didn't last long because then again, he was leaning forward and painting the floor with his puke. It smelt disgusting, probably looked even worse, and Bucky was done with it all.

Slumping back, the cupboard supported his entire body, and tears strolled down his cheek as he breathed deep and fast. If it wasn't for his hypersensitivity, he probably wouldn't have heard it. But he did, how could he not? That voice was the only thing might be able to ground him.

"Buck…"

He winced, unable to help the flinch and it resonated in his mind, bumping against the swollen sectors, irritating the fragile walls. It hurt, God it hurt so bad.

"Jesus Christ, Bucky..." Steve was approaching him- no, he couldn't. Not when his arms were tingling, vibrating with unused energy and mission. His mission. Did he remember it? Did he want to harm Steve?

No, no he didn't. Never again. As long as he could prevent his body from hurting anyone, he would ensure that Steve was safe from his detrimental fingertips. But, right now, he needed him to stay away. Stay back.

Groaning, he voiced as such much to Steve's displeasure as he questioned incredulously, "what? Buck, no, please let me-"

"Go," Bucky pleaded, not wanting to waste any more time, he could clean and then pass out on the couch. But not whilst Steve was still present. It was too dangerous.

"But Bucky-"

"Go!" Bucky shouted, and his mind roared with how painful it was, eye lids clashing together trying to diminish some of the hurt. It was pointless, the agony wasn’t going anywhere.

“No,” Steve stated, voice hardening and staying firmly in his place. “I’m not leaving you like this Bucky. Jesus Christ, what happened, just let me-”

“If you don’t leave right now Steve,” Bucky started, words unrecognisable. “I will leave this place and never come back.”

The thing was he would. If Steve refused to compromise then he’d have no choice but to flee and leave the life he had made behind, they couldn’t survive together if the other wasn’t understanding. Bucky needed something to save him from further humiliation.

He had done this countless times, every time he had nightmare this was the outcome but it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. When he absconded the brainwashing tethering him to Hydra he had puked and cried and suffered withdrawals that scared him till date. Like all those times he needed to be alone, deal with it alone, and recover alone. A person overlooking him was embarrassing, even if that person was Steve.

When the stitches came undone and he broke, he needed time alone to rebuild from the remaining foundation.

“But-”

“I won’t ask again,” he vowed. If Steve didn’t leave him be, he’d take the necessary measures and flee. Call him a coward, he didn’t care. He was cautious and hollow.

Quietly, Steve said, "I'm going, I'm going. But please Bucky, just let me help you. Please."

He didn't reply, panting urgently again, and Steve took his silence for the right answer and backed away. Bucky didn't hear anything, so he assumed that it was safe to consider that Steve was gone. He was safe in his room.

Cleaning his vomit was never fun, especially not when it was accompanied with a debilitating migraine and he was recovering from a horrific nightmare. But he had to do it, how he had all the times before and the times that were yet to come. He knew that in the morning he was as good as dead, everything would have to be done now.

Struggling to get to his wobbly knees, he used the counter as leverage and leaned on it completely, dousing his weight onto it and began to assemble the cleaning products that would help him clean. It took him longer than usual, images of Azzano and Zola and feelings such as fear and sadness weakening him but he let it slide. There was a task he needed to complete.

The actual cleaning took him almost thirty minutes, and when he was done he thought his head would going to implode, scatter his brain as paint on a canvas around the room, and it was just seconds before the explosion. Forcing himself to drink a cool glass of water, he didn't wait before hobbling to the sofa, and he fell face first onto it.

The moment his eyes sealed shut, sleep did not come immediately, the pain was too devastating for that. But the longer his eyes were scrunched, the closer sleep came, and soon enough, he was tugged into deep slumber, one that didn't have him waking despite the movement in his home.

It was the rainbow after the storm, a blessing which he was grateful to have. He’d deal with life when he was better equipped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now you've gotten a taste for Bucky when a nightmare hits, I feel for you. it's just gonna get worse my dudes. 
> 
> also: my understanding on migraines and nightmares actually comes from my sister. she suffers from chronic migraines and i'm using past experiences with her as the template for Bucky. so it may not be how you- a loved one or anyone experiences it really, but hers are like this. just thought i'd clear that for you now!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we goootttt fluffffff and first meetings! 
> 
> also, disclaimer: "what makes human may not be uniquely human after all" is a Sir David Attenborough quote. I used it cause its so emotive but it doesn't belong to me of course. give credit where it is due!
> 
> in fact, if you're wondering, the reason why this fic is so heavily focused on animals and nature is because of him. when I started writing this I was re-watching his documentaries and thought; bucky needs animals. we all do, animals are incredible and nature is life. so when I saw the BP post creds and IW scene where bucky's surrounded by these things I got super happy. I just knew that's what he needs (lol sure jan)
> 
> WARNING: don't follow Bucky and invade animal territory, don't eat there especially like damn, this guy is a dumbass.

The first time his eyes opened, blinking blearily, he registered that it was day; the curtains were still closed, and the TV was off. He was stripped, clothes less constrictive than the ones he had fallen asleep in, and there were three blankets atop of him. Despite that, he shivered.

His face ached, everything was sore and heavy, and he just wanted something to extinguish the blossoming pain in his head. He just wanted it over with.

Steve was nowhere in sight thankfully, so he breathed in relief and closed his tired eyes again. Clenching his teeth considerably, he forced his arms to lift his body up, and he decided he was going to make himself the herbal remedy. Drink that, go to the toilet, and then go back to sleep.

But the mere shifts in muscle aggravated him and he couldn't move just yet, he had to recover first. Then he'd get up and make something to eat. Sighing, he counted his breaths as he waited for the exhaustion to pass, but before he could truly register it, he was asleep again and this time for a few hours.

Waking up a second time, Steve was the first thing he saw, face contorted in openly displayed worry. Bucky shied away from it, slamming his eyes shut.

"Lights," he croaked, and Steve was fast on his feet, turning them off.

From his hooded eyelid, he saw the shift in darkness and sighed in relief, heart rate starting to decrease. The pounding was dull, needing time to fully re-emerge after the sleep. Bucky would say he had ten minutes before it returned in full swing.

With no time to waste, he forced himself to swing his legs over the edge of the couch, shivering as the cold air nipped his skin, and his teeth chartered loudly. He was a wreck.

"Buck- what are you- here let me help, what do you need?" Steve said anxiously, hand resting on his shoulder just as a graze, uncertainty apparent.

Bucky shook his head. "I'm fine." His voice was raspy and deep, he sounded awful. "Don't worry."

Counting to three, he heaved his body onto his delicate legs and black dots masked his vision, making him sway. Steve grabbed onto him before he fell (he had many times before) and didn't let go until his vision cleared and then pulled his arm away. Toilet first, then drink.

"Bucky-" Steve stated helplessly, "please, what do you need?"

"Nothing Steve, I'll be fine. Give me a couple of days." His voice was too low to even be considered as a whisper.

"But I-"

He shook his head gently and slowly plodded to the stairs, walking up them aiming for the toilet. It took him longer than necessary and he could feel Steve hovering, shadowing his every step, but he ignored him. By the time he was done and back in the kitchen, his migraine was in full swing.

Leaning against the kitchen counter, he cradled his head in his hands, not squeezing or touching, just resting so he could feel it and wasted a further twenty minutes assembling the ingredients. All the while Steve offered to help, to make him soup or tea, but Bucky declined quietly every time.

He made the drink, putting it in the biggest mug he could currently get his hands on, and retreated to his bed sipping as much as he could until he was too tired to drink anymore. 

Steve was knelt beside him, and in a quiet, soft voice he asked, "can I touch you?"

Bucky grabbed his hand from the side of the couch where they were holding onto the material and put it gently against his head, mindful not to hurt himself in the process. Surprisingly, Steve's hand was cold and large enough to conceal his entire head. Body scorching, Bucky snuggled into it and fell sleep immediately, the hand doing nothing but resting.

He slept and slept and slept.

When he awoke, groaning, he tumbled to the bathroom because he had to go, and by the time he was back down there was a freshly brewed drink waiting for him (how did he- optimal memory) with Steve was at the foot of the couch, face expectant and hopeful. Bucky tried to muster a smile, but too much movement strained his muscles and he couldn't. Instead, he offered a slow, thankful nod and drank most of the tea.

It was quiet, and he wasn't too tired that he'd pass out. Eyes closing, he said, "Steve?"

There was some rustling and Steve was immediately in front of him, eyes probably scrunched in concern. "Yeah Buck, you need anything?"

"Go to sleep. I'll be fine," Bucky said, hoarse.

"I would if I could," Steve replied honestly, and then, cautiously he asked again, "can I- can I touch you?"

Humming quietly, Bucky reached out for the palm, and Steve placed his hand gently into Bucky's grip, letting him place it where it felt the best. The silence stretching out, Bucky wondered how much he'd regret it when he felt less than death, allowing Steve to be so close and touch him. But, with the grounding weight reminding him that he was safe and okay, he figured he'd deal with it when it arrived.

Now, he'd rest.

The third day of the migraine passed, and eventually the throbbing eased, his mind cleared, and his breaths were no longer painful gasps. With the mist alleviating, he could finally think, was no longer an incoherent mess of mumbles and passing thoughts. That came at a price.

One of the first recollections were of Zola- Azzano and the harrowing recounts the nightmare revealed. The fourth day, when he was up and on his feet, could tolerate the light and was desperately in need of a shower, he was silent.

Steve padded around the kitchen, the TV still off but at least the curtains were drawn open, allowing some of the skies gaze to light the room. Sat upright, Bucky staring blankly at the table, he wondered just how bad he had been, what he had said and if he had ruined things to unamendable extremes.

A plate full of food was presented on the table, simple eggs, and toast, with tea because apparently Steve was feeling generous. Examining it, he didn't look at Steve when he reminded him, "you didn't have to, you know?"

Another plate joined the table, topped with food, and a body sat near him. "I know. I just wanted to."

Bucky nodded. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

After showering and washing the mess he had made, he checked his phone, preparing for the messages that were no doubt enraged in his app. There were quite a few.

Huda and James had been texting him the day before Sam had left, asking him how he was, where he was, would he join them in the diner etc. It had been almost a week since he had last spoke to them, longer seeing them. Frowning at that screen, he replied.

 **Bucky** : migraine had me bed ridden

The reply from Huda was instantaneous:

 **Huda** : Tonight, 7pm, meet us at the diner. We're discussing these disappearances Barnes.

He spared Steve a quick glance, who was loitering on the couch watching a TV show Bucky had never seen or heard of. He seemed interested enough, which meant there were some good elements in it, but it was obvious his whole attention was not on the characters. 

 **Bucky** : maybe next time

He sat beside his old friend. Placing the phone on the table, there was a fair amount of distance between them that Bucky enforced, and Steve didn't glance at him once. But he knew, he could see that all the previous interest was lost. He was no longer attentive to the show, rather, he was focused on Bucky.

"Does that happen a lot?" Steve questioned, and Bucky supressed the sigh.

Shrugging his shoulders, he confessed, "more or less, yeah."

Steve hummed in assent. "Is it usually that bad?"

"No, throwing up is reserved for special cases."

"And the migraines?"

Bucky chuckled cynically. "They fried my brain, I think that's granted."

"Oh," Steve said dumbly, possibly deterred by Bucky's callousness, but he didn't let it stop him completely. He continued his interrogation. "Will you tell me what happened?"

The characters on the screen repelled from each other, arguing over some dumb decision one of them made. Bucky's eyes never strayed from them. Steve's eyes bored into him.

"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to Steve." His voice was cold, emotionless in way he always was regarding the painful process. It didn't hinder Steve.

"But I do Bucky. I just…want to help. You were screaming and then the panic attack, the vomiting, and the way you just…did everything yourself. I felt so goddamn useless."

"I've had a lot of practice," he said stiffly, hating the fact someone had witnessed it all.

Why did he have to be so loud? His phone beeped with an incoming text alert. Both of their heads turned to see it, silent questions arose.

"I've know." Steve sighed. "I just. I don't know. Sorry, ignore me. I'm just- I don't know."

Bucky's heart clenched because Steve sounded so desolate, his insecurities poured out him and laid bare on the table like a map, guiding Bucky around his present. It was awful.

"No, Steve. It's just, it's always been like this and, I don't want to rely on anyone. I can get by on my own."

"Yeah, but you don't have to," Steve said, and the words felt reminiscent, familiar.

"I do. There ain't anyone in their right mind who can deal with me." His eyes looked at Steve, and then at his phone.

He was too unstable to dump his burdens and issues on anyone else. He'd make do as he always had, and perhaps in the future there were no problems awaiting him. But for now, he just had to live with who he was.

"Sure there is Bucky. There always will be. I- I want to. Sometimes, we're all the other has, remember?"

He huffed a laugh, shaking his head. "You've got the Avengers, don't discredit them so soon. They're good where it counts."

"I know but-"

Bucky phone sprung to life, Huda's name flashing on the screen. Steve stopped talking before he could finish and moved back as though he was cutting the conversation. It felt incomplete and wrong. Before the call ended, he answered it.

"Hello?"

"Bucky. 7pm. You have to come," Huda demanded, but her voice was considerably low and tone gentle. Bucky felt awful for having to decline.

"I'm sorry Huda, but I can't."

"Why is that?"

"Uh, I have someone over." Steve turned to look at him, but he didn't acknowledge it.

"So? Bring them with you," she stated simply, as though it was that easy. He frowned.

"But, I don't want to impose-"

"Bucky," she intervened, tone soft and considerate, she seemed understanding. "Me and Jake really don't mind. Bring them with you, I'm sure it isn't your parents, which in case maybe you can pass, but if it's your sibling, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend just let them come. We don't mind."

"Wait…" he said, confused. "You don't mind if I'm queer?"

"You can be gay, bi, pan, straight…whoever you are. You're still the same Bucky to us," she told him with conviction, leaving no room for argument. Then, she added on an afterthought, "are you? Because you can totally bring your boyfriend."

Shaking his head, he wet his lips and said, "no, no I was just. Surprised. I guess. But uh, thank you. I'll be sure to be there for seven."

"Good, see you then Barnes! I can't wait."

The phone call ended, and he registered Steve's intense gaze. Returning the look, he asked, “you up to going out tonight?”

“If you want me to, I don’t mind stay in.”

“Do you have any more clothes?” he asked instead, because Steve was coming then and he needed something to wear.

Sheepishly, he shook his head. Bucky supressed a smile, that was a familiar expression. “You’ll have to squeeze into my things until we get you some. That okay or…?”

“No, no, that’s fine,” he said a little too quickly, “I don’t mind.”

Bucky looked at him weirdly and offered, “we can go get you some right now if you want, my clothes are a bit big but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“No, I really don’t mind. Its fine. Nothing new.”

Oh, that explained it, Steve always used to wear his clothes. When he was too skinny that even the smallest size wouldn’t fit him, he’d parade around the flat wearing Bucky’s shirts and proudly rolled up his sleeves, displaying his delicate arms. Bucky used to love seeing Steve in his clothes, something possessive inside of him thrived off it. But now that side was dormant and he would not allow it to erupt. Steve did not want nor deserve it.

“If you’re sure…”

“I am.” Steve smiled certainly. Bucky sighed. It was going to be a hell of a night.

 

* * * *

 

“Bucky, I’m surprised you decided to show,” Jake greeted, as he and Steve walked up to the two.

The lights were dim, and thankfully, they were seated near that back in corner, it was less loud in comparison to front. Their backs were facing the large rear windows at the entrance, so they couldn’t see behind them, but it was okay. His and Steve’s senses would be enough, even if they weren’t needed. They were mostly safe.

“Roads were bad, I don’t control the weather,” he replied swiftly, sitting in front of Jake as Steve paralleled Huda. It was quiet before someone spoke.

“Hi, I’m Steve,” Steve introduced, smiling in a way Bucky was far too familiar with. It was awkward, a light strain lining his curves, and his eyes were sharp rather than relaxed, no doubt he was trying to interpret the characters of Huda and Jake. Bucky leave him be, he was always like this meeting new people. Somethings the ice could not freeze were these habits.

“I’m Huda, and this is Jake. Nice to meet you, Steve,” Huda replied, smiling in a comforting way, a peace offering. She was all teeth, and so was Jake, and Bucky mustered one too just so they weren’t deterred by Steve. Thankfully, the tension in his shoulders dissolved in way that meant consideration, he was willing and open.

He addressed them all, continuing, "I don't mean to impose."

Jake waved it off, stating, "it's really no problem. At this point, we were desperate to see him at whatever cost."

Bucky gave Jake a pointed look. He ignored it with ease, directing to him, "it's been a week. You spent a week without seeing my gorgeous face. I pitied you."

"I've been busy," Bucky explained, voice lacking any defensiveness and Jake grinned at that, waggling his eyebrows.

"Busy doing what Barnes? Or should I say, who?"

Huda intervened before he could understand what Jake meant. "Uh, ignore him, he's excited to…see Bucky after so long." Lie. What was he insinuating? "Anyway, Steve, how long have you known Bucky? He's failed to mention you since we've been friends."

He rolled his eyes, as Steve hopelessly looked at him. Carefully putting a consoling hand on his arm, Bucky changed the course of the question, answering, "best friends since childhood." He was blatantly relaying the Smithsonian. "I've known Steve all my life."

"And you haven't spoken about him once because…?"

"Because it's clearly a long-distance friendship. It hurts, doesn’t it Bucky?" Jake replied on his behalf, and Bucky nodded, unable to say the truth.

They really didn't know anything about him.

"Out of all of this, the thing that surprises me the most is that you actually agreed to let us meet." Glancing at Steve, she explained, "Bucky is the embodiment of mysterious. We never expected this day to come."

"I'm not that bad Huda," he insisted, and she gave him a flat look. Or maybe he was.

"Yeah, that sounds like Buck," Steve said, smiling. "Never says much to keep people wanting to know more. It's a tried and tested method."

Shaking his head, Bucky said, "I thought you were on my side Steve, what's this?"

"Huda has a compelling case." Steve shrugged, grinning teasingly.

"Back me up Jake?” Bucky prompted, but his friend shook his head.

“You should know better than to go against her, she’s like…the leader. The Captain America of our friendship.”

Had Steve been drinking, Bucky was certain he would have spat out his drink. Instead, he choked on air and covered his mouth, hiding his smile and mumbled a weak, “sorry,” trying to stifle his chuckle. Bucky looked down, a fond smile growing on his lips. He was a dork.

“Uh, shall we order? I’m starving.” Bucky diverted their attention, and they look at him, clearly knowing what he was doing. Because they were great people, they didn’t point it out.

“Sure, so am I. You look awful Bucky; did you eat at all during the week?”

He had lost some weight, not a considerable amount, but his poor diet did mean he was smaller than perhaps he should be. Working out daily meant that he was all muscle, but since Hydra, his big muscles had deteriorated and were now replaced by smaller ones. After seeing old pictures of himself, he decided he looked like that Bucky, just with longer hair. Maybe he should cut it.

“Not really,” he admitted, offering Steve a menu and taking one for himself, they both scanned it, choosing what to order. “It was pretty bad.”

Eyebrows furrowed in worry, Huda asked, “did the remedies work? I can find some more for you. Jake’s cousin is a doctor, you know we could always ask him for help if you let us.”

“Yeah Bucky,” Jake added, sincere and concerned. “It’s no problem. It’s the best option since you won’t go to the doctors here.”

Steve was staring at him, the menu long forgotten, and his gaze was piercing into his side profile, emotions indecipherable. Clearing his throat, Bucky thanked them, “I know, but I don’t need a doctor. I’ll be okay.”

Huda sighed and nodded. “Fine, but I’ll see if I can find anything to stop you having them so often. You always look so ill afterwards, I don’t like it.”

“Yeah, I will too. God knows your too stubborn to accept any professional help,” Jake included.

Putting down the menu, Steve didn’t say anything, but he did look at Bucky in quick, sharp bursts. Jake was watching him, and asked, “did you not know about the migraines Steve?” turning to Bucky, he said, “oh shit, sorry Bucky, I guess we weren’t supposed to talk about this in front of Steve.”

He waved it off, stating, “Steve already knows, he just doesn’t like it. He saw one in full swing this week.”

Huda said, “then, for Steve, why don’t you get them checked? Who knows, they might have some medication that might work for you.”

Shaking his head, he insisted, “I’ll be fine Huda. And I’m ready to order, so let’s forget about it.”

She looked at him unimpressed. “This has been going on for months, yet you still want me to forget about it? Bucky, stop being so stubborn and just let us help. Clearly something isn’t right.”

He knew that, forcing a smile onto his face and shaking his head, his core burned with the truth of why it happened. Electrocuting his brain had permanently damaged it, serum or not some things were irreversible- he was still human. Medication was futile, owning up to the truth was futile, nothing could be done.

“I know Huda, and I’m working on it. I just need time s’all, they’ll have to stop eventually.” His voice sounded dubious even to his own ears.

“You don’t even seem convinced with your half ass attempt. Bucky,” she said gently, leaning towards to him. “If you don’t get it checked, these migraines will cause you more pain. They may never stop. Hell, they might even cause you more damage and as your friends, me and Jake refuse to sit back and let it happen. Please, just have it looked out. If not for me, or Jake or even Steve, then for yourself. You don’t deserve them damn it, stop letting them hurt you.”

But he did deserve it, what did Huda know? Would she still be so sympathetic if he she knew what he really was, a murderous science experiment? A stone hearted assassin? Perhaps her sympathy would dwindle and replace itself with disgust- he didn’t know. There was insufficient data.

Raising his arms to surrender he lied, “fine, fine. I’ll see someone, okay? Get it checked out and make sure my heads screwed on right. Now, can we please move on?”

Glancing at them all, Huda seemed sceptical but grateful, Jake was proud and comforting, but Steve. His face displayed tragic heartbreak that screamed that he knew. He knew Bucky was just appeasing them, he wouldn’t really go, and maybe it was a trick of the light, but Steve seemed saddened by that fact. Like it hurt him.

She let the topic change without bringing it up again and they ordered their food. Steve integrated easily into the group, talking science with Huda (and Bucky, mentioning altered memories from the past) and, he told Jake about how people doubted him before he got “fit”, and that most workplaces wouldn’t keep him because he was always ill.

None of them realised that Steve was Captain America, never once figuring out that the stories he was telling were from the 30’s and not from the present. But they accepted them wholeheartedly, sharing their own experiences and it was nice. It was good.

Jake and Huda, they were a part of Bucky’s life, quite a large one too. They were his only friends, and the first people who trusted him (albeit not knowing his true nature…his horrendous past) but they were there. They maintained the friendship and didn’t intentionally make him uncomfortable by prying for information. Hell, they still didn’t know about his metal arm, and he refused to take off the glove and jacket. It was a good thing he had the sound removed from the thing.

So, he was a mess, but they accepted him the way he was and for that Bucky let them in as close as they could go. They were kind, considerate and unknowingly helpful.

Once they had said goodbye, with promises to bring Steve with him next time he saw them, they were all about to leave with smiles and good wishes. But at the last moment Steve requested to talk to Jake and Huda, hinting at Bucky to wait at the car.

Curious, he gave them a hard stare noting the confusion on his friends’ face but quickly left, muttering one quick last goodbye. As he waited for Steve’s return he purposely didn’t think of the conversation. He knew it was about him, what specifically he couldn’t deduce.

When Steve joined Bucky in the car, he said, “they’re good people, I’m happy for you, Buck.”

Bucky nodded in assent, he was grateful he knew them too.

“Do they not know about the arm, or Hydra?” or that you won’t be attending any doctor’s appointment?

Shaking his head, he answered, “no, and I’d like to keep it like that.”

Steve agreed, and replied, “Your secrets aren’t mine to spill.”

Bucky didn’t ask why he stayed behind for a moment longer and Steve didn’t press anymore questions. They both returned to Bucky’s home in silence.

 

* * * *

 

Two days after fully recovering Bucky was prepared to leave the cabin. Wearing his coat, he wanted to venture out into the mountains. Wanted to see the animals, the cycle of life that adapts to inevitable changes with ease, and that continue. Prevail against the torrential winds. He needed hope that Zola's programming was not all he was, there was more to him than seven words.

That morning, there was a comforting and solemn silence that no one broke. Bucky exercised, made breakfast, cleaned, and accumulated the equipment for his voyage. It was during the preparation, with him finding his phone, that Steve asked, "can I come?"

Glancing at him, Bucky noted the eyebags, the withering light in his iris and a heaviness to shoulder that was forcing his body to plummet, and it possibly might have, if there was no fight in him. Questions shrivelled in his throat, wanting to know what happened, why Steve was looking forlorn and dejected, but he didn't ask.

He understood, that some sorrows could not be shared unless offered, and if Steve didn't want to divulge it, he wouldn't ask. Instead, he asked, "you got a coat?" Because the mountains were freezing, and Steve needed to bundle up.

He shook his head, almost apologetically. Bucky smiled tenderly at him and stated, "guess we're going shopping then."

It wasn't difficult obtaining the attire to fit Steve, it was easier than Bucky had hoped it could be because Steve knew most of his sizes, knew what material was sustainable and could withstand the rapid weather. Bucky was just there to drive him since he couldn't suggest anything Steve didn't already know, but it wasn't an issue.

Steve still stood close to him, asked for his opinions and recommendations dutifully even though they weren't the best, and generally made him feel somewhat useful. A year later, and he still struggled to complete simple tasks such as dressing himself. But it didn't scare Steve away, and if possible, actually brought him closer.

It was weird, confusing yet…kind. To not be ridiculed for being out of touch despite the expanding distance between the day he broke free from his brainwashing to that moment. And so, to treat them, Bucky got them Huda's famous hot chocolate, vowing to return when he couldn't stay and had to leave, returning to the cabin content.

Getting dressed was the easy part since he had been doing it for months, it was second nature to him. Steve was doing it methodically. Quiet, stoic, and robotic, how one would dress for a mission. It caused Bucky to frown because this wasn't a job, it was a way to let loose, but he didn't say. A decision is personal and rightful to each of their own. If Steve wanted to come, he could. Out of everyone, Bucky would not be the one to tell him no.

During the hour ride to the enclosure, it was mostly silent, a wrong type of quietness now. Steve's vacant eyes were watching the trees without much recognition, and he didn't seem to be there, in the moment. Bucky drove as fast as the dangerous roads would allow, hoping to reach their destination quicker.

By the time they got there, it was almost two in the afternoon and Steve was still emotionless, prepped for a fabricated mission. Pressing his hand gently in Steve's shoulder, Bucky called, "Steve?"

That was what jolted him out of his daydream. "Yeah Buck?"

"Come on, let's go."

Nodding to himself, Steve hopped out of the truck giving Bucky a few precious seconds to monitor any change. There wasn't much, but he was alive at least. There was a minuscule bounce to each step.

Without being prompted, he followed Bucky as they walked deep into the woods and didn't question the aimless humming. It wasn't an actual song he didn't think, something from an advert possibly. But it eased the silence, making it more bearable.

"I've been here a load of times," Bucky disclosed, capturing Steve's dissembled attention. "There's loads of wildlife, trees, lakes and mountains. It's nice."

“Yeah, I can see why. It’s beautiful,” Steve breathed, looking deep into the cluster of leaves when an owl called.

“You want to go see anything in particular? They’ve got everything here.”

“Where were you planning on going?” Steve asked, looking at him.

Bucky shrugged. “Nowhere, I usually just roam the grounds until I find something I haven’t seen before.”

“Let’s just walk then, I want to see as much as I can,” Steve stated, in a tone that conveyed he didn’t think he’d be back.

“We’ll try to cover as much ground as we can, anything we miss, we’ll check it out on a later date, that okay?”

He smiled, a relieved quirk of the lips that soothed Bucky’s chest, and he nodded, agreeing, “yeah, yeah that’s good. I like that idea.”

“I know you’re more of a bird person, but I’ve seen a pack of wolves here loads of times. If you’re lucky, we might even see them today.”

Trudging into the tall mass, Steve was by his side, their shoulders careful not to brush. “Is that safe? I mean, they’re wolves.”

“Uh not really, but they won’t attack us if we’re careful. I’ve seen them a couple of times, usually when they’re on a hunt, and they don’t attack or snarl. You respect them, they’ll respect you,” Bucky explained, scanning the vicinity as he did. Steve took a step closer to him but was still not quite brushing against him.

“You done a lot of research, huh?” Steve questioned, looking livelier the more he spoke. “This, the mountain lion…you know your stuff.”

“I know enough to get by,” Bucky confessed, “I’m not an expert on these things, hell, I don’t know much on anything. But, if I’m going to explore these areas, I gotta learn about the animals and their way of life.”

Steve nodded along, entranced, and keen. Swallowing, Bucky continued talking, hoping it was helpful somehow. “Most of these animals are like us anyway. Wolves live in packs, with an alpha to lead them, and the alphas mate who looks after the kids while the men go on hunts. They’re not entirely senseless, they love and care for each other.”

“I guess they’re more human than we give them credit for,” Steve contributed, and Bucky nodded seriously.

“Animals live, eat, love, and mourn. You know some of them can actually die from a broken heart? That shit is pure and real. I guess, because Hydra treated me as an animal, sub-human for so long, I didn’t realise that maybe, what makes us human might not be uniquely human after all,” he admitted, and that was when he saw Steve come through, and the flame that was flickering indecisively was tamed.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sometimes it takes those who aren’t human, to show us the true meaning humanity. To remind us what it means to be human,” Steve said with intensity. Bucky nodded in assent.

“They also look good, which is a plus. You can’t get a bad angle of a wolf, I’ll tell you that.”

Rolling his eyes, Steve chuckled. “I’m sure they have less than flattering profiles, you just haven’t found it.”

“I’m telling you pal, it’s impossible. They’re blessed.”

“You take a good enough picture today, and maybe I will,” Steve challenged.

Bucky didn’t need to hear anymore, he was going to capture the most flattering picture technology could encapsulate. Then, he’d print on a large canvas just for Steve, how he had done for Huda, as a trophy of wolves’ easiest accomplishment. It was his mission.

“You’re on.”

Despite the pack not adhering to a certain pattern that he could distinguish, Bucky was relying solely on his luck (something in which he lacked severely), he felt confident. They’d emerge from their den, as they would, and go for a hunt to scavenge some meat for the entire family. He hoped they’d do the same today, anything so he could find them.

Steve followed him wherever he went, jumping over logs, squeezing through bushes, and even climbing trees. They chatted as they did, more information on wolves, anything so the conversation wouldn’t stall. It was quiet and easy, nothing too suffocating. Bucky found he didn’t mind the talking.

“So, everyone goes to find food the mum stays behind?” Steve clarified, one arm holding a branch as he effortlessly jumped over it, shadowing Bucky.

He nodded. “They’re born blind and deaf, like baby panda’s, so they can’t be left alone- unsupervised. Mum has milk, which is why she stays, so she can feed and look after them. Kids are hazards, you know, can’t leave them for a second.”

“What if they don’t get enough to eat? What happens to them then?” Steve queried, and Bucky pondered thoughtfully. He couldn’t remember clearly.

 “They’ll die, I guess. They can’t last as long as the teens or adults without food. Most cubs from a litter don’t make it to their second winter, usually only one or two survive.”

“Jesus, that’s awful.”

Bucky agreed. “I know, but I read somewhere that it’s because food is rare in winter. Prey is easier to catch in warm weather, so they fatten up during that time, and when winter comes they try to make do and breed.”

Nodding intently, Bucky watched Steve process the information before adding, “you always had a thing for furry things, but try not to get attached. I remember your disappointment from all those back-alley dogs. You’d sulk for days.”

“Hey,” Steve said, “we connected and then they just left, I was bound to get upset.”

“If I remember correctly, you’d give them food once before they ran. How did you bond?”

Rolling his eyes, Steve knocked their shoulders, a sheepish, beautiful smile growing. Bucky tried desperately not to stiffen. It was worth it when Steve beamed. Maybe, just maybe, they’d be okay.

Bucky was adamant, with a mission in his mind. Nothing would hinder him from proving Steve wrong, even Steve knew it. However, finding the wolves, the heart of it all, was taking up time, energy, and power. They needed to rest, eat something, but he was too engrossed in the bet to actually do it. Steve was outwardly content with waiting too it seemed, he hoped it wasn’t because of him.

Eventually, however, after almost two hours of endless searching, Bucky caught sight of one. Leaping into the snow, hopping in evident jollity. Eyes zoning in on him, he muttered, “gotcha.”

“Wow, he’s bigger than what I expected,” Steve admonished. “Is that the alpha?”

“No, the alpha is bigger and somewhere close to him- the whole pack is. Follow me,” he commanded, executing tentative steps inwards.

A howl pierced the silent air as they tread closer, and it was young, not fully mastered, indicating it was a teen. Soon, an onslaught of howls obliterated the quietness, loud and communicatively, ranging in hollowness and development. They were talking to each other.

Steve looked at him, marvelling the occurrence, grinning so brightly he was bursting through the seams of his mouth. “This is incredible!” he whispered excitedly, ears perking to focus on the discussion, and Bucky nodded in assent, possessing a smile of his own.

Bucky stopped them a few feet away, arm lifting in a halt sign and he peered through the bushes. From his side, Steve pressed against him and did the same, looking through the scattered leaves. Three teenagers were playing with each other, nipping at their tails, and jumping onto each other’s bodies. The two adults were drinking water from the lake which had started thawing, and the alpha- the father- was perched at the side, watching contently.

He was on his stomach, face resting on his two front paws that tucked underneath him, and his snout was partially concealed with snow, even though it didn’t bother him. His face was angled more towards the teenagers, who were expressing their endless exuberance, but his erect ears meant that he was listening in to the adults sipping water too. His attention was scattered so that everyone was accounted for.

Grey fur gleaming, unobstructed from any dirt or snow, Bucky felt his breath caught in his throat as he stared at the father of the pack. God, he was majestic. Swallowing a sentimental breath, he raised his camera he had carried that whole time, and zoomed onto the alpha, already deciding the subject.

Perfecting the image, the light, angle, and distance, he snapped it immediately, not wanting anything to take the chance away from him. Before he could pull away to look and show Steve the picture, another howl initiated, and all the wolves started howling once more. Instantly, he didn’t think before taking picture of all of them.

The alpha had pushed his head off his front paws, just enough to protrude his head into the air and started howling, the snow on his nose descending. The teens all howled around each other, pausing in their step to raise their heads and close their eyes. Even the adults who were now sprawled before the water, joined in, inclining their head upwards.

“Did you manage to get that? Please tell me you did,” Steve implored.

Shaking his camera, a picture emerging on the screen, he confirmed he had. Steve breathed a heavy sigh of relief, not that Bucky could blame him.  He would have regretted it immensely if he had missed.

They stalked the wolves for a while longer, though they never left their territory and stayed close to the water. Steve witnessed one of them catch a rabbit from its burrow underground, saw its ears twist like a radar and then pounce into the snow. He saw them fight to eat it, while the adults watched- they could last longer. And, he saw how family-oriented and social these beautiful creatures were.

Unknowingly, when he saw how they closed in on the adults, the teens, he did the same around Bucky, muscle memory playing a keen role on how they fit around each other. Bucky inhaled sharply, but didn’t say anything to disconcert Steve, he wasn’t controlling his movements. Instead, he discreetly leaned into the touch and took more photos, allowing himself this moment. It was just for then.

However, it had to end eventually, and the wolves finished resting, getting up once more when the alpha did to resume the hunt. Bucky watched them go, forlorn, and invaded their clearing when they were further away, taking their seats. Steve sat next to him, consumed by the phenomenon, and took to the food and drink from Bucky when he offered it.

“So, you said something about unflattering?” Bucky prompted, smirking around his sandwich.

Steve shook his head. “I- I love wolves. They’re so- so majestic! And did you see them play? God, Bucky they’re adorable.”

“I told you so,” Bucky said knowingly. “They’re really something.”

“They are.” Turning to him, Steve said sincerely, “Thank you Buck, I really appreciate this. All of it. You don’t owe me anything and I just…yeah. Thanks.”

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Bucky waved it off with a forced smile, insisting that Steve didn’t need to mention it. He hoped he wouldn’t again. Sincerely hoped.

Because Steve was perceptive, he was clever enough to recognise what Bucky meant (most of the time) he nodded, signifying he understood. They were good.

“So, we’re coming back here soon?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. They were coming back soon.

Later that very night, Steve was sleeping on the couch, mouth open allowing little snores to escape, looking adorable for a man so big. Perched on the soft rug, Bucky was using the laptop looking through his pictures with the TV playing quietly in the back, fireplace alight. The lights were off, curtain closed, and it was alluring, the pull of sleep, but with Steve inhabiting his bed Bucky couldn't sleep. Not yet anyway.

Sorting through the images, he was trying to find some nice ones to give to Huda and Jake and himself, printing them onto large canvas' to keep around his home as decoration. It seemed like a good idea, with most of his walls bear from any sort of personalisation.

When the protagonist on the TV burst out in laughter, Steve snuffled in his sleep, a sound of displeasure transmitting clearly. Eyes darting to him, Bucky watched as he remained otherwise pliant, and then silently decreased the volume, muting it. Indulging a glimpse of Steve, he looked unbothered, regaining the unconscious stoicism; satisfied, Bucky moved back next to the fireplace, face warmed by its erect flames, and resumed organising the pictures into files. There were four in total, for all of them but Steve's was private. That was off limits.

For the next couple of minutes, there was no noise apart from the cracking fire, and then again Steve protested in his sleep, this time sinking further into the couch. Eyebrows furrowing, Bucky stared at him, wondering if he should do something, but didn't know if it was right. Maybe that was how he slept?

All the evidence from the past repelled such a thought, screaming that Steve was in fact a deep sleeper, even when winter cooled their apartment and they slept together, nothing could wake the man other than himself. He slept like a log. But a lot had changed, for example he had been unconscious for seventy years, trapped in ice, unable to move or scream. These new quirks could have been recent developments since then, it was possible.

Bucky knew his sleeping pattern had changed, it happened. But he couldn't distinguish, was that distress he was reading on Steve's face? Or merely a trick of the light. For a better inspection, he gently put the laptop aside and crawled close to him, staying on the opposite side of the table, as far as the barricade pushed, and he looked openly. Tried to note any massive alterations on his face.

Steve whimpered. Eyebrows knitting together, they intertwined thickly as his lips contorted into a grimace, his expression painting pain. Definitely a nightmare then.

Torn between waking him or leaving him be, Bucky watched as it progressively worsened, never transcending a whimper or audible gulp, not how Bucky screamed as though he was being murdered. He shifted multiple times, unable to stay in one place leaning further to his right, until promoting his eventual fall. Gasping, Steve sprang up, panting as though he had clashed with concrete rather than a fluffy pillow and he scanned the room, searching. He successfully found Bucky.

Eyes wide and unblinking, Bucky met his gaze with an emotionless face, wondering what to do- how to react, but he didn't have to make the first move. Steve took the burden upon himself, by disconnecting their gazes and digging his face into his hands, a light groan emanating from behind. He seemed embarrassed.

"Did I wake you up?" he asked, voice extremely deep and croaky, presenting his face to the light.

Bucky shook his head. He had yet to submit to his unconscious demons.

Steve nodded, his disinterest growing as the moments passed and his eyes contained a faraway look, one that was being harvested religiously as he dissociated. It was familiar, and scarily like he was looking into a mirror, seeing a blonde, tall, built reflection of himself. Bucky wouldn't allow Steve to surrender.

Clearing his throat, capturing Steve's attention, he muttered, "be right back."

He didn't think his presence would be missed much. He was right. He left for the kitchen, leaving behind a hollow Steve, who peering into the floor mentally vacant. When he returned, carrying two mugs with piping hot chocolate and anything consumable that could go into it, his former best friend was the same. Rigid, and absent.

Holding back a nervous sigh, he called, "Steve?" Hoping that his voice would be enough. He didn't want to startle him.   

"Steve?" He tried again, desperate for some sort of recognition, but there was none.

Sitting next to him on the couch, he put his mug on the table and directed all of his attention onto his dissociated friend. Here goes nothing. Firmly, he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly, and he murmured, "Steve?"

That was what pulled him out of his daydream, and startled (he wanted to avoid that, damn it) he turned to Bucky. Blinking timidly, he opened his mouth moving it slowly before asking, "Bucky?" Incredulous and worried.

Oh, Bucky thought desperately, I still love you. Which- what?

"You okay, pal?" He questioned, eyes looking over him, searching for non-existent physical injuries. The ones he wanted to find could not be seen by the naked eye.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Steve replied unconvincingly, looking down at the hand on his shoulder hard, before his eyes flee around the room. Resting on the table, he confirmed, "this one's mine?"

Bucky nodded. "Huda's famous hot chocolate. There's nothing it can't cure or solve."

Steve huffed a cynical laugh but didn't object. Gathering his mug, he took tentative sips like he was relearning once again. Disorientated, Bucky described it, he felt the same most of the time.

"You like it?"

"Yeah it's- it's good Buck. Thank you," Steve said earnestly, not an ounce of dishonesty in his voice.

"No problem," he assured. "I usually like a hot drink after a nightmare, this is my go to."

Not expecting the information, Steve nodded, listening attentively to whatever he said, and like an obedient child finished all his drink. Bucky wasn't even halfway through his. It was probably the anxiety. During that silence, they had change positions, Bucky's left side plastered to Steve's right, but there was no acknowledgement. It just, happened.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked, not having any other option, but thankfully Steve shook his head, declining the offer. Bucky couldn't proffer support if he did.

"It's alright, I'll be fine."

Jokingly, Bucky said, "hey, that's my line."

Managing a small smile, Steve agreed, "yeah, it is."

Things developed slowly in a disperse silence. Bucky's steel hand shifted comfortably, so that they were both slumped against the back of the couch, and his hand travelled down Steve's arm, intertwining his wrist. Hesitantly, the blonde beside him leaned into his touch, lowering so that his shoulder was pressed against the perimeter of Bucky's chest, and resting cautiously.

Affirming, Bucky faded into the touch, head coming close to Steve's as he watched the apprehension slowly dissipate, the light from the TV revealing that and so much more. His heart beat confidently, slow and reassuring, until he asked, a broken whisper, "is this okay?" because he may like the touch, but that didn't mean Steve did.

Sighing, there was a curt nod on and a "yeah," allowing the cuddling to continue. A month ago, Bucky wouldn't have been able to imagine such bloom in his life, it was surreal. But, actually experiencing it, he relished in the contact. In the firmness and assurance of it all. In that moment, Steve was there, and he was willingly with him.

For a majority of his long-lived life he hadn't known such prospects were possible- couldn't even conceive them as only the mission was important. However, having company and solid support, it was magical. Life really was a funny thing.

The thought must have been reciprocated because Steve commented, "I didn't think this would be possible, you know."

Bucky nodded. He didn't too. "Neither did I."

"But it's funny, how things never work out how you expect it. Who knew, all I really needed to find you was Ultron." There was something cynical, belittling underneath it, that Bucky couldn't pinpoint.

It was what was eating Steve. A poisoned, internal wound with no exit point that had hum filled with hate that had nowhere to go. No way to escape. It was killing him, Bucky thought horrified.

"All you needed was time," Bucky corrected him, "until now, neither of us were ready. We still aren't."

"If it wasn't for Ultron, this moment may never have come. He's the only reason Natasha told me where you are. Without him, I'd still be gone, and you'd still be here," Steve objected, that familiar stubbornness persisting.

Bucky started to understand. "Because it wouldn't have been the right time, Ultron was the vessel for what needed to happen."

Head moving on his chest, Steve argued, "so, for us to meet I just had to lose my mind? How lovely. The universe sure loves us."

"Lose your mind?" He asked instead, priority so clear there wasn't a single obstacle obstructing his path.

Jaw clicking, he heard Steve sigh. "I've not been doing too well."

Bucky scoffed, that wasn't a recent revelation for him. It was obvious Steve was compromised. But by what?

Glaring, Steve silenced him with a single look, continuing, "after Sokovia, it all crashed down on me, I guess. I was nowhere near finding you, you dropped off the grid. And so many people died, that Steve Rogers and Captain America failed everyone. It became too much too quickly."

"I saw what happened, on the news," Bucky admitted quietly, "it was a tough call, but you did good."

It was Steve who scoffed this time, replying, "sure I did. Killed a lot of civilians, destroyed their lives, and then packed up and left. I was amazing."

"You know that's not true Steve."

"The hell it isn't! People died Buck, all because I was too slow, too late or too stupid," Steve snapped, a sudden burst of energy lurching him upright. "I get to go home, I have a chance to continue. But what about them? It ain't right and it ain't fair."

"No, you're right, it isn't," Bucky conceded, replacing a hand on his shoulder, holding it firmly in place. "But you know that's part of the job. It kills us but sometimes causalities are inevitable, and we can’t save everyone."

"That doesn't make it any better. We should make sure we do."

"No, it doesn’t, but it does help you sleep at night. You can't save everyone, Steve. Nobody can. As long as you give it your all and try, no one can ask for anything more."

Sighing, the energy deflated out of him like air out of a balloon, and he fell against Bucky, rough and uncoordinated, reeking despondency. It was sickening.

Even before the serum, when Steve chose a fight to fight he'd pick the ones which he'd figured would end the most successfully. Success wasn't measured by how injured he was, it was determined by the outcome of what he ordered. For someone to stop talking in the theatre as they watched a movie, to stop bullying the little boy- he has no money anyway, or to give back that stolen bread. If they listened, albeit to beat him up, he considered it as a success.

As Captain America, that blurred significantly because it had to. War was a breeding ground of morally questionable actions, and they did some things that would make people see them differently if they knew, but the fundamentals remained. He had somewhat of a choice, what battles to pick and what to miss. But after years in the ice the choice was taken from him and as an Avenger he had to go where he was ordered. Bucky wondered why he didn't leave.

"That still doesn't make it right."

"I'd be worried if it does," Bucky told him, putting an arm across his chest. Steve inclined into it.

"I just wish it was avoidable, sometimes." I want to be able to reject them, went by unsaid. Bucky understood nonetheless.

"Hey, everything is avoidable here apart from yourself. Knock yourself out." That was as direct as an invitation Steve would get to stay, from Bucky. They both needed to heal.

"You- you don't want me to go?" Steve asked nervously, timid, and hopeful.

At first Bucky had, he couldn't deny it. Deciding that Steve was safer away from him, he established the distance between them and wanted to keep it that way, anything so he was safe. However, now, not so much. They were both hurting, struggling to adapt to such a time, so alike yet vastly different, but they were doing it. They were trying.

"I did, at first. I thought, maybe you'd be better- safer away from me. But- now, I see that maybe we both need time to chill and figure out who we are. Away from all of the stresses and obligations. You're welcome here anytime Steve," he admitted.

Swallowing thickly, Steve replied, "I know at first, you probably thought I'd want you to act like the old you, be him. But, all I've ever wanted was just to be with you Bucky. Any way I could, I'd take it. We've both changed, so I couldn't expect you to be someone you're not, when I'm not him either."

"Huh, guess all we had to do was talk, something so simple," Bucky admonished, and he felt Steve's jaw rumble against his chest, a sigh.

"You had to take some time away, from me and the world. If we had this conversation months ago, I don't think it would've gone so smoothly."

"No, it wouldn't," Bucky confessed sheepishly, he had changed a lot from the past, and he could feel it in him. Thing were just starting for him.

"So, it's fine. At least we had it now, and we're on the same wavelength again. All it took was time."

"Yeah, you're right."

They allowed the silence to develop, blankly watching the TV as they both processed the recent information. It was getting late too and Bucky was tired.

He looked at Steve, wanting to ask if he wanted to go to bed but he looked so causal and content lying in Bucky's arms, that he didn't. He waited instead, until he was ready to go. It didn't take too long.

"I suppose you're tired, huh," Steve commented.

Bucky didn't reply.

"I'll just, get out of your hair, see you in the morning I guess." He untangled himself, extracting his limbs carefully and towered over Bucky, nervous. "We good?"

Assuring, Bucky nodded. "More than good."

It prompted a smile from Steve and he repeated the gesture before leaving to go into Bucky's bedroom. Things between them seemed easier- less tense after the truths were exposed throughout the day. Perhaps, they would be okay after all.

He went to sleep hoping that was so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is bucky-centric but I feel like the reason why Steve actually got here needs to be addressed, so yeah this is mostly for him post-diner. 
> 
> also Jake and Huda <33 get u some friends like that


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> halfway through hell yeah bittcchheessss
> 
> i'm starting uni soon so I need this up and out of my life by then, expect frequent updates that means ! also, the food mentioned in this, so nice. give it a try if you can! (I say not liking most of it lol)
> 
> WARNING: nightmare and graphic recounts of torture, vomiting and fainting. I know, I suck- trust me I been knew

Huda had exams incoming, so she was incessant that before she started revising religiously they had to come over and she’d cook like she did. It was to help her de-stress she claimed, she enjoyed hosting elaborate ‘dinner parties’ and cooking enough food to feed an army. Bucky agreed easily, telling her, “Steve loves food, he’s an endless pit. Worse than me. Do what you like with that information.”

“I like a challenge Barnes, make sure he comes hungry. I’ll fatten him up. He won’t know what hit him.”

Bucky promised he would.

When Saturday arrived, he had to go into town, canvas’ had to be made for Jake and Huda, and Steve wanted to buy some new clothes. Leaving him with a large wad of cash, despite Steve’s claims that it was too much, he instructed him to ring Bucky when he was done and then he’d collect him from the store.

Canvas printing usually took an hour- max, but he had one done for Jake too, a large one in fact. So, it would take longer. Once the image was moved into the system all he had to do was wait for it to transfer, meaning he had plenty of time on his hands. With no errands to run, he waited for Steve’s text and kept out of the way as the machine did its job. He was a regular, was no longer perturbed by employees.

 **Steve** : Ready for pick up when you’re free.

 **Bucky** : on my way

Steve was surrounded by bags and a sheepish smile lining his lips. When Bucky pulled up, he deposited his clothes in the back, before sliding into the front. Nodding, he said, “I had the money, so I decided to get a couple of extra jeans and shirts. That okay?”

“Steve, I gave you the money to spend, I’d be annoyed if you gave it back to me,” Bucky stated, pulling out of the car park.

Rolling onto the main road, Steve said from beside him, “I figured as much. You always complained when I never spent all the money.”

“Damn right I did,” Bucky mumbled, before adding, “you need to do anything? We still have an hour to spare.”

“Nope. I’ve got everything I need right here.”

“Well, I have nothing to do either. So, we need to wait. Shouldn’t take too long now.”

It took an hour and then some, and the whole experience was boring. Steve didn’t question it, didn’t ask what or why, he didn’t ask too many questions. Accepted the things Bucky did without a word, though the curiosity in his iris was harder to hide. It was kind, and frustrating.

The rest of the day was spent showering, lazing, and generally doing nothing productive (“This documentary is productive, Buck.”). When the time arrived and they had to get dressed, Bucky was in his usual attire, nothing too elaborate. In fact, he looked worse if possible.

Steve, on the other hand, Bucky struggled to look away. Wearing a dark blue Henley, it draped on his skin effortlessly, not hugging his muscles or accentuating them. The black jeans made his legs look lovely, a true delight, and Bucky wondered how someone so beautiful once loved him. It was mind breaking.

“Do I look okay?” Steve inquired, nervousness apparent for no reason.

Bucky tried not to gape. “Yeah, you uh, look great. Let’s go.”

They lugged the packages into the jeep before Bucky started driving and Steve looked at the night sky in awe. The moon cast a glow on his face, highlighting his gorgeous cheekbones and red lips, making him so very irresistible that Bucky tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Jesus Barnes, relax.

Clearly unaware of what he was doing to Bucky, Steve ruminated whilst gazing at the stars and it was only when they were close to their destination did Bucky devise a plan. Parking the car, Steve was about to leave, before Bucky latched onto his arm. It was their first time touching since that night.

“I’ll carry Huda’s, you Jake’s. But keep it hidden from him at first, don’t let him see it until I say, okay?”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “Sure Buck, I can work with that.”

Bucky smiled. They got the canvas’ from the back and walked up to Huda’s apartment, Bucky knocking on her door. She opened it immediately, Jake peaking from behind her. When his eyes rested on the large package, he groaned.

“Is this some weird courting? Offering your future mate gifts? If so, I’m not liking it. I want to contend.”

Huda rolled her eyes, slapping his stomach gently, before extracting the canvas from Bucky, saying, “honestly Bucky, you spoil me. You’ve got me excited for a new one every time I invite you!”

“You like them, I figured if someone gets to see the pictures it might as well be you. And you too Jake, don’t sulk.”

“Hey, I want a canvas just like her, until I get one I’m sulking.”

Steve chuckled from beside him, arms hidden behind. “Come on Steve, hand it over.”

Easily, he revealed the brown packet with Jake’s name written in block capitals. Eyes laying upon it, Jake grinned brightly. Moving Huda aside (she rolled her eyes, but obeyed), he quickly grabbed onto the gift from Steve, astonished.

Holding it in his hands, he turned to Bucky, wide eyed, and exclaimed, “I agree to be your mate. When’s the wedding? I’m not hard to please like Huda, she’ll never agree. Keep a strong supply of these coming in, and I’ll never leave!”

Weirdly, Bucky felt Steve stiffen from his side though he didn’t show it and glanced at him, short and quick. His smiled seemed strained, why?

 “Uh, sorry Jake, but I’ll pass. Huda can cook, it’s an easy choice to make.” Steve seemed to turn more rigid, confused he urged, “anyway, let’s go in. You can check them out, see if you like them. If not, I have some other ideas.”

Allowing them to pass, Huda stated, “they’re always amazing. Honestly Bucky, thank you. They’re brilliant.”

“I second that,” Jake said, as Bucky gestured for Steve to sit and then sat next to him. Jake dug into opening the parcel. Huda was doing the same.

Around the room were a few of Bucky’s previous house gifts, some stacked up, others hung. He had given her so many. She claimed to be running out of space but she grinned as she said it, so he knew she liked them, didn’t mind him giving them all the times he came over. He’d do it for as long as he had pictures.

Steve was looking at them too, studying them no doubt, his keen artistic eyes loved anything aesthetically pleasing. Huda must have noticed him, just as Bucky did, because she explained, “whenever Bucky comes over, he always brings me a canvas with one of his pictures printed on them. It’s usually of something I’ve mentioned in the passing that he’ll give a canvas of. I’m a proud collector.”

“That’s amazing,” Steve commented smiling, almost sadly before pressing it down. Bucky still saw it.

“Bucky- no. You didn’t,” Jake declared, a bright smile growing on his face. “You fucker!”

He hoisted the canvas in his arms, pivoting it in his arms to display the image to the rest of them, eyes struck with wonder. Bucky already knew what it was, he chose the picture after looking through countless ones.

It was of the cabin, considering Jake was infatuated with the place, taken from the port in the lake. The glow transmitted from the sunset behind Bucky, cast a golden blanket over it, and the trees were ignited with mute orange flames around it. It wasn’t that great. It was an old picture, with no snow, just soil and trampled leaves, but he owed Jake so he couldn’t prolong it. He had to give something.

Huda chuckled, saying, “well, you are obsessed with his home.”

Jake didn’t even deny it, cuddling the canvas, disclosing simply, “I know. I’m going to look at this before I go to sleep. Just you watch. It’s what happens when you are friends with rich people.”

“Jake, I’m not-”

“Millions,” he sang, moving his canvas out of the way.

She punched him with her left fist, before carefully extracting her own canvas and admiring it. She gasped audibly, and squealed, “you saw mountain lions? Bucky, how did you- where- I need to go to this place. I need to see these lions.”

Chuckling, Bucky looked at the picture he took of the teen mountain lion, the day he showed Sam the forest. Steve perked when he saw that. “Oh, they’re beautiful Huda, and Bucky showed me a pack of wolves. I’m in love. Brooklyn only had stray dogs and cats, I didn’t even know anything else. This is like a whole new world.”

“A whole new world…” Jake sang.

“A new fantastic point of view…” Huda continued.

Bucky and Steve stared at them blankly. Jake was the first inquire, “Aladdin? The famous Disney movie? It’s amazing.”

They both hadn’t seen it thus couldn’t reply.

“Alright, after we’ve ate, we’re watching Aladdin, anyone got any objections?”

Bucky shrugged. “Sure, let’s watch it. I don’t mind.”

“Good,” Huda affirmed, “you have not lived until you’ve seen Aladdin. It’s one of the best Disney movies out there.”

Steve nodded slowly, in weary acknowledgement just as lost as Bucky was no doubt and showed his agreement. Well, if Bucky was staying, Steve by default had to. What if he wanted to go back?

“Hey, you want to stay for the movie? We can go if you want to,” he offered, smiling to let him know he didn’t mind. If Steve wanted to stay, then they would. If not, then home it was.

“No, I’m fine. Just don’t want to impose, you know?” he replied in a low voice, watching the other converse and talk of food.

“They love you,” Bucky assured him, “if they didn’t the night wouldn’t be like this.”

“You sure?”

“One hundred per cent,” Bucky promised, and Steve nodded, blindly taking his word for it. Bucky watched him for seconds more, before tuning into the discussion of food. He wasn’t lying.

Jake was demanding that they ate immediately, whilst Huda reminded him they were in no hurry. But Steve’s stomach grumbled, as he had stayed true to his word planning on devouring Huda’s food, and he muttered sheepishly, “oops?”

“Alright, Jake, Bucky, get up, you’re helping me carry all the food. Steve, put something on the TV, remote’s to your right. Everyone let’s go.”

They scrambled to their assigned tasks, as Huda led the way. The kitchen was spotless as always, food prepared for extraction. Grabbing them, the three placed them on the table, getting through the job successfully and efficiently.

Meanwhile Steve was struggling with the TV and was more than relieved to hand the responsibility to Jake, who taught him how to set it up, how he had done it for Bucky. So, they liked Steve, accepted him. Wanted him back, a constant in their routine, which is why he was being taught to handle the TV as they did the food. It was reassuring.

Bucky resumed his seat at Steve’s side, staring at the table consumed with food. Huda and Jake sat opposite them, crossed legged and unbothered on the floor. They were giving them space- Steve space. How did he manage to befriend such considerate people?

An aimless show played in the background, courtesy of Jake, and Huda told them what everything is. “Okay, so we have naan, aloo palak, curry, sweet rice, seekh kebab, egg rolls, pakorai, halwa, and trifle just because. And oh, sauce too. Everyone happy?”

They all dug in using their hands (Bucky forced to use cutlery because of his gloved hands) and Huda carefully observed them, no doubt trying to weasel out their initial, honest reaction to it. But it was delicious, just as Bucky anticipated and said would be. Steve seemed to be liking it too, judging from his face. It was a success.

The quietness of the meal only lasted so long, as things usually did around Jake, before he burst and began his enquiry. Bucky was expecting that too.

“Alright Steve, you need to tell us, how did you and Bucky meet? This guy won’t talk and we need to know…for science. Huda is an astrophysicts.” Huda rolled her eyes but didn’t disagree. She wanted to know too.

Looking carefully at Bucky, he offered an encouraging smile, and Steve nodded reciprocating the gesture. “I used to be a scrawny kid, skinny and righteous, couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”

“Still can’t,” Bucky muttered under his breath, but Steve heard anyway and nudged him, chuckling.

“Anyway, I was around seven- or eight? I can’t remember, and it was lunchtime in school. I was loner, sat by myself- literally, the entire table was empty- trying to eat my lunch. And then out of nowhere, he appears, dropping his food onto the table getting some of his drink on my sandwich. I got pissed,” Steve admitted with a shake of the head, and Bucky remembered it clearly.

It was one of the best days in his life.

“Got out of my seat, pointing and yelling at him for purposely ruining my food. He looked all confused, like he wasn’t sure I was talking to him, jerk,” Steve said fondly.

Bucky couldn’t supress his retaliation. “Punk.”

“But then he gets up too, counters my rage with his own, saying it was an accident and I needed to stop acting like a baby. It was a mess. Then some bullies heard our argument, came over planning on beating me up, I was a magnetic for this sort of thing, and they grab me by the collar- I was tiny, it wasn’t that difficult. And then he-” Steve pointed at him with his thumb.

Huda and Jake seemed captivated.

“He got angrier that they were messing with me while we were arguing, and he walked up to the guy with a hand on my shirt and punched him across the face. Then with a glare, he told them to leave me alone because I didn’t do anything wrong to them and kicked the guy for good measure. I copied him, because my fights were rarely successful then, and in the end,  we got our asses beat. We bonded over our loss and are friends ever since.”

Bucky laughed at the memory, how Steve kicked the guy, glaring hotly, it was magnificent.

_Steve was stood beside him, sorting his collar, eyes fixated on the bully as he did. When Bucky kicked the guy, sending him to the ground, Steve jumped at the chance, showering him with two kicks of his own causing the boy to groan, and said, “this is what bullies deserve.”_

_The boy’s friends didn’t seem to agree because they advanced on them both as the bully from the floor they demanded they beat them. They did just that._

_Steve acquired a successful bruise on his on his cheek, and a cut lip. Bucky looked the same, hair rugged and messy. The teachers pried the boys away from each other, ordering the bullies to report to the head of the school, as nurses looked at Steve and Bucky. They weren’t life threatening injuries, but Steve was breathing heavy, struggling to stay calm._

_“They’re gone now, why don’ you listen t’ the nurse and breathe properly?” Bucky asked, accepting his fate._

_Steve glared at him. “Shut up, I’m still angry you spilt drink on my sandwich.”_

_“It was an accident!”_

_“Well, I want a new one!”_

_“Fine, I’ll give it t’ you t’morrow!”_

_“I’m only allowed jam because of my allergies!”_

_“I have jam so it’s all good!”_

_“Fine!”_

_“Fine!”_

_That sealed their friendship._

Jake and Huda guffawed at the story. “He only helped you because he wanted to argue about… a sandwich? Oh Bucky, man. This is gold.”

“But I wasn’t the one giving myself an asthma attack because I wanted to be angry,” Bucky countered, looking at Jake he said, “he was all wheezy and out of breath, had really bad lungs back then, and refused to do breathing exercises because he was so angry. I had to bring him sandwiches for a whole week!”

“Hey, I always gave you my juice because I felt bad. I had to drink water because of you.”

“The doctor said juice wasn’t good for you, I haven’t forgotten Rogers, I was keeping you healthy,” Bucky pointed out, zoning completely onto Steve in the present.

“Yeah, yeah. I heard ma tell him to say that, so the doctor lied. You exploited my kindness.”

“Well, can you blame me? I was lucky to have sandwiches with three other kids in the house. I was deprived!” He claimed, incredulously, resulting in a snort from Steve.

“I know what you used to do with Riley and Arnie, who are you kidding? The ice cream money didn’t just appear in your pocket Buck.”

Suddenly sheepish, Bucky confirmed, “you saw that?”

“Damn right I did, you’re lucky I didn’t tell your ma about it. She thought you were doing paper rounds, you criminal.”

“Well, you got your ice cream, didn’t you? You weren’t complaining when you had strawberry all over your face.”

“Free ice cream, I’d be a fool to ruin it. But I did follow you sometimes, just to make sure you didn’t get caught. Remember the Donald incident?”

Bucky shook his head, urging Steve to continue.

“When you were picking fruits and veg from Donald’s farm, none of you saw him locking up, about to catch you stealing his food. So, I threw a stone at Frank since he was the closest, and that’s when he saw Donald about to turn. You bolted out of there,” Steve informed him, shaking his head almost affectionately. “I was always on your six.”

“Aw Stevie, you were stalking me.”

“Shut up Barnes, a boy needs his ice cream.”

“Nope, don’t lie to me Steven, you were stalki-”

Someone cleared their throat loudly. Bucky paused mid-sentence. Slowly, Steve and he turned to face Huda and Jake, who looked amused yet unimpressed. Bucky grinned nervously.

“I have so many questions,” Huda said, looking between them. “But the food is getting cold and I’m not reheating it for either for you. So, eat now, talk later.”

“Of course, Huda,” Steve agreed easily. “I’ve yet to impress you.”

“I want all of this food gone,” she told the three of them.

“And I want a new job, but atlas, we only hope to be disappointed.”

Bucky took a sip of his water, then torn a piece of his naan, tasting the aloo palak. It was delicious. “They still giving you a rough time at work?”

Jake sighed, nodding. “I’m beginning to think they really don’t want me there.”

“Uh, I could buy another house?” Huda chuckled at that, prompting a smile from Bucky. Millions, he thought.

“I wish. No handsome, rugged stranger can save me from this fate again. You know Steve, I don’t know if Bucky’s told you, but that’s how me met. Through work,” Jake told the blonde beside him, and Steve listened carefully.

“He walks in looking like a downright mess, and with this glare that could tear you a new one. My workplace doesn’t like me, since the beginning, so they assigned me to him, told me to help find him a home and if I’m successful they’ll give me a permanent job.”

“They thought he’d fail, that’s why,” he explained.

“Yeah,” Jake agreed, nodding at Bucky, “they did, but Bucky, I knew him as James at the time, he was nice. A little disorientated and confused, but relaxed, like he knew we’d find it. And we did, after three months of looking he chooses one as we’re scrolling through a list of cabins and bought it. It was the biggest sale the company ever made, so they threw a party and everything. But after the first week the novelty wore off and they hate me more.”

“And I met Bucky through Jake. He bought James in as a stray, literally, and continued doing so until Bucky started to trust us, wholeheartedly accepted us as friends. It was beautiful when he did,” Huda added, grinning.

Steve smiled at him, looking down clearly happy and proud, but Bucky didn’t acknowledge it. He was just trying to rebuild his life.

“But anyway, let’s all admit we’re grateful to have Bucky in our life and move on?”

“To Bucky!” Jake exclaimed, raising his glass into the air, making a toast. He rolled his eyes.

Laughing, Steve followed, as did Huda, and Bucky shook his head at them all. He just wanted to know about Jake’s job.

“If you’re all quite done, we were talking about Jake, not me.”

“Aw Bucky,” Jake mushed, “it’s so kind of you to redirect the conversation back to me.”

“Shut up and tell me what you’re planning on doing.”

“Have you considered of quitting? I’m sure there are other jobs around,” Steve asked, trying to be helpful, but just as lost as Bucky.

“Yeah, but I like being a house realtor, it’s a fun job. Makes me want things I’ll never have and it’s a good kind of hurt. But I’m beginning to think it’s not worth the fuss. They’re never going to accept me.”

“I could always beat them up for you?” Steve offered kindly, no doubt serious. Bucky laughed loudly, of course he could.

“You’re a big guy now Steve, I don’t doubt that for a second. But, employment is hard for me as it is, if word leaks I beat up my old workplace, my life would be over.”

“I could buy a house?” he offered, shrugging like it meant nothing.

Jake lit up. Turning to Huda, he explained, “this is real friendship, Huda. Offering to buy a house because nobody likes me. This is the kind of support I need.”

Steve grinned, and Huda rolled her eyes. “I don’t care Campbell, you’re not getting out of this the easy way. You know what to do.”

“Find another job,” Bucky proposed.

His face descended, crestfallen. Betrayed, he said, “not you too Bucky.”

“I think Huda’s right, you’re unhappy and a job like that isn’t worth feeling like this over. Trust me, there’s plenty out there for you to take.”

Jake replied, loud and confident that the job was worth it, with Huda telling him it wasn’t. Steve looked down at him, questioning, “remember working in the factory? God, you hated it there.”

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “It was awful, s’why I left.”

“After I bugged you about it for days. You always liked the docks and diner better.”

Gulping down his water, Bucky admitted, “you’re right about that.”

“I’m right about most of things,” Steve said, smug and smirking.

“An ego the size of your body ain’t right and you know it.”

“What ego?” he asked innocently. “I don’t have an ego.”

“You’re not fooling anyone Rogers, especially not me.”

“I don’t need to fool anyone; my face is my disguise.”

“You’re face looks better when it’s not moving, go to sleep.”

“Ouch Bucky, why so harsh? I’m just tryin’ to have a good time here.”

“And I’m tryin’ to put some dessert in. You want some? It’s trifle.”

“Sure, let me finish this aloo palak- is it? And I’ll have some. Still need to try that as well.”

Putting some into a bowl for himself, Bucky asked, “halwa? You can have it during the movie and when we go home. Huda makes loads so we can heat the left overs.”

She chose to intervene in that moment. Halting the discussion with Jake, she stated, “damn right. I’ll be giving you most of this Bucky, you need to feed yourself and Steve properly. You’re still looking ill.”

“It’s just my complex-”

“It’s not your complexion,” she said, frowning, “you had any more migraines recently? You don’t look like you have but I can never be too sure with you.”

“He hasn’t,” Steve assured, “but he hasn’t been eating properly so that’s why he looks under the weather.”

“Barnes, if you don’t eat right, who’s going to build Huda a spaceship, hm?” Jake questioned.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I told you, I can’t build a spaceship.”

“Sure,” Jake drawled sarcastically.

“I’m going to put Aladdin on, you two can carry on arguing. Steve, want to help me put the dishes away?”

Bucky spared at glance at him and saw him nod enthusiastically, smiling as he began to gather the used plates. Whilst they cleared the table, Jake and Bucky debated on Bucky’s ability to build a spaceship. He was adamant he couldn’t.

By the time, Steve and Huda were done, Jake and Bucky were still at it, undeterred in the slightest. Huda shook her head at them, before getting up and sorting the movie out, and leaving the room, disappearing to her bedroom. When she returned, she threw a blanket at Bucky’s head. He couldn’t help but grin at her.

“Thanks Huda.”

“Watch the movie, loser.”

Switching the lights off, she pressed play, allowing the sequence to play out and effectively silencing Jake. On the floor they were curled around each other, careful and comfortable, with Jake allowing Huda to make the calls, and they were easeful. From where they were sat, Steve was still pressed beside him but it was evidently different. Strained.

They couldn’t snuggle. Not anymore.

So, he draped the blanket over Steve, avoiding his eyes as they tracked what he was doing and retreated to the TV, acting oblivious to the watchful irises. Surprising him, Steve lifted the blanket, and threw it onto him, so he wasn’t he only one covered and inclined closer but only so they were equally concealed.

He didn’t stiffen. But he was conscious of his actions, alert so that he wouldn’t lean onto Steve and disturb him. There was a long time for the movie to finish but he was trained to withstand lengthy time periods. When he directed most of his attention to the movie, the remaining scattered amongst the other occupants in the room, he actually enjoyed it. Loved the genie, the monkey and flying carpet. The antagonist reminded him a lot of Hydra, but it was good.

As good as it could be knowing that even though he loved the movie, the elements of brainwashing, captivity, being used for an unjust motive- they would evoke ghastly nightmares and vivid visons of his past that he’d rather forget. But, he’d deal with it when it arrived. He always did.

They said their goodbyes not long afterward, leaving with three containers full of food, an awed Steve, and promises to see each other soon. Jake insisted that Steve came again, and Bucky vowed that he would, it was clear that Steve liked them.

That night it came as no surprise when he awoke from a nightmare, a memory of his time as the Winter Soldier, brainwashed and humiliated. It was horrifying to relive the experience, consumed his lungs in toxic anxiety and fear.

_“What is your name, Soldat?” Dylatov questioned._

_Whimpering on the floor, a chain bound around his neck and aches emanating from the core of his being, he shied away trying to dissolve into the darkness in the corner, unable to consider the man’s eyes. His tattered white shorts were filthy, contaminated by his own self, and it was so cold in the room. So, very cold._

_“Soldat!” Dylatov barked, startled him, evoking another cry under his breath. “What is your name?”_

_He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know._

_“Pathetic,” the man spat, inkling closer to him, green eyes piercing the shroud he was enclosed in. “Your name is Soldat. How can you not know who you are? Pathetic.”_

_Mercilessly, Dylatov raised his pristine shoe and plunged it into his side, inducing a spurt of pain to consume his chest. He gasped and tried to crawl away._

_He is bad. He is bad. He is pathetic. He can’t do anything right._

_“What are you, Soldat?”_

_He didn’t answer. He was pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic._

_Gabbing him by the neck, Dylatov crouched next to him, eyes murderous and from behind the lanky man the sound of guns penetrated the silence. A threat. A warning. Be good, don’t do anything. Be good. Not pathetic, good._

_“What are you, Soldat?”_

_Tears cascaded down his cheeks, clearing the grime that was glued to his skin and dived onto his clothes. Disgusting clothes. Just like him. Pathetic. Worthless. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong-_

_“Don’t make me ask again, Soldat. What are you?” Dylatov was angry, the fury in his voice was raw and he was going to punish him. He was going to hurt him again. Answer!_

_Growling in displeasure, he threw him back into the corner and stood onto his two feet, water being poured over his fingers to clean them from the dirt. He was disgusting. Dirty. Pathetic. Turning away from him, Dylatov ordered the guards to take him to the isolation room._

_Not again. Not again. Not-_

_“No!” He cried, scrambling away, pulling on his chains feverishly, unbothered by the pain it caused. “No, pl-”_

_“What are you, Soldat? Tell me and you can stay,” Dylatov offered, a malevolent smirk directed him._

_“P-pathetic! Pathetic! Pl-”_

_Appraisingly, Dylatov affirmed, “yes you are. You’re pathetic. Worthless. Repulsive. Say it with me now, what are you?”_

_“P-pathetic,” he sobbed. “Worthless. R-repulsive.”_

_“Good Soldat. Good.” He ignored his sob and addressed the guards, “take him to the isolation room. Strap him down in the chair. No food or water. That’ll teach him for disobeying a direct order.”_

_“No! Please!” he cried out, “please! I-I’m pathetic. Worthless. Weapon- please!”_

_Dylatov indulged him in a glance. “Yes, you are Soldat. Yes, you are.”_

He awoke, drenched in sweat, and still crying. Pathetic. He was pathetic. Weapon. Worthless. Good for nothing- he couldn’t move in time and spilled his bile onto the table in front of him. It kept on coming after that.

Soaking his clothes with the remnants of Huda’s food, he vomited so much until there was nothing but water left for him to puke. His throat was wrecked, eyes glistening with water, and his head was pounding in protest, as he remembered- vividly, so much.

The isolation room was hell. It was harrowing. When he had raided Hydra, he discovered that they used Haloperidol to make him forget, restless, jittery- shake, and confined to the chair he was stuck. Couldn’t move, exert the stress they had inserted into him. It was torture. 

Sulfazin, that induced awful fevers and sweats, for which there was no cure, no saviour in black to eradicate. It was terrifying, tasting the sweet release of a harrowing death but his body always prevailed. Pushed through it because the serum refused to let him die. Wouldn’t let it end.

There was Sodium Amobarbital with LSD that caused a loss of inhib-

“-up please. Bucky, are you listening to me? Can you hear me?”

“Steve?” he gargled, confused. “Steve I”-

He didn’t manage to finish the sentence before he vomited again, and his mind throbbed with the unexplored memories and everything hurt so bad, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Just barely, he recognised a hand engross him arm. He flinched from the touch, making it disappear as fast as it came. He missed it immediately.

“Shit, Bucky we need to get you up and out of here right now. This is a mess, I need to get you out of these clothes- come on.”

He tried to protest- tried to argue no but maintaining consciousness was proving difficult that he couldn’t, blackness submerging his iris and throat closing up again. In the end, he succumbed to the darkness and fell limp on the sofa, at the mercy of Steve and the room around him. It wasn’t the first time he had passed out because of a nightmare, and if he had to guess, would not be the last either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know- I know, i'm a monster but we gotta stick through the bad to get through the good? I can't justify my actions I just love angst....so...damn....much
> 
> also, I love reading stevebucky first meetings, those are so darn cute. I hope mine met your expectations, cause ngl...I find it so funny that they beat bullies cause they interrupted their argument! these kids smh


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> character development!! hell yeaahhhh
> 
> i never know what to write here but i'll just say that cause
> 
> also, i hope you enjoy this! :)

It took him an entire week to recover. Seven days of being comatose, useless, and hurting for the pain dwelling his head to finally dissipate. When he awoke on Monday night, head the clearest it had been for a while, finally free of the fever which had been tailing him at any conscious moment, he saw that he was in his bedroom. Tucked into his bed, in clothes different from those in which he fell asleep in and a drink for him to consume. He finished it in one sip. Steve had remembered.

Tentatively, he stood on his two feet, swaying as he tried to gain confidence in his footing and sighed before exiting the room. The main lights were off, thankfully, and as he ambled down the corridor and to the stairs, he heard the TV playing lowly the show unrecognisable. So, he was still awake.

When it came into view, the flashing lights went straight to his head, piercing into the swollen iris, and pinching it relentlessly. He groaned and shielded his eyes from it immediately hoping that it wouldn’t spark anymore ache, but Steve managed to turn it off just in time. He sighed and leaned against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, becoming breathless.

Waiting there to recover, he heard Steve move, shuffle closer to him and ask quietly, “you okay, Buck?”

Indulging greedily in more gulps of air, he breathed, “getting there. Sorry for-” well everything up until that moment.

“No, no, it’s not your fault. Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat.”

“I’ll fix myself a sandwich, don’t worry about it,” he said, one arm against the wall as he plodded to the general direction of the couch. He wasn’t hungry yet.

Steve mirrored his pace. “I’ll do it for you, go lie down some more, you shouldn’t be out of bed yet.”

“I’m not hungry yet, so I will, later. Go get some sleep Steve.”

It was silent for moment. Bucky completed his trek to the couch and dropped himself onto it, laying down and closing his eyes, just to rest them. Steve must have gone. But, Steve wouldn’t be Steve if he had, and not long after Bucky heard him messing around in the kitchen. He sighed around the tiredness.

“You don’t have to do this Steve,” he said as loud as he could muster.

The reply was instantaneous, “I know, but I want to.”

Bucky knew he should have protested some more, to make more of an effort to tell Steve to not waste his time, but he wanted him to. Deep inside, he wanted to be taken care of- craved it, because he felt awful. He felt like everything was wrong in the world, and he was to blame for it, and he was worthless. Dylatov was right. He was pathetic. He was good for nothing.

He just wanted a caring touch. Drifting in a sea of peril, it was Steve who pulled him out of it before the waves submerged him. Steve who brought him something to eat and drink. Steve who requested kindly, “can I touch you?”

Bucky nodded as fast as he could. Hesitant hands touched his shoulders, firm and warm, and slowly helped lift him upright. Initially, he flinched from the direct contact, still reeling from the anxiety and Steve loosened his grip as though he was going to let go. Bucky groaned and impulsively covered his hand, so he stayed. He didn’t want him to leave just yet.

“You want me hold you up, Buck?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Of course, I don’t,” Steve said in a low voice, “I never do when it comes to you.”

Positioned upwards, Steve kept an arm around his shoulder which Bucky pathetically leaned into, absorbing all of Steve’s warmth and took the proffered sandwich from his hands. Holding it loosely in his hands, he took the smallest of bite and ate methodically, curled as much as he could under Steve. He just wanted Hydra to go away.

It was Steve who sparked the conversation, saying into the darkness, “Jake rang, said he needed to talk to you, it was important. But I told him you’ll ring back when you’re better. You weren’t…in the state for conversations.”

“How bad was I?”

Steve didn’t conceal it from him, thankfully, and laid it all out like a map informing him, “you had a fever, a really bad fever. It’d break for half an hour, and I’d try to get you to eat or drink something, but you kept on mumbling about Dylatov and didn’t manage to get anything down apart from liquids. You’ve lost a lot of weight, and I couldn’t get through to you. It was- it was like you thought you were back with them.”

“I’m sorry, you didn’t need to see that,” Bucky said, gazing at the carpet. “I’ll try to warn you next time.”

“Who is Dylatov? You kept on saying his name, and other ones too. I didn’t manage to pick the rest,” Steve questioned, not forceful with the air fit for rejection.

Eyes hardening, he heard the malicious laughter of his old teacher and replied, “Hydra. He made me into what I am.”

Hesitantly, Steve asked, “why were you saying ‘pathetic’ and ‘worthless’ all the time?”

Closing his eyes, the sandwich filled hands fell onto his lap, and he said, “don’t ask questions you don’t want an answer to.”

“And if I do?”

“I can’t give them to you, I’m sorry.”

Telling Steve would only make them more real, bring them to life and it would haunt him more viciously than they already do. He couldn’t do that to himself. Not now, not ever. Life wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t brilliant, but he was content. Despite the mind-bending migraines, the memories, and the pain, he was content.

“Come on Buck, go back to bed. You need more rest.”

“Ten minutes Stevie.”

He was asleep before those ten minutes were up, in Steve’s arm and safer he had felt since the memory had come back.

 

* * * *

 

“I’m thinking about going to Washington for a week,” Jake admitted, swirling his coffee cup in his grasp.

They were in Huda’s workplace and she had taken a twenty-minute break, leaving everything for her co-worker to manage whilst she spoke to them. Bucky was nursing his own hot chocolate (the debilitating migraines meant no caffeine, and he was still recovering from the memories two weeks later) whilst Huda was sipping tea. Steve was drawing, back at the cabin.

He had said he’d come, but Bucky could tell he wanted to sketch, looking longingly at the lake. The snow had most dissolved, revealing the brown soil after months of white, and it was refreshing. Change was coming, Spring was here, and he would move with the season. He couldn’t get stuck in the past, not now after everything. In the end, he chose to stay where he was.

Nodding, Bucky encouraged, “I think you should. Told you to before.”

“Billy’s still here, hasn’t fucked off to another country yet. I think he’s here for good.” He frowned, looking at his drink.

“You can’t avoid him forever,” Huda told him, “you have to stop running at some point.”

It was true, Bucky knew because he experienced it. All the running and hiding from Steve was pointless, Steve found him in the end. But, the time apart allowed him to reflect and recovery, so it wasn’t entirely useless.

“Do you think if I fake my own death they’ll believe me?”

“No faking your own death, you have to confront your family Jake. It’s almost been a year,” Huda instructed firmly, with intense conviction.

Jake’s head fell in understanding and agreement. Bucky felt empathetic. He knew the feeling.

“You did your avoiding, you bided your time. But now it’s time to see them again, even if Billy’s there. You’ve been prepping yourself for this moment for months. You can do it Jake, you just need to go and see for yourself,” Bucky said kindly. “It’s now or never.”

“Well that didn’t sound ominous,” Jake joked, tying to lighten the mood.

Huda and Bucky smiled fondly. “it’s up to you Jake, but we think it’s the best time now.”

“I didn’t expect you two to become such good friends when I dragged Bucky into the shop, you’re both ganging up on me,” he groaned, indulging in a large sip. “But it could’ve gone worse,” he confessed, smiling. “You’re right, maybe it is time. I can’t avoid them forever.”

“We’re in your corner pal. It is time to go and see them, at least for a week.”

Nodding, Jake sighed and said, “well, I better start looking for tickets then, shouldn’t I?”

“And time off work,” Huda reminded him.

“That too. Do you guys think you’ll be okay without me?”

Bucky rolled his eyes gently, not wanting to aggravate his head, and joked, “I’ll keep an eye on Huda, won’t let her get too stressed while you’re gone.”

“Really Bucky?” She raised an eyebrow as she stared at him. “You sure about that?”

Shrugging, he amended, “or maybe she’ll look after me.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. While I’m there, I’ll see if I can talk to my cousin about your migraines, I’m not taking no for an answer,” Jake said, stern.

“Yeah, I’ll try again too. You look scarily awful, like, like you’re going to pass out any minute now,” Huda concurred.

Bucky shook his head slowly. “I’m fine, just taking longer to recover than usual. Give me a couple of more days and I’ll be as good as new.”

“How is it that you lose so much weight every time you have a migraine- which is every week at this point, by the way- and lose all that muscle. I don’t get it.”

His body burned through it all, because when he was starving himself, it had nowhere else to acquire energy from. With his enhanced metabolism and need for more energy than the average person, he was prone to losing a lot in a matter of days, he couldn’t prevent it.

“I don’t know, fast metabolism maybe.”

Huda gave him a calculating look. “You need more calories, hold up, let me get you something to eat. Jake, you want anything?”

Perking, Jake nodded and said, “Belgian brownie,” whilst Bucky protested it. He couldn’t stomach much, still throwing up if he ate more than a few bites of a sandwich. Steve was worried, Bucky could tell, but thankfully he didn’t push or crowd him, respecting his space and never batting an eyelid when he couldn’t finish his food.

“Nope, you’re eating. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but enough to reintroduce you to the idea of food. You seem like you’ve forgotten it.”

“Steve’s trying that method and failing, I think I just need time,” he explained, hoping she would understand.

Nodding, she replied, “I get it Bucky, I really do but you really look like you need it. Just a couple of bites, and then you can complain to Steve when you go home.”

“I have a lot to complain about,” he grumbled, drinking his hot chocolate.

Huda smiled fondly. “I’m sure you do.” She went straight after to get the snacks.

“I want to take you shopping,” Jake blurted, unable to contain it any longer. “You owe me from last year.”

He chuckled, shaking his head, and agreed, “I do, don’t I?”

“New clothes, a haircut, and then we’ll think about what to do with this photography of yours. Deal?”

“What’s in it for me?” he asked, because if he was going to suffer he deserved some compensation.

“Uh, new clothes, a haircut, and something to do in your spare time?” Jake responded dumbly.

“Deal.”

They chatted aimlessly, or rather Jake relayed another work anecdote until Huda returned with food. She got herself a cake, Jake the brownie, and for Bucky a simple chocolate chip cookie. He could handle that, he was sure of it. Thanking her, Jake was quick to provide an update of their latest plans.

When he finished, she declared, pointing at him with her fork, “you’re in for a makeover, Bucky. Next week, no corner of the earth to hide you from us.”

Thinking back to his time on the run from Steve, Hydra, S.H.I.E.L.D, and every government that wanted him, he couldn’t help but laugh. They were right. There was nowhere he could hide from them two without them finding him. They were his best friends, and he could never willingly leave them. He’d probably gravitate back to them.

“Can’t wait.”

They grinned at him. “We’ll text you next week. This is going to be good.”

 

* * * *

 

 

“Bucky,” Steve said, displacing him from his intense concentration.

Jake was in Washington, sending texts almost hourly of how much he despised his brother, loved the weather, hated the noise. It was all messy and jumbled, disarray in a way that was so clearly Jake, but since Bucky was in a joint chat with him and Huda, it was easily translated. He enjoyed reading the updates, liked engaging in a conversation with them both at once, and sometimes, if he wanted to, sent images that had the other participants moaning in woe. He promised to show them the woods engrossing his house.

Whilst snapping a picture for that very reason he took it in a haste without having perfected the photograph. Checking it, he winced at his poor skill and deleted it depositing the device in his pocket and ignore the beep that signified he had received a message. Jake probably.

“Yeah?” he asked, turning away from the scenery and hopping off the rock, landing a few feet away from the tall blonde.

“Teach me how to take pictures.” It came out as a kind demand, evoking a laugh out of Bucky and ultimately, one out of Steve too.

He grinned, eyes crunching into a squint and his head lowered, shaking softly. With the sunlight scraping the tips of his blonde hair, lighting them to make them flicks of fire, he seemed to transcend all of them embodiments of beauty, all the images Bucky had ever taken. Unable to contain the urge, he grabbed the camera strapped around his neck, pressed against his chest and took a picture of Steve chuckling.

The sound of the shutter silenced them both. Raising an eyebrow, Steve didn’t need to use words to convey the evident message: why did he take the picture? Shrugging indifferently, he stated, “it’s a nice picture,” a little off defensive. Steve rolled his eyes.

“I bet it is. Now, how about that lesson, yeah? I want to learn.”

“Patience, Stevie, you need to be patient. Heard of that?” Bucky questioned, unclasping the camera from around his neck and setting it to default, establishing the simplest of settings for Steve.

After months of practice and learning, he knew how to use the camera, could choose his own settings to get the best picture, adjusting the image on the screen to achieve the best outcome. Photography was an infatuation for him now, a hobby, something to do solitarily without the need of anyone else. He could look after himself. He didn’t need Hydra, or Steve, or even his latest friends, he could make do by his own company. But he knew now that he didn’t have to.

“I don’t like waiting, I’m more of a do now, regret later sort of person.”

Bucky fixed him with a pointed look and muttered under his breath, “don’t I fucking know it.”

Judging the grin that was glued to his face, Steve had heard him loud and clear. “So, what’s taking so long Barnes?”

“I’m trying to sort out the settings. Beginners like you work on default.”

“Let me know if you’ll finish in this century, I’ve got plans for the next.”

Bucky chuckled. “No more century hopping, we’re stuck here now, can’t go into the ice every time you want something new.”

“I want those flying cars Howard talked about. Remember those?”

He did, vividly, because that was the night Steve met Erskine, the scientist who would change his life forever. For societal reasons he had to stay with the girls, people were quick to gossip in those times, but he wished he hadn’t. Playing up to expectations meant he missed Steve’s growth and the process towards becoming Captain America.

The car fascinated Bucky. He gushed internally, projecting the largest grin he could muster and couldn’t wait to return to Steve to tell him. But he never did get the chance, the excitement and wonder was suppressed after that night.

“Yeah, I never knew what love was until I saw that car,” Bucky replied, wistful and reminiscent. He was also exaggerating, but Steve didn’t have to know.

“Well I heard from some reliable sources that they’re in the future. We’re getting there, Buck,” Steve stated, accepting the camera when Bucky offered it to him.

Nodding, his lips turned thin and he added, “just no more ice, yeah? It’s cold enough without it.”

“No more ice,” Steve promised, nodding solemnly. They would reach their destination soon enough, without the help of cryonic preservation.

“So, your memory is as good as it going to get now?” Steve asked conversationally, fondling the device in his hand and peering through it, familiarising himself with the object.

Shrugging, Bucky aimed for nonchalance whilst he looked around for something to take pictures of, and said, “I’m always remembering things. Out of the ice the brain heals itself, it’s a long process but I’m getting most of them back. There’s too much to remember it all.” And some of it too traumatising.

He didn’t remember a lot about his family or the people he had killed for Hydra, the part of his brain was gone. He understood why he couldn’t remember assassinations, it made sense. But why he remembered vague memories of his family in relation to someone else he couldn’t explain.

He hated it because how could he miss people he couldn’t remember? How could he connect with them when he only knew their names? He hated it. Loathed it. They deserved better than a brother and son like him, and he wished he was worthy of the familial love he could’ve sought if he knew them.

But he was okay, he lied to himself, he had a new family. He was slowly on the road to acceptance that perhaps he could only love them objectively, but it didn’t diminish the significance of those who crafted the old Bucky Barnes into who he was. Who he is now.

Steve’s expression seemed that of understanding, that he empathised with Bucky. Perhaps he did, after all, they were both men out of their time. If someone could relate to him it would be Steve, with less torture and more impulse. But still Steve nonetheless. They were always a pair, in every sense and form.

“Yeah, most of its better forgotten.”

Bucky looked down at his feet. Sighing gently, he looked up and told Steve, pointing at the area, “aim and click. Everything’s automatic, so it’ll do it itself.”

Teasingly, Steve grinned and said, “oh, smart, aren’t we? You adapted well to photography.”

Obliging, Steve began to do as instructed, whilst Bucky snorted sitting down on a large rock and peering at the trees. His cap was covering his face from sunlight that couldn’t reach him, and he was camouflaged by the trees, invisible. Like a ghost. A myth.

“Get with the times Steve, it’s 2015. Can’t be stuck in the past all your life.”

“Is it?” Steve paused his session to give Bucky an incredulous luck. “Damn! And here I thought it was 1950. I must have travelled too far.”

“Just take your pictures Rogers, if they’re any good I’ll feed you something other than Huda’s leftovers and pizza,” he proffered, nodding casually in his direction. “You’d be a fool to let this opportunity slide.”

Looking down at him, Steve smirked. “You’re on Barnes. I’m going to take a picture that’s going to leave you speechless.”

“That’s a difficult task, you sure you up for it? Nothing takes the words right out of my mouth.”

“Don’t you worry,” Steve assured, “I’ll find something all right, I want a three-course meal prepared by you.”

“Deal,” Bucky stated, gazing into Steve’s eyes. “I wish you luck Steven, let me know if you find anything worthwhile. And by that, I mean, surprising.”

Closing his eyes, body slumping against the stone, he listened to Steve attentively. Disabling other senses heightened the ones he’d use, a skill he developed when his senses were compromised courtesy of his time in captivation. Ever since he could do it at will, imperative for his job but also a good life hack.

So tuning into Steve, he listened to him move around the clearing, snapping pictures and getting to know the area. It was never silent for too long, there was always some noise in the background, even if it was the birds chirping. They sounded happy, Bucky mused, welcoming of the new season. So, that was how the animals reacted.

He couldn’t judge them, not when he was finding this transition from cold to warm magical. It was tranquil, inspiring, and hopeful, in all the ways he expected when he first arrived in the woods. They exceeded his expectations, and he was yet to witness the shift in its entirety.  He was eager, just like the animals he loved, and he was enthusiastic to share the experience with Steve. The same Steve, who seemed much happier, and less worn down.

Bucky knew he spoke with the Avengers, not daily, but enough for them to know Bucky hadn’t killed him, so they needn’t worry by coming to check up on him. Bucky watched the town and woods constantly, to ensure nobody had breached his quarters and so far, no one did. He was glad they hadn’t. Possibly because Steve was talking animatedly again, there was a familiar passion in his words, a challenge and contentment that hadn’t existed when he first arrived.

It wasn’t only Steve like that, in fact Bucky had bloomed too, more than the Soldier could’ve ever once conceived. Jake, Huda, and Steve helped make him more human as every day progressed. He was always learning, adapting, and trying. In the end, the cabin hadn’t only become his refuge, but Steve’s too. Buying it was the best decision he ever made.

It allowed him to meet two of the best people he’d ever known and presented the opportunity of finally making peace with the one thing from the past that he truly remembered, Steve. Running wasn’t his first option, hell, he was adamant in fighting Hydra until it killed him, but now he had a fragment of what this life could offer, stability, choice, and even something like family; he never wanted to let go. He made the right decision.

Opening his eyes, peering at Steve who decided to climb a tree of all things to take the picture, he nodded to himself. It was the right decision after all.

He spent the time leading up to Steve’s possible success ruminating, figuring out what his current stance on his life was. It wasn’t perfect, far from it, with the migraines, the memories, the paranoia, it did get overwhelming at times. But considering his circumstances, and the events which allowed for such a moment to be bred, he had done good. He made do with what he had, and that was all he could ask from himself.

Nothing more, and nothing less. 

It took years for his forest to assemble and grow, decades to harvest flowers and circumstances which helped life flourish, nothing was an overnight process. Anything worth having took time, and he had to be patient with himself.

Since he arrived at the cabin, to that moment, he had changed drastically. He was an entirely new person, which when he thought back to, was truly riveting. By giving himself the time and space, he blossomed. There was no pressure, no craving to figure out indefinitely who he was, he just let it happen. Which is why he had things he could have never imagined.

He needed to continue his approach to life and take things as they came. If he could survive Hydra and the countless murders, if he could survive betraying and almost killing someone who was once his everything, then he could survive anything. That was all the confirmation he needed. Bucky Barnes has survived, could survive, and would survive.

“I’m done,” Steve said, causing Bucky to open his eyes and look at him.

The sun was slowly fading behind the clouds, and it was getting chilly. Bucky decided to head back soon. Sitting up, he looked at Steve expectantly.

“You sure you done? Once I judge these, there’s no going back. My verdict won’t change.”

“Just check them out, stop being so dramatic. They’re amazing.” Steve rolled his eyes, confident and certain.

Bucky shrugged, just to play up and apprehended the camera. Retrieving the images, he scrolled through them one by one, gallery full of pictures of just about everything. Whilst swiping, he came across some that were taken near him, scenery that was familiar. Looking up at Steve briefly, he saw a sheepish smile, a little bit of smugness and high expectancy. He resumed looking.

Three pictures later, he found himself gazing at himself, eyes closed and laid on a piece of rock. Monitoring his reaction, he examined the photo watchful eyes scrutinising his horrifying eyebags, his sunken cheekbones, messy hair, dried lips, and pale face. He looked terrible, worse than he had even anticipated.

Quickly passing by them, he saw that Steve hadn’t only taken one picture, but a handful, all of Bucky looking equally as disgusting. He knew he looked rough, he had for a long, long time now. But that opened his eyes. He was a manifestation of all his struggles, an embodiment of the lost years he spent in Hydra’s clutches, and it made him feel unsettled. He didn’t want to show this side of him, the one that would never recover. No, he wanted to reinvent himself, change for the better, showcase his forest.

He had to start looking after himself.

Looking through the rest of the pictures, he eventually turned off the camera and deposited it in his pocket, to put in his backpack later. Sighing, he looked at Steve forlornly and shook his head, making a face of pity.

“I’m sorry Steve, but they were satisfactory at best. Not exactly eye-catching,” Bucky told him, sympathetic. “I suppose leftover pizza it is.”

“No, I think they were just about right,” Steve replied, smirking cryptically. Bucky’s eyes scrunched as he stared. What? “But you’re right, they weren’t professional like yours. I should just stick with pen and paper, what I do best.”

Nodding slowly, Bucky agreed, “you were always a traditional guy.”

Steve hummed in assent easily and smiled at him. “So, you want to take any more pictures, or shall we go? I’m craving pizza.”

“Sure, let’s go. It takes me a while having to reheat food when we get home anyway,” Bucky said in the passing, reaching the stone to retrieve his backpack.

When he realised what he said, he couldn’t prevent stiffening, because he had done it. Steve had integrated himself into Bucky’s life, weaved himself into everything Bucky had to offer, and made himself a place. Bucky’s home was slowly starting to become Steve’s.

Rising into a standing position, he didn’t meet Steve’s stare and cleared his throat. Wincing at his spontaneity, he added, “it shouldn’t take us long, twenty minutes max.”

Steve didn’t let his slip up go unnoticed. Joining his side, he looked around nonchalantly, and asked, “home?” because of course he would bring it up. Why wouldn’t he? He was Steve after all.

“It just slipped out,” Bucky explained, not quite defensive, but ready nonetheless.

Steve hummed. “I like it. Was planning on moving out of the tower but never got around to it, guess I don’t have to anymore.”

 “Well, what’s mine is yours. It’s always been like that pal.”

“I wouldn’t say always, after all, I did sort of force myself in,” Steve countered, sounding a tad regretful, but mostly determined. Like he did what he had to. Bucky didn’t disagree. “But it turned out alright in the end.”

“Sure did,” Bucky conceded, “it took us a while, but we’re getting there. You’re looking better.”

“Feeling better,” Steve snorted, running a hand through his hair. “After Ultron, I thought everything was over, it was a shit show everywhere I looked. And then Natasha, I think she took pity on me, said she knew where you are, if I wanted to give it one last try and I took it. Didn’t think it through?”

“So, you didn’t even know if I was stable?”

Steve looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “You’re not stable.”

“Shut up,” Bucky huffed, laughing, and he nudged him with his shoulder. He didn’t regret it immediately afterwards.

“No, I didn’t, but I figured I had nothing to lose and went for it. Sam came along, just to make sure I didn’t die or anything and because he was worried about me too. I think he thought I’d provoke you into attacking me? I don’t know. I just needed sometime away, and you apparently. Helps me heal.”

Pointedly ignoring the last bit, Bucky informed him, “that’s not surprising, it’s always been like that, you remember your ma’s funeral?”

_Bucky strolled into the flat, front door carelessly unlocked, and home seemingly void of life. He couldn’t seem to find Steve upon first glance and walked to the kitchen area to see if he was there. Apart from pristine, idle surfaces and appliances, there was nothing._

_Leaving the area, he went towards the bedrooms praying profusely that Steve wasn’t in his ma’s old room and entered his. In the bed was a small lump, scarily still and stoic, engulfed in darkness as the curtains were drawn, preventing the setting sun from illuminating it one last time. Stepping inside, footsteps equivalating to thunder in the silent abyss, he sat at the edge of the bed, just at his hip._

_Gently, he placed a hand on Steve’s shoulder and squeezed, trying to be reassuring. “You just going to lay in bed for the rest of eternity?”_

_It was quiet for a moment, time momentarily buffered, before a muffled, thick voice retorted, “if that’s what it takes.”_

_“Takes for what?”_

_“For me to see her again.”_

_Bucky nodded. “You got room for another in that thing? I’d like a ticket to board too.”_

_Steve shuffled. “I know what you’re trying to do but it ain’t working. I just want some quiet. Please.”_

_“Alright, I’ll just sit here, you rest. We’ll talk when you wake up. That okay?”_

_Steve didn’t reply, done with the conversation, and Bucky left him to it. He got himself more comfortable in his seat, leaning against the headboard and leg concealed partly by the blanket. Steve didn’t move once, undisturbed by the infestation and when Bucky stopped fidgeting, inclined closer to him. Bucky’s heart soared in his chest._

_He really did love Steve Rogers._

Steve turned to look at him, eyes suddenly less vibrant but happy nevertheless, there was a muted sadness behind them. That was when Bucky realised it was during those difficult months, living together, healing and looking for apartments to rent, that they fell in love. Defied all odds. Steve was thinking just that.

“Yeah, I do. You remember being with me throughout it all?” Steve asked, desperate to see just how much Bucky remembered.

He shrugged. “It’s grainy at best,” he lied. But he had to. He had to protect Steve.

“Oh, well, you were. Refused to leave, adamant punk. And forced me to rent an apartment with you. Such dark times.” Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t force you to do anything. You liar.”

“Captain America never lies,” Steve proclaimed, honest and solemn.

“Yeah, well Steve Rogers does. Has a filthy mouth from lying so much,” Bucky responded, nudging him again. Maybe he just wanted to feel Steve in any way he could? “Don’t think you can fool me.”

“You were always jealous of my poker face.”

“Good to know you’re still delusional. Just minus the fevers.”

“I’m more than just delusional, I’ll have you know.”

Bucky facepalmed and groaned, ignoring Steve’s booming laugh. “You make me regret inviting you.”

“Come on Buck don’t be like that.”

“You’re not even making sense at this point.”

Steve laughed all the way home. It felt good saying that.

When they got there, Bucky replied to Jake.

 **Bucky** : murder is illegal                 

-and then changed into something comfortable, whilst Steve claimed he was going to shower. He didn’t know what to make for dinner, he needed Steve to let him know, so waited for him to get out of the shower. While doing so, he turned on the TV, putting on a movie about talking animals (Zootopia turned out to be one of the best movies he’d ever seen) and transferred his pictures onto his laptop.

He had a folder for Steve especially, placing all his handiwork into it and then scrolled through just to see some of the old captures. There were plenty, having accumulated many over the months. Looking through some, he found one of Steve laughing wholeheartedly, head back and hand clutching his chest, bundled up, ready for the world.

Smiling at it, Bucky remembered the day clearly, it was another attempt to find the wolves that Steve had become attached to. Bucky couldn’t help indulging him, after all, he too loved the pack, they were beautiful. Whilst joking around, Steve couldn’t stop laughing and Bucky held himself back and took the picture. Steve didn’t realise thankfully, preoccupied by his laughter, but it was one of Bucky favourites.

There were others too, all candid of course, some of Steve admiring the scenery, others of him sketching, eating, even climbing. Bucky had assembled enough to give the Smithsonian a run for its money, but it was a private collection. For his eyes only. Just to make himself feel less like a creep, he managed to snag some of Huda, even Jake when they weren’t looking, even some when they were.

Huda was surprised at first, blinking three times and then looking at him quizzically, saying, “okay?” But, she didn’t mind, and even requested some pictures to post on Instagram. Bucky didn’t know what that was but she was going to teach him apparently. When she was less busy. Jake, on the other hand, was completely on board, posing in different angles and even demanding a paid photoshoot. Bucky rolled his eyes and told him to fuck off. Huda called it character development.

So, it wasn’t just Steve, or Huda, or Jake. Bucky was experimenting on people photography, nothing more. It wasn’t creepy. Or so he said. He wasn’t sure if that’s what he was trying to convince himself.

Eventually, some point during the movie and photo transfer, Steve returned and plopped himself on the couch, watching the film. His hair was wet, matte against his forehead, and the jumper he wore was familiar. Not his. Bucky’s. Bucky liked it.

“What are we eating tonight?” Steve asked, penetrating the silence.

Bucky shrugged. “You’re choice. I was thinking maybe we could go to the diner, grab a bite with Huda.”

“Sounds good, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her. She good?”

“Stressed about college, but she’s alright. I think a break will do her some good.”

“You think she’ll agree?” Steve asked.

Bucky shrugged. “Time to find out.”

It took some coaxing, but in the end, she agreed. She stated she would complain thoroughly the whole time, but she’d bless them with her presence after being deprived for so long. Bucky rolled his eyes.

When she walked into the diner, casual and tired, Steve waved her over flashing a brilliant smile. Huda seemed immune and glared. Sitting down in front of them, she grumbled and drank some water, before acknowledging them. “Finals are going to kill me.”

“At least you’ll die looking great,” Steve offered supportively, but that didn’t seem to console her. Instead she looked at Bucky.

Raising an eyebrow, she asked, “what’s your excuse for dressing like…that?”

He didn’t even have one. “I need new clothes.”

“Yeah you do,” she groaned, head falling onto the table. “Ugh, can one of you please order for me? I want to wallow in self-pity.”

Sympathetically, Bucky asked, “lasagne good?”

She nodded solemnly. “It’ll do. Thank you.”

Steve ordered for them, reciting the orders like he was meant to, and then addressed the elephant in the room. “Huda, wallowing in self-pity won’t help you achieve anything, you gotta fight it head on.”

“Steve, why are you so positive? Sob with me,” she grumbled, prompting a laugh from him, and he shook his head.

“No can do, someone’s got to stay positive with you two around.”

Huda looked at Bucky. “You’ve got my back Bucky, don’t you? Want to have a mental breakdown with me?”

He stifled a laugh and declined, “I have plenty as it is. I’ll pass.”

Raising her head from the table, she frowned at them and stated, “you’re no fun. Friends are supposed to have each other’s back. Not leave them in their time of need.”

“You’re going to ace your exams Huda,” Steve assured. “I don’t remember doing mine-”

“Because you failed,” Bucky interrupted through a murmur. Steve purposely ignored it, smirking a little.

“-but I ended up doing okay. Just believe in yourself, you’re more than capable of getting through this. And I mean, if you’re struggling, you’ve got me and Bucky to help. Granted we don’t know anything about astronomy, or physics, or science in general. But we can still help!”

Bucky scoffed, just to lighten the mood some more, and declared, “speak for yourself Rogers, I’m brilliant at all of those.”

“Oh yeah? Name all of the planets,” Huda challenged, smirking along with Steve who harboured a smug expression, obviously aware of Bucky’s issue. He didn’t know anything about any of those.

“I don’t have to prove myself,” he proclaimed, smiling despite himself, and continued, “so you’re out of luck. But hey, nice try. Maybe some other time.”

“Yeah.” Huda leaned back and spoke to Steve, “he doesn’t know anything. But thanks for offering Steve, it’s the thought that counts.”

Her reply was a sincere smile. Bucky rolled his eyes, and said, “you’re welcome Huda. Don’t mention it.”

“Oh, I won’t. Don’t worry!”

Steve broke out in a laugh, shoulders quaking at the response. Bucky nudged him, muttering, “asshole,” under his breath. Steve merely ignored him in favour of chuckling. It was somewhat cute.

“Anyway, I’m planning a couple of things. For when Jake is back,” Bucky explained, capturing Huda’s attention. “Check out the forest near my house, take some pictures and stuff.”

Contemplatively, she nodded, drinking some more water. “Sounds good, we just have to wait for my exams to finish. I’m going to Pakistan on the 9th of July, so we can go whenever before then. I don’t mind.”

“Is there anything else you want to do? We won’t be seeing you for the entire summer, right?” Bucky couldn’t admit it, but he’d miss Huda. Two months was a long time to be away, and Bucky wanted to spend time with her before she left.

“I can’t think of anything right now, brains fried. But if something comes up I’ll let you know,” Huda answered, and Steve glanced at Bucky, gauging his reaction at her specific terminology.

He remained neutral, unwilling to respond to that word, but he did look at Steve afterwards and tried to smile, consoling. Hydra essentially fried his brains, threw it into a blaze and doused it in petrol so the flames never extinguished. He lost a lot to the afflictions, but with his brain regenerating he was earning it again. The painful process had some good to it.

“That’s fine.” Bucky nodded in assent. “So, how’s the studying going?”

Huda dove into her explanation, explaining the Tesseract, Chitauri, planet and stars, constellation, life, and processes. Hell, she even mentioned Thor, Steve’s Avenger friend who was not completely earthly, informing them of what she had been taught. Where she was confused, Steve confided her, providing the missing puzzle pieces, engaging with her truly.

Even when the food came their conversation didn’t cease, Huda clung onto everything Steve said, especially regarding the alien technology they found under Hydra. Since all the documents were revealed when Widow infiltrated Hydra/SHIELD everyone was aware of the events. But documents could not provide vivid recollections like those who had experienced it, so Steve told her, with minimal aid from Bucky, enlightening her of a time he had lived under the pretence of being a history teacher.

She didn’t intervene much, though did question the authenticity of some of the information but was consoled by the promise of sources. The dinner lasted longer than most of them expected, and at the end of it, Huda and Steve were baffled to see how much time had truly passed during their discussion.

She said goodbye shortly after, but not before asking Bucky, “can I hug you? Just this once. You saved my life.”

Smiling tenderly, he shook his head, saying, “I did nothing, and of course you can Huda.”

Permission granted, she stepped in front of him, reaching his chin and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, on her toes. Bucky enclosed her and squeezed reassuringly, hoping she couldn’t hear his erratic heart and held her. Like a balloon released of its stress, she deflated in his grasp, sighing near his ear, and whispered, “thank you.”

Pulling back, her lips were contorted in a gentle expression and she thanked Steve. “Thanks Steve, you’re a life saver. We need to continue this conversation some other time, yeah? Something tells me you’ve got more to share.”

Grinning, he affirmed, “yeah, yeah I do. I’m free whenever you are, just let me know.”

“Make sure you have your sources ready, because I’ll be crosschecking them,” she said, expression in faux stern, and then she left, leaving the diner more easily and liberated than how she arrived. Bucky’s heart eased.

Turning to Steve, he enquired, “so, you’re a history professor now?”

Steve shrugged sheepishly. “She needed help and I had the answers. Seemed wrong not to say something.”

Bucky gave him a considering look. “Well played Rogers, well played. Now let’s go, I’ve got stuff to do.”

He couldn’t profess this aloud, but Bucky was grateful that his friends were getting along so well. It made him feel good, accomplished. That was a rarity, so he cherished it for a long as it lasted. After all, who knew when it’d return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that hug between Huda and Bucky makes me soft,,, and Steve being such good friends with Huda makes me happy


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its cuteeeee

They took turns sleeping on the bed.

After the last debilitating migraine, Bucky hadn’t had any and nor had he remembered any major events. Steve was incessant, refused to take no for an answer like the stubborn punk he was, and insisted Bucky slept on the bed. It was his house, his room Steve was invading, and he was more in need of comfort than he was. Or so, Steve’s reasoning went.

Bucky, just as stubborn as him, blatantly refused claiming he wouldn’t sleep on bed even if the world split into two. They both glared at each other. It was then they reached a ceasefire where they decided to take turns. So, three days Steve slept on the bed, and four days he did.

It was easy, it worked. That was the closest Bucky would ever get to sleep with Steve, so he treasured those nights on the bed, knowing he’d never have the real thing by his side. But that wasn’t it, other things revealed themselves too. They were compatible.

They worked with and around each other. Bucky knew they lived together, though he didn’t remember anything indicating how or the mechanics behind their actions, and he figured they must have been good roommates despite the love which is why they lasted so long. But he couldn’t remember just exactly how, and so, when he and Steve began to work through the chores: Bucky cooking, Steve washing and drying, it seemed familiar.

Bucky would do the laundry, and Steve would put the wet clothes in the drier. Bucky would vacuum, Steve would mop. So, they were compatible. They worked exceptionally well as housemates. It should’ve bothered him more, how quickly they adopted these roles and how he didn’t even anticipate it. But he couldn’t. It meant that Hydra had failed somewhere.

Jake was back, after spending nearly two weeks in Washington with his family, and he returned with a roar. He insisted they all meet him at his home, accompanied with as much food as they could carry because he was famished after the journey. He may also have mentioned to Bucky that Steve’s muscles were promising, and he was expecting him to carry at least four things. Apparently, his own had diminished during the steady recovery and would barely manage to handle two plates. Bucky told him to fuck off and promised to be there.

They had enjoyed an easy evening together, exchanging anecdotes of what they did whilst Jake was away-

“I hugged Bucky.”

“What? No way! I want a hug.”

-and listening to Jake’s recounts of his time in Washington after they hugged. Bucky let him, he seemed like he needed it. He also harboured news on how to alleviate the menacing migraines Bucky suffered from. He explained some of the causes of it, such as memory issues, genetics, cancer, and tried to obtain information on Bucky’s. Steve seemed vaguely uncomfortable, enough so that Bucky shook his head, denying all of them. Jake told him that as long as it wasn’t cancer, he’d let it go. Bucky assured him it wasn’t. He couldn’t get ill like that anymore.

He gave Bucky a few tips but nothing more, insisting he visit a doctor himself so they could provide him with some medicine. He declined. Doctors were scientists with a different degree and after Hydra, he was sworn off them all.

After the meal, the conversations and the laughs, Bucky promised to text them the details to their visit so they could come and explore. Jake was excited, demanding they plan it immediately, but Bucky laughed and left with a smile. He was looking forward to it.

It was the second week of April and Huda had a month left until her exams. Jake implored that she joined them, to not postpone it using her thorough studying as an excuse to have a break. Bucky didn’t know how he did it, but she agreed in the end, which is why they were all stood in his garden geared up and ready to explore. Jake was bouncing in his spot.

“You guys sure you got everything?” Bucky asked, securing his own backpack in place. “We won’t be back for a while.”

“Positive Bucky,” Jake insisted. “Now show me some lions!”

Steve laughed as Huda rolled her eyes and said, “trust me, when you see them, you won’t be this excited.”

Recalling Steve’s first animal encounter, Bucky chuckled, shaking his head fondly. It had been quite the experience. “If you listen to me, hopefully nothing will go wrong. I’m good at this.”

“Maybe you should become a Ranger, you seem to be good with animals,” Huda commented casually, making an impressed face.

Bucky broke out in a grin. “Maybe I should. You’re always trying to find me potential jobs.”

“I’m just saying. You could even start a charity.”

Jake’s face lit up drastically, as though he was infused with light itself, he beamed and exclaimed, “I’ve got it! I know what Bucky can do.”

“Yeah, and what do you propose?” he asked.

“He can auction off his pictures and start a charity. Something to do with animals or earth preservation. That way, his job will have a purpose accommodating to him. God Bucky, you can travel the world! Think of places you’ll visit, the people you’ll meet, the work you’ll get done. It’s perfect for you,” Jake breathed, the spark in his eyes dilating his pupil completely. He seemed mesmerised by his own idea.

Nodding contemplatively, Huda remarked, “not a bad idea. He can turn his hobby into his job, he’ll have found his purpose- that is, if you haven’t already. Working with animals and helping them, it’s perfect for you. I’m in. All in favour of Bucky starting a charity say ‘ay’.”

“’Ay’,” came the chorused reply. Bucky smiled. A charity was a good idea. He had enough money to last him two lifetimes, and too much free time on his hands. It was time to elaborate his passion, use it to help. It was time for him to fulfil his purpose.

“Uh, ‘ay’, I guess?”

“Great,” Huda settled. “We’ll talk plans when we go shopping. This is happening. You can’t stop fate. For now, let’s proceed with the lions.”

“Okay then. Onwards we go,” Bucky decided, smiling privately at an amused Steve.

They sought into the forest, chatting as they did. Apart from a few insects there was nothing to see, not that Bucky expected anything less. To even catch a glimpse of what they desired they would have to journey further into the canopy of trees and away from the cabin. Those animals didn’t wander near his home unless they wanted water desperately. Then, from the far end of the lake, they would drink.

Jake remained enthusiastic about the walk, marching ahead like he was born to do it. Behind Bucky, Steve and Huda were talking about the Tesseract again, exchanging information about the blue cube in order to understand the complex orb. Leaving them be, he joined Jake up ahead and walked beside him in a companionable silence. It didn’t last long.

“You kept this hidden from me for so long Barnes, I’m not sure if I should forgive you.”

“I’m sure you’ll find it somewhere inside you to forgive me Jake,” he chuckled, eyes scanning their perimeter, ears alert.

Humming to himself, Jake decided, “I’m not so sure. I mean you’re happier now than I’ve ever seen you, more confident in yourself and us. But I don’t think that’s good enough for me to excuse you.”

“So, my development means nothing to you?” he confirmed, eyebrow raised.

“Fuck off.” Jake grinned brightly. “I care the most about it. Even more than you. I live for this development Bucky, you don’t even come close. Stop trying to steal my position.”

“I’m just saying pal.” Bucky smirked.

“Well don’t, I’m proud of how far you’ve come and even me. We’re both doing good. Better even. You made two new friends and I made two new friends, you and Steve- I give my blessings by the way. We’re both on a roll here. And if you start a charity, think about how many more people you’ll befriend! See? This is what I like to see. Doing stuff you like, not being torn down by your co-workers and enjoying the work you do every day. The sense of fulfilling your purpose-”

“You quit your job,” Bucky said knowingly, interrupting Jake as he stared at him intently. “I’m proud of you Jake. You were too good for them.”

Jake sighed with a nod. “You perceptive bastard- yeah, you’re right. I did.  Yesterday evening, collected my last pay check and quit. Decided I don’t want to work for entitled snobs like them anymore, it wasn’t worth the stress.”

“You did good. You weren’t happy there and it was about time you stopped letting them walk all over you,” Bucky commended, nudging Jake’s shoulder with a tap.

Jake grinned and shook his head, nudging Bucky back and eventually leaving his shoulder beside his. It felt good, touching Jake. Like he was worthy of contact. Like he was growing.

“Thanks man. I appreciate it. My parents weren’t too happy about my decision, told me to, ‘look at Bill, see how well he’s doing.’ but I don’t care. I did what I had to.”

“And you did the right thing, trust me. I had to work two jobs when I was younger than you just to get some food on the table, Steve was ill a lot so it was hard to pay for groceries and medicine. But the first thing I learnt about the adult way of life, is that things won’t work out if you don’t enjoy the work that you’re doing. S’why I had to quit so many, it wasn’t working out for me.”

“That was risky, quitting jobs when you were already struggling.”

Bucky nodded. “It was but look at me now. I’m here, alive and well, and so is Steve. I took the risks and yeah, we might have missed a couple of dinners in a row, but we made do with what we had. It was all we could do. You should feel content doing what you have to for such a long time. Makes it worthwhile.”

He didn’t mention the depression. The death. The bodies that decorated the streets. The suffering. The Wall Street crash meant that nobody could live in contentment, they had to survive with what they had. It was definitely not that easy.

“That’s…strangely inspiring.”

Bucky shrugged, kicking a stone as they walked. “Bottom line is, you have to do something you don’t mind waking up every day for. If you can’t, then is it even worth it?”

“Thanks. I wasn’t too sure I made the right decision, but now… I guess I’m more certain. I wasn’t enjoying life there, I guess it’s because they were harassing me, but I thought maybe they’d stop. Finally accept me, you know? They never did, unsurprisingly, and I just had enough.” Jake smiled at him softly, and Bucky couldn’t help but reciprocate.

“Huda and I will always support you, as long as it’s nothing stupid. We’re in your corner,” Bucky told him, as supportive as he could.

“I know,” Jake agreed. Sighing loudly, he whistled, asking, “I bet you never expected us to become such good friends, did you? I thought you’d break my neck eventually, because I’m so annoying. But who knew, James Bucky Barnes likes annoying, childish people?”

Rolling his eyes, he said, “I’m only friends with you because of Huda. She makes the nicest hot chocolate I’ve ever had.”

Grinning, Jake said loudly, “I know the truth Bucky! You like me.”

“Nope, I never said that.”

“I’m your best friend!”

“Enemy. You’re my enemy.”

“We’re b-f-f’s!”

“What is going on here?” Huda asked, raising an eyebrow as Jake stared at Bucky smiling stupidly. Bucky rolled his eyes. Again.

Opening his mouth to reply, Jake beat him to it, declaring, “Bucky said I’m his best friend. I’m the best thing that ever happened to him.”

“Want to explain what’s going here Buck?” Steve asked, face adorned with a grin of his own.

“Not you too,” he groaned.

“I think we all know that I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. I’m practically a blessing for you all,” Huda announced, trying to hide her growing smile. Bucky chuckled despite himself.

“You’re all delusional. Delusional I say,” he professed, tugging his hair behind his ear and shaking his head fondly.

“Are we Bucky? Are we really?” Jake asked, eyes squinting as he moved his face closer to him.

Laughing, Bucky gently pushed him back and demanded, “shut up, I’m on duty here. You’re distracting me.”

“From what exactly?”

Looking back at Steve, he said purposefully, “from keeping you idiots safe. Lord knows I’ve been doing it for you since we met.”

“Some things never change,” Steve grinned. “You always gotta look out for poor ol’ Stevie.”

“Well, you’re lacking in the poor and old department but okay. I’m guessing this is their foreplay,” Huda muttered to Jake, who was watching their exchange with interest.

Bucky’s cheeks burned, and he looked at them unimpressed, asking, “don’t you have something to do? Like take pictures?”

Smirking knowingly, Huda stated, “yeah, we do actually. Why don’t you help us out? You’re the pro here after all.”

“Your wish is my command,” Bucky muttered, giving them pointed looks, and walking away from Steve he wandered over to them.

Instructing them on where to stand, how to stand in some cases- _Jake_ , he took pictures of them (and Steve, though no one had to know that). The sun was out, the thaw had officially occurred, not an ounce of snow left, and the rich scent of spring enchanted their noses. It was completely transformed.

The first animal they encountered was a bear. Innocuous and busy, eating away a dead carcass in the distance as the pictures were clicked. Steve was the first to notice. Tapping Bucky curiously on the shoulder, when Bucky lowered the camera he followed the pointy finger and saw the giant male(?) feeding.

Mouth turning agape, he instinctively told them to hush, taking slow steps in its direction. He wasn’t too sure, but he was certain they had acute, sensitive smell and impeccable hearing.  So, maybe it could hear them from where they were located. He couldn’t risk attracting unwanted attention. Especially not when he had Huda, Jake, and Steve with him.

“Alright, there’s a bear in our vicinity and he looks big and angry- or happy, I don’t know. I’m not a bear whisperer,” Bucky informed them, pointing in the general direction when they surrounded him. Steve pressed completely against his back. He leaned in.

“Wow, he looks pissed,” Jake mumbled, awe and amazement.

“I could take him,” Steve stated, the serum-enhanced, confident bastard. The bear stood onto his two hind legs and roared a yawn. Bucky felt Steve grimace. “Maybe,” he amended.

Grinning, Bucky looked back at him and tapped his forehead three times, saying, “that’s what I thought.”

Steve stuck his tongue out cheekily and nudged him. They came even closer somehow, and Bucky wasn’t complaining.

“He is actually beautiful,” Huda mumbled, amazed. Bucky spared her a glance.

“He is.”

“Well, if you ignore the blood, the claws, the teeth, the height, and the growling, yeah he can be. Like an oversized teddy bear,” Jake discounted, face scrunched as he clearly tried to visualise it. Steve chuckled, chest rumbling behind Bucky.

“Medvezhonok,” Bucky murmured absently.

“I don’t see it,” Steve stated, shaking his head.

“Maybe because he isn’t an oversized teddy bear, but a predator who could take you on? You too Terminator, you’re not a match for him,” Huda said, glancing at them.

“Who’s the Terminator?” Bucky asked.

Jake audibly gasped, dramatic and loud, almost attracting the bears unwanted attention. They halted the conversation for a tense few seconds as they stared to ensure he hadn’t. Thankfully, the bear didn’t look in their direction because he was ignoring them or simply did not care. Bucky did care and glared at Jake. Huda punched his arm.

“Ow!” He exclaimed in a whisper. “It’s not my fault Bucky doesn’t know who the Terminator is. This is a national outrage! But, let’s forget that for a minute. Bucky what language was that?”

Frowning, he asked, “what do you mean?”

“Just now,” Jake clarified. “You said something in another language when we were talking about bears. What was it? Something like med- medve- medve- I don’t know. come on, you don’t remember saying it?”

“Medvezhonok?” he wondered.

Jake nodded excitedly. “Yeah, that! What language is it?”

“Uh, Russian?”

“You can speak Russian?” Jake questioned, staring at him with unwavering intensity. He shrugged.

“Yeah. And English, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Russian, Latin, and Japanese. French too.”

Bucky had never seen jaws drop so quickly. Huda stared at him offended, Jake was bouncing with too many emotions for him to decipher, and Steve looked proud albeit sad. He wasn’t sure how to react.

“You’re telling me,” Huda started slowly, “that you can speak so many languages and we didn’t know until now?”

He nodded, saying, “yeah, was I supposed to tell you?”

“Well, no, but Bucky! These are things you share with your friends, talents and hobbies,” Huda explained.

Jake cut her off before she could continue. “Say…Jake is amazing in-”

“Okay first of all no, let’s focus on the Terminator please?” Huda asked, interrupting Jake.

That triggered an argument between the two about movies and Bucky and Russia. How they could argue so many things at once he just didn’t know. It was during this that Steve was exposed too, he hadn’t seen the movie either.

Barely concealing his grin, Steve hopped onto the same boat as Bucky. He didn’t seem too let down being aboard SS Bucky. In fact, he seemed pleased. Like he was glad that he had someone with him. Interesting.

“You used to this?” Bucky asked him, aware that Huda and Jake could hear them perfectly.

“Made a list. It’s about time you suffered with me,” Steve chuckled, winking at him childishly.

Bucky couldn’t prevent his own laugh. “You’re a sadist Rogers. Of course, you are.”

“You have so much yet to learn,” Jake said, solemnly. “But I take the responsibility to guide you through this learning process. Don’t worry guys, it’s Jake to the rescue. Steve is stuck in the past-”

History professor. Right.

“-and Bucky is…. Bucky. I’ve got you. I’ll bring you up to date with 2016. You don’t have to live in despair anymore. Jake to the rescue.”

“Jake, it’s not that deep,” Huda said.

“Not that deep? Not that deep? Huda the Terminator is the backbone of our nation. It makes America, America. How is it not that deep?” Jake demanded, eyes widened to elaborate his point.

“Maybe because the backbone of your nation is actually 50 Shades of Grey. You’re united by poorly portrayed BDSM.”

Jake gasped. “How could you Huda? I was rooting for you.”

This clearly seemed to be a recurring argument, one they had frequently, so diffusing the energy fuelling it, Bucky diverted their attention back to the bear. Only, when he turned to look, it wasn’t their anymore. Even the Elk carcass was gone.

“All right, the bear is gone and so are we. Come on, let’s move. I don’t want him to join your argument and say the best movie is The Revenant. That would be disastrous.”

“Okay, I agree, that movie was good and that bear slayed. I love Leo but trying to take down that bear was stupid and he got what was coming for him,” Huda said, following Bucky’s instructions, and starting to walk.

Bucky nodded, despite her not being able to see. “That sure was something.”

“We’re watching that tonight,” Steve told him pointedly. “I was getting ready to fight a bear, this is life changing.”

 “You’ve always been prone to doing stupid things, a movie won’t stop you. Getting mauled by a bear will though,” he said thoughtfully. “You know where they are.”

Steve rolled his eyes at him, and instead asked Jake and Huda, “you guys want to stay for dinner? We’re watching The Revenant to celebrate me not dying.”

They nodded simultaneously, and Steve smiled at Bucky smugly. Movie night it was then.

Continuing their trek, they managed to catch sight of a deer, a majestic animal masked in a golden haze surrounding the grass, as it ate in solace, unworried by any potential prey. Elk also roamed the forest grounds, eating, and keeping a watchful eye on the group as they passed. Unsurprisingly, they were a loud bunch.

What was surprising, however, was the fact they encountered a mountain lion despite staying clear of sights where Bucky had spotted them before.

Laying on the floor, it was rolled on its back, purring almost contentedly and playing. Bucky faltered in his steps telling the others to hush as he drifted closer to inspect it. They protested almost immediately, shutting down the foolish idea, but when he assured them he was going up the trees rather than approaching it directly, Huda seemed calmer. Though she did warn him, considering its size, it wouldn’t have an issue to join him on the blossoming branches. He knew.

Leaving them behind, he reached a distance where he could see it clearly from up above but was far enough to escape if necessary (the serum did wonders on his eyesight). From his stake point, he saw the brown animal wonderfully camouflaged and delighted to have found a stem strong enough to handle his possessive grip. His breath caught in his throat, eyes mesmerised as he mechanically obtained his camera from his backpack as quietly as possible.

He was under no illusion that the lion didn’t know he was there. With hearing superior to Bucky’s and nose keen to catch unfamiliar scents, it must have known he was approaching, but opted to stay and play rather than leaving. Surely, that meant something.

(That he knew he could take on the group of foolish intruders and he was a cocky son of a bitch).

The lion’s eyes snapped to Bucky as he retrieved his camera and stared at him intensely as he turned it on. Flopped on his back, he didn’t make a move to attack, or even cover himself defensively, equally curious as the human. Unable to help himself, looking through the lens, Bucky captured a snap of the lions dilatated pupils staring at him, mouth close and eyes spread across his face in what seemed to be wonder. Golden spectacles glided around him. The sun caved in through the canopy.

Waiting with his breath caught in his throat, the lion didn’t change once the shutter penetrated the silence, though he did flinch. Immediately, Bucky put down the camera, raising his hands to surrender, despite the gesture foreign in the animal kingdom.

Not wanting to challenge it, he pointedly didn’t look it in the eyes but rather at and around it, a clear sign of submission as he lowered his head. After watching countless documentaries, he learned this is what they did to submit. He wasn’t sure it applied to him but did it nonetheless. This wasn’t a time to be taking risks.

Vaguely, he heard shuffling, rummaging, sorting, and the gasps of his friends as they beheld the sight. Unable to react, he maintained his posture and face of indifference, waiting for the mountain lion to announce its verdict. After smelling the air thoroughly, Bucky swore he saw the lion huff before looking away, unconcerned about the humans invading its settlement.

Rolling onto its back, the lion curved its back and tried to reach for something above him, purring delightfully as the dirt scrubbed his skin. Playing. It was playing, with Bucky a mere few feet away, clearly at ease. He released a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and shook his head, a smile growing on his face. Mammals were truly brilliant animals.

Raising the camera once more, one eye on the big cat and the other on what he was doing, he saw the lion pause to glance at him curiously, wonder at the device he was holding that emanated noise randomly. Unsure, Bucky considered the thought that perhaps this was the first time this cat in particular had even encountered a human, didn’t know what the they were capable of.

The large, saucer eyes followed his movements, and whilst the camera were being adjusted, it stopped what it was doing. Back arched, paws in the air and ears pointed to the sky, the golden fur glimmered in the hazel spotlight, and Bucky’s breath caught in his throat again. As soon as the settings were fixed, he snapped a picture, desperate to capture the moment. The device made a noise again, startling the animal, and it jumped onto its paws defensively, watching him carefully.

Cursing quietly under his breath, he adjusted himself slowly, just in case he had to make a run for it and waited for the lion to charge. They watched each other attentively, braced for any hostile movement, but in the end, it was the lion who walked away, deciding that it would rather not deal with Bucky. He sighed in relief.

When it was completely out of his view, and there was no immediate danger nearby, he jumped off the tree and walked back to the rest, smiling and content. It was a magical experience. Jake was the first to express his amazement, not waiting for Bucky to say anything.

“Oh. My. God. Bucky, that was amazing! It was magical! I’m in awe. I cannot believe I witnessed such purity and innocence. You’re like, the animal whisperer. Lion whisperer! You have to teach me how to do that. I need to know, it’s life or death.”

Bucky chuckled, replying, “I don’t even know what I did, so we’re both at a loss.”

“I’m posting this shit everywhere, I’m sending a postcard to Washington with my face photoshopped into the frame, this is what dreams are made of. Don’t you see Bucky? I’ve finally beaten Bill. I have walked with lions.”

“You were like, 40 feet away from the lion,” Huda reminded him. “But, if you manage to photoshop yourself into the picture then they won’t know.”

“My point exactly. They won’t know anything, so when I say I walked them they’ll take it at face value, after all, they did the same with Bill. Who knows if he really swam with sharks, you know?”

Bucky’s eyes widened. “That’s impressive.”

“He didn’t actually swim with sharks Bucky, the asshole lied about it. Honestly, after everything I said you thought he would have?” Jake’s face was contorted as he shook his head.

Bucky shrugged. “I take it at face value.”

“Yeah, that’s a whole load of bull. You’re the most analytical person we know Barnes,” Huda said, face knowing. “You don’t take anything at face value.”

“Maybe,” he considered, smiling slightly. It was true, he inspected thoroughly before concluding a judgement, he never believed what he saw. Jaded by deception, it was a direct consequence of that. His friends seemed to have caught on.

“Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s move. I want to see more animals, take some more pictures, you know the sketch.”

“Alright, follow me.”

They found more deer’s, elk, bears (again), fish in a pond, insects of all variety, a waterfall and so much more. It was such a productive day, that at the end of it, Huda and Jake were falling asleep as they trudged back to the cabin, eyes weary and downwards. Steve stifled his laugh, whilst Bucky did it freely. Without thinking too much about it, he clicked a picture, a birthday present done.

Hearing the snap Huda groaned and moaned, “I’ll get you for that Barnes, when I’m not half dead. You’ll regret it.”

He was sure she would.

Reiterating as such, he heard a collection of groans in response. It was quite funny. In the end, they didn’t decide to stay to watch The Revenant with him and Steve, opting to go home and rest. It was easy for him to forget that the normal human body couldn’t sustain such long journeys and treks, especially when it’s overwhelming with activities. He should have been more considerate.

But, when they exclaimed that they loved it, fast-paced regardless, he figured it was okay. A mistake he wouldn’t commit again. And there definitely would be an again, he’d make sure of it. So, he watched the movie, chilled with Steve, and when he felt a headache brewing he wasn’t entirely surprised or annoyed. At least he had done as promised.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have: character development! confessions! discussions! a lotta money being spent! happy times! 
> 
> WARNING: bucky experiences paranoia and some...questionable thoughts. general themes of anxiety through

As the designated driver Bucky was taking his jeep to nearest mall, Huda and Jake navigating the sleepy mess. A low hum emanating from the radio made up for background noise as the two passengers spoke amongst themselves, failing at engaging an anxious Bucky into the conversation. He felt apprehensive for reasons not quite unknown to him.

Steve woke up with him today, joining Bucky for the morning exercise. To release some of his jitters, he tested the cool air and went for a run in the forest, a few rounds on huge lake accompanied with Steve as they did what they had to in silence, basking in the serenity of such a beautiful day. Aware of what the day brought, Steve told him to shower whilst he assembled a basic breakfast, a knowing look on his face.

Maybe his nerves were obvious, maybe they weren’t, but his shoulders were stiff, legs rigid, and the warm soothing water did nothing to alleviate it. He stood beneath it for almost half an hour, doing nothing but letting it cascade down his back, loosening the tight knots. They just strengthened.

By the time he was out, long hair in a messy bun and arm hidden, he managed to drink some of the coffee, whilst Steve was reading something on a tablet he purchased recently. There was plenty of toast for him to consume, all edible despite Steve’s inability to cook, but he couldn’t when he was experiencing such unease. On the other hand, Steve was almost done, nibbling absent minded as he read what seemed to be the news.

“You gonna be okay?” Steve asked, not looking up, but addressing the elephant in the room.

Shrugging, Bucky replied indifferently, “doesn’t matter, it’s happening either way. What about you? You got everything to last you a day?”

“Yes Buck, I got plenty. I’ll be fine don’t worry.” Steve smiled at him kindly, like he knew that Bucky was checking the perimeter during the run ensuring Steve would be safe while he was gone. It was a habit he didn’t find himself breaking anytime soon.

“I can take you into town if you want to get a few things, I’ll pick them up on the way back,” Bucky offered, welcoming the distraction. Worrying over Steve was easy, familiar. He could do it.

“I’m all good,” Steve promised. “Bring some food back with you and we’ll watch that documentary you’ve been itching to watch. It’ll be a quiet night.”

Bucky would, latching onto the responsibility and hoping not to forget it. Just in case, he made a note in his phone to remind himself every time he checked it. Finishing his coffee, he washed the cup before putting on his shoes and jacket, ignoring Steve’s shadowing gaze as he watched him. Before leaving, he looked back at him, ready to ask one last time if needed anything but Steve cut him to it, saying instead, “can I hug you? It’s the first time you’re disappearing for the entire day since I came and I just…”

Heart warming, Bucky nodded opening his arms to welcome Steve, who walked into his hold with an eye roll and fond smile. He felt a lot better after that. Picking up Huda and Jake from Huda’s house, they were off, GPS directing them to the famous shopping outlet that he didn’t care much for. Regardless, Jake was especially excited.

“I know, we’re going for Bucky and all, but I love new clothes. I am so ready for this.”

At that Bucky did laugh, shaking his head fondly, the first emotive response he had gave them since the journey started. It was a long one, taking up to ninety minutes just to get there and could easily be the worst he’s ever had, since it was the first time he had made a long trip with someone since his escape.

But, all things considered, Jake refused to let it be so. While Huda respected his space giving him the time out, Jake kept incorporating him into the smallest discussions, asking for his opinion, what he thought, or what he would’ve done. It proved to be a great distraction, preventing him from thinking of the inevitable for too long, but it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t prohibit his thought process from going down that route again and again.

He knew that they realised that too. They didn’t know what to do, unfamiliar to the situation. He didn’t blame them, he was messed up on all sort of levels.

When they did reach the place, finding parking after looking for thirty minutes, and paying for a parking ticket, they sat in the car. Bucky wondered what they were waiting for but didn’t interrupt, they were communicating via facial expressions and he let them at it. They’d leave eventually.

So, when Jake started talking, he couldn’t help but feel shock consume him, eyes widening slightly not expecting such words to roll out of his mouth. Bucky could’ve sworn his jaw dropped.

“Bucky, we know you have your issues, considering when we first met you weren’t doing the best- heck, you were wearing a jacket covered in blood! It’s no secret to us. But we know that you’ve started getting better, we can see it, and though we’re under no impression whatever happened to you wasn’t highly traumatic and life changing, I think this will be good for you, it’ll help.” Jake was looking at him comfortingly, sincere and accepting, no harsh judgement present.

Huda continued, “changing up your hair, your clothes, your style- it might help change your mood. Your thoughts, they’ll be fixated on this wonderful change. And you know, happy thoughts equal happy emotions equal happy actions. It’s up to you, but I say let loose Bucky. Don’t fear this environment, express yourself in ways words can’t. Take advantage of it. It might do you some real good, change is vital to move on, and that’s what you need.”

“And, it doesn’t have to be big, even if it’s just colours, do it. Huda and I are willing to find you stuff to try if that’s what makes you most comfortable, living alone for so long and having met us in every now and then means you might not be used to such a busy scene, and that’s why we’re here. To help you in every way possible. We can find you stuff to try, find a style you like, or we’ll be by your side as you do it yourself. It’s only us in our little world, go nuts.”

“Your fear here, for whatever reason it is, is justified. We don’t have to know what it is to establish that. The ball is in your court, do what you want to with it. You can show us your arm, you can keep it hidden. You can stick to blacks, you can light it up with some colour. It’s all up to you. We’re in your corner.”

Blue eyes crinkling proudly, like Jake was happy with the fact Bucky managed to reach this point, made Bucky’s stomach twist uncomfortably, unused to such appraisal. Huda smiled at him tenderly, lips closed and face stretching. Her brown skin shone like the sun, free of any markings or bruises, just like Jakes white complexion, with freckles surrounding his cheeks and blue eyes. They were both truly beautiful people, inside and out. Bucky couldn’t believe he was worthy of them.

Closing his eyes, he sighed and nodded. After months of hiding, reserving the biggest indicator of his past to them, it was time to expose the only fragment of himself to them, which belonged to the Winter Soldier. He opened his eyes, looking down at his gloved hand on his lap, knowing what metal rested within it. Without a warning, he ripped off the band aid, shuffling his fingers out of the leather, revealing the daunting metal.

The silver arm gleamed unoppressive in the car and he moved it around, operating just like a normal flesh hand, the colour and mechanics hugely different. He heard the gasps from his side and looked at them. They both stared at it in open wonder, no disgust, or even fear, just amazement and something alluding oddly to concern. They...weren’t repulsed by him. Air began passing through the passages of his lungs and throat, as relief coursed through him. He didn’t realise just how much he needed that.

“Dude, you’re the real-life terminator!” Jake exclaimed, making eye contact with Bucky for the first time since he saw the arm. “That’s amazing! It looks high tech too, not surprising considering you’re a gazillionare. Is that by Tony Stark? I know he’s doing this whole program to help amp- ow!””

Huda elbowed him curtly, ending Jake’s uncontrollable ramble. “Is this why you’ve been super anxious so far? Showing us this side of you?”

“Amongst other things. I’m not used to...kindness. It’s taking me time to adjust,” he admitted, his moment of weakness finally displayed to his friends.

They didn’t mock him, nor did they laugh. They seemed sympathetic. “Like we said, the ball is in your court, we go where you want us to.”

“And, we want the best for you, so if we choose something that makes you feel uncomfortable, then tell us. You have one facial expression, well almost two since Steve has come into the picture- you know what I mean- ow! So, we can’t tell. But we have the same aim. Get used to the kindness Bucky, because we’re a trio now,” Jake told him.

“When or if you ever feel ready, we’re happy to listen. Whatever you’re willing to share, we would like to hear, but it is up to you. If that’s nothing, so be it, but if it’s fragments of your life, then we do like to know. Since Steve has come, you’re more open with us, about your past I mean and...it’s nice. We like to know these things.” Huda turned to Jake.

“It’s true, when we befriended you, we accepted all of you, the secrecy, the issues, the insecurities and the hand- wait, is it just your hand or what?” Jake questioned, curiously looking down at it.

Moving his jacket higher, Bucky explained, “it’s the entire arm, made of metal. At the time, it was the best on the market and I’ve kept it ever since.”

He didn’t voice how long ago it was, where it was, or why he refused to part with the killing machine. They knew he had trauma surrounding the entire thing, and they knew he didn’t want to talk of said trauma, so he didn’t feel compelled in divulging more than necessary, wanting to maintain the friendships. He felt, comfortable.

Jake whistled. “You have got to lend me your millions Bucky, we’re practically family! But, you know what? That’s cool. You have a metal arm. You and Huda can both defend me now, your muscles, and her self-defence training is all that’s needed. I feel safe.”

He felt safe around Bucky? The same Bucky who had killed countless people in his elongated lifetime, a heartless assassin? He didn’t know what to say, opted to stay quiet instead.

“I told you, we’re not your bodyguards. You want someone to protect you? Then learn how to fight. I even offered to teach you! Anyway, Bucky, I’m assuming you don’t want anyone to see it, correct?”

He nodded. He hadn’t accepted it properly yet.

Huda nodded, tactical and calculating. Steve in battle is what Bucky saw. “They have changing rooms in all of the stores so that’s good. But if they don’t, then me and Jake will pose a human shield while you change. Capiche?”

“You’re so like Captain America it’s hilarious, considering you’re Pakistani and all. Imagine how many racists would hate that,” Jake marvelled, proud and joyful.

Huda smiled. “Gotta give them something to cry over. But anyway, let’s go. We have a long day ahead.”

Bucky smiled at her, noting the similarities between her and Steve, feeling pride swell in his chest. They were both so amazing. “Steve Rogers better move over, Huda is on her way.”

Bucky knew Steve was bullied as a child- his mother was Irish, it was impossible for him not be, especially when he was constantly getting into fights and arguments. He hated racists and bigots, Bucky knew as much.

“Sure I am, I don’t care if I’m only here to study for now, I’m taking over soon.” Huda grinned, exiting the car with Bucky and Jake following in suit. “Though, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle all the fighting and stuff, I’m only good with my words, not my arms. For now, Steve can defend his title from other suitors.”

“When you said Steve then I remembered our Steve. Do you think his parents named him after Captain America?” Jake asked looking at Bucky.

Shaking his head, he disclosed, “it was a common Christian name at the time, and his parents were uh, really devote Catholics.”

“That’s cool, I guess,” Jake said, causing Bucky to laugh.

“I’m sure it’s the same for Captain America, he was brought up Catholic too.”

Curiously, Huda intervened, guiding them to the entrance, asking, “How do you and Steve know so much about Captain America and his past? He’s a professor, sure, but what about you? A nerd in disguise?”

“You got me, I’m his biggest fan,” Bucky confessed, not exactly lying. He loved Steve so much he found him more important than the air keeping him alive. A tad dramatic, but he did love acting. “Love me some Captain America.”

“I knew it! Aha,” Huda exclaimed, grinning. “You're a fanboy just like us.”

“Yeah, but hey, what's the deal with you and Steve anyway?” Jake asked, walking ahead of them slightly.

Entering the large skyscraper, Jake continued down his merry path, unaware that Huda was leading them the other way. Bucky watched her latch onto his elbow and tug him the right way, deciding to cross their arms, intertwining them. Jake laughed.

“Nothing.” Bucky didn't even know.

“Do you want something to be happening between you?” Huda’s face was comforting, encouraging.

He remembered people who were known to have vouched for...the same team, they were taken away never to be seen again. Despite being in a relationship before, Bucky knew the dangers of such a relation, and the risk him and Steve were in. It was hard to forget, especially because when they first moved in together and made it official, someone’s life was being destroyed before them.

Steve, a man who couldn't resist standing up before injustice and misconduct, who continuously spoke out against wrongdoings and hate, was silent. From his side, Bucky watched the unfolded scene with fearful eyes, rigid and paranoid.

A man was being dragged out his house, tears streaming down his face, by three police officers. They were ruthless, beating him when his protests became too much of a hindrance, and shouting profanities to silence him. Onlookers watched in disgust as the innocent man was dragged on the floor like a sack of potatoes, offering no support or kindness.

That could be Bucky and Steve one day, outed by anyone in the building, murdered for loving each other how they were supposed to love a dame. It was terrifying, and later that night, Bucky saw Steve pray on the edge of their shared bed.

Mouth sealed shut, he didn't make any remarks on the brink of stuttering if he spoke, and instead leave him be as he prayed. Sometimes, people had to cling onto such beliefs just to keep them going when times got rough. Bucky wasn't one of them.

“I'm not sure.” He loved Steve, wanted nothing more but to be with him intimately.

But, he was tarnished. Tainted. Unworthy. He was almost certain that Steve didn't even like him like that. He'd rather keep Steve as a friend than ruin what they had created. It was safer both of them. Regardless of how much it hurt.

“You like him? You don't like him?” Jake prompted, raising an eyebrow.

“Bucky likes Steve, we know that. Steve likes Bucky, we know that. I think they just need to figure out whatever going on between them for it to work out,” Huda said, nodding to herself as she spoke.

Jake imitated her, agreeable, and looked around the endless corridors. Bucky decided silence was the best answer. They took him to his first store, TOPMAN, written in block capitals and in white, before a black background.

The floor was thrumming with life, people everywhere with partners, spouses, friends. Bucky was overwhelmed by the sheer number of bodies within the space, moving closer to Huda and Jakes as he scoped it out. There were three escape routes within his vision, multiple weapons he could use (unnecessary, his body was adequate enough) and plenty of hiding spaces to instruct his friends too if something were to happen.

Nobody suspicious was present, though he did see an old woman stare at a younger boy for longer than he could cope seeing (past memories resurfacing) and so he looked away, resisting the urge to throw her out of the shop all together. Walking through, following Huda and Jake, he counted a total of 21 cameras, excessive but clever considering the space they were covering. A step ahead of him, Jake paused, picking at an article of clothing as Huda hummed a few words next to him, but Bucky ignored them in favour of ensuring the place was secure.

Eyes gravitating back to the older woman, he saw her advance towards the younger male with his friends, and through muscle memory his finger sprang to the inner pockets of his jackets meeting nothing but fabric. Steve must have taken them out again. Suddenly letting go, he wondered what he was doing. Blinking hard, he saw one of the boys notice the creep stalking him and informed a security guard, having her removed from the premises.

Bucky sighed hard. He had to relax, not everyone was Hydra or the enemy, he couldn’t resort to violence. Get a grip of yourself Barnes, he thought harshly.

Turning around, he was met with four concerned eyes, sympathetic and worried. He breathed through his nose.

“You okay Bucky?” Huda asked gently, walking closer to him. “Need a time out?”

Shaking his head, he said, “no- no I'm, good. I'm fine.”

“We know this is really out of your comfort zone, so if you do, let us know? We want you to enjoy this.”

Truth be told, Bucky remembers enjoying shopping, loved it during the 30’s. He didn't have much money and refused to take it from his family, but when he gathered enough, he’d drag Steve to go with him so they could treat themselves. For him, it was one of those things.

“Yeah, I'm good Huda, thank you. Just checking something. But let's continue, we've got a lot to cover and not a lot of time.” He tried to sound reassuring but wasn't too persuasive.

They obliged nonetheless. Sticking close to him, they didn't point it out if he inspected the new place, acted out of the ordinary, or was just generally unresponsive. He always came around.

All together there were three levels to TOPMAN they had to explore, so he had a lot of scrutinising to do. But, once semi comfortable or assured, he'd reinsert himself into the conversation, letting them know if he didn't like something's material, size or design. It was nice. He wasn't familiar with the latest fashion trends, relied purely upon their opinions on what to get, offering minimal help. But it was enjoyable, he found himself remembering why he liked it.

By the time they found the right sizes, (“What do you mean you don’t know? How have you been buying clothes before?”) and articles, including shoes, they sent him into the changing rooms. He quickly did a mental sweep of the place, ears on high alert as he tried on the first outfit, focusing on Huda and Jake to know they were okay. They had gotten him a cubicle at the very end and occupied the nearby stalls with more clothes, just so nobody could infiltrate their space.

He felt his heart swell at the consideration.

The first outfit he tried was, surprising to say the least. He knew he had lost a lot of weight since escaping Hydra, most of his clothes were big for him. Essentially, he was a muscular version of himself from the 40’s. But seeing how loose the clothes were on him when looked down, he felt surprised. How could he have lost so much weight? The shoes fit right, Jake having remembered from last time, so they were okay. The shirt wasn't that big, would've fit the Winter Soldier perfectly, but the trousers needed exchanging. He could tell.

It was a simple outfit really, almost a replica of something he would’ve worn during the 30’s. Loose black trousers- though not that big- a button up white shirt with the top two buttons undone, and almost grey-ish loafers. It was nice and familiar. He liked that aspect.

“Yeah, the trousers need to go. Huda!” Jake called, looking him up and down, a keen eye examining every aspect of him.

Huda came out of one of the stalls, phone in hand. “What? I was texting my- yup, those trousers need to go. Think we should go for a smaller size on the shirt? It looks a size big for him.”

Humming contemplatively, Jake decided, “no, I think we should keep it like that, small would be too tight around his chest area. His waist is small, but it gets bigger the higher up you go. I say, we keep the shirt, but the jeans need to be taken down a notch or two. Okay, next!”

Bucky went back into the stall and changed into the next outfit, peeling out of those clothes. This was a much better fit than the previous, he noted, and easy to live in as well. Dark grey chinos, a snug fit around his thighs and reaching his ankles, with another white shirt made from a different material, something soft, all buttoned up. White trainers underneath it all, and lastly glasses Huda had put with outfit and urged him try on.  He didn’t understand why when he could see perfectly fine.

It was a yes from him. Jake on the other hand…

“Smaller shirt, I think I could fit in that with you. Chinos are looking good- damn Bucky, now that I can see your thighs I see what Steve's liking, they're beautiful- ow! Okay, yes to everything but the shirt. That hurt Huda!” Jake complained rubbing his arm.

“Don't get side-tracked then,” she stated simply, then smiled at Bucky. “You look amazing James- I mean Bucky. What the hell, I don't know where that came from. Do you like It?”

Unsure, he replied, “uh, yeah. It's surprisingly comfortable.”

“That's good,” she affirmed. “Remember, if you don't feel comfortable with anything we can always get something else. There are plenty of stores in here for us to check.”

Nodding, he returned into the cubicle to try on the third and final outfit. They had managed to find the three in ninety minutes. With this, he wore another shirt, but this time it was grey, with a pair of skinny navy-blue jeans, cuffed at the bottom, and on top of it all was a navy blazer. Finished with a pair of brown shoes. It was nice.

“Damn, you look gorgeous,” Jake breathed. “I really do know how to dress people. Like, damn. You look amazing. You’re welcome Bucky.”

Chuckling, he said, “thank you Jake, and you too Huda. You're life savers.”

Huda nodded, agreeing with Jake. “You look beautiful. We're keeping this entire outfit.”

“That trench coat I made you buy months ago, remember that?” Jake asked. Bucky nodded. It was in his closet somewhere. “That will go well with this- all of these to be honest. So, if you want something longer than the blazer, wear that, or if it's cold.”

Clapping his hand, Jake stood up and declared, “let's switch the sizes and buy this shit. I'm hungry and can't contain it any longer.”

Bucky quickly changed back into his other clothes. Separating his to-buy attire, he handed Jake the clothes that he needed to exchange and carried the rest, Huda offered to take some but he declined. He wanted to be useful.

It didn't take long to make the switch, so as soon as they found the right sizes, comparing them against Bucky clothes to see if they were the right length and wouldn't look bad on his build, they directed him to the pay point. It was hectic, because retail always has been, but Jake kept up chatter, deciding on where they should go to eat to distract him. Since he didn't know any and was practically useless, he let them choose, chiming an occasional answer if it was called for. Thankfully, it wasn't imperative.

Bucky retrieved his wallet from one of his many pockets, and when he reached a cashier accumulated the right sum. Huda and Jake piped replies between them when the cashier asked questions, merely taking the money from Bucky when they he to pay. Leaving the store, he took the bags off them, telling them to choose the next destination and he'll carry the load. It was good to keep his hands occupied, it would prevent the chances of the spasming. He didn't mention that part.

Due to Jake's incessant complaining, they found a small cafe with open seating, displaying a view of the mall from a balcony. Bucky looked at the food, deciding to try a sandwich after moments of observing. He wasn't adventurous when it came to food even though something new wouldn't hurt. He kept on the safe side. To accompany it he requested a coffee, despite having already had a cup before he came. Perhaps it wasn't ideal, being jittery and all, but he needed something to lift his spirits a tad, so that Huda and Jake weren't forced to carry the weight on their own.

Barista promising to get on with it, Jake found them a table surrounded by three chairs, similar in design, different shades of colour in pattern. It was strangely nice, he concluded, the way the checked prints ranging from green to red engraved into the backs of the chairs went so well with the theme and the area. The table was wooden and simple, yet sturdy and polished, despite the evident aging. They went well together, the combination of the dining, he liked it a lot.

“Since we're having a confessional shopping date, I have something else I want to say.” Huda was looking at Bucky as she spoke, but for some reason it didn't feel directed at him. But neither of the participants denied that whatever was spoken had to be the truth. It was all about building trust.

“I know you quit your job, Jake.” Huda turned to look at him, a small smile spreading. “Don’t ask how, but I figured it out and I just want to say that I’m proud. You deserved more than the hell they were inflicting on you.”

Jake gaped. “Did you tell her?” He asked Bucky.

Bucky shook his head. “I had no reason to.”

“Unbelievable,” Jake muttered shaking his head. “Am I so easy to read? Where is the mystery people! But anyways, thanks Huda, for you know, being cool with it and everything. I was going to tell you guys sometime next week, but the cats out of the bag because you assholes figured it out before I got the chance.”

“Why so late?” she wondered, staring at him at ease. Bucky saw the effect it had on Jake.

“I don't know, I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't run back or something- stupid, I know. But you know me, I make spontaneous decisions that I usually end up regretting. I wanted this to be concrete considering my history there,” he explained, eyebrows raising sharp and quick as he spoke.

Jake was no stranger to his own suffering there, after all he was the one to divulge it all to Bucky and Huda. But by concealing the pain using humour, he hadn't realised just how much it impacted him, why working there was becoming toxic. Change was necessary for him to realise that the workplace shouldn't be how he was experiencing it. Money was not the only thing to consider, there were other variables.

“What did you do?” Huda asked knowingly, like she knew the nature of his leaving. She probably did, Jake was impulsive when he wanted to be, so she was used to it. Bucky was slowly starting to accustom too.

“Well,” he started, sheepishly. “They may have been taunting me about my lack of sales- which was purely because of the fact I always got the hopeless cases- and the usual. But then one of them mentioned Bucky- it was a snide comment really, it didn't sit well in my stomach and I punched the guy, had a huge rant, and said I quit before storming out of the door and slamming it shut just because I could. I'm a boss.”

Huda chuckled. “Not that I condone violence, but that dude must have said something bad to invoke your rage. I guess it was well deserved.”

“No- Jake wait.” Bucky frowned, trying to get his head around the situation. “You shouldn't have done that over me. I'm sure it wasn’t that bad.”

Jake shook his head, a flash of anger displayed in his eyes. Turning to Bucky, he said, “trust me, I’m not the violent type. But what he said was uncalled for and I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. Not when it’s my friend he was saying it about.”

“What did he say?” Bucky inquired, curious to know if the violence was justified.

But Jake shook his head, stating, “it’s all water under the bridge, so let's leave it like that. It doesn’t need to be repeated.”

“But Jake-” Bucky tried to protest, to no avail. Huda observed the conversation from the side-line, electing to sit this one out, leaving it to them. Wise choice really.

“Water under the bridge. Anyway, I told you I got my wage so it’s all good. But now we have better things to talk about, like the charity. None of us know what to do.” Jake looked at Huda for support, and she nodded sympathetically.

“True, we’ve never done anything like this before. We’ve got loads of planning to do, but lucky for you guys I did some research on the side, preparing for this moment. It’s a good head start.” Huda grabbed her phone from her pocket, putting it on the table and opening a document full of writing. That was a lot of research.

Reading through it, she started, “first step is to identify what your vision slash mission is: are you saving the whales? Raising money for homeless people? Since Bucky loves animals and the forest, we should focus primarily on those. Which animals in particular, are you rebuilding forests or preventing deforestation, these are what we need to consider.”

“Uh, how about for now we just, make our way up? Like, I’ll start supporting other charities, donate money and pictures for them to auction, find out if that’s really a job I would be able to handle, then start one? It’s a lot of responsibility and hard work, I’m just sceptical when it comes to me.” He wasn’t the most stable person on the planet and was still apprehensive when it came to the public.

Huda nodded, understandingly. Jake replied, “I say, we start it the process since we have the resources, get it verified and registered as a charity, but rather than starting straight away, just figure out how it works with it on standby. When it comes to all the business aspect me and Huda will manage it, you concentrate on other things. How about that?”

“That seems right, from what I’ve heard setting up is hard enough and it takes a long time. We should get it out of the way then we’ll talk about fundraisers and sponsorships and all that jazz. All while you’re working out how to run a charity.”

“But what if after all that effort I don’t want to? I mean, that sort of responsibility doesn’t sit well in my stomach, I don’t want to start something and not go through with it.” Bucky frowned.

Their order came through, a waiter adorned in company clothing barging into their bubble apologetically, smiling as he put down their orders on the table. Everyone but Bucky was smiling, he struggled to look at the kid, and hoped it didn’t look too rude. He was still too new at this people thing.

“Bucky,” Huda said once the kid had left, tea in his hand, blowing at it lightly. “This isn’t a chore, I want you to know that. If you don’t want to or feel as though you can’t handle this, then there’s nothing wrong with that. There are plenty of charities out there which do these things, you don’t have to join them if you don’t want to. We just figured you’d want to do it on your terms, you know? That’s why Jake proposed the idea.”

“I do want to do it, but I can’t be the face of the charity or anything major like that, you know? I just want to fund it, help the animals and forests as much as I can, see them in their elements. The whole technical thing I can’t do, not when I’m prone to migraines and spend most of the time down under rather than on top. It doesn’t seem fair to them.” Bucky took a sip of his hot drink, frowning slight.

He so desperately wanted this to work, needed it to work. He hadn’t felt this passionate about anything for a while, it physically hurt having to let it go. He wanted to auction art in exchange for money and help both sides of the coin rather than just one, it was a nice concept.

“How about…” Huda glanced at Jake, a little mischievous. “Jake sets up the charity and runs it, all on your behalf? So like, you’re the bank, he’s just doing the parts you can’t do for you.” Jake made a noise in the background that Huda and Bucky ignored, she was onto something. “He’ll be earning money, be in a better environment, and you’ll have someone by your side physically, not just like this. It’s a win-win situation.”

“Huda!” Jake exclaimed. “I can’t run a charity- have you seen me? I’m a mess! Plus Bucky’s my friend and I want to keep it like that, if he became my boss it’d over complicate things between us.”

She rolled her eyes. “No it won’t Campbell, since it won’t be like that. You’d be allies, equals. Bucky just wants to help, give the money, take the pictures, and chill with animals. You need the money, stability, and a caring work environment, plus you could help him along the way, travel the world how you’ve always wanted too. It’s a brilliant opportunity for you both.”

“But- but,” Jake spluttered. “I can’t take his money, I refuse to. It just isn’t right.”

“You need to separate the professional aspect of it from the personal, don’t overthink it. At the beginning Bucky will be paying you, but once it’s in full swing, you’ll take a tiny bit of money from each art piece brought. In order for something to flourish, it needs to be nourished, and taking a cut for yourself isn’t bad since it’s all aiding to improve the charity, make it more efficient and better.”

Jake didn’t seem convinced, even though Bucky was totally on board. It was a brilliant idea!

“Look, everything the charity puts up for auction it’s taking a majority of the income. All I’m proposing is that- listen carefully Bucky- twenty per cent of each thing sold will be used for management of the charity, whilst the rest is completely to accomplish your goals. In order for this to work you’re going to need scientists, workers, volunteers- loads of people, they’ll execute the right steps towards preservation. But they do have to be paid.”

Huda seemed to know what she was talking about, in fact she was the only one out of the three. It was magical seeing her so in place, composed and assertive. She was definitely going places.

“But what about the artists, huh? They’re going to take a lot out of the profit, so what’ll be left for the charity?” Jake questioned, trying to catch her out, an attempt of getting out of it. He wasn’t going to.

The plan was like quicksand, and he was stuck in it, slowly getting immersed into the idea and finally agreeing. He would accept the proposition, Bucky and probably Huda knew he would, but it was nice to hear the mechanics of it from Huda, just so he understood for himself what was going on. He’d never contributed to many charities before, didn’t understand how they worked. Now he was getting all that information.

“Easy, donations. You’d be surprised by just how many artists are willing to donate their works or art that they’ve previously brought. I’m not saying all of it will be amazing, so you’ll have to be selective and donate a certain amount each time depending on just how many auctions you’re planning on having, but yeah. With the right amount of publicity and advertising people will come and you’ll get loads of money.”

“You’re doing Astrophysics, how do you even know all of this?” Jake asked incredulously, throwing his hands into the air.

Grinning, she replied, “I don’t, I’m just making it up as I go along. Fake it till you make it right?”

“I think she’s right Jake, you should be face of the charity, manager guy. You’re just as passionate as me, young and with a lot of time on your hands, and I need someone with me, a friend not a colleague. So, what do you say pal? Want to help me?” Bucky smiled, more at ease now than before, Jake and Huda had his back.

Jake didn’t reply, messing with his muffin, clearly distressed and failing at hiding it. Huda covered his hand gently with hers and made him look at her. “I know it’s scary, and I know how anxious you’re feeling right now. This is way out of your comfort zone, but do you think I’d propose you for this if I didn’t think you were capable of it? Or without promising to be by your side throughout it all? Ignore those thoughts Jake, you can do this.”

“If you agree Jake…we’re a team. You won’t be alone and nor will I, and Huda is there to support us through it all. We’ve got a lot to do right now but when it’s up and running just you watch, it’ll be amazing, and you won’t regret your decision. Just believe in yourself, trust us and trust yourself,” Bucky said, smiling timidly at him.

Groaning, Jake took a bite of his muffin and stated, “you guys suck and I’m only doing this because it’s a good cause. Other than that, you can stuff it.”

“I love you too, Jake,” Huda sang pleased, and he huffed in her direction.

Making promises to come over to Bucky’s house in a couple of days to discuss it further, this time including Steve, they finished their food and we’re on their way for round two. They went to ZARA next, a store which Huda admitted did have nice clothes but maybe they weren’t the right ones for Bucky. So, when he asked why bother going she stated there was no harm in checking. Unsurprisingly, she was right, so ZARA they went hoping to find something nice.

“Okay, come out whenever you’re ready Bucky, I’m feeling good about his one,” Huda called whilst he changed.

He felt more relaxed, less agitated in the store weirdly enough, it may be because there weren’t that many people present, and they were all alone, or because of the mini food break from before. Whatever it was, he was feeling at ease within himself and was enjoying their clothing searching exercise more than last time. He was even more versatile when it came to choosing outfits, something he never expected to happen. But there was no harm in trying them on, even Huda and Jake encouraged it.

It was...fun.

“Wow,” Jake and Huda breathed when he stood out.

She had her phone in her hand, probably making a video of him as he showcased the outfits. Just for a laugh, he posed outrageously as he stared directly at the camera. They burst into guffaws. He couldn’t hold it any longer and joined them, leaning over slightly, chuckling at the ground.

“You look amazing.”

He was wearing a simple outfit, really. Black skinny jeans with the cuffs rolled up, exposing his ankles, and a light grey, thin sweater that was purposefully loose with converse to finish the whole look. He felt awkward, knowing that he was too old to wear something as such (even though he definitely didn’t look it) but he liked it. It made him feel small, less intimidating. Less dangerous. It was a wonderful feeling.

“You’re keeping that, any objections?” Jake asked, out of mere obligation more than anything.

“It’s- it’s nice. I like it.”

Huda grinned. He smiled back. “Next outfit!”

It was the same jeans, but with a plain white shirt, and a black leather jacket; footwear was black ankles boot, laced up part of the design. Grabbing the sunglasses, he shrugged and put them on, moving the curtain and leaving the cubicle. As expected, a camera was waiting for him, to which he started posing again, pulling the sunglasses down and looking around purposeful and solemn.

Whilst his watchers chuckled, he shrugged off the jacket and threw it over his shoulder, pivoting on his heel as he looked around, serious expression on his face. It wasn’t until Huda spoke that he broke out of character and returned to being just Bucky.

“You look hot. Like really hot. I feel like I died, and I just came back to life because wow. Bucky.”

“I- thank you Huda.” He beamed.

“So, if things don’t work out with Steve, you have my number Bucky,” Jake said casually, invoking laughs all around. “But honestly you look so good I’m jealous. I could never rock that outfit.”

“Why not? Give it a go?” he encouraged.

Jake shook his head. “Trust me, I did. It was a traumatic experience for everyone who saw me, it’s a no-go zone.”

“Next outfit Bucky, before he melts from jealousy. Look away Jake, it’ll hurt less.”

Trying on the last outfit, it was dark blue trousers, the tightest he’d ever worn them, same colour suspenders attached onto the top, and a light blue shirt, buttons done all the way to the top. A tie snake around the collar, he wore a white blazer to hide his bulging arms in the shirt, and a watch to cover his blank wrists. Wearing brown oxfords, ones which he manually tied, he sighed deeply before going out to face his critics. He never knew when he’d wear this.

“Bucky, you should consider being a model,” Jake groaned. “You look good in everything, don’t look a day over twenty-five and you’re just, so, beautiful. It’s not fair.”

“Yeah, I’m siding with him on this one, you’re stunning and it’s not fair,” Huda said, looking him up and down appreciatively.

To Bucky’s horror, his cheek felt warmer, no doubt a crimson glow was emitting from them. “So do you,” he returned weakly, unsure how else to reply.

Jake and Huda clearly noticed, because they chuckled and said, “it’s fine Bucky, take the compliment.”

He didn’t reply, changing back into his other clothes and picking the outfits up so they could take them to checkout. They found plenty of accessories too, beanies, gloves, scarves, and even an insulating bandage for his stump. “It gets cold around your end quicker than it does in the town.” Jake had shrugged, tossing into his arm. Bucky didn’t suppress his smile, and knocked his shoulder gently against Jake’s, knowing he made the right decision.

They visited a few more stores, buying additional shirts, shoes, jeans, and even some exercise gear since Bucky valued his exercise. By the end there were so many bags that he had to say enough, there was more than plenty to last him for the next couple of years. Taking mercy on him, his friends agreed, and aided him in putting the bags in the jeep whilst they decided on where to eat.

It was nearing 5pm, they were all hungry enough to eat a horse and they were willing to take anything. It was Jake who suggested Taco Bell, stating it had been a while since he’d been and was craving it after seeing a sign. So, Taco Bell it was. They all huddled inside, choosing a seat near the back and let Jake order for them, praying for the best.

“Don’t worry guys, I’m a Taco Bell pro. I’ll get you the best of the best.” 

Bucky couldn’t believe it, but he did deliver well because both he and Huda loved it. They finished their meals at ease, taking their time until Huda checked the time and exclaimed, “Bucky still needs to get a haircut!”

Frowning, he wondered what the fuss was, but they insisted he finished the food quickly or he’d miss his appointment. When they made that, he didn’t know, but he obliged nonetheless, wondering just how this was going to play out. Anything near his head, whilst he was unprotected was not a comfortable experience for him.

His body was a weapon, he could defend himself, but to what extent was that possible? A smaller body meant a lack of power, force, stamina, even intimidation. How he could explain that to them without giving away vital information was unknown to him, so he was struggling before he even got there.

Driving to the destination, he nervously looked at his passengers as they discussed what haircut to get him. Huda wanted it short, whilst Jake wanted it to his ears. He wanted neither. Sure, his hair length was exceptionally long, it was more of a hinderance than anything, but he wasn’t sure if he trusted anyone near him for a long period of time whilst he stayed still, allowing them to deliver a cut.

When they reached the building, a decent sized establishment, in between two other shops, he felt dread consume him. Peeking inside there weren't many people, it looked like he was the last customer of the day, getting a clean cut in utter privacy. It didn't help ease his nerves, since he could have easily fought off anyone invasive, the person who would administer the haircut was still present. They hadn't run off despite the chance to flee. Bucky cursed them inwardly.

“Alright, Jake you know this guy?” Huda asked, three of them still in the car as they inspected the place.

Nodding, Jake replied, “my go-to barber. He's quick, efficient, and steady. I mean, have you seen my hair? Looks amazing every time.”

So, it was an ally then, an acquaintance of Jake. He wouldn't be foolish enough to strike whilst Jake was there, try to harm Bucky as he received a fresh cut. Or, perhaps he would, taking the chance and attacking before revealing the whole barber thing was an act. It seemed farfetched, that much he could agree, and for that to work he had to believe that to some extent, Jake wasn't genuine. However, looking at Jake from the side he decided that no, he couldn't think so negatively of a man who has offered so much.

If Jake trusts the man to aid Bucky without detriment, then Bucky owed him the benefit of a doubt. Worst case scenario: he advanced on him and his slit his throat, then at least he knew he'd never be able to harm anyone ever again and he died in a place much better than he originally started. It was a win-win, though a little morbid, but he had to think of it technically. His long hair was a hassle to clean and manage, and he was long overdue a trim. This was what he needed after depriving himself for so long. He had to go through with it.

Walking inside, two remaining customers looked up, glancing at them briefly before resuming their conversations, and a woman at the reception smiled welcoming. Someone was sweeping falling hair into a dustpan, hair pulled back into a small pony with strands obstructing his face, failing to be contained. Bucky turned to the receptionist.

“Hi, how can I help you?”

“We’re here for the 6:15 appointment? It's under Jake.” Jake shot a dazzling smile, whilst Huda rolled her eyes. Bucky watched them in their element.

The receptionist tapped a few buttons on her keyboard, searching for a catalogue of some sort, before scrolling through the opened document and finding Jake's name on the listing. Nodding, she affirmed with a grin, “yeah, you're scheduled for 6:15. Take a seat and Julian will be right with you.”

There were four chairs lined up against the large square window exposing the outside world, and Bucky sat on the one closest to the door. No cameras seemed to be in operation, watching them as they waited, and there was an additional door for employees only up a small ramp. If need be, he could easily escape from there. After assessing the place thoroughly, he looked back at his friends to see them staring at him fondly and smiling. Well, he wasn't trying to be discreet.

As the lone man finished cleaning the hairs off the floor and throwing them into a specific bin, he went around back, cleaning his hands if Bucky heard correctly, before returning, open smile and eyes fixed on Jake. The first thing Bucky thought was: damn, he is beautiful. Dark brown eyes, long eyelashes, and thick, arched eyebrows covered the top half of his face. High cheekbones that were defined the lower his gaze went, and soon guided him to his lips, nearly brown and plump. A highly prominent jaw line framed his face, and when Bucky looked at it as a whole, the brown skin almost glimmered, sparkles emitting from how clean it was. He sure was something. And that something may still be a threat, looks couldn't deceive him.

“Jake!” He greeted, accent thick, as he approached them. “I just cut your hair. Back so soon?”

Laughing, Jake stood up and shook his head, gesturing to Bucky instead. “Not my turn. My friend Bucky here needs one today, needs to tame the mane.”

Julian turned to Bucky, who stood instinctively as did Huda, and tried to examine his hair. “Ah, yes. I can see why, it's long and thick. Not very easy to manage, huh?”

Bucky grimaced. “Not easy at all.”

Laughing easily, Julian agreed, “time to put you out of your misery, come on. What do you want doing?”

Bucky sat down on one of the chair, face appearing on the huge mirror in front of him as Julian put a cape on his shoulders that covered his entire body. Huda and Jake followed in suit, hovering on either side as Julian removed the hair tie and ran his fingers through his scalp. Bucky froze on impact, turning rigid. Though Julian didn't seem like a double agent, he still wasn't comfortable with the whole ordeal and didn't know how to feel about it.

“Me and Huda decided it definitely needs to go shorter, manageable. So, no long locks like this or yours, something like mine. He’s into practical work,” Jake explained.

 “Hm, something short. Shall I shave his hair from the side, leaving it completely bare? Make it long at the top, so he can pin it back if he wants or put it up in a quiff. It’ll barely reach his eyes,” Julian described, fingers demonstrating his words as he explained it to them.

Huda nodded, clearly onboard with the idea, Jake seemed to be convinced by her. Every now and then, they all needed reassurance. Julian dazzled them with a smile and retrieved his scissors from the desk, sending Bucky’s pulse wayward. During his time with Hydra, they eliminated any outwards reactions, his wasn’t to show any emotions using his body. But the internal responses to danger- they could never eradicate them. They were instilled into him, just how they were to everyone else.

Measuring the hair, Julian's fingers encapsulated it the highest it could go and then began his work, cutting the hair slowly using the thin scissors. Bucky stiffened to such means he wasn’t sure he was breathing. It was so easy for Julian to thrust the blade into his neck, take away his life from him just like Hydra had.

Possibly sensing his discomfort, Jake rose to defuse some of his tension, saying, “so, Julian.”

“Hm?” Bucky saw him look at Jake with a smile from the mirror.

“How’s work going man? Getting tired of cutting hair yet?”

“No, I don’t think I ever will.” He grinned at Jake shaking his head. “This is my one true calling.”

“Oh, but have you considered…”

Jake kept him engaged in conversation for the entire thirty minutes they were there. Never letting the exchange die down even for a moment. Huda, on the other hand, started telling Bucky about her exams and that they were in four weeks and she was terrified. It mostly didn’t require a reply, but he chose to respond at random intervals just so she knew he was listening and cared. Sure, he was scared shitless despite being the most efficient weapon there, but he was a human asset, and they all had flaws.

He was no exception.

When Julian finished, brushing off any locks of hair from his shoulders and removing the cape, he ran fingers through Bucky’s hair one last time before saying, “Viola!” and moving the chair to face them.

Huda and Jake grinned instantly, nodding their heads with apparent approval. Jake complained jokingly, “you look great with every style, it isn’t fair.”

Nodding, Julian conceded, “he does, doesn’t he?”

“Uh, thank you,” he said awkwardly, clearing his throat afterwards.

They all waved it off. Jake gathered the price of the haircut, following Julian to the desk whilst Huda stayed back with Bucky who felt his hair. Just like the 30’s, he marvelled, slightly in awe. Steve was going to go into shock when he saw. Sincerely, Huda repeated her likeness towards his new hair, asking for permission to touch it just to really understand it.

Bucky shrugged, not understanding why but was okay with it and let her.

“You look younger than Jake,” Huda said, awestruck. “How is that even possible?”

“Good genes?” he asked.

Huda chuckled. “Something like that.”

Paying the money, they left the building, Bucky still a bit jittery from the whole experience but dealing. When they were seated, ready to leave, it was Jake who broke the silence, grinning goofily. Bucky braced himself for what was about to come.

“So,” Jake said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Steve is in for a shock.”

Despite himself, Bucky laughed and shook his head, because of course that’s what Jake would be thinking. Steve was definitely not expecting this Bucky to arrive anytime soon. It was a shock alright.

“He’s going to be speechless, mouth open, jaw slacked, all that jazz. Can’t blame him though,” Huda hummed appreciatively, inducing an eye roll from Bucky and high five from Jake. So childish.

“I’m sure he’ll survive.”

“Oh ho Buckster,” Jake started, grinning. “He’s not going to know what hit him. We’re going out for dinner not tomorrow but...the day after. When he sees you looking good, feeling good, he’s going to question why he hasn’t made a move already. Trust me, I know these things.”

“Oh, you’re an expert, are you?” he asked, briefly glancing at him.

“He’s more than just an expert,” Huda answered seriously. “he’s a guru.”

Playing along, Bucky said, “apologies master guru, I didn’t mean to demean you.”

“Apology accepted.”

Bucky turned on the ignition, car rumbling to life under his fingertips. Checking his mirror and reminding them to put on their seatbelts, he was off. The drive was thirty minutes at most, he was pushing it with those numbers, but he didn’t want to say goodbye. After such a fulfilling day, he wanted to enjoy their company for just a while longer.

But, alas, they had lives, and he had Steve. They all had responsibilities and more importantly, they were tired. Sleep, relaxation and a bed was what they needed, and it was what he was going to give them. Dropping Huda off first, she gave him and Jake a sleepy hug, voice tired from singing along with the radio. Jake did the same, hugging him and mumbling a quiet, “goodnight Bucky, have a good one.”

Bucky was tempted to see him to his apartment, he seemed that out of it but had to get back. Steve might be wondering where he was. Or so he told himself. It was time to face the music.

Pulling into his garden, it was nearing 9pm and he was tired. All the drive was tiring, who knew. Taking a glimpse of his bags, he groaned into his hands and wondered if it was worth carrying them up at that moment. He could always do it tomorrow.

But, Steve might want to see them, and they were some damn well nice clothes. He better treat them good. So, sighing to himself he collected all of the bags, piling them on top of each other and dragged them back the cabin with him. They were heavier than they looked. It was a tiring experience.

Thankfully the door was unlocked, as always, so he walked straight in, house warm, tv on and Steve nowhere in sight. Dumping the bags onto the sofa, he shrugged off his jacket hanging it on the coat hanger and put his shoes beside the door. Shuffling to the stairs, he called, “Steve?” but there was no reply.

Frowning, he tried to think rationally and said again, “Steve?” hoping for a response.

There was one. “Be right down, Buck!” He was fine. He was safe.

Nodding to himself, he went back to the sofa, sitting down on the little space left and putting his feet up, groaning. Some satirical show played in the background, Dwight and Jim arguing over some mundane issues. He didn’t question it. Upstairs he heard Steve moving around, bustling in their room before he made his way down.

Padding softly on the stairs, a smile grew on Bucky’s face, fond. He was excited to see Steve’s reaction, as he personally loved it the new change he had underwent. It was a step closer to removing the Winter Soldier entirely from his physique, without the long hair, he was just Bucky. The one person he wanted to be.

“Hey, how was your-” Steve cut himself off, a silence replacing his unfinished sentence.

Bucky sat up from where he was sprawled, turning around so he could face the music once and for all. Steve’s mouth was open briefly, eyes wide contained with surprise and he was paused at the end of the stairs. Nervously, Bucky smiled, saying, “hey, punk.”

It prompted a laugh out of Steve, as his lips contorted into an open smile, and he regained movement in his limbs, walking forward. Bucky got up, trying to move his clothes out of the way so that Steve could sit.

“You cut your-”

“Yeah,” he responded, just a tad self-conscious and ran a hand through his remaining hair. Steve tracked the movement with his eyes, and Bucky grinned at him. “Like it?”

Steve spluttered, “like it? I love it! You look- wow. Happier. Lighter.”

Nodding, Bucky explained, “I thought we were just going to buy some clothes, but Jake and Huda conspired behind my back and booked me an appointment. It was all very high tech.”

“Yeah, electric razors and whatnot,” Steve mused, eyes still searching Bucky.

“Clearly you’re acquainted with these devices, I was formally introduced today. Still not sure how I feel. Imagine having these during the 30’s, Dorian would’ve love ‘em.” He always had a haircut by the same person, a friend before the war. Bucky wondered if he was alive. Probably not.

“I’m sure he did.” Steve smiled at him fondly. “You look great Buck, really good. How was shopping?”

“I don’t want to bore you with details, but it was sort of fun when I finally…” scoped the area and deemed it safe. “Anyway, we went to a couple of shops, got tonnes of outfits from each, as well as some accessories? Gloves, hats, that sort of thing. I don’t know much about this centuries style so it was mostly Huda and Jake choosing stuff for me to try. I got just about everything, shoes, trousers, shirts, jackets- you name it. My wardrobe is definitely going to be thicker when I put these in.”

Glancing at Steve, he saw him staring at him intently, an affectionate smile adorning his lips and a dazed look in his eyes. Bucky furrowed his eyebrows, asking, “is this boring? Sorry, I got excited I guess.”

“No! No, it’s just...you’ve always loved shopping. It was nice seeing you talk about it again, like nothing’s changed. It’s nice.”

Bucky nodded understandingly, replying, “everything’s changed but I guess some things stay the same. Turns out they could never get my love for shopping out no matter what.”

“Good, you always used to buy me my clothes, still have to apparently. I don’t know how to dress myself according to Sam,” Steve said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, he has a point. You always did dress like my grandpa and that was back then. You have to get with the times Stevie,” he said teasingly, accumulating all of the bags. “Anyway, I’ll put these upstairs and you put the documentary on? I won’t be long.”

“Sure Bucky.”

Dragging his baggage into his bedroom, he thrusted the bags onto the floor beneath the large window revealing the lake. The sky was illuminated on the still water, shimmering stars surrounding it and it was serene, peaceful. Smiling to himself, feeling that life couldn’t get any better, he joined Steve not even ten minutes later, and drank his hot chocolate whilst enjoying some cake, the documentary playing in the background.

It was nice, in a way he found himself getting used to. Life wasn’t all that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to think that I gave Huda and Bucky depth, that they're not plot devices to further stevebucky's relationship thank you very much 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this update! :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super long chapter I know, and the four characters we love so much having fun
> 
> that's what I like 
> 
> (also, not long to go now!!)

A couple of days later, Bucky was relaxed, slumped on the sofa and watching some random show on Steve’s list when he felt a vibration pulsate from his pocket. Without looking away from the screen, his hands navigated to the sound and recovered his phone.

“Bucky,” he answered, letting Jake or Huda reply.

“Do you think you’re smooth Barnes?” Huda asked, laughter evident in her voice. Imitating his voice, she repeated, “Bucky,” chuckling.

Grinning, Bucky explained ecstatically, “back in my days that was how you answered the phone. “

“It wasn’t that long-ago grandad,” she said, unaware of how long ago 80 years truly was. “But, I rang for a different reason. Tonight, we’re going somewhere nice so dress for the part, okay?”

“Where?” he wondered, interested, and dare he admit it, excited.

“Well...it’s a surprise and I don’t want to ruin it. Make sure you both dress nice, that’s all I’m saying,” she told him cryptically, smirking loudly.

“How will we know what to wear? Is it indoor, outdoor, we committing a heist? What do I even wear?” he enquired, listing the options.

“Indoor, not a heist and fairly local. There’s food involved, that good enough for you? Also, I knew this was coming, so wear the skinny blue jeans, grey shirt, navy blazer and brown shoes. All from TOPMAN, if you remember.”

He did. “I’m sold. When are we meeting up? Where? We taking the jeep?”

Humming, she explained, “come to mine at dot on five. I’ve already got us a car, it’s part of the whole thing, so you can park the jeep at mine and when we’re finished, you can take it home. That okay?”

“Course it is,” he said, nodding along. “I’ll let Steve know and we’ll definitely be there. See you in…” he checked the time on his phone. “-three hours. This is quite last minute.”

“I’ve had a hectic morning,” she admitted, sighing happily. “But it’s going to be worth it. You’re going to love it.”

He frowned, questioning, “you’ve spent all morning planning this?”

“Yeah,” she said as though it was obvious. “I was...invited and allowed to bring a plus one, which considering there’s four of us was a problem. So, I was trying to arrange a table for us, book a car and convince Jake to come shopping with me so we can get something to wear. As you can imagine, he was hard to convince but eventually agreed, so I was done. Now, I need to shower and start getting ready.”

“You know, you didn’t have to do that. You could’ve just taken Jake, we wouldn’t mind,” he proposed, guilty but still excited.

“Mhm,” she hummed. “I know, but I wanted to. It’s not the same if it’s not us all, you know? It was all or none.”

Smiling gratefully, he said sincerely, “thanks Huda. We really appreciate it.”

“It’s no problem. Now, I have a lot of people to prove wrong so make sure you look drool worthy, alright? Jake is looking good, thanks to my impeccable taste, now you and Steve better not let me down, or else there will be hell to pay. You hear me, Barnes?”

“Loud and clear, ma’am,” he affirmed, nodding along with a grin masking his face.

“Good. Now, I’ll talk to you later and see you in three. Here’s hoping for a good evening,” she said, hopeful.

“It will be,” he promised. “I’ll see you later Huda.”

“Bye Bucky,” she said, and he relayed the message before hanging up.

Looking up at the ceiling, he nodded to himself and extracted his body from the top of a woolly blanket. Slipping his feet into Steve’s slippers, he walked out of the house and peered at the garden from the top of his porch. Out in the distance, he saw a mop of blonde hair sat on a chair and gazing at the lake as the sun rays were dimmed by a block of clouds swimming past.

Waiting for a minute, Bucky leaned against the wooden rails surrounding the front of his house, he watched as Steve made delicate strokes on the page his book was open to. Lips moving, Bucky saw a smile grow on his face as he replied to what someone said over the phone. He looked so young, so casual and carefree without any boulders shackled to his feet following him as he trudged through his new life. He looked beautiful.

Clearing his throat awkwardly, Bucky pulled back, cancelling that train of thoughts and shaking the feelings out of his mind. He couldn’t think like that, not anymore. The want would eventually kill him and living with Steve meant it would be sooner than later. He had to forget about such a dangerous emotion, and focus on what he had, not what he didn’t.

Almost a year later, he had established a new life for himself, found Steve again and was piecing the broken pieces of his life back together. The final product wouldn’t be as good as it was when originally brought, but it was good enough for him.

Looking back at Steve, he thought to himself, it was good enough for him too and that was all that mattered. Everyone of importance in his life liked him as he was. What else could compare?

Strolling down the ladders, he sauntered over to Steve, listening to nature as it chirped and swayed, trying to block out Steve’s voice as he spoke with the Avengers. Whatever he did hear, he didn’t mean to.

When he got close enough, he said, “Steve,” in a low voice, trying to capture his attention.

Eyes darting to him, he watched Steve nod and grab his phone, trying to cover the speaker in time but failing.  “ _Was that who I think it was? Caps not so little boyfr_ -” he chuckled nervously.

“Huda rang and said she’s arranged a surprise night out for us so dress nice. We have to leave in two hours, that okay?” Bucky asked, anticipating the reply.

“ _Is it date night with_ -” Steve smiled, tightening his hold on his phone and affirmed, “sounds good to me. Do you know what she’s planned?”

Shaking his head, he vaguely replied, “something to do with food. You’re going to love it.”

“ _He’s going to love the dessert that comes after it too. Raging se_ -” Steve’s face drowned in red. “I’m sure I will. Let me just finish up here and I’ll get my stuff together.”

“That’s fine, I’m going to shower anyway. You can take the en-suite, I’ll be in the other.”

“ _I’m sure he’d rather join_ -” Stark was interrupted by someone shouting, “ _Tony_!” Steve shook his head fondly and tiredly.

“I’ll leave you to it,” Bucky said, backing away. “See you later, Stevie.”

Before he was out of range, he heard Stark coo, “ _he called him Stevie_!” and felt his own blush arise. He would not be embarrassed.

Returning to the house, he shrugged off the shoes so they were with the rest and ambled up the stairs, face burning and wondering what to wear. This was his first opportunity to showcase what he had bought and he wanted it to be good, he wanted feel it. So, opening his wardrobe doors, he looked inside.

The outfit Huda had described was already hung up, and he pulled it from the rack, looking at it calculatingly. If he wore this, then what would Steve wear? He had plenty of clothes, but what would constitute as ‘nice’ for Huda? Scrummaging through the drawers he had for him, Bucky tried to find something.

He retrieved a navy shirt, similar shade of blue to his blazer and put that on the bed. Searching through his trousers, he found black ones which seemed to be in great shape, which when found the tag attached, he realised why. Putting those with the shirt, he nodded to himself and looked at both of the outfits, satisfied.

Steve could iron his clothes when he had finished his phone call, Bucky was lucky that his weren’t in need of it, and Steve could find his own shoes. Bucky wasn’t feeling that kind. Collecting his underwear from a drawer at the bottom of his wardrobe, he left the room and entered the bathroom.

Jumping into the shower, he let the warm water glide down his body, warm the forever cold metal arm and console the stump where flesh turned to metal. The skin was scarred and mar, discoloured. The scars stretched to his chest, where they grazed his skin lightly, disappearing the further they travelled, but around the stump itself it was the worst of the damage.

He knew now, decades later, that Hydra had cut more of his arm off. The fall had taken it up to his elbow, that piece was due to the descend, however using an electric, swirling blade they removed it up to his shoulder whilst he was still conscious and delirious. The phantom pain would never stop since that revelation rocked his core and still did, months later, but he could ease it with the warm water.

Warm water which soothed the tormented skin, provided it heat and comfort that its host couldn't. It was just, every time he saw it, he remembered that moment and just how much they stole from him. His mind and body weren’t enough, they wanted flesh and bone. It was such a consuming thought.

He stayed in the shower for a long time, lost in those thoughts and the feeling that the heat induced. Picking up the sound of Steve walking through house, he wondered what he thought of the outfit Bucky chose but didn’t entertain the thought. He didn’t want to think about how he had purposely made their outfits match, it was just…

The shirt was nice, formal and fit the criteria. The rest of his attire were all casual, and he doubted that anyone of them would be wearing anything less than formal. He wanted Steve to look better than everyone, which was a familiar thought. He didn’t know why.

_“Steve come on, just brush it to the side but do something with it! Got to show the dames what they’re missing out on,” Bucky stated, hands slicked with product as he advanced to an adamant Steve._

_Shaking his head, Steve said, “no Bucky, you know it takes me forever to get out of my hair. Can’t I just leave it like this?”_

_“But you need to look the best, show all those fellas who God really blessed. Come on Steve, just a tiny bit?”_

_Groaning loudly, Steve nodded and rolled his eyes when Bucky grinned like he won the lottery. He didn't stop even when Bucky started to apply the product. “I don’t know why you do this, no one’s going to care apart from you. Heck, they won’t even notice!”_

_“Well, I will, and I’ll know you’re the best in that whole room. All those people who look down at you, they need to realise they’re in the wrong. You look a million times better than them, alright?”_

_“But, I don’t,” Steve grumbled, arms crossed on his chest stiffly with a permanent glare aimed at Bucky’s chest._

_“Hey,” Bucky called, voice offended and high. Pausing, he looked at Steve and said with raised eyebrows, “this hate has gotta stop. You’re better than they’ll ever be. You don’t need a big body, or muscles, or even the most perfect body. All you need is a good heart. Which, lucky for you, you have most of.”_

_“What’s got you so affectionate Barnes?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing in question. “You seem extra lovey tonight.”_

_Grinning, Bucky replied, “just appreciating life. And my boyfriend, so y’know, I’m happy.”_

Almost an hour later, he turned off the running tap, cutting the circulating water and letting the excess dribble down his body into the drain. A wave of cold air cloaked his body for a second, like the warm blanket he was huddled in was removed and the arctic winds ravaged his warmth. It was always so cold getting out of the shower.

Grabbing a towel from the large cabinet by the shower, he pat himself dry and used it squeeze the remaining water out of his wet hair, before wrapping it around his waist. Opening the bathroom window, he let some of the built-up steam pass through the gap, allowing the cold to seep in and wake him, erasing any drowsiness.

Collecting shaving products from the rack by the sink, he squeezed some shave gel onto his open flesh palm before applying it on his growing beard, really digging it in. Straining his ears, he could make out the vague sounds of Steve getting ready himself, music playing quietly in the background. Smiling to himself, he finished smoothing the cream.

He took his time getting rid of the stubble, light, gentle strokes washed away the remnants of hair. Flipping the razor, there was a single blade at the crease of the razor, which he used to remove the hard to reach hairs and straighten any disfigured lines. Satisfied with the results, he rinsed his face with cold water feeling warm, smooth skin beneath his fingertips.

Before he turned to get dressed, he applied some aftershave lotion just because that was what the box set said to do, and then looked in the mirror inspecting the final result. Twisting his face into different positions, he tried to locate any stray hairs but found that there were none, and he had successfully managed to get rid of them all. He was getting better.

After some time, he was ready to wear his clothes, sort out his hair and get out of the bathroom so he could put on his shoes and drive his and Steve’s ass to Huda’s. Thinking of it like that he realised just how much he had to do, and how time was definitely not on their side. Nodding to himself, he grabbed his underwear, first and foremost, and slipped into that, throwing the towel into the hamper.

Pulling the outfit apart from the clothes hanger, he looked at the navy and grey attire, wondering if he should go through with it, considering what he chose for Steve. It was too short notice to change, perhaps he should have thought about it when he decided the outfit, but it was too late now. He needed to dress himself.

Taking a deep breath, he shrugged his shoulders and decided that this was it. Without a chance to change his mind, he slowly put the clothes on, decorating his body in blue and grey. Everything fit him perfectly, he noted, and was still as comfortable as the day he bought it. He didn’t know why he thought it wouldn’t, that overnight it might switch sizes or his size may alter drastically. Whatever it was, thankfully it didn’t.

Moving onto his hair, he looked at himself in the mirror and then hopelessly at the hair products on the rack. Maybe he could just push it all back? Or maybe up, into a quiff? Maybe even to the side, sweep the longer hairs to the right. There were too many options, and not enough confidence for Bucky to follow through with it. In the end, he made a compromise, slicking it all to the back, but pushing the longer hairs to the side.

That way, there was nothing in front of his eyes, obstructing his vision and it looked good. Nice. So, that was a win in any case.

Leaving the bathroom, he reluctantly entered the shared bedroom, expecting Steve to be waiting there. He wasn’t. Confused but not worried, Bucky got himself socks that looked suspiciously like Steve’s, and retrieved the brown shoes from the TOPMAN bag. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he wore the socks and then the shoes, standing up and walking around to see if they felt fine on his feet.

Around the toe area they were a bit tight, but he knew very well that after a couple of wears they’d loosen up and fit just right. Whilst walking, he heard the en-suite bathroom door slowly creak open, and looking up to see, Steve stepped out, looking dazzling.

Blue shirt fitting him just right, the material stretched around the bulging biceps, accentuating the curves. The sleeves were pulled up to his elbow, revealing thick veins running up his arm and there was something glistening on his wrist, something that Bucky hadn’t seen until this encounter. Black trousers that were a snug fit consumed the end of his shirt, and they showcased his mesmerising thighs, which Bucky couldn’t look away from. Completing the outfit, he finished the look with black oxfords, polished and shinier than he had ever seen them before.

He looked beautiful. Eyes eventually reaching the piercing blue eyes, Bucky saw a timid smile on his face, and he asked, “think I look okay? I know you chose the outfit but I don’t know, the shirt seems a bit tight?”

Shaking his head, Bucky looked unsubtly at his chest and said, “no, no. I think you look great. Looks really good.”

“You’re not just saying that because we match? I’m sure I’ve got another blue shirt in their somewhere.” Steve smiled fondly, unaware of Bucky’s true intentions.

“No, no, I’m serious. You look really good. Honestly,” he repeated, because Steve truly did. The clothes made him appear sinfully beautiful, exhibiting his best assets. Bucky was tantalised.

“Well, you already know how great you look. As always Buck, you look the best,” Steve said genuinely, giving him a blatant once over that made him want desperately. But he couldn’t.

Grinning, he replied, “thanks Stevie, we both clean up nice, huh?”

“We sure do,” Steve said in return.

They left the bedroom together, chatting as they did and Bucky recovered his phone from the couch, his wallet and keys and gloves from the table (and his camera though Steve didn’t need to know that), before they exited the cabin together. Taking up their respective seats, Bucky drove the car out of their driveway and began the almost hour-long journey to Huda’s. Maybe he took his time, so he could admire Steve gazing out of the windows, attentive eye documenting the ever-changing scenery and etching the image to his memory.

Bucky knew he loved to embed memories to paper as often as he could, that’s why whenever he could get away with carrying a notebook, pencil, and silence, he would, resulting in hour long solitude sessions of drawing. He was constantly inspired.

However, these things never last, which is why they reached Huda’s house too soon, but they were psyched for the incoming evening. Good food with even better company, the night was going to be perfect, he could feel it. They walked up the stairs and through the building until they reached a familiar door, clenched hand rapping the wooden surface.

Jake answered the door, a bright grin welcoming them in. As Bucky obliged, he looked Jake up and down in unconcealed wonder, before gazing into his eyes and exclaiming, “Jake! Wow, looking good pal. Real good.”

A light blush grew on his face, making Bucky think it was just one of those days, but he nodded, and said, “what can I say? It’s the face that makes the outfit.”

Sputtering a laugh, Bucky affirmed, “yeah, I can see that. You look incredible.”

He was wearing navy jeans- almost black, held up by a brown belt and buckled around his hips. A navy buttoned up shirt, with the top two buttons left undone exposing piercing collarbones, with a tweed, brown blazer to top it all off. In the blazer pocket was a small rose, peeking out from behind the fabric and slumped on the front, meaning that it had fallen out of place. Finishing it off with dark brown shoes similar to Bucky, his blonde hair was pulled up into a quiff and styled with such intricacy that Bucky wanted to touch it. He didn't.

Instead, he reached into his pocket and retrieved a sly camera he had deposited for this very reason and turned it on before snapping a candid photo of Jake as he grinned, looking down at his shoes shyly, mirth expressed all over his features. Hearing the sound of the camera shutters, he looked up, mouth open in protests and a laugh squeezing out of his throat, allowing Bucky to take another picture. He looked beautiful.

“Bucky!” Jake said, voice lacking any real protest as he shook his head. “You could’ve warned a guy.”

“I wanted to capture the essence of your flawless beauty, and for that I needed to surprise you,” he explained, shoulders shaking gently as he suppressed a laugh.

Rolling his eyes, Jake said, “you could’ve asked! But how did they turn out, let me see if they’re Instagram worthy.”

Complying, he showed the images which came out great, and allowed Steve, who looked over his shoulder to see too. He was the first to speak, whistling, “Jake, you look great.”

“You’re right, I do.” Jake’s blue eyes seemed attached to the photos.

“Here, let me take some more. You can decide later if you want to keep them or not,” Bucky offered, nudging him to the side.

Nodding enthusiastically, Jake contorted his body into different poses, in different settings, letting Bucky click as many pictures as he could, grinning the entire time. That was until, he invited Steve to join him. At first, Steve shook his head, chuckling his decline, but after incessant demands, he caved in. It was hard to say no to Jake.

“Come on Steve, smile like you want to be here. Maybe when all the ladies see you on my page they’ll talk to me. It’s for a good cause!” Jake said, body vibrating.

From her bedroom, Huda made herself known, calling, “you’re a lost cause Campbell, not even Steve can help.”

Abruptly, Bucky burst out laughing, shoulders shaking uncontrollably as Steve joined in and Jake pouted. Looking at them all individually, he said, “you’re all assholes, stop laughing at my despair! But you know what? Jokes on you, Steve’s going to land me a lady, so hah! No-one can resist a body like that. And let me just say, the shirt does you justice. Damn Steve!”

Bucky could see a crimson glow appear on Steve’s cheek, and smiled proudly. “I mean, he’s built like a damn Adonis. You’re actually beautiful Steve, and if Bucky don’t treat you right, let me. I’ll show you a good time.” Just to emphasise his point, he wiggled his eyebrows.

Steve couldn’t help it and exploded in laughter, head leaning back as he clutched his left boob. Jake followed shortly, leaning onto him and with Huda’s voice radiating from her bedroom, Bucky took three pictures, all of them while they were distracted and unaware of what he was doing. Looking back at them, his heart swelled considerably. They both looked incredibly young, exhilarated, and unassuming. It was a good look.

“You have my number Steve, I’ll be waiting!” Jake stated, encouraging their laughing fit. Bucky joined in.

However, when Huda stepped out of her bedroom enclosure, the noise ceased as they were rendered speechless, awestruck by her. She was wearing Asian attire, that was the first thing Bucky admired, and fell in love with it instantly.

The suit itself was a cream colour, with white embroidery stitched all over the dress in various designs, symmetrical until her waist, and at the bottom it was a large streak of white designs. Her arms were long and big, exposing her delicate wrists from which bared a simple gold bracelet. Controlling the elongated mouth of the sleeves was a seemingly brown scarf, around her right elbow and over her left shoulder. It was decorated with flower prints, mostly hidden from view but colourful enough to be seen.

She wore thin, chino-like trousers which caved around her ankles, gold patterns drawn around the width of the bottoms, until they reached just below her knee, looking like a heartbeat. Underneath it all, she wore simple, gold heels strapped around her feet, revealing perfectly manicured and glossy nails.

Her hair was left as it was open, reaching her breasts and pulled to the side, Bucky noted that it was cut to harbour gentle layers. Hanging off her right ear was a large, circular, gold earring that pulled on the flesh as it dangled next to her cheek. He was certain the twin was attached the other ear. To enhance the simplicity and beauty of the entire look, her makeup was casual, or well, appear that way anyway.

She looked at that with a raised eyebrow, and asked, “so, how do I look?”

“Jesus Christ, you look beautiful,” Bucky ejected, overwhelmed and completely in love. He saw Steve turn to him briefly. “Huda, you look, fucking amazing. I’m sorry, I just.”

“Fucking amazing sounds just about right…” Jake said, voice amazed just like Bucky.

“You look beautiful Huda, truly amazing,” Steve followed, just as unhinged as them. “Gorgeous.”

“Thank guys,” she said, grinning. “I wasn’t too sure, I mean the kameez is really big for me, but that’s in right now so I figured I’d just go for it. Plus, it goes with your outfits too! We all look good.”

“Okay, we all look good,” Jake said, pointing at the three of them. “You look out of this world. Like a model. Like a freaking, I don’t know. You look beautiful.”

Bucky raised his camera, blinking a few times to collect himself and tuned it to Huda, waiting for the right moment to take the picture. He needed evidence of this moment, that’s all he wanted. The opportunity arose when Jake ushered her to him and Steve, putting her in between them, and ordering Bucky to take a picture.

Not wanting anything to disrupt the moment, he nodded and programmed the camera to achieve the best photo it could, before clicking the button and hearing the shutters sound. Then, he himself took over, shooing Steve and Jake to the side and instructing her to look down, let her hair cascade down her chest. Crossing her feet in front of each other, he placed her left hand in hair, just digging into the free-falling strands, and raised the other so the ring and bracelet gleamed in the light.

It came out graceful and elegant, just like her. Bucky couldn’t stop grinning.

Taking a few more of them all, some of just her, or Jake, or even Steve. Some as a group, some as duos, it was Jake who grabbed the camera from him, and navigated him to her and set them in positions, exclaiming, “say cheese!” Bucky laughed instead.

“Since you’re both tan, you look good together, I’ll give you that,” Jake said, projecting the image on the small camera screen using Steve’s help.

It was Huda who shook her head, taking the camera and said, “nope, I’ll tell you which duo looks better.”

Grabbing a hold of Steve, she guided him to Bucky, ignoring his disbelieving protests and told him to stand. Steve made to move. Not wanting the moment to finish before it had developed, Bucky grabbed Steve’s arm softly, groaning, “come on Steve, you’ve taken a picture with everyone but me!”

Steve blushed exquisitely, white cheeks blooming with colour, as he said, “no Bucky, take it with Jake instead.”

Relentless, he continued, “but Steve, I want one with you. Come on pal, just like the old days?” During the war they had many pictures taken together to improve spirit and effort. They were difficult to look at, and Bucky wanted new ones.

It seemed to get through to him, since he stopped trying to move, and smiled to himself shaking his head. Bucky heard the shutter snap. “You’re a hard man to please Barnes, but I’ll see what I can do.” He pointed a joking finger at him, grinning to reveal pearly whites, and Bucky returned the gesture, joyous to hear the shutter again. Steve looked riveting, teasing and simply gorgeous. He wanted to store that permanently.

Steve stood beside him, a few inches apart and looked at the camera expectantly. Bucky itched to have him closer but recalled the pictures had them stood this far apart. He knew they didn’t own a camera of their own.

“Steve, you’re practically stood across the room, come closer!” Jake encouraged walking up to them. Inclining Steve to Bucky, he said, “yeah, that’s fine, now how about you wrap an arm around his waist? Go on.”

Bucky felt Steve do it hesitantly. “Good, you look better. Now, move your face inwards, I’m sure Bucky doesn’t smell that bad, I can smell his shampoo. Nice shampoo, by the way. What brand is it? Your hair is so thick and-”

“Jake,” Huda intervened.

“Oh right, right. Anyway, as I was saying, yeah move closer. Closer. A tiny bit more, yep that’s it. Now move into his chest Bucky, I’m sure it’s not too hot. I’ll admit he’s got a hot bod, but Jesus, so have you. Heat meeting heat does nothing, so that’s it. Lean on him Buckster.”

Bucky could feel Steve stiffen.

“Okay, great. Fantastic. Now, if you both stop looking like someone’s put a gun to your head that would be much appreciated,” Jake said, backing away.

“This is going to be a beautiful picture,” Huda stated, voice full of warmth.

To diffuse some of the tension, Bucky said, “every picture with me is. I’m beautiful.” Turning to wink at Steve.

Steve loosened behind him, and tightened his grip on Bucky’s waist, grinning.

“Yeah, you’ve been spending too much time with Jake,” Huda decidedly, with a sigh. “It needs to stop, like, right now.”

Bucky shrugged. “I didn’t ask for good looks, it was given to me. Not my fault.”

Behind him, he felt Steve’s chest rumble as he spoke. “What good lucks?”

“You traitor!” Bucky gasped, turning in Steve’s arm, still within his embrace as he looked up into the calming sky-blue eyes. “How could you?”

Smiling, Steve looked around in feign nonchalance. “Just stating facts Buck.”

“All I’m hearing is lies, might want to look up on these so-called facts, Rogers,” he said, tapping Steve’s firm chest with his index fix. God, it was a damn brick.

“I don’t make the rules, I just follow them.” He seemed smug, the beautiful bastard.

“Screw your rules and screw you!” Bucky exclaimed, grinning as Steve started laughing.

To his right, Jake interrupted their moment, saying, “no screwing in his house please, thanks. We’re all innocent here.”

Incredulous, Bucky heard Huda divulge, “you’ve had sex plenty of times you goof, what are you talking about?”

Hearing that word, Bucky took a step back, suddenly realising that they were too intimate for it to be platonic and he didn’t want to do spawn any more feelings. He had them abundantly. Steve cleared his throat, probably realising it too and took his own step back, reinstating the space between them. In the background, Jake and Huda bickered.

“Okay, never mind, we have to go. You two lovebirds ready?” Huda asked, rolling her eyes at Jake who followed her as she went to find her keys. Bucky smiled.

“He really loves her, huh?” Steve said, looking at them sadly.

“I think if he had to, he’d die for her. But, it’s not like that, there’s nothing there romantically. They love each other in ways that surpasses lovers. When you’re in love with someone like that, there’s no falling out of it. They’re eternal. Too intimate to be family, but platonic in terms of romance. Their love has no name.” Bucky listened to them wistfully.

“Have they never-?”

Shaking his head, Bucky said, “nope. I’ve known them for almost a year and they’re just like this. They’re in love but not like that.”

“That’s beautiful,” Steve confessed quietly. “It’s memorable.”

“Yeah, it really is.”

“But haven’t you ever wanted them to get together? Like, thought they’d look really good?”  Steve asked, eyes fixated at the kitchen entrance.

Sighing contemplatively, Bucky responded, “No, not really. If they ever have or did get together I would definitely be rooting for them, but their friendship is beautiful. I think both them and me prefer the beauty of that. Just because their friends and work well, doesn’t mean they have to fall in love.”

“Yeah, I get you,” Steve agreed, deep in thought. “Sometimes it’s better to be friends than to pursue something that doesn’t exist.”

“Yeah, if they don’t want each other romantically then why go for it? It’s a stupid decision. If they did, or one of them did and it persisted, then for the sake of their friendship I would hope that they did.”

“Why? To ruin it?”

Bucky shook his head. “No, because they deserve to let their feelings be known and to know if the other feels the same. If they do, great, lucky them. But if they don’t, then they’re one step closer to moving on. It’s kindness.”

Their conversation was interrupted when Huda returned. “Alright, I have my keys and wallet and phone. Now, let’s go, car’s already there.”

“Can I leave my camera here? I don’t want to take it with me,” Bucky asked, already putting it on her table.

“Sure Bucky, just remember to collect it afterwards,” she said.

They all waited for her to turn off the lights, ensure all the sockets were empty and there was nothing left for her to do. Locking the door, she strut down the corridor, surrounded by them and lips sealed. Steve had questioned her about their night, but she refused to spill. He knew the least out of all of them.

Outside was a sleek, black car, sides highlighted with the overhead pathway light. It was quite big, despite the size and someone was waiting beside the door of the back seats. Dressed in a dapper suit, he harboured a friendly smile and nodded when they approached him.

Opening the door, they all piled in, saying their thank you’s with a smile of their own, and warm hearts. He instructed them on how to access the aux, indicating to the correct settings and pointing at the wire. Jake bubbled with excitement.

“Why are you happy? All you’re doing is playing some music.”

Jake made an affronted noise. “He who controls the aux has all the power. Now sit back and relax, I’ve got us covered.”

Nodding, Bucky leaned back, arching just slightly onto Steve, too carefree to worry of the repercussions and listened to Huda instruct a fumbling Jake. In the end she took over completely and set it up for him, ignoring his childish grumbles. When she had finished, she passed him his phone and stuck a tongue out, squinting her eyes. Jake tried to catch it with her fingers, but she retracted quickly, guffawing.

“That’s gross,” he told them.

Steve shifted. “Ignore him, he doesn’t remember the shit he used to get up to at that age.”

Wasn’t he in the war then? Jake and Huda tuned into Steve, smirking at him as they encouraged Steve to elaborate. Bucky groaned. The imminent story would be embarrassing, no doubt in that.

“I had gone on walk, trying to get my fill of exercise,” Steve started, nodding when Jake confirmed, “because you weren’t so strong then.” Continuing, he said, “I thought I’d join Bucky on his way back to the apartment, it was dark, a bit chilly and the floor was wet, it had poured before I left. Anyway, he sees me and at first, he’s happy, hugging me like I hadn’t seen him in the morning and throwing an arm around my shoulder. Then, when he saw the rain puddles, water everywhere, he started to complain that I could get ill, blah blah.”

“Hey, it’s because you could!” Bucky protested.

“I told him to stuff it, that I didn’t care and if he was going to complain I’d leave him homeless for the night. That shut him up. But then, he started kicking water at me, acting all innocent as he jumped into the puddles and ignoring me when I told him to stop it. By the time I got my revenge, my trousers were soaked. Anyway, I saw a big one myself, almost the size of me with gallons of water inside.”

Bucky didn’t remember the story, but he had a feeling he knew what was to occur. He smiled fondly.

“I run up to it, and because he’s a worrier he runs after me, shouting, ‘what’s wrong Stevie? Is it those Johnson boys again? Steve!’ and I just ignore him until I reach the puddle. Then, just before it I stop, letting him storm past me a couple of steps, and when he stops, looking back, I jump into the water, splashing it everywhere and drenching him completely.” Steve grinned, as though he was visualising the memory as he recollected.

In the other seats, Jake and Huda started laughing, with Jake nudging his knee and exclaiming, “oh, he put you in your place!”

“But there’s more,” Steve said, eager. “He’s in shock, can’t believe that I actually did that. So, he starts chasing me to this huge field near our house but he’s careful, because he doesn’t wanna aggravate my lungs, and when I get there he literally grabs me and lifts me off the floor, before throwing us both into the mud. He was laughing so much, I’m sure he swallowed a chunk of it.”

Jake was laughing uncontrollably, leaning back and clutching his chest, before leaning forward and slapping his knee. Huda leaned into him, following in suit, slapping his knee too as the two of them were consumed by the hilarity. Steve chuckled wholeheartedly beside him, causing Bucky to imitate him, as he punched his arm and said, “damn it Rogers, you didn’t have to tell them that I ate it!”

“You ate so much you couldn’t get out of bed,” Steve said, giggling to himself as he shook his head. “Kept saying that you could see a white light in the distance, that you left your shirts for me because I had nothing to my name, and when you were dead you’d come back to haunt my skinny ass. It was pretty funny.”

“No wonder there was no secrets between us, I literally ate mud for your skinny ass. When are you repaying the favour?” he grumbled petulantly.

“Yeah Steve, when are you going to grab him by the waist and throw yourself into the mud? I’m sure Bucky wouldn’t mind,” Huda said teasingly, a knowing glint nestled in her eyes.

Steve’s iris sparkled. “You up for round two, Buck? I can pick you up now, twirl you in the air if you want, since that’s what you did to me you jerk.”

Bucky backed away, glaring at him with no heat. “Don’t touch me Rogers, Jake knows self-defence.”

“Actually, it’s Huda,” Jake corrected, whispering loudly.

“Huda knows self-defence and offense,” Bucky amended, staring at Steve suspiciously. “Touch me and you’re a dead man walking.”

“Is that so?” Steve asked, eyebrow raised, amused. “You really going to beat me up Huda?”

“Of course not Steve, twirl Bucky all you want. Let him feel the wind in his hair, it’ll do him some good!”

“Well, you heard her,” Steve said with a not-so-innocent shrug.

“Jake!” Bucky cried, hoping to accumulate some support from him.

“Nope,” was all he replied, destroying Bucky’s chance at forming an alliance.

Gaping, he turned to look at him. “I thought we were friends.”

“Have you seen Steve? I’m trying to win that, come back to me when you’re built like Captain America,” he stated, waving it off.

Steve stiffened at his superhero name. Bucky turned to look at him, saw the questions blur past as he tried to decide the next action. Bucky shook his head in calmness he didn’t feel.

“He’s got nothing against Captain America, that isn’t even muscle.” He gestured to Steve’s compact chest, which was indeed full of muscle.

Grinning, a teasing way which meant hell was incoming, Huda said innocently, “why don’t you feel it? See if it’s all fat or muscle.”

“I can see perfectly clear,” he told her, glaring in a knowing fashion. He knew very well what she was trying to do. Unfortunately, so did Jake.

“Yeah Bucky, why don’t you? Us three know it’s not but you need some convincing. You gonna let him Steve?” Jake was smirking as he spoke, a tell-tale face declaring he knew exactly what he was doing.

Steve drew a nervous sort of laugh, another thing the ice hadn’t changed. “I don’t think he needs to, honestly. Maybe he’s just jealous or in denial?”

“For some reason, I don’t think it’s jealousy,” Huda said, glancing at him. “But, you’re probably right. He could be in denial, he’s seen the facts just doesn’t want to accept them.”

“Sure, I’m in denial.” He scoffed to just play up to the game. “If you insist. Anyway, Jake I’m still waiting on the music. Huda saved your ass ten minutes ago.”

“Alright, alright. I always welcome a distraction, I do.”

Jake rummaged through his phone, gazing intently at the screen as he searched for a sweet melody to occupy the comfortable silence. Over his shoulder, Huda looked down at the phone, shaking her head when she disagreed with his choice, and nodded when she did. They both couldn’t seem to agree on one thing, always alternating in choice.

“Any day now,” he drawled, ignoring Jake who stuck his tongue out.

This time, Huda tried to grab his. Jake made an indignant cry, nudging her gently and she lightly punched his arm, both grinning. After further consideration, Bucky eventually heard something play, a soft tune, as opposed to what he expected with a deep voice to accompany it. He nodded appreciatively.

“Not bad, Jake. I’m impressed,” said Bucky, trying to seem as patronising as possible.

“You wouldn’t know what music is even if it hit you on the face with a book,” Jake retorted, huffing his chest in defence.

Bucky laughed. “Alright soldier, let’s not initiate a war, I won’t insult you with pre-conceived expectations and you don’t hit me with a book, deal?”

“Yeah, that’s right loser. I’m amazing and don’t you ever forget it,” Jake said, shaking his head side to side as he spoke, childlike.

The journey was uneventful but full of mirth, as they talked, listened to music, laughed. By the time it came to an end, Bucky was surprised it was over so soon.

Huda’s face immediately illuminated with infectious pride and excitement, as the slow car took a right, entering a parking lot. They couldn’t see outside, windows tinted, but he could just about make up the vicinity as could Steve and tried to assess the situation.

When the car came to a stop, Huda was practically vibrating in her seat, ready to go. Glancing at their faces, Bucky could see she was hoping that they’d like her surprise, desired some kind of approval- even if they didn’t like it, they would damn well act like they did. She had put in too much effort for it to be disregarded.

“So, you guys ready for the finale?” she asked, grinning, smile stretched from ear to ear.

Nodding amongst them, Steve replied earnestly, “I can’t wait.”

The driver opened the door then, smiling at them as he ushered them gently out of the car. Putting one foot out, Bucky’s body huffed onto the floor, and he let go of the car looking up as the other followed. Eyes widening, he walked to the side, letting Steve pass and his vision transitioned to Huda.

Nodding like she already knew, she let them digest the grandeur of the structure. Steve was probably less surprised than him, considering he was friends with the likes of Tony Stark, but this sort of extravagance was foreign to Bucky, and perhaps Jake too.

It was a large building decorated with dazzling lights that pierced into the irises of those who glanced at the vast design. The double glass doors welcoming them were pulled apart, revealing the interior of the building, bodies, and devices all at steps leading inside the grand expanse. Multiple large windows towered side by side, exposing tables and chandeliers and as Bucky stepped to the side to peer in, he saw a bar and said, “wait, Huda, is this-”

“Yup,” she affirmed, grinning brightly. “My cousin has opened her first ever restaurant and I got up us all tickets for the opening night.”

Jake burst. “No way! So, wait, we're practically royalty here? You're related to the owner.”

“Maybe not royalty but yes, we are important, just like everyone else,” she amended carefully, looking at Jake pointedly. “The menu’s fixed so I didn't have a say in that, but Jake you've ate most of it anyway and I'm sure you boys will be alright too.”

“If the food is anything like the building, I'm sure we'll be more than alright,” Steve said, gazing back at the spectacular structure.

“Oh, trust me it is,” Huda agreed, smile inducing one on everyone's face. “So, let's go. I reserved a table just for us, so it'll be smaller than everyone else's, but I figured it'll make you more comfortable seeing familiar faces.”

That was aimed at Bucky, and the name was left unsaid, but they all knew. And they all appreciated it too.

“Quite a few family members will be here...so yeah, if you feel overwhelmed just take a breather. They'll probably say hi and I promise they don't bite, but I do understand that it is a large setting and you've gotta put yourself first. Especially you Jake, if your anxiety starts coming out let us know,” she explained, glancing at him as they entered.

“Yeah, I know and I will, but I'm feeling good so not to worry, we’re doing great!”

Hm. Bucky never noticed he struggled in social settings. How unobservant could he get?

“Okay, and the last thing is, have fun. I invited you all so we can have a good time. You ready?” she asked.

They nodded simultaneously. Walking up to a waiter who was stood beside the entrance, Huda nodded swiftly at the person manning the reception, entering the large ballroom, head high and smile bright. She walked past the large desk, where papers scattered the surface, a box of sweets sat atop the highest surface, and where it dipped to conceal the workplace, an unlikely computer with other components. Unsure of where they lay, the rest of them followed her inspecting the interior of the restaurant.

It was elegant. On either sides of the large windows were dangling leaves, falling from thin stems of a tree but high enough to miss hitting the tables. Curtains were rolled up on the top, a golden strap enclosing them multiple times but just for display he thought. There were more curtains bracketing the transparent glass.

Chandeliers dangled from the sky, scattered across the vast expanse like droplets of paint and providing little lighting. Spotlights coloured in the blanks and blared down at the ground, illuminating a white tiled floor. White walls harboured a range of paintings, pinned just beneath spotlights that were further down than the rest, and statues which basked in the corners of the room.

Impressed, Bucky saw a bar in the far corner, selling beverages he couldn’t identify, a large slot at the back of the room exposing a busy kitchen, and multiple seating arrangements he was struggling to keep up. Snowy pillars were placed around the bar, small surfaces erecting on it where carefully placed candles burned, scenting the room.

There were booths, circular open boxes with a large table in the middle empty of any cutlery but capable of possessing almost all of it. Then there were rectangular tables situated all across the floor, various oak coloured chairs surrounding the wooden surface, introducing dark colours into the theme.

In a busy setting, Bucky imagined that there would be plenty of walking space. Perhaps it was because some tables had been removed for the evening, or maybe this was it, the layout he saw. He couldn't be sure, but he was amazed nonetheless. He could never fabricate this design.

(Plus, the multiple escape routes proved easy for him to access. That was just an appendage though.)

“Huda!” a voice interjected his examination. “Oh, beta how are you? It’s been so long.”

Bucky watched her light up in surprise and pivot gracefully on her heels, grinning brightly at an approaching woman. She was dressed in an outfit similar to Huda’s, but with a scarf draped loosely on her head. He saw confusion on Steve and Jake’s face which mirrored his own.

“Pupo!” she exclaimed, opening her arms, ready to envelop the woman. Visibly hugging her tightly, she replied, “hi, I’m good, how are you?”

“Hello, mein bi teek hoo. Do you like it? What do you think, hm?” she asked, smiling, accent thick but not hard to understand.

Sighing blissfully, Huda shook her head and confessed, “I love it. She did a phenomenal job. I'm so proud of her.”

“I know, I am too. She wanted to do loads of colours, but I told her ‘Nadia, no rainbows’, it's very off putting,” Nadia’s mum continued, rolling her eyes at the memory.

Bucky smiled to himself.

Huda glanced at him, face dawning in realisation, and quickly looking back at Nadia’s mum. “Pupo, these are my friends, Steve, Bucky and Jake.”

Nadia’s mum turned to look at them, eyes lighting up and a chuckle passing through her gaped jaw. “Oh, I didn't even see you there! Hi, I'm the owners mum. Huda’s aunty.”

Nodding, Steve and Bucky let Jake initiate the first contact, unsure of how to respond and react. Meeting family was a huge part of friendship, they both knew that much.

“Yeah, you're her pup-o, right? Did I say that right?” he asked, grinning.

Mirroring his smile, Huda confirmed, “nailed it. And yeah, she's my dad's sister.”

“Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you ma’am,” Jake said, placing a hand over his heart, and leaning forward.

Huda’s aunt was thrilled. “Please, call me Zulaikha. Ma’am makes me feel so old.”

“Of course, you don't look a day over thirty, it would be a shame to make it seem like anything but,” he said, winking easily, but carefully. Bucky saw a stutter as his eyelid descended. He was nervous.

Elbowing Huda gently, her aunt told her, “I like him Huda. You should keep him around.”

Sighing and shaking her, as though the responsibility was too great, Huda replied, “if you insist. He's a handful but I'll manage somehow.”

“Hey!” Jake cried, eyebrows raised. “I'm great.”

“Sure you are Jakey,” Huda said as her aunts eyes travelled to Bucky.

He stiffened by a fraction, a strained smile overcoming his lips. Small talk, he wasn't a big of it. But he had to make a good impression. Before speaking, he saw her gaze prolong on his concealed hands, wonder painted on her features.

“Hi, I'm Bucky,” he said lamely, swiping his hand in the air until he quickly dropped it. He was so awkward. “It's lovely to meet you,” he said, imitating Jake’s gesture by pressing a palm over his hand and leaning forward.

She wasn't short, well shorter than them, but still quite tall. Thankfully, bending forward didn't look to awkward. That he couldn't escape.

“Buck-ee? That's a weird name, I hope you don't mind me saying. You can find a Steve and Jake around the corner in America, but a Buck-ee is rare,” she commented, smiling kindly.

Bucky's heart eased, and he nodded, laugh puffing out him. “Yeah, it's a nickname I've had from childhood. Just stuck, I guess,”

“A great nickname if you ask me. It’s nice to hear something different every once in a while,” she said.

Laughing cynically, he replied, “well, there’s nothing normal about me whatsoever. It must be your lucky day.”

“Well, people like you get stuff done. So, it’s not so bad.” She smiled at him brightly. “Being different strangely has its perks.”

“I’m sure you’re right ma’am,” he affirmed, not believing any of it.

“Zulaikha,” she corrected, rolling her eyes. It must be a family thing Bucky decided. “I’m not that old yet.”

“Not a day over 30,” he assured, not even lying. She was doing great for herself.

“Oh, you’re too kind!” she gushed, hand flailing over her heart. “I like you Buck-ee, you’re a nice boy.”

He didn’t comment on how he was a man and let her assume. It made no difference to him. Though it did to Jake, who inputted, “what about me pup-o? Do you like me?”

Chuckling she confirmed, “of course Jake, it’s hard not to.”

Smiling smugly, he stuck his tongue out to Huda, who in good nature rolled her yes. The similarities between her and her aunt were astonishing.

“And you must be Steve,” she said, addressing Steve. Staring at his face, her face contorted in slight confusion and she said, “I've seen you somewhere, haven't I? Are you famous?”

Clearing his throat, Steve shook his head and stated, “no, I'm a...history professor. So, you might have seen me come up on a conference or something like that.”

Unconvinced, she continued staring at him, nodding slowly. “Hm, well, I'm glad you can make it. Today's a big for the family.”

“Pupo, I didn't give them a chance to miss it. I didn't tell them where were going until now,” Huda informed her proudly.

Gasping, her aunty turned to her and said, “Huda!”

“What? It was a surprise! They all love Asian food, and this is a treat for them. I'm being a good friend,” she claimed, grinning slyly.

“The very best,” Bucky added just because he could.

“Well…” Jake drawled. “She's alright I guess.”

“You're lucky she invited you,” Steve told him, chuckling.

“I'm the life of our party Steve, you're killing my vibe,” Jake complained.

“I can see why Jake, you can’t stay quiet,” she said, a knowing look in her eyes. “My Nadia’s just the same, can never stop talking.”

“So, I’m friends with the wrong family member?” He shook his and said, “damn, me and Nadia would’ve been great.”

Chuckling, she agreed, “like a house on fire. So, Huda is perfect for you, she keeps you mellowed.”

“I don’t mind chaos, Huda is allergic to it,” Jake stated distastefully.

“Excuse me for liking order Jake,” she replied.

“You’re excused,” he muttered sadly, sniffling even though his face was void of tears and sadness.

“You’re a drama queen, Campbell,” Steve told him.

“I don’t mind being a queen if I’m yours,” he retorted playfully, and they all erupted in laughter.

Huda’s aunt laughed delightfully at their bickering. They stopped talking, looking at her sheepishly but she shook her head, encouraging them to continue. She had to leave now anyway.

“I like them a lot Huda. Ye bahoot achay hay. Inko paas rakhna,”

“I will pupo, for as long as I can. Bye, I’ll talk to you later,” she replied.

“Bye beta.” Her aunt smiled at her, before waving at all of them and wandering off.

They all sighed in not-at-all concealed relief. There was something scary about the scrutiny of an actual adult (something that Bucky was) and judgemental. All he knew from previous programming was he had to impress.

Huda was grinning when they looked up at her, face expectant and gleeful. “So?” she asked. “How was that?”

“Terrifying,” Bucky admitted. But then he smiled at an afterthought. “She’s a lovely woman, I can see where you get your eye rolling from.”

“Yeah, it’s scarily similar, I couldn’t tell who was who for a second!” Jake agreed, exaggerating the obvious truth.

“It wasn’t that similar,” Bucky amended, “but it was enough.”

“I like her,” Steve interjected, promptly changing the subject. “She’s just happy, you know? It’s nice to be surrounded by that. Plus, she has a calming aura around her, can’t go wrong with that.”

“I’ll be sure to let her know,” Huda said, nodding proudly. “She’s a people's person, likes to know when she’s made a good impression.”

“She’s our pupo now, if that helps your case,” Jake told her.

“Yeah, it does. Now, anyone want a drink, snack? I can see some food near the bar, and all the drinks seem to be there too. Non-alcoholic as far as I can tell,” she explained, raising her head to look over the mass of bodies engulfing the area.

“I’m good, how about you guys check it out?” Bucky offered, eyebrows raised.

Seeing so many people in one area, it didn’t sit well in his stomach. He’d rather avoid it if he could, which was probably the sensible thing to do. If he had an episode here, despite not having one for months, it could be severe and damaging.

Huda and Steve decided to go, Jake remaining with Bucky and they drifted into the crowd, Huda at controlled ease and Steve with guarded calmness. Sighing, Bucky looked at Jake and said, “just you and me, pal.”

“Yup, started from the bottom now we’re here.”

“Huh?” He didn’t catch onto the reference.

“It’s a Drake song- never mind you probably won’t like it. The song’s boring and from what I’ve gathered you don’t care about music, so I’ll save you from the explanation,” said Jake.

“I used to like music,” he reminisced, looking down at his feet briefly as lights and colour flashed before his iris. “Me and Steve, we- we used to go dancing.”

Perking like a flowers bloom in a snapshot, Jake was eager to reply, “dancing? As in ballroom and fancy dress and the whole lot?”

“Well, not fancy dress. Steve used to wear his nice suspenders, and shiniest shoes, even let me slick his hair back if I was lucky. I’d change out of my work clothes and wear my cleanest trousers and whitest shirt, matching Steve’s suspender with my own, and we’d go down to the community building. It was free, only had to pay for drinks and food, so it was nice.”

“If you had told me this eight months ago I probably would never have believed you,” Jake divulged, causing an image of Bucky in his bloody clothes and permanent glare to come to mind. “But now, I can honestly see it. I can see you dancing.”

“I used to be good too,” he continued, interpreting a vague memory of laughter and smiles as such. “It was Steve who struggled. Used to get embarrassed cause people were looking, it was a mission to teach him even when we were alone.”

“Again, I can see it. He’s always keeping himself together a certain way, doesn’t want to be seen even though he has such an imposing body. There’s just something loudly righteous about him, and a tender reservedness that seems to alleviate when you're near, but otherwise he sort of keeps to himself,” Jake explained, glancing thoughtfully at Steve as he and Huda conversed by the bar.

“Oh definitely, he likes to stay in his own mind- a bit of dreamer. He enjoys going out, but not as much as he likes staying home, doing his own thing, or hanging out with a couple of friends. Steve’s always been able to...blend in, let’s say, regardless of where he is. But, home is where the heart is I guess,” Bucky disclosed, shuffling through his memories of a certain blonde, noticing just who Steve truly was.

“Is it because he used to be smaller...or?” Jake prompted.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Bucky contemplated the reason Steve was how he was. Reserved but not shy, respectful and righteous, understanding and assertive. But ultimately, he decided, “I think it’s just who he is, you know? Sure, he was smaller, always ill and tired, dames used to look over him and guys...you get the point. But he had friends, he had a comfortable, difficult life and, he had me.”

“You’ve been there forever, hm?” Jake mused.

“Hm?”

“By his side I mean,” he amended. “You’ve been there forever.”

Shuffling awkwardly, he tried to accumulate an accurate reply. “I haven’t been by his side for a long time. For far too long. So, no, I haven’t.”

“Why, did you purposefully leave him alone or…?”

“I didn’t have a choice,” he confessed. “If I could have stayed forever I would have but-” he gestured his arms in a messy formation, “life happens, you know?”

“Well, going by the way he looks at you, I wouldn’t agree. You might not have physically been there, but you were always by his side. However possible, you never left, and you always came back.” Jake was smiling tenderly, omniscient in words and wisdom.

Shaking his head, Bucky disagreed, “I don’t think so. It was a weird situation, really...traumatizing for him so he probably lost me as a safe place. I probably become torture device abusing him if he ever thought of me.”

Scoffing in disbelief, Jake said, “dude, no! Clearly you do not think highly of yourself or know Steve’s grief well enough to comment on it. How about, you ask him and prove it to us both? I bet Steve sought you in difficult times, you bet the opposite. Let's see who’s right.”

“But I don’t have to prove it since I’m right,” he insisted.

“Oh, no, no, no. Yes you do, you need to get evidence and we’ll determine who’s right. If it makes you more secure in where you are in his life then great, if it does nothing, great. Can’t go wrong with reassurances. So, what about it Buckeroo, we ask him?”

“No.” He looked at Jake flatly.

“Ask him Bucky, every relationship needs open communication!”

For a second, Bucky’s face contorted in horror. He whispered harshly under his breath, “we’re not together!”

“You will be if you ask him!” Jake persisted.

“But I don’t want to!”

“Why?”

“Because!”

“Oh, Jesus Christ it’s like I’m talking to a child,” Jake moaned, swiping his palm all over his face. “Bucky, your man is literally ferrero rocher, hard on the outside, chocolatey gooey inside, with a strong core belief represented by the nut. He’s practically smothered you with his chocolate, talk to him and break your rocher!”

“I…” Bucky paused for a moment. “I didn’t understand any of that.”

“Steve is a hard person, but he’s soft for you,” Jake explained, staring intensely into his eyes as though the words he uttered could save the world. Bucky’s perhaps. “You’re hard, but by talking to him, it’ll help make you soft. Capiche?”

“I think so?” It was incredibly unconvincing to his own ears.

Waving it off, Jake stated, “doesn’t matter, point is, you gotta talk to him Bucky. Friends communicate too.”

“I know that,” he added unhelpfully. “It’s just...me and Steve are a different type of friends.”

“The dysfunctional one?”

Bucky scowled.

“You literally won't talk to the guy Buck, I'm just stating the facts how they are,” Jake continued, small smile across his face, voice alluding closely to teasing.

“Don't you have something to do? Like get out of my life?” Bucky questioned, feigning confusion.

Jake laughed, shaking his head and leaning closer to him, hand slowly making its way to his shoulder, allowing time to process and react. Bucky chose to stay put. “Ahh, you're killing me out here. Don't talk to Steve, you dancing queen, I give up. But mark my words, from the looks Steve's giving you I don't think it matters.”

“What does that mean?” Bucky demanded.

“Oh, you know, starstruck, all loving and adoring. Not going to lie, I'm getting jealous. I need someone to look at me like that,” he complained.

“I don't see it,” Bucky said, mostly to himself though it didn't go unnoticed by Jake, nothing does.

“Trust me, Huda and I can see it. It's sickening for us single folks.”

“Get together then, you'll both solve the single problem,” Bucky advised, eyebrow raised.

Jake rolled his eyes. “Could you imagine that? God, no. Huda is fucking amazing but she's just a friend. She's married to her work, while I'm just here.” He gestured to himself lamely. “Existing, doing nothing like a loser, the usual.”

Suddenly, he remembered the talk of the charity and discussing the future of Bucky's dream. “We need to meet up and talk about the charity. We'll make sure you have a job at the end of it. For the meantime though, I think you should look for one. Something part time maybe?”

“I've applied to a couple of places, some have straight up said no, which okay ouch but it beats me waiting around. Others haven't replied and probably deleted my application which is great.” He shrugged carelessly. “But I’ll just see if any more opportunities arise and try my luck there.”

“I’m sorry, Jake.” Bucky couldn’t help but feel apologetic. He was the catalyst for Jake’s outburst and hasty quitting. 

“They shouldn't have said what they did,” came the especially calm reply. “I was looking for excuses to leave, was too scared to do it any other way. So hey, I finally managed to get my ass out of there and told them to shove it where the sun don’t shine.”

“Two birds with one stone.”

Jake chuckled. “Two birds with one fucking bomb. I exploded on them!” Jake corrected, voice full of mirth and something sembling pride.

“They got what they deserve so you do you pal, don’t take anyone’s shit.”

“Apart from yours you mean,” he replied knowingly.

Bucky laughed and nodded. “Gotta put up with me always.”

“You’re lucky you’re awesome Barnes, or off to the dump you would be,” Jake joked, spreading warmth in Bucky’s chest.

They had come so far, a year later after meeting Jake he had changed enough to differentiate jokes from insults, learnt how to trust and live and exist. He wasn’t passing by, a blur in the infinite campus of the planet, but he had become something and someone. All because of Jake and Huda and himself, with help from Steve. It was heart-warming.

“As long as you’re with me I don’t mind where I am,” he stated, grinning.

Swooning, hand pressed over his chest, Jake said in a thick voice, “oh a man after my own heart.

“Bucky,” Huda’s voice said, appearing out nowhere despite him watching her and Steve. He must have forgotten, focused on Jake. “Don’t make him dream, he’s always complaining about being single, this will just make him hopeful and annoying.”

“Marry me Huda!” Jake demanded, invading her space. She grimaced though it was full of humour. “I’ll make you the happiest woman alive! You work, I’ll look after the babies, we’ll cook and clean together, I’ll give you back rubs and you just have to fund my mere existence. We can be so good together!”

“I’m sorry hun, if you had a tan and maybe knew how to cook I would consider it but…” she shrugged unapologetically,

“I can learn, and I’ll surrender my body to the sun for the tan. Just give me a chance!”

Handing him a glass, she said, “you’ll burn.”

Steve came to Bucky’s side, proffering a glass despite Bucky declining and holding it out expectantly, eyes not straying from the quarrelling couple. Taking it from him, Bucky smiled and said, “thank you.”

Bucky knew he heard it, the enhanced hearing wasn’t a tool he could switch off whenever he wanted to, but he made no move as though he did, lips stretching to form a timid smile. He looked beautiful.

“Alright, now let’s get seated, foods going to be served soon. Steve and I spoke to Nadia and she said our table is in that corner, next to the window as I requested, so that’s great.” That was for him and unintentionally Steve, Jake too possibly. “I think she’s prepared a speech? I don’t know. But after that food will be served and we can eat!”

Jake whooped quietly, though it wasn’t low enough and allured straggling heads to look, bewilderment etched on their face. Elbowing him gently, Huda ushered them to a table, which true to her word, was surrounded by four chairs, seating deflating when Bucky sat down, and was soft to the touch. Glancing at everyone’s faces, he saw they were impressed too.

Her cousin did present an eloquent speech, infectious pride and happiness engraved on her face. Everyone tuned into what she was saying, listening carefully as she expressed how she felt fulfilling her dream. It was inspiring to some extent, Bucky couldn’t help but think. Admirable, he considered, since he knew the struggle and internal ambivalence towards such dreams.

The times may have changed, but inner human conflict would forever remain.

The food was...vast. Abundant in spices and colours and just so, so amazing. Platters of food came out, huge circular dishes brimming to the edges with food. There was rice, there were starters, chicken, sauces, and some things that even Bucky didn't recognise. Things that looked familiar were what he gravitated to, having bits of each, knowing that he couldn’t each too much.

Jake and Steve were having a competition to see who could eat the most, which was obliviously Steve unbeknown to him. However, Huda put food on their plates for them all, Bucky because of his gloves and then Steve and Jake for their competition.

Anything that required his hands and not cutlery was awkward, but Steve had angled his body so no one could see Bucky’s metal arm and since Jake was next to the window, he covered Bucky from the outside, putting his entire upper body on the table. Knowing that he was cloaked. Bucky managed to scoff down his food at more ease than usual.

They conversed the entire time there, and when they reached Huda’s apartment, they were shattered. Steve volunteered to get Bucky his camera and Jake stayed with Bucky as Huda guided the super soldier to her home.

Grinning knowingly, Jake said, “he’s going to spill his feelings tonight you know. I can see it on his face.”

“No, he isn't because those feelings don’t exist,” Bucky hoped, rolling his eyes.

Jake shook his head, maintaining what he said, and even adding, “Huda thinks so too. Didn’t you see the looks she was giving you both?”

“Well, yeah but. He won’t, I know it.”

“Bucky, he is going to, trust me.” Jake made them face each other. “I’m giving you a heads up cause we both know it’s a lot to take in, but Huda and I can see it on his face. He’s about to implode that’s how much loves you.”

“No, he’s not. Now he’s coming, shut up.”

Jake locked his lips with an imaginary key and threw it away, promising silence. Steve saw it and laughed as he made his way to them, shaking his head fondly. Acting as though he found the key, he mimicked opening Jake’s mouth and said, “ignore him, talk all you want.”

“See Steve? This is why you’re my favourite!”

They said their goodbyes to Jake, getting into Bucky’s jeep and pooling out of the car park. The journey home was spent talking about the event and how much fun they had, Steve laughing continuously. By the time they reached home, Bucky had completely forgotten about what Jake and Huda said.

They had just entered the cabin, Bucky dropped the camera onto the sofa from the side and started to slide the blazer off, whilst Steve turned on the lights from the side and let the door drift to a halt behind him.

“Hey Bucky, can I talk to you?” Steve asked.

Bucky draped the blazer on the spine of his couch and turned to look at Steve, a hopeful expression painted on his face from his perfectly sculpted hands, artistic capabilities shining.

Nodding and recalling everything Huda and Jake had said all evening, Bucky swallowed a terse breath, asking, “sure, what’s wrong? Has something happened?” They couldn’t have been right. They couldn’t.

“No, nothing yet. I was just. I need to say something to you, something I’ve been wanting to say,” he inhaled a sharp breath, “for a while. Didn’t quite get the courage until now.”

“Uh, yeah. Go ahead,” Bucky offered, dreading the incoming words before they had even been spoken. He was hoping it wasn’t what he thought they were.

“I- I still love you Buck,” Steve admitted, a soft smile spreading on his face, as he looked down at his hands chuckling in disbelief at the locked fingers. “I never stopped, after all these years. And you’re doing better now, I can see it, so I just thought I’d let you know.”

He was looking so incredibly hopeful, eyes wide as they bored into Bucky’s, gentle and tender, full of love and emotion. It was almost like he thought he knew the honest answer. But he didn’t, he couldn’t have. Looking away, eyes darting to the floor, he questioned the very ground on which he stood what to do. He was uncertain.

With every silent second passing, the fragile confidence was deteriorating quickly, the longer Bucky stalled his answer. He didn’t know what to say, caught between protecting Steve and delivering him the love he deserves. The ambivalence prevented him from offering a reply, which made the once calm air static with turbulence.

He couldn’t confess his own feelings, they’d only hurt him and Steve if disclosed. Living such a recluse life, denying himself the love of the one person who meant the world to him, it was the only step forward. Steve probably confused him with the other Bucky, the exuberant, comforting, unbroken and lucky Bucky, unaware of his tragic future. He wasn't the same, he was crafted by the horrors he had seen.

Living with the trauma’s daily he could manage, he was doing, but afflicting that upon Steve, he just couldn’t. He deserved so much more. Bucky’s mission bestowed this as a life he never had, an offering to achieve all he deserved. Bucky couldn’t come in between that. He wasn’t worth it.

“Oh,” Steve uttered knowingly, as the silence lingered allowing the venom to spread. Bucky couldn’t bear facing him, eyes bouncing everywhere. “You don’t…”

I do, he desperately craved to say, being purely selfish just this once, keeping Steve despite the universe having taken everything from him. Even when he had nothing, he had Steve. He was his anchor.

“I understand Bucky.” Oh, but you _don’t_. “It’s fine, I just thought you might..never mind. Let's forget I ever said something, how about that? Things can stay as they were. It’s fine. I just want you however you’ll take me.”

“Steve,” he said, voice croaky and just below a whisper. “None of this is fine. You don’t have to lie.”

“I do Bucky, I do. If I don’t, you might leave again and I don’t want that to happen, once was enough. I mean, what am I without James Buchanan Barnes anyways? It’s fine. Forget I said anything.” Steve’s voice seemed no less than a beg, as he tried to cling onto Bucky with all the power he had left.

Bucky shook his head. “You don’t need me Steve, I’m not worth all the effort. You should try to forget about all of this, especially when I’ve done nothing honourable since my escape. You don’t need this on top of everything.”

“You know, I don’t know where your memory stands, but during the war I had some dark times. Times where I almost caved into the pressures of being a Captain, of being in a God-forsaken war. But do you know who kept me happy? Made me smile every time I was done, even after everything Zola did to him? It was you Bucky, it was you.”

Bucky looked away from the powerful remnants of his past, from the fear he felt that Steve was in the battlefield. It was true, he did that, because loving Steve was the easiest thing in the world for him, they both knew each other.

“Even now, when I came running after everything that went down with Ultron, you did the exact same thing even though you didn’t have to. You’re fighting your own inner war, but you take me in with open arms every single time. You’re the only good thing to have happened after Ultron, ever since I lost you over a year ago. This is it for me, nobody else will ever compare.”

“I- it’s muscle memory, looking out for you. I can’t help it. It just happens. I don’t regret what I did, my intentions are for your best, but I just- you’re too invested in this. You’re not thinking straight.”

Steve stared at him, hard. “I’m thinking the clearest I have for a good few months. Coming here, spending time with you, Jake and Huda and exploring the woods, it’s helped. I haven’t quite felt right since coming out of the ice, but I’m feeling better now.”

“And that’s great, it is. I’m proud of you Steve, you deserve to be happy after everything you’ve endured. But there are people out there who deserve you, who can look after you and love you with all their might. I’m not one of them anymore,” he murmured, looking away, eyes boring into the sofa.

“I don’t need anyone to look after me, I’m a grown man. I just want someone who cares, who knows and understands me, who’s experienced a fraction of my battles...Bucky I want you for whatever you can give me. Nothing more.”

“But see that’s the thing, you should want more. You shouldn’t settle for this-” Bucky gestured harshly at himself, “when there's a huge world out there ready for you.”

“Ready for me? It’s been almost five years and people still me as Captain America and nothing more. I am an icon, not a person. How would I explain my life before, huh? The nightmares that wake us up at night, the reason I didn’t even want to be here but I am. Jesus, Bucky, nobody means anything if you’re here. Why won’t you believe that?” Steve sounded heartbroken, almost destroyed.

Bucky shrunk involuntarily, hating himself for making Steve sound so desolate. Grabbing a hold of himself, he reminded his deteriorating willpower and growing need to just try to see if things would work between them, that he was dangerous and Steve deserved more. He didn’t. He didn’t deserve anything.

“I- I’m sorry Steve, we can’t be together,” he reiterated,

“Because you don’t love me, or you don’t want to?” he asked.

“Steve-” Bucky started to say but was interrupted.

Before any additional words could be spoken by, an ominous ring erupted from Steve’s pocket, startling them and smothering their hollow breaths. Eyes glancing at the floor, hands intertwining protectively against his stomach, Bucky listened as Steve answered.

“Hello?”

It must have been important, for Steve to have answered it. Possibly a national emergency requiring all the Avengers; he could only speculate in the dark. If he wanted to, Bucky could potentially listen in and hear the conversation but chose not to, respecting Steve’s privacy.

Honing his ears to specific sources was a crucial skill in combat, it also helped maintain confidentiality so that was good, he figured.

“Yeah. Yeah I understand.” Steve sounded serious, dangerously calm and eerie. Bucky wondered. “I’ll send Tony the coordinates, bring the quinjet there.”

Bucky’s ears perked at the specific word ‘co-ordinates’, looking at Steve, though Steve ignored him. He couldn’t bring the Avengers to him, no. The reason he was hiding was to get away from them- those sort of people, which for some reason, Steve never ran from and instead befriended.

He’s not a cold-hearted assassin, accredited to dozens of assassinations of powerful, influential and good people, his mind taunted.

He gulped, face remaining impassive.

“Of course. We’re going to find her,” he stated matter-of-factly, voice resolute.

He then wasted no time, effectively ending the call, and squeezing his phone into his trouser pockets. They had just entered the house, so he had everything essential to his person on him, yet he still looked anxious, like he was missing something.

Bucky knew his shield wasn’t in the house, Steve never bought it so that couldn’t be the cause of his confusion. His clothes were in the drawers in the master bedroom, but those weren’t necessities. What else Steve may need, he didn’t know, thus stayed quiet, occasionally peering at him under hooded eyes.

“Bucky,” Steve said, capturing his attention though he didn’t look up. “Someone’s kidnapped Natasha whilst she was on a mission with Clint and we’re going to get her back. Do you want to come?”

The correct answer would be yes.

The preferred answer was no.

One would appease Steve and the other his crippling fear of battle. So, he stayed silent, gazing at the floor with utmost interest and fear, he could feel his body start to tremble, betraying him. Steve stared at his face and said nothing, possibly waiting for words that would never come. He couldn’t speak, or move, or think. Bucky was frozen.

_Do you want to come?_

_No._

Patience wearing thin and concern overriding, Steve sighed loudly and exited the cabin without a word or any sort of acknowledgement. Truth be told, Bucky was surprised he had given him that much of his time.

When the door closed, clicking into place and locking itself, he heard Steve pound down the porch and onto the soil, until his footsteps went silent. Listening carefully, Bucky couldn’t detect any sound, even when he strained his ear to locate human movement, it was silent.

Releasing a large breath, painfully squeezing out his lungs and coughing out of his chest, he dropped himself onto the couch. Going over the agonising memory again and again, wondering what he could have changed and how he ruined what little he had, he stared blankly at the floor.

He didn’t get up for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta = endearment  
> Pupo = aunty, dads sister  
> mein bi theek hoo = im fine too  
> Ye bahoot achay hay. Inko paas rakhna = they’re very good (people). Keep them close
> 
> yall weren't expecting that were you?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that plot twist in the last chapter?? damn can't relate 
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: suicidal thoughts kinda, paranoia

It took a week of no news from Steve for him to realise, he’s gone. After cutting his heart out of his chest, hoping to stitch it to Bucky’s and receiving rejection instead, this mission was his scapegoat out.

Which was...great. Bucky was happy for him. Natasha was back, safe at last presumably. He was with the Avengers again and finally doing things, not just sitting around and idly drawing. His life had been returned to him. A life that extracted Bucky from the equation.

The day after he had ran Bucky received a text from Huda in the group chat, kind hearted and humorous in nature but still a dagger concealed in goodwill, which dug deep into his mind. His wounds wept red tears.

 **Huda** : So... you and loverboy finally stopped dancing circles around each other? ;)

Bucky stared at it, wondering how to break the news. Huda was an ally, a friend, she and Jake deserved to know, he reasoned. Mechanically, his message formed, and he sent it.

 **Bucky** : something came up. he’s gone

 **Huda** : What do you mean?

Jake’s name illuminated on the screen, telling Bucky he was reading the texts. Swallowing, he composed an explanation.

 **Bucky** : we talked. it ended badly. someone rang saying they need him. he left

Seconds after the text was published in the chat, his phone began to buzz. Jakes and Huda’s name emerged on the screen. Half tempted to ignore it, he answered when Jake messaged him to answer it. There was something about the words that compelled him. Jake did not seem happy.

“Hello?” he said uncertainly, hating just how weak he sounded.

Jake was the first to voice speak. “Define left. Left as in: gone and never coming back. Or left as in: gone for now and coming back later. It means two different things. I need to know which one you mean. Specify it.”

“I don’t know,” he confessed appalled at just how dead his voice sounded. This is why he never should have let Steve stay, he should have made him leave with Falcon. Why didn’t he?

“So, there’s a high possibility he may return?” Huda questioned.

Dumbly, he replied, “maybe.”

“But you don’t think he will,” Jake continued, the duo clearly assessing the situation.

“Yes.”

“Because of the conversation you two had that ended badly?” she prompted.

“Yes.”

“That was about what we said it was going to be about before you two left?” Jake finished.

He couldn’t find it in him to reply. Over the line, he heard a sad, withering sigh. He felt a part of him drift with it.

“Bucky, you can’t cancel out the possibility he’s going to come back. Steve is plenty of things, but he’s not a dick,” Huda stated confidently, albeit heavy. “I’m guessing I know why the conversation ended badly, you rejected him. But Steve won’t run away from you because of that. You two are joined at the hip.”

“Yeah,” Jake affirmed. “Steve clearly wants to be in your life. The guy gave me and Huda a chance for your sake, most people wouldn’t. Huda’s very assertive and I’m too immature, not a lot of people can deal with our conflicting personalities. But for you, he tried, and we got a good friend out of it.”

“I just…” she sighed. “I just don’t know why you rejected him. Obviously, we don’t need an explanation, but did you offer one to Steve? Help him try to understand you, where you’re coming from? We both know you love him, your love for each other is so blatant it pains me that you won’t accept it.”

He can’t. He can’t. He won’t.

“Is this because of your time down under? You don’t have to answer, feel free to ignore me, but it might help. Talking about it, that is. With us, or Steve, or a therapist. It’s just...you deserve to be happy Buck, you deserve this God damn world and you refuse to take it when it’s at your feet. Why are you so afraid? What’s holding you back?”

_“Don’t try to run away from me, soldat. Wherever you run I will follow and there will be a path of blood behind me, leading up to you. You’re mine. Understood?”_

“Bucky?” Huda called hesitantly.

He hummed mutely in return. Clearing his throat, he made of noise of assent. He couldn’t do anything properly. Ignoring his erratic heart, he tried to concentrate on his concerned friends. He owed them that much.

“How do you feel?”

Staring blankly at the corner of the room, blinds closed and the void in his chest silencing all his noise, he wondered, how did he feel? “Numb,” he described eventually. Rigid and ready to comply for something- he didn’t know what, he repeated, “numb.”

_“You feel that a lot, soldat?”_

“Da,” he responded, knowing if he didn’t Anatoly would get angry. He liked knowing he was in charge.

“Huh?” Jake said. “Did you say ‘da’?”

Sobering up, Bucky shivered, a full body jolt that rebooted his mind. Inhaling deeply from his nose, he looked around, feeling curious eyes watch him and shook his head, anxious. Distantly, he felt pain gather in his head but pointedly ignored it. “Um. N-no, I didn’t.”

_“What happens if you lie to me? You remember, don’t you?”_

“What did you- what did you say?” he clarified, shaking his head to eject the voice from his mind. He heard it cackle. The pain worsened with the rash movement.

“I asked if you’re okay...for real this time. You seem, stressed,” Huda explained, frown evident through her voice.

“I’m fine,” he said, sieving a jumble of words to find the easiest. His hard voice was unconvincing to even his own ears.

“Do you want us to come over? I’ve got Hannah Montana on DVD?” Jake said, voice a couple of octaves higher than usually.

Quick to decline, he stated firmly, “no,” emotionless voice scary to his own ears.

Still undeterred, Huda recommended, “diner? We can get lunch or dinner? Eat it back at my place if you’re not into a lot of people right now.”

“Headache,” he croaked, posture deflating as he slumped on the couch which he hadn’t left since the night before.

The clothes stuck to his body, a thick layer of painful glue which wouldn’t peel off his skin easily. It was constricting, tight, too hot- Bucky needed the outfit gone. Suffocating, smothered by the memories of the night before and warnings from a man he couldn’t escape, agitation and confliction cultivated beneath his skin suit.

His body didn’t know how and who to respond to, it was ambivalent. Unsurprising, considering he had always been an indecisive mess. At least he knew that now.

“I can make you some remedies for it,” Huda was quick to offer, voice lower in consideration. “Jake can bring some good pain relief tablets.”

“No, no,” he insisted, aggravating the progressively worsening headache. “I’m just gonna...I’m just gonna sleep.”

He hadn’t slept the entire night until that moment, too sick to eat and worried and self-deprecating. He should’ve joined Steve when he asked Bucky if he wanted to help aid Natasha, then he wouldn’t have struggled, but the prospect of being so close danger and just killing- it was too much.

His permanently red stained hands needed to heal. Almost eighty years of operating for Hydra as an assassin made him loathe the idea of having to fight. He just wanted to grow old. Recover. Live the life that was stolen from him. He just couldn’t fight anymore.

He was scared.

“Bucky, you sound awful, why don’t you just let us help before it gets too bad, hm?” Jake coaxed, so unlike but just like him all at once.

“Yeah,” Huda easily agreed. “My mum used to make this delicious soup for me when I was ill back in Pakistan, it can cure anything. How about you give it a shot, nothing wrong in trying, is there? You won’t be able to tell we’re there.”

“I even have some super comfy blankets with wolves printed onto them you can keep. One for the bedroom, one for the living room, hell why not one for your bathroom since I’m dishing them? Can I come and show you?”

He shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine. Just...need to rest,” he said in a strained voice, wondering just how long the conversation would span for.

The static cackle in the background of the phone call penetrated into his ear and stung like needles in his feet, making him flinch as he tried to escape it. His two friends seemed apprehensive.

“Okay, go to sleep for now, I’m ringing you back around six,” Huda explained. “I just want to make sure you’re okay and you’re eating enough to get through it. Think you’ll be okay?”

Phone already slipping through his fingers like specks of sand, hummed and muttered, “perfect,” body begging to sleep.

“Okay then Bucky, I’ll talk to you then. Hope you feel better soon,” she finished.

“We’ll see if you’re up to a conference call then…” Jake said, reluctant. “I know after the events of last night and the horrible timing of whatever emergency took Steve, this is probably the last thing you want to hear but you need to Bucky. You have to know.” Jake was certain, confidence growing. “I love you, alright? I weaved my way into your life and I don’t want to ever leave now that I’m here. Please, don’t- don’t. Never mind. It doesn’t matter, I’ll- I’ll talk to you later. Get well soon Bucky.”

Exhaling loudly, at a loss of what to say, or do, or repeat, he felt the truth shrivel in his throat, prohibited from passing. Jake didn’t know what he truly was, his love was founded on a lie. Unable to reciprocate the sincere candor, he said quietly, “bye,” effectively ending it.

Voice thick with concern, Huda replied with her own well wishes and goodbyes, promising to check up on him later and allowed him to disconnect from the call. Jake remained silent on the other end. Bucky didn’t prompt him. He and Huda would probably talk some more now that he had left.

Groaning uncomfortably, he closed his eyes, trying to rise from his slump and shuck his clothes off. Phone nestled beside his pillow, he quickly he tore the outfit off his body and allowed the cold draft to sweep over him, soothing the inflamed wounds. When he was just in his underwear, he felt his breaths come a little easier.

Goosebumps dived off his skin, hair erected into the air as he sighed blissfully. The cold felt amazing against his scorching skin. It helped reduce the simmering underneath of all of his uncontainable emotions. He was a mess.

Accumulating the blanket that was folded at the end of the sofa, he gave out on the surface and completely laid down, head resting on his cold pillow. Digging his face as deep into the corner as he could, he breathed loudly again, hyper aware of the noise emanating from the outside and within the house.

If anyone attacked, he was practically useless in his compromised state, mostly naked and almost delirious. He wouldn't stand a chance. After everything he had endured, he couldn’t end like this. With a bang. He wanted to go quietly, by himself. Not enveloped in a Hydra circle.

Or worse, Avengers.

He would hate to hurt Steve’s friends. But, if the moment came to it, he would disarm and disable them as necessary. Nobody made decisions for him again. He made them for himself. The moment he became a danger to society, he’d deactivate like he planned to. If his life were to end, it would be by his hands. Not the flesh of another. He didn’t allow it.

After agonising minutes that felt like hours passed, he released the pent-up adrenaline, forcing it to dissolve in his bloodstream. Tiredly, he moaned into the comforter, pain amplifying as the adrenaline ceased.

He wasn’t weak, by no means was he weak. But the sheer pressure and ferocity of the migraine caused his eyes to water, memories of Steve in the back of his mind wiping the teary streaks. He was able to do it himself, that much he knew with certainty, but. He didn’t want to. That was the only difference.

He missed the warm fingers that would soothe his forehead. The comforting shadow concealing his body from the horrors that lingered in the dark. Hushes and stories to distract him from the pain that seemed intent on splitting his mind open.

Bucky knew that when Steve thought he was asleep he’d describe memories of their past together, moments they shared and things they did as a lullaby to keep him sleeping. In half lucid states, he would sometimes catch them, hearing murmurs of what he had forgotten and what he may never recover.

It wasn’t as though he never spoke of such moments during the days where Bucky was conscious and well, but there was something about those precious ruminations that couldn’t seem to be replicated apart from when Bucky was head deep in pain. Perhaps it was because he wasn’t permitted to know, but whatever it was, he hated it.

Sliding into slumber, he thought lastly, should he have admitted his feelings and guaranteed Steve’s return? No. No. He made the right decision. Outcome be damned, his suffering was protecting him and Steve and possibly even his friends. He couldn’t regret that decision. It was imperative, necessary.

He just wished it didn’t have to hurt so much.

 

* * * *

 

When things needed mending, they always found their way back to the diner. Huda was leaving for Pakistan in the next week, was accumulating the last things before packing and invited them to meet her there, just because. Jake seemed to already know, if his rigid posture had anything to say. Bucky was in the dark, unsurprisingly. Though, it didn’t take a clever man to know what was about to be said.

His migraine, the horrible, torturous thing had lasted longer than usually, spanning for almost six days. During which he wished Steve would reappear, extinguish the ache in his chest and heal the illness plaguing his thoughts. Predictably, he didn’t, and Bucky wasn’t stupid. He knew that Natasha was found, brought back and safe. They had dealt with the problem. Steve didn’t want to come back. It was certain.

It stung, which it shouldn’t have considering he brought it upon himself, but a full week later Bucky had accepted it, heart full of sorrow. But despite his acceptance, he still wanted Steve to be there. He was incredibly selfish and couldn’t deal with it.

Strolling in, eyes locking with the immediate escape routes and inspecting the vicinity for any possible threats, Bucky was relieved to find that things were mundane- ordinary. It meant safety. His quarters hadn’t been breached. No Hydra. No Avengers obtaining revenge.

Huda was already seated, harbouring a corner in the back with her overlooking the entire building, an open seat present beside her. Jake was positioned opposite her, which was about to become a them, as Bucky planned on taking her proffer. Nodding as he approached, he took refuge next Huda, sliding in casually as he looked around again. Things were fine, he was over exaggerating. The biggest danger in that room was him and he knew it.

Looking at his friends, he smiled forcefully and said quietly, “hey,” shuffling his chair under the table.

“Hey loser,” Jake said weakly, smile less vibrant than what Bucky was used to. “You took your time.”

“Uh, yeah. Traffic was unreal.” His unconvincing lie was pointless, they already knew he didn’t want to attend. However, since they were all strained, threads of truth coming undone, it was just to cling onto the last fragments of normalcy that things were undisturbed. It was delusional.

“When you live an hour out, that’s what happens,” Huda said lightly, voice more controlled than her counterpart but equally as nervous.

Bucky turned to look at her. Her hair was tamed into loose curls, floating around her face, gently caressing her skin. On the top of her head she had formed a bun, probably just to keep it out of her face if its formation was anything to go by. Her face was bare as always, skin flawlessly brown and smooth. Her nose ring had changed though, was now a stud as opposed to before, but it looked good. She looked beautiful either way.

They were all wearing sweaters, that’s what he noticed. Jake a black one, to match his jeans, Bucky the grey one because it was the only he owned, and Huda’s was black with a logo printed across the chest. Possibly Jakes, since it was too big to be a snug fit.

“Shall we order something? That way we’ll miss rush hour,” Jake said, looking between them expectantly.

Bucky shrugged, indifferent, whilst Huda nodded. It was only five in the afternoon, they were good for another hour or so. “I’ll order for us all then,” Jake said, smiling earnestly, grabbing a hold of a menu, and skimming through it despite having memorised the dishes already.

Huda took a deep breath, causing Bucky to glance at her, and he saw she was glaring at Jake in disdain, frowning at something. He wondered what they were going to do, what they had schemed- what their intentions were, clearly it was something causing them great anxiety. Was it even worth the temporary suffering? Bucky didn’t know.

Groaning, she turned to meet their gazes. Inhaling a large breath, she shook her head as though she was dispelling any last doubts from her mind and addressed the elephant in the room eventually. “Look Bucky, you’re a clever guy, you know something’s going on, don’t you?”

Hesitantly, he nodded, eyes grazing Jake who was still engrossed in the menu. He was hiding. Why? He returned his vision to Huda.

“Ever since Steve’s been gone…we can see something’s not right. Obviously, we’re not authorised to know what-” _authorised? What_ \- “- so we’re trying to respect that, you know? After all, we’re only the public. But it starts to concern us when it’s affecting you like this.” Her tone was sincere, laced with unspooling anxiety that had him frowning, confused but also consumed with dread.

They couldn’t possibly...

“Do you understand where we’re coming from?” she asked, eyes unwavering but uncertain, like she was suddenly weary of Bucky- of their friendship.

Gulping, he nodded, aware of everything she was insinuating. He was the Winter Soldier, merciless, inhuman, and unredeemable. Of course, it was only natural for them to assume he may revert to his dissociative counter personality at the sign of trouble. A way to deal with the stress.

In fact, he had regressed to the soldier too many times since Steve had left. Nightmares, memories, and confusion clouded his mind, and sometimes he’d gasp back to life, finding a broken tree trunk within his grasp, or how the night before, he awoken outside on the swing chair staring blankly at the mountains with a knife in his hands.

Their fears were valid and lifesaving, he wasn’t trustworthy when he was so compromised. What if he- what if lost control and slashed them with cutlery on the table, pressed them against the wall and snapped their necks?

He shouldn’t have come...he should never have left the cabin, why did he? What if he hurt them?

“Bucky,” one of them snapped, repossessing his attention, as he breathed deeply and looked at them. Jake was finally looking at him.

“You need to breathe, okay?” he instructed, placing the paper onto the table, and gazing into his eyes. “You’re safe, we’re safe, we all are, alright? So come on, copy my breathing, you got this. Copy me Bucky.”

Bucky shook his head, struggling to spit, “y-you know.”

“Yeah,” Huda confirmed in an extremely low voice.

“How?” he wondered, hiding his flesh, gloved hand in between his thighs and leaving the motionless metal one on the table.

“Steve,” she revealed simply. “When we met him, I had an inkling. He looked familiar, but we just couldn't get our heads around it until my professor showed some pictures and he was there...I knew for sure it was him. Then, after some searching we found some hardcore evidence that he was Captain America. The history professor thing was good though, kind.”

“And me?” he dared question.

“Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steven Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield.” The words of the smithsonian were painfully familiar to him, and heart achingly true. “Once we made that discovery, it was easy to recognise you from the pictures with Steve. You’re both men out of your time.”

“I-I. I didn’t have a choice,” he tried to convince them. “I didn’t-” he cut himself off abruptly.

Jakes reached over the table and grabbed his metal hand, holding onto it. Fearful, Bucky shook his head hoping that this wasn’t a set up. He didn’t want to hurt them- couldn’t.

“I just want to hold your hand, okay?” Jake said, composed- a rare occasion. “That’s all I’m doing, holding your hand. You don’t want me to you say it, no more holding back, alright?”

Bucky stiffly nodded.

“Buck, look.” Jake sighed, staring intensely at him. Huda mirrored his expression. “We know about...them. We don’t know what they did to you, how they did it, why, all we know is that you fell and you’re here now, presumably safe?”

Bucky shook his head. “They’re still after you?” Jake amended. Unable to answer, Bucky stayed silent. Everyone was. Jake perceptively understood.

“I, don’t know how to react and what to do, but I just want you to know that we’ve known for a while and what we think about you hasn’t changed. Our attitudes are the same, if not, more heartbroken. You’re our friend and everything else second, so please, don’t doubt us or anything like that. When we found out we were surprised, confused and so curious but…”

“We don’t want to hold you back,” Huda elaborated where Jake stumped. “Your past is tragic, it’s horrible and sad but that doesn’t mean that the future has to be too. We want you however you’ll have us, but we want you safe and well at the same time.”

“Since Steve has been gone, about a week now I think, we know that you’re struggling and hurting but we don’t want it to go on any longer. Huda’s going soon, Steve will return when he feels able to, but during the meantime you can’t shut us out. We may not understand or be able to help how you need, but...sometimes a friend is enough, you know?” Jake said, his voice tinged with sadness.

Huda shot him a quick look but didn’t comment, looking back at Bucky who was blatantly gazing at the pair. “I need you to trust us Bucky. Not anything out of your limit or that you’re willing to expand but enough to know that we trust you and we care for you. What goes on in your mind is a mystery to us all but, I don’t want you to withdraw. Let us be there for you how we have been in the past.”

“It’s not that simple,” he muttered, glancing away just in time to see a waitress come their way, face jolly. Seeing him, she faltered and pivoted to turn around, hair bouncing nervously. Inside, he felt pleased.

“We know it’s not and frankly we know we can’t help you with any of it. But if you need people. Friends. Us. Just by your side as a reminder, or evidence or maybe you like us as much as we like you because we respect your privacy- whatever it is, we’re here for you. You have every right to own and protect your secrets, but we don’t to lose you or for you to push us away, how you have been doing so far.” Jake paused, letting the words digest. “Do you understand what I mean?”

They still wanted him, regardless of the crimson blanket draped over his body and dripping blood. All pain, the misery, and the confusion- they were willing to endure just to be by his side. But why? He wasn’t worth any of it.

Baffled, he shook his head, admitting, “I don’t think I’m worth all the effort.”

“Yes, you are.” Huda’s eyes were harder than the steel his arm was made of. “Everything that has happened, that you did, it’s not your fault. We know this. We know, and we decided a long time again that you’re worth the effort.”

“You know what Bucky, when we were looking for a house and I was extra annoying because I had so much to lose if we failed, you handled it all without even batting a damn eyelid. When I forced you to buy a phone you just went a did it, no questions asked. You trusted me even though I am a huge mess.” Jake's eyes bored into his as he moved his body and hands animatedly, consumed with emotion. “After all of that- and so much more that I haven’t even touched on! - how could you think that? How could you think we’d think that? You’re worth it to us and nothing can change that. Not even you.”

“But I’m not,” he insisted, voice barely grazing a whisper. Looking away first, his eyes rested on the table as he continued, “you don’t know the things I’ve done.”

“Everyone has done bad things, that’s when they have a choice. What you did is...beyond words but you didn’t choose to.” She emphasised the last words, voice a drill trying to dig into Bucky’s mind.

“I still did it.”

Nobody could conjure a reply to that, resulting in a loud silence. Noticing the lack of talk, the waitress he warded off earlier appeared, tense with a fabricated ease in her movement. Pausing in front of them, she asked if they were ready to order, struggling to stay in one place, jittery. Taking control of the situation, Huda kicked Jake.

Jolting visibly, he cleared his throat and turned to the girl waiting on him, nervous laughter forcibly ejected from his throat. Her smile was gentle but strained as she waited on a breath for the food to be ordered. With fake exuberance, Jake ordered them something to eat.

Jotting it down, she relayed a cheery reply before hurrying away from their isolated corner and to the desk, transferring the small sheet of paper. Bucky tracked her for any sort of defiance or ulterior motive, shadowing her work. For a brief moment she spared a glance at them, making eye contact with him and jumping slightly.

Elbowing him, Huda demanded, “leave her alone Bucky, she’s trying to work.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he stated, very much aware his lingering gaze was the source of her discomfort. Apparently, Huda did too.

“You think she’s with Hydra?”

“Or some.”

“Who are they?”

He elected not to answer, knowing she’d catch on immediately. Jake connected the dots before her.

“The government,” Jake deciphered. “After the carriers fell they wanted to put you on trial but couldn’t find you. You think Steve told them you’re here and they’re going to get you?”

“He’s not the only one who knows of my location,” he disclosed, stretching his fingers on the table. “Sam- Falcon knows where I live, as do the Avengers. I might trust Steve, but the offer doesn’t extend to them.”

“You think the Avengers and the government are after you,” Huda said, realisation eclipsing the predominant confusion. “For the carriers, Hydra and...for hurting Steve.”

“He is their friend before he is mine. They just want to protect him from me, any way possible.”

“But...but they wouldn’t! Would they? Steve was happy here, he enjoyed it. Why would they try to take you away if you don’t reciprocate his feelings? That’s stupid and untrue. No matter how Steve feels, you don't have to love him if you don’t. If I loved Huda and she didn’t love me then it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t have to,” Jake stressed.

Intervening, Huda ended their spiralling paranoia, explaining, “the Avengers are not after you. Nor is Hydra, or the government, or anyone else you can think of. That waitress, right there? She’s a college student and I would know because I’ve seen her. She’s nervous because you’re intent on glaring at her, not because she's hiding something. There’s a difference.”

Before Jake could complain, she shook her head, saying, “shut up. We know that Steve wouldn’t let them come after him, his heart fucking breathes Bucky. He’s upset and hurt, but he’s not stupid and he knows that Bucky does not have to love him back. He saw a chance and tried to take it to no avail, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect him. Tell me Bucky, when you said no, did he pressure you into saying it back or did he say push it under the bridge whilst he dealt with feelings?”

He didn’t answer, which was what she expected. “My point exactly, he respects Bucky’s feelings and boundaries because he is not stupid. He might have told the Avengers, but even they know that telling anyone Bucky’s location is a huge no because firstly, he isn’t harming anyone and doesn’t need to be apprehended. Two, this is not a crisis, it’s human nature. Three, it’s not their problem. They don’t interfere with you on this, they only handle Steve. The Avengers have some of the cleverest people on earth, give them some credit.”

“Okay, but how about the Winter Soldier tried to kill them and Steve? That warrants for revenge. Revenge they’re willing to take with any excuse. Also, Huda, even you know intellect is different to being stupid. The Avengers are...a mess. They don’t know how to read into these sorts of things because either they weren’t taught how to, or they have never been in this situation before.” Bucky was baffled that Jake was actually siding with him. He openly stared at the debate.

“But would Steve let them? Would he honestly sit back and let them rule his life and ruin Bucky’s? No. He’s stubborn asshole who makes too many mistakes with himself and hardly any on others. Steve would protect Bucky till his last breath.”

“What if they don’t tell him? Then what? He doesn’t know, they sneak around his back and boom, he finds out from us that Bucky’s gone. What about then?”

“No,” Huda said with a stern voice. “They would never do that, those are his family. They know what he is capable of, what he has done and what he will do if that ever happened. You’re making all of these accusations Jake, but you know that’s not true.”

“See, that’s the thing. You’re talking about the Avengers like you know them when you don’t. I’m being realistic here, they don’t care about Bucky.”

“Yeah but you know who they do care about? Steve. They wouldn’t risk losing his trust considering he’s the captain of the Avengers and an integral part of the team. He’s too dear to them for them to risk losing him. Nobody is after you Bucky, I promise you that you’re safe here.” She looked at him sincerely, ignoring Jake momentarily. “All of these assumptions are based on Steve telling them this happened. We know they’re his family, but that doesn’t mean he will. He’s the most secretive person I know after you.”

“Huda-” Jake started.

“No,” she interrupted, sending him a firm look. “I understand your paranoia Jake and well, all things considered it is justified. But neither of you are thinking logically and even considering Steve in this equation. He is the body of it all, you can’t diminish his influence in this entire ordeal.”

Behind Bucky were miles of jagged lines, destroyed bridges and roads in construction: some were abandoned and others in progress. Despite some many of the memories connecting to Steve, in that moment, having to face the reality of his situation and the impact of others, he struggled to believe Huda.

“How can you be so sure?” he finally asked, staring into her eyes hoping to find something he could latch onto and envelope him and his perception of Steve into safety. “How can you say he won’t speak?”

“Bucky,” she said, voice heartbroken and coated in disbelief. “How can you think that?”

“Please,” he implored. “How do you know he won’t jump the wagon and let me crash despite everything I’ve done for him.”

Searching his face, she didn't speak and neither did he, desperate for some sort of permanent solution. Whatever she was looking for- he didn’t know, but she nodded and released a large sigh, as though she accepted the mission. His chest constricted significantly.

“You need convincing he won’t spill? Fine. I’ll tell you why. After that very first migraine you had in front of him, and me and Jake scolded you for not going to the doctor, he asked us in private how to help you and what he can do to make them pass easier. Because from the way he looks at you, he doesn’t see you as ‘broken’ or ‘damaged’, he sees you as a person who is healing. Recovering. Not an object. Because when he came to my house he ate so much food I thought he’d burst but he did it because you joked he would and it was as though you’re a team and we had a bet going, so he wanted you to win. It wasn’t an ‘oh, get impressed by me and how much I can eat’ it more of an ‘Bucky was right, and we won this round’.

“Because Steve is our friend too, and after helping me with my work and teasing Jake, he knows how much you mean to us and how it would destroy us if anything happened. And, because this is something that not even the world could change, he’s a good damn person. Just to hurt you, spite you or anything of that sort, he wouldn’t harm you purposely or disclose information about you to people he knows are still upset with everything in the past. He is not a perfect man and God knows he has his limits, but he’s patient and he’s good. If you can’t trust anything, trust what he’s done for you so far.”

Bucky shivered involuntarily.

Steve always gave him space. Never mentioned him in his conversation with the Avengers unless it was a simple, “he’s okay,” and always let him do what he wanted. He respected his boundaries and his friendships and his lifestyle. He was...trustworthy.

From the way he almost begged Bucky to remain indifferent to his confession because he wanted them stay the same, surely it meant something. A truce perhaps, something to promise he wouldn’t infringe his privacy and he doesn’t want to let Bucky go. Surely, it meant something.

It had to.

“Wow Huda, should’ve majored in psychology instead.”

“Yeah, maybe I should have,” she said, brown eyes boring into Bucky’s blue ones. “Do you see what I’m trying to say?”

He shook his head slowly. “I...don’t know what I see right now.”

“That’s fine, you’ve got plenty of time to decide and deal with this. We’re with you every step of the way, but this is something you have to plant yourself: Steve wouldn’t hurt you like that and you’re safe here.” She sounded the most optimistic she had all night. Bucky blew out a breath and nodded. “Good, now is there anything else you guys want to talk about before the food arrives?”

Neither men responded. Huda kicked Jake from under the table and glared at him. He cowered away. Curious, albeit exhausted, Bucky watched them interact.

“Jake,” Huda said, staring him down as she waited for him. “Talk to him.”

“It doesn’t matter!” he protested, gazing at her anxiously.

She shook her head. “It does, so talk to him.”

“Jake, what is it?” Bucky asked.

“It’s nothing,” he insisted, shifting in his seat awkwardly.

“Jake,” Bucky drawled tiredly.

“Alright fine.” He sighed. “Look, so you probably don’t even remember this but Huda’s making a big deal out of it-”

“Anything that is bothering you is worth making a deal out of.”

“So, I guess I might as well tell you. I’m...sort of...sorry- well, no. Not sorry for what I said but sorry for the timing because that wasn’t right, a couple of days ago, when Steve first left, and you were talking to me and Huda on the phone, I said something.”

Bucky nodded to encourage him and so he knew he was listening attentively. Jake seemed incredibly anxious because of it.

“Look, I said ‘I love you’ because well, you’re my best friend too now and considering everything that happened with Steve, maybe it wasn’t the best time for me to say it, but I did and I don’t regret the sentiment or the meaning or the actual words, but I do regret the timing because well, you know and for that I want to say I’m sorry, you didn’t need that stress,” Jake rambled, finishing by slapping his lips shut and sealing them for the time being. He breathed heavily.

Bucky didn’t register what Jake had said at first when he uttered those words, was delirious to the extent he didn’t know what to think other than pain and suffering and misery. And truth be told, he hadn’t thought of it since.

Loving Steve and having him love him back was daunting and forbidden, but stubborn, sometimes annoying, and full of a whole lot of caring Jake- Bucky loved him too. Huda as well. They were his friends, supporting him and encouraging him and allowing him to prosper without picking at his wounds. How could he not? The emotion he felt towards them was love, wholesome and sustaining.

Surely they knew that.

“I know,” he said eventually, smiling gently. “And you want to know something laughable? I love you too. Both of you.”

How an ex machine was capable of such a feeling he couldn’t explain, but the warmth blooming in his chest and the sheer affection he felt towards the two sat with him, he decided he didn’t have to. He loved them and that was enough.

“Laughable? You think that’s laughable you ass?” Huda asked incredulously whilst Jake laughed in surprise. Opening her arms, she demanded, “get here Barnes, I am emotional and so is Jake and we have earned this.”

“But Jake is-”

“We have the whole evening.”

He nodded. Reluctantly, he paced himself into her bubble and allowed her outstretched arms to close around him as she leaned against his shoulder. He was still bigger than her, not as much as he should be, but enough for it feel like he enclosed her entire body.

They stayed like for a couple of seconds before they seceded. Jake was grinning stupidly and the most earnestly he had all evening. Bucky managed a smile at that.

They ate their food, waitress wary of Bucky and Bucky wary of her, but she didn’t disturb them for the remainder of their time there. Conversation swayed from Bucky and by extension Steve, to Huda’s trip to Pakistan and she explained what she planned to do, drilled them for what gift they wanted that she could bring back, how she was excited to see her family again.

Neither of them mentioned what Bucky or Jake would do during her absence.

By the time they finished it was nearing 7:30pm and time to split ways. Their food was mostly eaten, though Bucky struggled tremendously, and they witnessed first-hand how his throat seizes and his mouth clenches. Thankfully, they didn’t point it out and continued chattering as he tried to eat.

Paying the bill and wearing their jackets, they all strolled out of the diner and paused near the curb, before parting ways.

Jake proposed, “hey, how about we go to my place? We could watch a movie, it’ll be fun.”

Bucky shook his head. He needed some alone time, having spent all of his energy in the diner. “Maybe another night pal.”

Choosing not to argue, Jake accepted it without a fight, hope faltering but still vast in existence. Huda was yawning but agreed to the offer. He protested, telling her to go home and rest but she merely shook her head and ambled to his car, drawing her goodbye to Bucky as she went.

Jake shook his head fondly but let her go, smiling at her retreating figure. Then, he looked at Bucky.

“Can I have a hug, or have you spent all your energy?” His blue eyes looked innocent as he asked, wide and innocuous brimming with anticipation.

Unable to say no to Jake, he nodded.

Opening his arms, he stepped closer to him and wrapped his arms around Jake, burying his freckled face into his shoulder and humming. He heard Jake sigh, and hands encased his waist delicately. Just for good measure, Bucky tightened his grip slightly.

“This is the best hug I have ever had,” Jake mumbled, Bucky feeling the movement on his shoulder. “I never want to leave.”

Chuckling at that, Bucky reminded him, “Huda’s waiting for you.”

He groaned in reply but begrudgingly stepped out of Bucky’s embrace. Frowning, he said, “I want another hug soon, but until then...I’ll see you soon Buckster.”

“Bye Jake.”

He watched them get into the car, laughing between themselves and ignite the engine, bringing the carcass to life. Rolling out of the car park, they smiled and nodded at him, and eventually drove onto the main road and disappeared. Vigilant, Bucky made sure nothing and nobody was following them, before surveying the area one last time and getting into his own car.

When he reached home after the long drive, he collapsed onto his sofa, refusing to acknowledge the bedroom upstairs, and with the silence strangling all the noise, he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay but imagine this couple: bucky x jake 
> 
> if you wanna bitch at me my tumblr is: bountifulsilences !! :)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can I just say,, some of you liking bucky x jake as much as me made me grin so hard I thought my cheeks were going to break. they are a power couple !!
> 
> this is a treat for all us who love the golden trio... and some ;)
> 
> and only two chapters left...i can't believe the end is fast approaching! it'll probably be finished by the end of this week but anyway
> 
> i hope you enjoy this chapter :)

Knowing that Huda was going to Pakistan on Thursday, he spent the second week since Steve’s departure coming to terms with him being gone and never coming back (despite everyone’s protests- including a part of himself) and trying to spend time with Huda. For six long weeks she’d be gone, spending time with her family and finally relaxing. It was something he and Jake couldn’t bear to think about.

Nights were spent on the couch where he occasionally drifted while watching some sort of documentary or movie, and sometimes, he went outside to the swinging chair and rocked there for hours, watching the mountains in the distance. He only ever went into his room to get some new clothes.

He didn’t enter the makeshift gym until Thursday, nor did he exercise. But the vigorous movement and tiring workouts proved to help, pouring his dissatisfaction and his anger and his sadness out of his body in sweat, letting it drip out of him.

He should never have let Steve in. Should have sent him on his way. All the pain he was facing was avoidable. He shouldn’t have been so kind. But he was, and despite the suffering he didn’t truly regret it. He couldn’t.

The days leading up to her leaving were spent together. Some days she cooked for them, others they ordered take out, and twice Jake volunteered to try hosting a dinner party. Those weren't very successful but amusing nonetheless. It was always at Huda’s house that they spent moments together, unless it was going to the movies which happened once and never again. But he liked Huda’s house, it was beaming with good memories.

The last day, Wednesday, was spent at the cabin upon everyone's insistence. Huda wanted to have a picnic and take some pictures to show her family, whilst Jake was always happy to be at his house as he voiced. Bucky welcomed them with a tentative smile.

Having restocked the cabin the day before, he bought food he knew they liked, having spent a long time relaying his memories to distinguish what those things were. The actual plan for the day was simple, he knew what they could do if it was up to him.

“Alright, what’s planned? What we doing? It’s basically summer and you made me bring a jacket,” Jake stated, wagging the attire about.

“I was thinking we could go to the mountains,” he said, depositing the flask full of a migraine remedy in his backpack. Swinging it onto his shoulder, jacket in his grip, he asked, “is that okay with you guys?”

Looking at each other, mouths contorting into grins, the exclaimed simultaneously, “yes! With Jake mumbling loudly afterwards, “I was born ready. Dude, I’ve never visited the mountains before, like ever. I am so ready for this. Yes, let’s go.”

He chuckled at their exuberance and nodded, pleased he got it right. “It’s not going to be super cold, but it’s cold enough that you might need jackets. Um, no snow so we’re lucky and, we’ve got food for a picnic. We set and ready to go?”

“Yes,” Jake drawled in glee. “Let's go see some mountains bitches!”

Bucky looked at him funny but was ignored. Huda sighed at Jake’s side. He was exceptionally excited.

They clambered into the jeep, throwing all of their stuff into the back whilst Jake sat next to Bucky in the passenger seat, controlling the music which was his profession. Nobody bothered to argue. The drive was an hour long, but they had some walking to do before they reached an open clearing or were close enough to the mountains. He purposely didn't tell them.

Instead, they quizzed him on how it was like there, and despite knowing his history: how he fell into a ravine, they never mentioned or indicated at his past. It was almost as though they had forgotten about that entirely, and it filled him with relief rather than grief.

He was their Bucky, not the one that fell. He was a new Bucky Barnes.

“So, like, what’s there? What can we see?” Huda asked, whilst Jake fumbled with a wire.

Shrugging, Bucky said, “I’ve seen loads of things, a huge lake, waterfalls, cliffs. I’ve seen a pack of wolves there before.”

“That canvas you gave me, the one with the wolves, you took that picture there?” she asked, jubilant.

Nodding slowly, he tried to recall said canvas but couldn’t. “Yeah, it was.” His memory had improved greatly, but since Steve fleeing, it fluctuated once more. It wasn’t noticeably bad or life threatening, but annoying.

“This is going to be the best day of my life, I know it,” she stated confidently, leaning back blissfully with a smile.

“Hey! I thought the best day of your life was the day you met me,” Jake complained.

She merely waved it away.

“Mean.”

Bucky laughed. The hour-long trip passed effortlessly, bickering emanating mostly from Huda and Jake, but he occasionally intervened if they needed it. Having them both did wonders for him, as he decided that learning to live alone was scary and lonely. Even though they always parted ways with a hug after spending hours together, Bucky wished they remained for longer. That his home wasn't empty. That a certain blonde was there.

He never was.

An hour later he had reached the clearing to highlight the mountains and cut the engine of the jeep. Jumping out, he retrieved his backpack and jacket, everyone grabbing theirs and hooked the straps over his shoulders. The sun was beaming in the sky, a blue mist accentuating the fluffy clouds and the entire area was vibrant. Alive. All he could hear was birds chirping and crickets hopping. It was soothing.

Grabbing the picnic basket, Huda wandered ahead as Bucky waited for Jake to tie his shoe lace. He grumbled under his breath as he struggled to make it tight, and Bucky shot him an amused look as he watched. It took him a couple of tries but he got there eventually. Jake rejoiced.

“Got there eventually,” he said, half teasing.

“Thank God,” Jake groaned, getting up and standing next to him. “That was getting so bad I was tempted to strangle myself with the laces.”

Raising an eyebrow, he said, “that’s extreme.”

“They started it,” Jake replied indignant.

Bucky stared at him hard before erupting in laughter. He wasn't sure anyone started it but figured not replying would be the best decision. Side by side they wandered to Huda, who was casing the area in wonder, and went at either side of her. Without looking at them, she sighed happily.

Her long hair was in a messy bun, strands flailing all over the place but they were managed by a black cap, a tick plastered onto it. Rather than wearing her jacket, she wore a red and white flannel over a long white t-shirt, black leggings tucked into her brown boots, tied up.

Jake wore creamy shorts to his knees, black boots where his socks peaked over the edge, and a blue shirt that plastered to his physique highlighting his pudgy tummy, and a rucksack across his back. He looked good, Bucky appreciated it. When he had mentioned it earlier, Jake sputtered and asked him for his hand in marriage. Bucky couldn’t stop laughing.

“Where shall we head? What do you guys want to see?” he asked expectantly, beckoning their attention.

Humming contemplatively, Huda requested, “the wolves?”

“I think I know some of their territory so shall we eat near there? We might not see them because they might be somewhere else- should have rsvp'd,” he joked lamely.

Jake laughed as though he hadn’t ever heard anything as funny as that. Unable to control himself, Bucky did too.

“Kids,” Huda muttered, “I’m friends with kids!”

“To be fair, I am nearly a hundred years old,” Bucky remarked, eyebrow rising.

Looking at him pointedly, she repeated, “kids.”

“Of course,” he affirmed, raising his palms. “We are whatever you say we are.”

Jake whistled, glancing casually around the enclosure with elevated brows accentuating his blue eyes as they reflected the skylight. Heaving onto his toes, he rocked back and forth before suddenly coughing and spitting into his hand, “whipped.”

“Whipped?” he asked, whilst Huda said nonchalantly, “you’re no better, Jake.”

Shaking his head, Bucky let it slide over his head and looked ahead, planning a route. The wolves enjoyed lingering at the lake, he knew after travelling there countless times and discovered them lounging, he now knew that they lived in the enclosure. Weird, considering they don’t stay in one place for too long, they go where the prey does, but he didn’t question it.

Blessing his lucky stars, he initiated the trek to that destination and gestured to Huda and Jake to follow. Memories of Steve came barrelling through the confines of their cage and breaking apart the locks that Bucky had in place, forcing him to remember someone he didn’t want to. When they came and saw the animals, they had talked amongst themselves easily; it was hard not to remember a joyous recollection.

He just wished it didn’t have to be painful.

Chatter was low during the first ten minutes, both of his companions enjoying the walk and appreciating the scenery around them. Round these ends, things were serene, could only be enjoyed through contemplative silence and eyes rounder than a dinner plate.

But, true to his nature, Jake was quick to reignite talk the moment he saw a flower of some sort soaring to the sky, taller than him. Even Bucky was captivated, not having seen anything like it before. Before getting a word out, he possessed the camera in his bag and angled it to take a picture.

The stem was green, vibrant and quite sturdy too to support such height. There were no leaves decorating the long pillar, but it was unnecessary. At the peak of it was an explosion of pink, oval petals with sharp tips surrounding a yellow bed, freckles spotted across the soft surface. Across the pink were yellow patterns, something that reminded Bucky of the henna which he’d seen on Huda’s hands before.

“Bucky! Take a picture of me with this, this thing is huge,” Huda said, voice so clearly mesmerised.

He nodded but she didn’t see it, walking towards the flower with her back facing him. Bucky glanced at Jake to see him measuring himself against it and chuckled. “Jake, why don’t you join her? Then you can decide who’s taller.”

“Shit, you’re right,” he replied.

Bucky rolled his eyes and waited for Jake to stand on the other side of the stem, so he and Huda were enclosing it. Waiting for them to collect themselves, he took a few candid pictures of them bickering, Huda rolling her eyes and crossing her arms, them smiling equally as bright but Jake placing two fingers behind Huda, a whole lot of laughing- they were brilliant.

When he had taken the perfect one, he waved them over, presenting it on the screen. The hurried to him, Huda nudging Jake to the side and causing him to stumble, Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. Grumbling, Jake returned to his side and uttered, “not another word Barnes, I vividly remember a story of a certain someone falling into mud.”

“Yeah but that’s Steve,” he tried to reason.

“Steve who looked like a soft breeze could blow him away,” Jake reminded him.

“Sure, he looked it. But let me tell you, that was his power. People underestimated him because he was small, but he packed a lot into a single punch or shove.” He grinned fondly.

“I’m sure you were the receiving end of it?”

Bucky shook his head. “Nah, Steve’s temper when it came to me was never physical, you know?” Distantly, he remembered certain instances. “I got under his skin, teased him all the time, kept him on his toes really. But when the littlest thing can cause an attack, or a fever, or something else- I always knew why he was full of rage. He thought his body was failing him.”

“Wasn’t it though? I mean, his health problems were...elaborate to say the least,” Huda stated, humming after she approved of the picture.

Packing the camera and resuming the walk, stepping over a broken branch, he said, “I knew that he was at a greater risk, but it’s just...it’s Steve. We had a few close calls; the priest came and everything. I knew he hated his body, but I just couldn’t...it helped shape Steve into who he is.”

“So, he was always ill? Since you met him?”

“Yeah. His ma told me that it was a miracle he survived birth, nobody thought he would. But he couldn't have died. Not when he was destined for greatness,” he said, smiling sadly.

Jake came up to his right side, brushing his shoulder against his comfortingly. At his other side, Huda slipped her hand into his metal one, a constant pressure. He locked their fingers in place and gently held onto her.

“I’ve always wondered...he was destined for greatness, but at what cost?” Huda said aloud, voice contemplative and sympathetic.

“You know, when he- when he found me after the serum, I was so sad and hated myself for it. I knew I shouldn’t be, not when he finally had a body to reflect all of the righteousness and the protector inside, but it was too much and not enough of it was familiar.”

“Everyone loved Steve, you were no longer the only one,” Huda added, filling in the gaps. “You were jealous, didn't have his undivided attention anymore. And the stories I’ve heard about Azzano...you needed something familiar and unchanging.”

“It wasn’t that he had changed massively, more protective sure and there were a whole lot of worries, and everyone wanted a part of him. But it was war and knowing that any day could be his last and he’d end up in a coffin, I must have…I don’t know. Whatever the Bucky then felt I’ll never know.” He shrugged.

“How does the Bucky now feel then?” They stared at him expectantly, hope brimming their eyes.

Managing a small sincere smile, he admitted, “good. Happy. Might have something to do with his persistent friends.”

“I’m blushing,” Jake exclaimed, as though it was necessary to input. “Bucky’s making me blush like a schoolgirl!”

“And why is that?” he asked, noting a crimson undertone in Jake’ cheek, delighted.

“I’m an insecure mess. If someone says something nice about me I can’t help it,” Jake replied, grinning.

“I’ve gotta be honest pal, back when I grew up it was usually girls who blushed like that,” Bucky said. Looking pointedly at Huda’s cherry cheeks, he knew that they weren’t red because of him but rather the cold nipping their skin. “Huda isn’t bothered.”

“That’s because Huda isn’t insecure,” she explained. “Jake, on the other hand, is.”

“But why Jake?” he blurted. “You’re kind, helpful and handsome.”

He shrugged, slight sadness weighing the gesture. “When you have a perfect brother like Billy and you’re nothing like him, it’s hard not to be.” Quickly dismissing it, Jake said, “that doesn’t matter, let’s get to the lake and eat, take some more pictures and relax. Forget about me and my problems.”

Huda gently touched his arm, squeezing it and smiling tenderly when Jake looked at her appreciatively. Bucky, unsure of what to do, did what he used to do to Steve. Slowly and gently, he tossed his flesh arm around Jakes shoulder and prompted them into moving.

“Well Jake, I’m sure happy that you’re you and not Billy, and so is Huda. For us you’re as perfect as they get.”

Jake used his palm to nudge Bucky’s waist without any heat and groaned, “that’s embarrassing guys, you liking me.”

Bucky laughed whilst Huda walked ahead of them and turned to face them. “Trust me Jakey, sometimes I wonder why I do.”

He struck his tongue out at her. “No, you don’t, you looove me.”

“Nope,” she insisted, shaking her head resolutely.

Beneath his arm, Bucky felt Jakes muscle shift as they prepared. Knowingly, he loosened his arm so it was limp on his shoulder and let Jake run. Huda, unsuspecting of what was to come, shrieked when she saw Jake run towards her and fled, guffaws hindering how fast she could go.

Bucky watched them, as he always did, a spectator when it came down to it and grinned. With them two in his life he could tackle anything. They were incredible people.

That evening he wished Huda goodbye, hugging her tightly and making her promise to text regularly. She gave them stern lectures to look after each other while she was gone, that Jake then reciprocated, worried.

It was heartfelt and sweet, things always were with them. When both bodies had left his house, he flopped onto his couch, turning the TV on and leaving the channel on an animal documentary he had already seen.

Sleep came easy that night, undisturbed too. Maybe it was healing, accepting. It was nice to know that he still had strength left for it.

 

* * * *

 

With Huda gone, Jake and Bucky tried their best to entertain themselves. Jake -still jobless- was with Bucky almost all the time, something which Bucky surprisingly welcomed. They did mundane things such as grocery shopping, watching movies and visiting the diner.

But they also explored more aspects of the others life, such as Bucky visiting Jake’s home again and gifting him a canvas as per usual. The previous one of his house was in the living room, above the sofa against the wall, and when he had seen the latest addition he squealed. It was rather amusing.

Shocking even himself, Bucky invited Jake to go on hikes with him, making them a daily thing rather than a scarce occasion. Like two peas in a pod, they were constantly together, smiling and laughing, hopeful and philosophical, sad and angry. Within two weeks they discovered things about each other that seemed unreal, intimate, and private.

Jake opened up about his anxiety, explaining the pain behind the fear and the paranoia which would often arise because of it. In turn, Bucky revealed that despite the records history kept of him, he still didn’t know the full the extent of his body and thought he never may. Purposely leaving out Hydra and the inhumane torture he endured, it was nice to expose the delusion that his body felt fabricated. Unreal.

But, whilst Huda relaxed in Pakistan she FaceTimed and text them regularly in their group, sending pictures of glorious mountains and sandy landscapes. She also recommended they try to think of the name for their charity, a kick-starter for the process.

Jake asked why. She told them the moment she returned, she planned on nurturing the idea until it blossomed, and vowed that it would. Bucky felt excited like never before. His dream was finally becoming a reality.

One dream, however, that would never come true was his love for Steve, and even with Huda gone he still hadn’t contacted Bucky. Religiously Bucky surfed the internet and news channels hoping to find something (Jake by his side as ‘moral support’) but found nothing. Like a ghost, Steve had disappeared.

On a particularly bad day, where Bucky’s head was hurting and developing into nightmare, he requested to Jake that they did something good, unwilling to disclose his nightmare or the fact he had puked three times since the morning.

Kindly and understanding, Jake arranged something in the matter of minutes and drove Bucky to the destination, slow and steady.

“This is the first time you’ve drove me somewhere,” Bucky had commented.

Jake grinned. “Don’t get used to it Barnes, I’m not your chauffeur.”

Letting Jake drive at his own pace and then slower so not to disturb Bucky's pounding head, they reached a shelter almost two hours later. As it turned out, Jake knew someone who let him play with cats in a rescue shelter, a thank you for something he wouldn’t divulge.

It was awkward, Bucky terrified of being gentle with creatures he could snap and decease in one hand, but after coaxing from both Jake and his friend, he allowed himself to let go and have fun. Kittens of all size came up to them, sniffing curiously at him and obviously recognising Jake, nuzzling into his legs and hand.

The experience was amazing, something he later described as ‘indescribable’, surrounded by small mammals that were full of interest and adventure. He couldn’t really blame Jake for convincing him not to take one, there were too many wild animals near the cabin and either of them could kill the kitten. It was difficult to walk away empty handed, but he made Jake promise to bring them back. He needed another trip when he was better.

Before Jake left that night, he made Bucky something to eat and forced it down him, carefully listening to Huda through earphones (Bucky’s ear could pick up the littlest of sounds and Jake somehow knew that) and made some juice for him to drink later, before turning all the lights and devices off, ensuring the curtains were drawn and left in his jeep (turned out his own car ran out of gas).

He had an appointment the day after he couldn’t miss, though vehemently argued with Bucky that he should, and had to go. It was clear he didn’t want to, but had no choice so had to. With a promise to return soon, jeep in tow, he left and Bucky slept fitfully for hours.

Of course, as though fate had conspired against him, it was while Jake was away that things distorted, changed for the worst. He should have expected it at that point.

 

 

* * * *

 

Steve came back; like a string retracting into shape, he was drawn back to the cabin- to Bucky, looking nothing like the man who left. Stumbling into the living area, disturbing the peace Bucky (actually, Jake) had created, the shield was carelessly thrown to the side. Hearing the noise, Bucky sprung to his feet, swaying uneasily and alert of a non-existent threat. Eyes lying upon Steve, his stance deflated, unable to maintain composure.

Groaning, he sat back down on the sofa, throwing his head into his hands as the pain which had just started to wilt returned in full force. All the lights were off, curtains untouched from when Jake had sorted them, but the TV was on, a documentary playing with the volume close to zero. The silence had become stifling.

“Shit- Bucky?” he heard Steve ask, shuffling around the area and turning off the TV, engulfing them into darkness. “Are you okay?”

“I moved...too fast,” he explained through grit teeth, squeezing his eyes so they didn’t spill water. “Just give me a minute.”

Steve didn’t reply, instead put his warm hand against his blazing skin as though he was checking the temperature. Bucky flinched from the touch, a reflex more than a conscious decision. He heard Steve intake a sharp breath.

“I’ll just make you some juice, okay? Give me a minute Buck,” he said, moving away as he spoke.

“No, no Steve you don’t-”

“I know I don’t.” There was a sad smile on Steve’s face. He could tell. “But I want to.”

Forcing himself to gain some courage and bare the pain, he removed his hands and squinted in the darkness, making out Steve’s figure. “Jake made some and left it in the fridge,” he said. “Can you please…”

“Of course,” Steve affirmed, getting out a large bottle and finding a glass in the dark.

Pouring the drink in a cup, he quickly returned to Bucky and passed it over gently, patient in the dark. It was a far stretch, the juice doing anything, but he drank it all in one gulp to alleviate some of his symptoms long enough for the impending conversation.

The uniform was plastered to his skin, the responsibility of his people clinging onto physique, face ragged and expression uncut and raw. It was as though he had come straight to Bucky from wherever he had been. It couldn’t have been from helping Natasha, he knew Widow would not have spent a month in captivity, she was too good for that to prolong.

So, where had he been? Why was he back? Why now? So many questions but not enough answers.

Looking up at him openly, their eyes locked, Steve’s gorgeous sky-blue ones melting into his, desperately clinging onto the only part of him they could reach. Bucky breathed deeply, never straying from his gaze, and tried to dampen his burning anxiety. It was an unsuccessful attempt, as it raged on, making all of his sanity recoil, unable to aid him.

The longer the silence stretched, the more it overwhelmed him, and he said, “I thought you…”

“Wasn’t going to come back?” Steve asked gently, the stiffness in his shoulder dissipating. “I’m always coming back home, always.”

“This is your home?” Bucky asked, unsurprised if he was being honest with himself.

Shaking his head, Steve confirmed, “no, you are.”

Steve didn’t say anything, just kept staring, heart on his sleeve and answer clear, choice laid out in the open ready for whatever Bucky had to say. Despite everything he wanted Bucky, the broken man with nothing to offer but his damned soul, and seclusion. The refuge Bucky had found for himself, it was only ever for him, never anyone else regardless of how well they assimilated into it. That was its purpose. However, without the presence of Steve, he realised just how badly needed someone else there.

Someone called Steve.

Unable to retain eye contact, he looked away, away from the piercing eyes begging for a chance to reconcile their love, a new beginning, an opportunity. Bucky’s chest constricted.  He felt fear in a way he was so familiar with, and closed his eyes, hoping for another option to arise. Something to save Steve from him.

Inhaling a sharp breath, Bucky nodded, exhaling deeply. He loved Steve, he did from the bottom of his heart to the very top. Had it not been for him, he wasn’t sure how long he would’ve lasted, even millions of miles away Steve was saving him. But he couldn’t let this happen, it wasn’t safe.

“Steve, you can’t-”

“What, Bucky? I can’t make you my home? It’s too late for that. You’ve always been it for me, ever since my ma died.” Steve eyes glistened, not from tears, no he wouldn’t cry, but from undeniable want that even a blind person could see. Bucky wondered how it would feel bringing him into his embrace and feeling his vulnerability, helping him through it. He would never know.

“I can’t do this to you Steve,” he repeated the phantom words, looking at the hardwood floor. “I’m not safe.”

“Don’t you think I should be able to make my own decisions? That after all I’ve been through, I deserve to choose the only person I want? Tell me ain’t so Bucky and I’ll stop, I’ll leave and never come back.”

God, he could never. His heart plummeted at the mere thought of it. Steve had to make his own decisions, he deserved the entire world, even if nobody could provide it for him. He was worth so much.

“You do Steve, Jesus of course you do.” Bucky looked at him once again, taking in the helmet hair, the dishevelled expression and soot covering his face. He looked wrecked. “But I’m not- it’s not-”

“Bucky, I want you.” Steve looked at him sincerely, eyes closing in on each other as he frowned. “I always have, and I always will. The choice is now yours, do you want me?”

“Steve, you can’t possibly think-”

“Please, tell me,” Steve asked, eyes clouded with an incomprehensible emotion.

Bucky looked away for the second time. He wished he didn’t, he prayed it would extinguish, his non-platonic love for Steve because then he wouldn’t be so selfish, he wouldn’t want him to stay, he wouldn’t have to force a lie to breach his teeth. From all the lies the new century thrusted onto him, very few originated from Bucky, and he didn’t want to change that.

But he couldn’t lie, even if he wanted to, because his own desires prohibited the words from leaving his throat. He had no choice but to remain silent, eyes darting across the floor, feeling just as exposed as Steve.

“You- you don’t?” Steve concluded, voice barely above a whisper, attracting Bucky’s eyes with the heartbreak that consumed it. “You really don’t want me?”

Eyes widening, Bucky shook his profusely, thoughts be damned. Steve would always be wanted by him, he was Bucky’s first everything. “No- no, I do! God, Stevie, I love you, okay? I love you so much that this past month has been absolute hell, thinking that you’re never coming back. I do want you, so much that it scared me sometimes, needing someone as much as I need you.”

“Then- then why not Bucky? Why are you resisting what we both want? I love you, you love me. It doesn’t have to be the other way,” Steve said, moving closer to him, eyes determined and hopeful.

The betrayal was clear from his angelic face, allowing Bucky to breathe easy but the determination was no better, making Bucky hope for something impossible. He couldn’t fall for it.

“It does Steve,” he tried to reason. “You’re in love with someone I used to be, not who I am. I can’t be him for you.”

“I don’t want you to be, okay? I want the guy who walks for hours on end in the woods to take pictures for his friends and himself, just because it makes him and them happy. I want the guy who loves animals so much he’ll do anything to protect them, that he’ll knows everything about them to keep them safe. I want the guy who makes me breakfast in the morning, who sacrificed his bed for me for months, despite suffering because he wants me to feel comfortable, even if he doesn’t. I want the guy who befriended Huda and Jake, who loves them with all his heart and is constantly looking out for them. I want you,” Steve breathed deeply.

“But- but I. I’m dangerous Steve. If I ever lose control I might hurt you and I don’t want that to happen, ever. Not again,” he admitted, closing his eyes to hide the desperation cloaking Steve’s face. “I can’t take the risk.”

“You can’t hurt me like that Bucky, I wouldn’t let you. And, if you ever managed to get a good shot in, it wouldn’t hurt because I’d know it wasn’t you. You would never hurt me intentionally. You’re in recovery, slip ups happen. You haven’t lashed out once since I’ve been here, never hurt anything or anyone intentionally during my stay. I trust you Bucky, and you need to start trusting yourself. You won’t hurt me.” Steve took another step closer to him, floorboard creaking under his step, causing Bucky to snap his eyes open.

“Steve I-”

His reasoning weakened, as his did willpower from keeping away from Steve, but he couldn’t give in yet, not when Steve might come to regret this decision later. He had to make him see sense. Even if it meant hurting them in the meantime. Some sacrifices had to be made for the greater good.

“Please Bucky, we want the same thing. Don’t this to us, not after everything we’ve been through just to get here. The torture, the ice, the pain- it can’t have been for nothing. We’re given another chance at a life Buck, we’d be fools if we never took it.”

“But I don’t deserve you, can’t you see it? This is what I deserve, my punishment for all my misdeeds.” It was what he deserved, deprivation, loneliness.

“Then why are you punishing me in the process? What did I do wrong?” Steve questioned, looking into his eyes, taking the last step forward so the distance between them was gone. “You didn’t do anything willingly under Hydra, they forced you to. Don’t put their burdens on your shoulder.”

“I still did it,” he stated, looking up just slightly to peer into Steve’s eyes. “My hands still did it.”

Steve sighed, eyes searching Bucky’s as he did. “All I know Bucky, is that I love you with all my heart. When you’re not near me I- I can’t think properly, I can’t do anything properly. You ground me, my anchor, and you get me better than anyone else. I’ve loved you for a hundred years, and I’ll love you for a hundred more if that’s how many years I’ll live. You’re it for me.”

You’re it for me too.

Hands gravitating to his waist, Steve’s large hands pressed down on the fabric, touching Bucky gently. Bucky watched him as he looked at the ground, shaking his head slightly before looking up at him, last ounce of determination ready to use. Bucky could feel the anxiety thrumming off of him.

“One chance, that’s all I’m asking for. For us to see, so we know we tried. Please, Bucky, just let us try. If it blows up in our face you can say I told you so, but how can we regret something that we gave our best shot at? Don’t let this opportunity go. We don’t know what the future holds, and if anything happens, I’d be happy that I finally had you again.” Steve’s words were full of conviction, a compromise, a chance.

Bucky sighed, already shaking his head about to reply, but Steve interrupted him before he could, whispering, “please?”

Bucky closed his eyes, inhaling deeply, and then considered all of the options on the table, the best for himself and Steve. Most importantly Steve, who didn’t need Bucky for anything but protection against the ex-assassin, the recovering mess. Hands covered the side of his face, as Steve leaned into him, breath fanning Bucky’s face.

Whispering into the darkness of the room, Steve said for the last time, “please?”

That was all it took for the dam to break, for the feelings Bucky had tried profusely to suppress to abscond from the dungeon he had trapped them within and cloud his judgement, imploring he choose Steve, be selfish and allow himself this. He could feel his opinion sway, favouring the selfishness and felt the worry inside multiply. He would only hurt Steve if he were to agree, there’s no guarantee he’s safe.

But, making the wrong decision would hurt him too, and when he stayed with Bucky, he would be equally at risk. Wasn’t it worth taking the chance? Life was good, it was going his way, he couldn’t make decisions for Steve, he was an able, consenting adult, and Bucky had to respect that. Perhaps, it was time to reveal himself in that way again. Healing took time, relationships took time, that’s what makes the whole thing worth it.

So, sighing, he nodded his head, biting his lip briefly before opening his eyes and meeting Steve’s. A hesitant smile broke out on the blonde's face, as he asked, “yes? Let’s give it a go?”

A small chuckle left his mouth unintentionally, seeing the giddiness return to Steve, something rare and believed to be lost. He nodded with more conviction. “You’re willing to try, take things as they come and I guess, it’ll be no different to what we are. Living together but just with more perks, right? Good things don’t last long in my life and, I just don’t see what could go wrong. At least we’ll know we tried.”

“Yes Bucky!” Steve exclaimed, a full-blown grin exploding on his face. He reeled Bucky in for a tight hug, their second one since they had met each other months ago. Bucky was enveloped by him, with softly defined muscles unlike Steve and shorter height; he felt safe. Protected. It was nice.

“You know, this reminds me of the war, when I’d hug you. You were smaller than this, not by a lot, and it always felt nice doing the protecting after everything you did for me. I never thought I’d feel you like this again,” Steve mused, breathing in Bucky’s scent evidently, breathing loudly.

Bucky laughed. “Yeah, well, once I can, I’m going to regain all that muscle. Give you a run for your money. I won’t be this size forever, you see.”

“Do you not like it?”

He did, quite a lot actually. But he couldn’t keep it.

“I do, it feels nice...but it’s not practical. I need to be ready for an attack, and without all that muscle, I’m weaker.”

“Hey, hey, hey.” Steve pulled back, peering into his eyes, warm and reassuring. “I got enough to back you up if that ever happened. You can use my muscles, don’t need to get more if you don’t want to. You’re healthy, you look beautiful, and you’re happy. You don’t need to change that for something we can deal with together if it comes, alright? “

Nodding, Bucky considered it, not very convinced, but let the subject drop. Another problem for another day to solve. For now, he was going to bask in Steve’s arm, and feel all that he’s wanted to for a long time. No obstructions.

“Can- can I kiss you Buck? Just to, you know-”

“Yes,” Bucky said before he was lost in a ramble. “I’d like that very much.”

Steve grinned, nervousness lining the edges and pressed his closed lips to Bucky’s, offering just a small peck, nothing more. Bucky was the first to pull away, not quite ready for such closeness, and vowed to improve as the relationship improved. Looking at Steve, he saw an understanding impression, like he knew. He sighed in relief.

After everything, he was still working up to intimacy, especially when his face was hidden by another, guarded, even if it was just Steve. After years of pain such care was foreign to him, consuming it all at once as it came, he wasn’t sure he could. Steve would understand, surely. He would, taking into consideration all the unknown things Bucky had endured. He had to.

“How about you sleep now, and we’ll deal with everything else in the morning?” Steve said, cradling Bucky in his arms.

“Sure,” he replied, “as long as you’re there with me.”

“Always,” Steve promised. Standing up and pulling Bucky with him, he urged him towards the stairs, destination undisclosed between them.

Easily Bucky followed, arriving at the room he had avoided for weeks. Steve entered first, leaving the light off and inspecting it whilst Bucky made his way to the bed. The covers were the same, everything untouched and the curtains how Steve had made them. He had a photographic memory, Bucky knew he would notice the smallest of things.

As he sat on the bed, Steve rummaged through the drawer with his clothes and pulled out a vest and sweatpants, preparing to leave. Before Bucky could protest, he looked at him and smiled softly, explaining, “just gonna shower, Buck. Need to get out of these clothes and I’ll be back, alright?”

Slowly, he nodded, hating how desperate he had become. Steve lingered for a moment further, making sure he was the one that was okay before leaving quietly. It was comical, he thought later, that out of the two of them he was the one being cared for when his hurt was nothing compared to Steve’s.

A migraine was manageable, he could sleep it off and it wouldn’t cause him any lasting damage. But he knew the how detrimental a negative mental space after a mission could be, the impact it could have and the scars it would leave. Out of the two of them, Bucky wasn’t the one who needed helping. It was Steve.

Listening to the silence echo in the house, he forced himself to remain awake and prepare for Steve, so that when he came to bed, he had something to fall on, someone to grasp him as he let go. For everything he had done, it was what he deserved, and the least Bucky could offer.

Waiting for Steve wasn’t easy, lying in bed, darkness swamping him and the heat making his stomach warm, it was the perfect condition for him to doze and sleep. But he couldn't, not yet anyway, he had a task on hand.

Sitting up so he wasn’t as comfortable anymore, he looked outside the window and stared at the mountain, hoping to stay awake. It came as no surprise in the morning however, when he found that not even the mountains could push aside his drowsiness, and he had fallen asleep in his awkward position. Steve teased him mercilessly about it.

It was worth it, so he couldn’t complain.

At least he was smiling. He was happy. That was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhh yeeeaahhhhhh
> 
> also, if you're upset over the kiss then I'm sorry but like I've tagged, bucky is touch sensitive and yes, he hugs now, but kissing is a whole form of intimacy that he needs to build up to, you know?? for me I couldn't see it going further than that but hey, if you want to imagine them making out more then by all means !!
> 
> I hope you liked the reunion nonetheless :)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE CHAPTER LEFT !!!!! dw i'll be getting super emotional in the next authors note lmao 
> 
> i hope you enjoy this even thoughh its short, but it be like that sometimes

Jake entered the cabin talking, a familiar sight for Bucky. Bags rustled in his hands as he rambled about something animatedly, unaware that there was someone in their midst.

“-a thing! Like no, we don’t do that shit here. You want to be a dick? Be a dick elsewhere! Homeless people are that, people. Get out of here with your insensitive crap,” he ranted, voice octaves higher than usual and thick with emotion.

Bucky glanced at Steve, who listening to the story and appeared to be getting agitated as it progressed. Bucky couldn’t blame him, from the fragment he had heard, he was ready to rain hellfire.

“Uh,” Jake uttered, ceasing all noise as he stopped. Reflexively, Bucky’s eyes wandered back to him. “I was gone for a day.”

Jake was surprised. Shell shocked. The story he was recounting long forgotten, his eyes danced from Steve to Bucky and then back to Steve, all whilst clutching the bags tightly. His fists turned white around the handle.

“I know,” Bucky said, unhelpful and unnecessary. “Things...happened. Why don’t you bring the food here and we’ll explain?”

Nodding slowly, Jakes eyes never left them as he walked around the sofa and placed the bags on the table. Fumbling through them, he picked one and put it aside on the floor, out of view and reach. Briefly taking a glimpse at the contents of it, he jolted, as though struck with electricity.

Rolling his eyes, Jake connected his with theirs and said, “I don’t know why I’m acting so weird, maybe it’s because of the sex hair or the fact that Steve is here and has something to do with it? I’m not sure.”

“What sex hair?” Bucky asked, forgoing the conversation they were meant to have and looking upwards. Cascading his fingers through it, he frowned when they travelled unopposed. His hair was not a mess.

“Really Buck? ‘What sex hair’? Bitch, is you blind?” Jake's voice shrivelled as he spoke, humour coating his voice.

Bucky grinned and lightly pushed his shoulder. “Shut up, idiot. Now explain, what sex hair?”

“Oh, no, no, no. I’m asking the questions, okay?” Jake gestured to himself and raised his eyebrows at them, as though he dared them to speak out of line. Decidedly, they didn’t. “How did this happen? I wasn’t gone for a year, was I?”

“Uh,” Steve started, intervening before Bucky could get a word in. “I came back last night.”

They had already chosen the story to present and which parts from the night before were worth retelling. Bucky hadn’t told Steve as such, but he knew that he and Jake would discuss the events when Steve was busy. He had just started to get used to a life without his best friend only for him to return unexpectedly.

It was an imminent talk with a possible FaceTime to include Huda, and they’d go over the semantics later. For now, it was necessary for Jake to understand where he and Steve stood, how damaged their pillars were in the others life and how they would be restored.

As expected, Jake asked questions throughout the explanation, “ _so, you were always planning on coming back?_ ”, “ _why didn’t you text or ring?_ ”, “ _is the matter dealt with?_ ”

Jakes eyes lingered on him when he asked, aware that Steve had been on some Avengers business but wasn’t sure if the other knew that he did. So, taking things in stride, it was Bucky who told him, “Natasha is fine. The people who took her...not so much.”

It was comical how fast Steve's head whipped to stare at him. “Jake knows?” he confirmed, incredulous.

“Yup, so does Huda. They know...the bare minimum of everything,” Bucky said, glancing at him.

“But how?”

Jake rolled his eyes, taking a bite of the curry he had bought (it wasn’t as good as Huda’s, but it was still delicious) before saying, “Steve, pal, buddy, it wasn’t rocket science. Huda recognised you from some old photos, discovered that you’re Captain America. Bucky was in some of the pictures with you and it just sort of...made sense. Clicked. We never said anything because we didn’t need or have to.”

“Why now then? Why tell Bucky you know who he is after I’m gone?” Steve pressed, eyebrows furrowing. Bucky observed him carefully.

Undeterred by the interrogation, he simple replied, “something was bothering him. He’s our friend, we wanted him to know that we understand and that...his past is none of our business if he wants it that way. We wanted him to be okay.”

His words were attentive as he purposely missed out the details surrounding the mini breakdown Bucky had. Not just around them knowing but with Steve, the Avengers and even the government. Jake knew what he was doing and that was allowing Bucky the choice to tell Steve if he hadn’t already.

Timidly, a grateful smile lined his face.

Steve sighed, reeling himself in and apologised, “I’m sorry Jake, I don’t mean to...go all out but it’s been a rough couple of years.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Jake affirmed, grimacing. They all knew of SHIELD and Ultron, the Chitauri and Hydra. “But it’s okay, you’re doing the same as us, looking out for him. Can’t dispute that.”

“If there’s something the new century taught me, it’s you can’t always trust the people you think you can. But if you find a couple of gems, hold onto them, they’re the most valuable things in life.”

“Aw, Steve, are you calling me a gem?” Jake cooed, he left his food and outstretched his arms so they pushed Bucky against the couch. “Hey!” he complained, but it was ignored. “Give me a hug Rogers, I haven’t seen you in forever.”

Steve grinned, a full-blown smile that was appreciative, fond and so damn comfortable that it was mesmerising. Standing up, he hoisted Jake onto his feet and wrapped his arms around him, a bear hug in its entirety. Unintentionally, Jake sighed blissfully and unashamed. “Man, you and Bucky are so lucky!”

“Why’s that, punk?” Bucky asked, giving them space to pull apart and resume their seats. “You’re sounding jealous.”

“You two give the best hugs on the planet, it’s not fair,” he explained accusingly. Then, suddenly hopeful he enquired, “you looking for someone else to join your relationship?”

“You’re straight,” Bucky reminded him.

“Hey, fuck you Buck, sexuality is a spectrum! I don’t see gender, I see the person,” Jake exclaimed, prompting a laugh out of all of them.

“Oh, is that so? What do you think Steve, you ready for another to join us?” he asked confidently, smirking as a blush grew on Jake’s cheeks. The other man groaned whilst he and Steve chuckled.

“It’s up to you sweetheart,” Steve replied, before turning to Jake. “Give us a chance, Jake? We’ll treat you right.

Impossibly so, Jake was burning like a deer caught in headlights. “It’s not funny when you play along! Damn it Steve, can you go back already? He’s getting too daring. You’re being a bad influence,” Jake requested, pouting at them with a developing glare.

“Nope, I cannot,” Steve stated, arms slithering around Bucky’s waist and pulling him close. “I’m here for good now, Jake.”

“I want Huda,” Jake whined miserably. “She wouldn’t let you get away with this. Leading me on like that.” On second thought, he corrected, “actually...she totally would, she adores you assholes.”

Bucky perked hearing her name and rummaged through the pockets of the couch and around the table for his phone. She hadn’t rang yet, which was unusual. He found it wedged underneath Jake and pulled it out, ignoring the protest from him.

Going onto the app, he was about to call her until his face appeared with her name scrawled on the top of the screen. Grinning brightly, he accepted the FaceTime request and Huda’s face decorated the screen.

“Bucky!” she exclaimed, laughing as she walked. She appeared to be outside, sun bearing down on the landscape. Trees rose behind her, flowers and grass littering the floor and the further she moved, he saw something akin to a pond in the background. Her garden always made him awe.

“Huda!” he greeted, smiling. “I was just about to ring! Jake was talking about you feeling all sad so I wanted to put him out of his misery. How are you?”

She rolled her eyes, fond. “It’s good to know I’ve got a long life.” They had learnt from her that when talking about a person, if they randomly appear or text or call they have a long life. Her culture was rich in superstitions as such. “I’m good, it’s just so hot. I’m sweating so much, practically shoving the kulfi down my throat but nothing’s working. Look at this.”

She started talking in her language to another person, beckoning them from what he could deduce and groaned at their reply. More incessant, they had a receiving groan and a smile grew on her face. From America, they watched mesmerised.

“I just told Mustafa to come, he’ll show you the sweat stains on my back, it’s disgusting. I am drenched,” she complained to them.

“Complain all you want, you look amazing as always. This sweating must be doing wonders for your skin,” Jake said, wide eyed. Bucky shifted the camera so they were both in the frame. “When are you going to take us to Pakistan? It looks beautiful!”

Laughing, she said, “when you come, I’ll show you everything. Pakistan literally means ‘Land of the Pure’ so it’ll be a nice change for you guys.” Well. Bucky scrunched his face. “Shut up Bucky, I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong.”

“But I didn’t say anything!” he stated.

“I still know.” Loud footsteps originated behind her and she turned, sighing. She spoke in her language as she talked to the person, but if Bucky had to guess she was saying, “about time!” She was impatient.

They were exchanged for something that looked like ice cream and suddenly all they could see were hair. Bucky looked at Jake who looked at him. It appeared to be a man, tall given the distance between the phone and the hair but that’s all Bucky could decipher.

“Mustafa!” Huda said, prompting a laugh out of Mustafa.

The camera moved, and an unknown face masked the sky they had been watching. Bucky controlled his face, Jake tried but failed, because holy shit Mustafa was _beautiful_.

He had sunkissed brown skin, face smoother than Bucky’s metal plates and that was something to be rivalled. His long chin was decorated with a thin beard that went to his ears, coating the perimeter of his jaw. With a neatly kept moustache, and a bundle of hair under his bottom lip it should have been too much- looked awful, but it _didn’t_.

His light brown eyes were full of mirth, plump lips pulled up in a smile and his fluffy hair was starting to droop and conceal his thick eyebrows. Jake said under his breath, “how can he have better eyebrows than Huda?”

Bucky wanted to know too.

“Huda!” Mustafa called, laughing delightedly. Pointing at the camera he said something to her before waving at them, excited.

Jake and Bucky waved back at her, grinning when they heard Huda groan. “Huda, who is this?” Jake shouted to ask.

“My friend who is walking on thin ice right now,” she replied.

“I am not walking on thin ice,” Mustafa amended, voice heavily accented but incredible nonetheless. “She is lying.”

“You know English?” Bucky asked, impressed.

Mustafa rolled his eyes, but not unkindly. Like he expected such a question. “I know many languages. Pashto, Farsi, Urdu, Punjabi, English, Arabic. I am trying to learn French and Portuguese.”

“That is impressive, you know the same as me,” Bucky told him in French, satisfied when he saw his eyebrows rise and his grin grow.

“Thanks, I am not fluent but I’m getting there,” Mustafa responded, in the same language.

“Keep trying, you'll get there eventually,” Bucky told him, but this time in Portuguese, smug.

Mustafa laughed, nodding enthusiastically, declaring in Portuguese, “well, Huda's friend, you are certainly full of surprises!”

“I know many languages too,” Bucky said, “but you’re much better than me.”

“You’re right,” Steve teased him, poking his hip. “Mustafa, that’s brilliant, that you know so many languages. I am unfortunately limited to English, French and German.”

“Thank you, Huda doesn’t seem to think so. Huh, Huda? I am your best friend yet you treat me so poorly, maybe I should switch you for these friends,” Mustafa said thoughtfully, looking at her as though he was waiting for a protest. It never came.

“Steve?” she shouted. Mustafa was roughly cut out of the frame and immediately Huda replaced him. “Steve Rogers, you bastard!”

Unhelpfully, Jake added, “he’s back Huda!”

Bucky laughed as she said, “I know Jake, I heard him. Put the camera down landscape, I want to see you all.”

Bucky pushed the food around and put the camera against Steve’s bowl of curry, using scrunched paper to keep it upright, he waited for Huda to do the same as she found a seat in her vast garden. As they walked, her and Mustafa talked between themselves.

Eventually she found a seat and rested the phone against something, the bottom area of the screen exhibited towering strands of grass but ultimately, she could be seen without hindrance. Her friend disappeared, and she called out to him. His reply was distant when he spoke, and she nodded.

Acknowledging them, her face was unimpressed.

“Five minutes,” she said. “We have been talking for five minutes and not one of you mentioned that Steve was there.”

“To be fair we were distracted by you,” Jake said, a buffer. “We were going to say something, but your sweat stains happened and then Mustafa- we just didn’t get the time.

“I’m still showing you them, don’t think Steve has distracted me. They need inspecting.” Huda narrowed her eyes. “But anyway, the real questions are: how? When? Why? Tell me everything from the beginning, what Steve knows and doesn’t know, all that jazz. I have much to say but I’ll hold my tongue for now. You owe me an explanation, Rogers.”

“Of course,” Steve answered, smiling at her nervously. “I, uh, can’t tell you everything- classified, I’m afraid, but Bucky will tell you what you need to know. He’s always been good at show and tell.”

“Good? Pal, I was the best in that school!” he corrected, rolling his eyes.

Huda interjected before they could argue and gave them a pointed stare. Bucky returned with an unimpressed look. “Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. So impatient.”

So, he did. Informing her of everything Jake knew, trying to convey through his eyes that Steve wasn’t to know about the time the trio spent in his absence. That would be difficult to explain and unnecessary.

He was healing by the time Steve had retreated to their molehill, breathing again with the air soothing his lungs and smiling more often. Healing was a process he was stuck in for life, he couldn’t run from it.

By the time he finished the story, Huda asking questions in between to fill in any gaps and to fully grasp the situation, she whistled and leaned back. Her palm was pressing the grass, but she didn't care about denting it, nature always restored things to their natural beauty.

“Wow,” she uttered, astonished. “You guys have been busy while I’ve been gone.”

She didn’t look offended, perhaps a little sad around the edges because she missed them, but not overwhelmingly so. Mostly, she looked happy for them, like she knew that this moment would come and they’d all reunite. Well, she did know best.

“I’m just really happy for you guys, talking to each other and finally getting your shit together- watching you pine was painful. I speak for myself and Jake when I say that,” she stated, grinning.

Jake nodded vehemently. “So, so painful. Sometimes I just wanted to tell you losers to kiss already but I held back. It was so painful. I like talking.”

“Hey, we weren’t that bad!” Bucky exclaimed.

“You made heart eyes at each other all the time,” Huda complained in a groan.

Jake hummed sympathetically. “Always looking at each other, touching each other delicately, acting like a damn couple without the label or perks. Try again Buck, you really were.”

In retrospect, he still couldn’t see it but knew that they were right. Acting like a couple, skittish and constantly worried, it was all easy to misinterpret. It took them a century to get to where they were now, there was going to be some bleed through from their old life.

But at that moment, watching Steve, Jake and Huda converse like friends who genuinely cared for each and not tolerated one another for the sake of Bucky, pride and happiness engrossed his stomach and released butterflies into the hollow meadow.

Steve looked like something out of Bucky’s dreams, hair carelessly draped on his head, smile carefree and body loose, relaxed. They all did to some degree, though the oppressive heat was eating away Huda’s resolve. He was just so incredibly grateful for everything and wished that it would never end. For it to last forever.

He knew that things couldn’t last forever, but they could be preserved, him and Steve being evidence of such a declaration.

As long as Bucky was surrounded by the three people surrounding him all his life, he’d die a content man. That was all he wanted. All he could hope for. All he aspired for.

 

* * * *

 

_It had been almost a week since their argument, a week of sleepless nights, inexplicable anger and bone deep aching that had his muscles convulsing despite trying to keep them insulated._

_The thing was, Bucky had tried to find Steve. Went out every day after work and checked any possible resting places hoping to catch the familiar golden locks and force them to return home. He never did, but some of the stubbornness transferred from Steve onto him because nothing would stop him from looking. He just needed Steve._

_That night as he prepared for bed, all the lights out and the rain pouring rapidly outside, Bucky paused near the window and looked out wondering where his best friend was. If he was safe- if he was okay. He didn’t know from the comfort of their home, he could only guess._

_Detaching from the window, he changed into his own night clothes, sighing heavily in the empty apartment when he heard a knock on his front door. Considering the time and the list of people it could be, hope immediately struck him and Bucky froze. It was Steve, it had to be. Nobody else would willingly venture through the storm just to say hi to Bucky, and his neighbours were most likely asleep. Cancelling out everyone it could be, Steve was the only one to remain. His heart beat laboured._

_Another impatient knock emerged from their door and Bucky was quick to respond, rushing out of their shared room and passing through the short corridor, pausing at the door. Breathing deeply, he mentally prepared his apology and undid the locks, leaving the handle unattended._

_Before he could try to open it, it swung open and revealed a tired Steve Rogers, determination etched on his face and resolution masking his features. The moment their eyes met, Bucky felt his world stop. Steve looked awful, he really did, but despite the chaotic hair and the fatigue that burdened his shoulders, the deteriorating skin and- had he lost weight?- he was still so beautiful._

_Nodding once, Steve brushed past him and into the living room, exhaling sharply from his nose. Dumbly, Bucky closed the door and left the locks unhinged for himself. Pivoting, he advanced towards Steve and halted a painful couple of feet from him, fingers hurting to touch the creamy skin._

_“Buck,” Steve said, finally acknowledging him._

_Leaving the ball in his court, Bucky murmured, “Steve?”_

_“How have you been?” he asked, swallowing audibly, and looking him down briefly._

_Chuckling lowly (sadly, more like) he replied, “shouldn’t I be asking you that? Jesus, Steve, you look like you walked through hell to get here.”_

_“It was...something like that,” Steve told him, looking so, so defeated._

_Bucky couldn't remember much of their fight, but he couldn't fathom it making Steve so sickly and exhausted. Steve who fought the world for what was right looked like he had been mauled by a hypothetical bear and scarred with mental wounds rather than physical. It was worrying._

_“Where you have been this past week? I tried to find you, but nobody’s seen you for days Steve,” he inquired, worry exacerbating when Steve sighed, whole body shaking._

_It took him a long time to compose a reply, but eventually he announced, “I was looking for a new apartment, somewhere far from here don’t worry, and think I’ve got one. Just came to patch some loose ends and get my things.”_

_“What?” Bucky exclaimed, voice higher than it should’ve been, borderline a disturbance. “Why? Is it because of me- the fight? Because I’m sorry Steve, I don’t remember what it was about, but I know that it wasn’t bad enough for you to just pack up and leave!”_

_Steve chuckled emotionlessly. “You won’t be saying that for long. Soon you won’t be able to wait for me to get out of your hair, without a fight- if I’m lucky.”_

_“That will never happen,” Bucky declared with conviction. “I’d never tell you to leave, and the only reason I’d fight you is if you end up in hospital again, you punk. And why are you leaving? What’s going on?”_

_Steve was silent, not a rare occurrence but for the circumstances unusual. He was a missile when arguing, never backing down until he could get a word in. People dismissed him for his stature, but his voice was enough to startle anyone_

_“Steve?”_

_Sighing, he looked at the ground, oozing with apprehension before looking up at Bucky, determined. Firmly, leaving no room for an argument, he stated, “I’m queer.”_

_Bucky’s breath got caught in his throat. Steve was…he was...queer?_

_“I just thought you should know. That is all. Now, I’ll be out of your hair,” Steve continued coolly._

_He made a move to their bedroom and Bucky charged to intercept. Shattering his heart, Steve flinched as though he was expecting a blow and took a step back. Bucky stopped in his walk._

_“Really Bucky?” Steve asked, shaking his head, and preparing for something that wasn’t coming. “Okay, okay. Get out with it.”_

_“God, Steve no. I’m- I’m not going to...fight you,” he spat, word burning his tongue. “It’s just, I’m shocked, s’all. Are you- are you sure that you’re..you’re-”_

_Bucky couldn’t get the word out, heart beating rapidly in his chest. Loving Steve was easy knowing that he was unattainable, he was the sun in Bucky's life that was always so far away- never close but provided so much warmth and happiness that he couldn’t hate things for being as they were._

_Steve provided a terse nod and puffed his chest. “Yes, I am. I’ve known for a while now and it’s best if I leave, easier for us both.”_

_“Easier for us both- what do you mean Steve? How- why would it be easier for us? What are you talking about?” Bucky rambled, arms flailing. “I don’t care that you’re queer Rogers- Jesus Christ.” He paused and sighed into fist. “You’re still Steve to me, always have been and always will be.”_

_“But...but I like men, Bucky. Men and women, they both...appeal to me. Are you sure about this? I will move out, just give me the word and I’m gone,” Steve persisted, sincere to his last breath._

_“I don’t want you gone Steve, after everything we’ve been through together, how could you imagine me ever wanting that?” Steve crying over spilt milk, punching walls repeatedly to bruise his knuckles and talking negatively was still raw in his mind. He didn’t want him out of his sight._

_“It’s a lot to take in, I know that. If you need space, I understand,” Steve said slowly, like he didn’t want to spook Bucky._

_Shaking his head, Bucky sieved through the dictionary in his mind and still failed to find the right words. “No, no that’s not- I don’t want that. I want you Steve, you don’t need to go if you don’t want to.”_

_Steve’s eyes widened, and Bucky realised his implication. Clenching his eyes shut, he burrowed his head in his hands and shook his head, wondering just how he had survived for so long. How nobody had beat his ass to the next century all ready._

_“Bucky-”_

_“Steve,” he intervened, urgently. “I know how that sounds, but just listen to me okay? Hear me out. I-I can explain.”_

_Steve stared at him expectantly. His heartbeat escalated, pounding harshly against his rib cage._

_Bucky didn’t know what to say. Steve trusted him enough to be honest, but that wasn’t an invitation for Bucky to do the same and ruin things between them. He wasn’t stupid, Steve could already have a fella at his side and was making plans and dreams with him. Staying with Bucky or moving out- it didn’t matter, it was all for safety either way._

_He couldn’t confess his stupid, incessant feelings that didn’t seem to be going away. Steve deserved better. Even if he didn't have anyone, being queer didn’t mean he was suddenly in love with Bucky. He knew better than to accept that propaganda, it was untrue because he was not like that in the slightest._

_People could appeal to him aesthetically but that didn't mean he wanted to jump into bed with them. He didn’t love them. God- no. He merely appreciated their looks and moved on with his life. He’d only ever loved Steve the way that books and movie showed._

_“Bucky? You still with me, pal?” Steve called, suddenly closer to him than he was before._

_Bucky gulped and wondered just how long he’d been stood there. Forcing a smile onto his face, he lied, “just tired, you know how these long days are.”_

_“Just tell me how it is, what you mean,” Steve said tiredly. “I don’t want to play no games Buck, I just can’t anymore. Don’t beat around the bush.”_

_“What do you mean play no games?” he asked, frowning._

_“I mean that...that I know that I’m queer and I am well aware of my feelings. I don’t need you taunt me because of them, I did say I’d move out, didn’t I?”_

_Feelings? Bucky taunting him for them? Steve prepared to leave him because them? Slowly, realisation dawned on him as the epiphany made his jaw drop. Could Steve possibly love him too? Was any of their exchange real?_

_“Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Steve?” he questioned, just to clarify. He was going to jump head first into it but needed that extra push, that power to do it._

_Steve glared at him. “You know very well what I’m saying and I ain’t saying it out loud.”_

_“Jesus, Steve, you goddamn punk!” he exclaimed, walking to him again. Thankfully, Steve didn’t move but watched him, confused. “You were going to move out because you’re queer and in love with little ol’ me? You bastard, I thought I was done for!”_

_“Wait, wait, wait,” Steve stammered, eyebrows knitting together, a pout forming. “What do you mean ‘done for’? No more games Buck, I told you I-”_

_“Steve, Stevie,” he said, cutting him off. Smiling at him brightly, he said in a low voice, “I love you too, have done forever. I never said anything because you were so careful, decided that I’d keep you and love from afar. Guess that’s not happening anymore.”_

_Steve grinned, and pulled him close, replying, “who said I was ready to settle down Barnes? Maybe I want to explore some more and see if I find anyone else.”_

_“Definitely can’t let you go now, you’ll find someone better straight away,” Bucky declared and hugged Steve tightly, scared to let go in case it was all a dream._

_“I don’t think I will Buck, don’t see it happening anytime soon,” Steve responded, tightening his grip._

_Pressing tender kisses on Steve’s hair, just feeling the body of his within his arms, Bucky breathed in relief knowing that Steve was back and was there to stay. He could finally get a good night’s sleep, wrap his arms around Steve whilst they tried to fall asleep (no longer secretive) and in the morning, have a domestic breakfast that they had earned._

_So what if he would have to work extra to make up for the money spent, after the week they had endured, they deserved it._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next will be the epilogue annndddd don't worry, it's gonna be fluffff
> 
> I'm feeding you so well wow


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm one day late but oh well
> 
> i'll get emotional in the end notes so yall can read this without scrolling past paragraphs :D
> 
> i hope this lives up to your expectations!! (yes my eyes got watery whilst editing this so pls excuse the mistakes x100000)
> 
> WARNING: a lot of anxiety but it is resolved

_A year later_

Coerced into an alien time, nothing could have braced a freshly deprogrammed Bucky Barnes for the world at his doorstep. New York surpassed everything he could have ever dreamt of, visions of the 30’s and 40’s seemed more like fantasy than reality, and it wasn’t just that, it was the entire planet. Things had shifted a few spaces to the right, leaving him further disgruntled as he tried to decipher who he was.

Defying all odds, he assimilated, adopted a new life which insured him with everything he could ever want, and was surrounded by people he loved wholeheartedly. When the only thing that was familiar to him was the ground on which he trekked, that he lived upon, they helped integrate him into a society that was adamant on ending him.

The only undisturbed thing from the past was not a person nor was it a thing. It was a place, the floating rock orbiting a magnificent star in space; for decades it bear witness to the atrocities Bucky committed and endured, it was the same rock and same mantel from his time.

Throughout his journey he learnt that the animals weren’t the only ones who lacked a say, nor were the people the only oppressed. In fact, their home- their planet, Bucky’s first ally in the foreign future, it too couldn’t protest or object. Had to tolerate the suffering as it was milked mercilessly. Suddenly, the world's unstable climate made a lot more sense.

It was the cabin- the wildlife- the mesmerising scenery that cultivated the movement, the beginning of change and recovery.

The earth was in pain. A newly thawed Bucky’s only companion had been hurting and years later, it’s condition continued to deteriorate tremendously.

And then, they were off. Steve got in contact with scientists all over the globe, with all of them trying to learn everything they could about this infection poisoning the earth’s climate, and contribute towards killing it, hoping to find ways to prevent the planets demise. Surprisingly, most of the scientists were kind, considerate about their ignorance and worked hard in abolishing it.

Talking with Nasa, they learnt how the first six months of 2016, individually, were the hottest that had ever been recorded, and due to the soaring temperature, ice caps were melting rapidly. Arctic ice caps during the summer covered 40% less than it had during the 80’s and 90’s, which was why sea levels globally, were ascending.

International Union for the Conservation of Nature (IUCN), an organisation that monitors animal activity and protects them, told them that polar bears were now ‘vulnerable’, facing possible extinction, alongside so many more animals: all conjured to form a red list. It was horrifying to think that so much was the outcome of human activity and it was rarely touched upon, enforced.

Bucky saw the evidence, read and examined it with Jake and Huda, and it proved that as studies showed: the diminishing Arctic and the loss of sea ice were the reasons polar bears could not spend as long hunting, preparing for hibernation, thus, consequently were dying. Annually, their body mass was deteriorating, and it was heart-breaking. It was terrifying.

Bucky encouraged everyone to watch more documentaries with him, learning so much more that he crosschecked with scientists he had befriended. Diseases trapped in the Arctic ice, dormant for centuries, may be awakened by the great thaw and would have devastating effects worldwide. Flowers in the Himalayas, rare and life changing, were vanishing, which was worrying as they were used in medicine. In fact, flowers in general were.

There was word of longer droughts in Africa, animals dying because climate change denied them seasonal rain, and their unsuccessful migrations were killing them. Deserts were increasing in size, places uninhabitable and dangerous, as was destructive weather such as hurricanes and storms.

“I need to go and see this,” Bucky stated, looking at Jake, the face of their soon to birth organisation. “We need to see it for ourselves.”

Nodding slowly, Jake agreed, “l know we do but it’s just, Bucky I haven’t got the funds for something this big and I am not taking your money so don’t even try.”

Bucky sighed, exhaling a breath he hadn’t known he was suppressing, and nodded at Jake, understanding. “The thing is Jake, I am in professional terms your employer, so I need to fund for these trips that we’re making together to ensure we know what we’re fighting against and what we’re trying to preserve. You know?”

“But Buck-”

“He’s right Jake,” Huda added, shrugging as she ate her ice cream. “It’s Bucky’s responsibility to pay for your hotel, plane ticket and any expenses related to this business trip. If you want something unrelated to the thing then you pay, otherwise it’s all on him.”

“I know but...I just, it doesn’t feel right,” Jake admitted, frowning.

“The same happened with us Jake, during the war it was up to the army to pay for our everything: food, clothes, housing if we managed to find something. Anything unrelated to the mission was up to us to pay but the rest was for them,” Steve told him kindly. “And besides, you can’t see Bucky as a friend right now, he’s your boss. A colleague. See him as such and let him fulfil his duties.”

It took some convincing, but when Jake found out that Bucky was going to pay for another colleague of theirs, he succumbed to their will and nodded. Bucky had Steve do the necessary paperwork and didn’t bother explaining his fake passport.

They made plans and decided on locations, asserting a calendar of what they were going to do, and where they’d be in one day. There were many places he wanted to visit, had to see with his own eyes because if they didn’t manage to save them, he’d never see them with his naked eye ever again and the opportunity would be lost.

A six-month expedition, that was what they concluded. It started in the states, travelled around the world, and ended in the Arctic where he’d see the reduction of glaciers and impact of global warming first hand. It wasn’t just for the environment, but wildlife too, he wanted to acquire as much knowledge as he could with the experience because when he was done, he would begin to implement change.

He promised to himself that he would do everything possible to help save the planet. It was his vow, one that he desperately hoped to keep.

Jake nervously bounced from one foot to the other, hands gravitating to his tie and shuffling it methodically. It wouldn’t bother Bucky, had the bow sustained the damage, but with every shake it grew weaker and looked out of place around Jakes neck. Frowning, he leaned towards him and slapped his fingers away from his neck. Sheepish, Jake smiled and dropped his hands.

“You’re going to be fine, relax,” Bucky soothed him, comforting his shoulder with a firm grip. “I’m going to be here the whole time and Steve and Huda will be right at the front for you. You’ve got this Campbell, believe in yourself.”

“I think- I think I’m going to be sick,” Jake complained, chest starting to heave. “I don’t think I can do this Buck, I- what if I mess something up? What if they hate me? What if I freeze? Oh God why did I agree to this, Jesus fuck.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bucky called. “I’m going to touch your face, okay?” Jake nodded tersely. Bucky cupped his face and forced him to look at him in the eyes, refusing to break contact. “You will smash it out there, I don’t doubt it one bit. No one will care if you stutter, no one will care if you mispronounce or miss a couple of words. They’re here to find out what the charity is about and what we plan on doing. They’re not here to judge you.”

Staring earnestly at him, Jake said anxiously, “I’m scared Bucky, it’s just...so many people. There’s a fucking spotlight and the cameramen and- and they’re going to want to ask questions and what if I don’t know something? They’ll tear me apart and fuck, Bucky I don’t think I can do this.”

“Jake Campbell, you have travelled around the world for six months, witnessed things that people in there can only imagine, if you forget something nobody will have you for it. There’s just too much to remember. You don’t have Steve’s memory or even mine so give yourself a break. The tv at the bottom will have everything you need and it’s up to you whether you want to answer any questions, nobody will force you to do anything,” Bucky assured him. “You can do this.”

Jake had anxiety, they all knew it which is why they made the conscious decision to have 100 guests and a few cameramen. When everyone found out that Captain America was invested in the project they wanted access to jump aboard and investigate what was happening. But an invite to everyone was impossible, Jakes comfort was their priority until he could learn how to handle larger crowds. They mutually agreed to that.

So, compromising meant that they recorded Jakes speech live for viewers to watch at home and Steve would give a small explanation himself. Bucky knew that some Avengers were present to support the cause so they all attracted the public eye. Bucky wanted to harness the attention to highlight the real problems and how they planned on taking action.

All of their work and their educating had led up to that moment. They would trigger a greater change. He’d made sure of it.

Bucky vaguely heard Steve and his friends talk of PR using the event to obtain positive attention and help improve their image in the public eye. He was indifferent to the concept, whilst some of them weren’t shy to express to Steve how they felt like leeches that were sucking the goodness of the cause when such talks hovered in the air. They were there because they wanted to be, PR be damned.

But Bucky understood that they were also there to support Steve and because they cared. Stark profusely expressed his interest and even bugged Steve to let him incorporate his own ideas to help strengthen and extend the areas of life their work reached, explaining he could help fund for sustainable energy and find multiple ways to help other businesses do the same. Steve replied with, “I’ll ask Bucky and see what he says, I can’t make any promises Tony.”

Bucky was ecstatic at the possibility and had already decided that he was going to. When the conversation arose later he’d be sure to let Steve know and consider working with Stark. Things were happening so fast, he wasn’t sure what to say or think.

But with a trembling Jake in front of him he had to find _something_. A solution to calm the nerves running awry in Jake's system. He just didn’t know what to do.

“You can do this Jake, I promise you that you can. Getting up there is the hardest part. Just take a deep breath with me, come on,” Bucky instructed.

Inhaling slowly, he waited for seven seconds before exhaling and repeating the gesture, maintaining eye contact and watching Jake do the same. His erratic breathing was harder to combat, but Bucky was prepared to do this forever if it helped.

Suddenly, he remembered something that Huda had told him, how Jake needed something external, something he could feel in order to regulate himself to match that source. Slowly, he held Jake’s fingers and navigated them to his wrists, examining him the entire time to see if he needed to back off.

The discomfort didn't seem to be because of him, thus continued his little experiment to see if it would help. Pressing two fingers against his pulse, he let Jake feel the vibrations under his skin and begged to an unknown deity that it helped him.

Minutes of silence passed around them, where they mimicked each other’s breathing and ignored the world, focussing on one another. Eventually, Jake evidently calmed, breathing under control and heart beating at a much calmer pace. When he looked Bucky in the eyes, the distress was clear but at least he wasn’t working himself up.

“Better?” Bucky asked.

“Better,” Jake affirmed.

It was just in time as someone came up to them, clearly busy and stressed and they said in a clipped voice, “Mr. Campbell you’re up in one minute, once Mr Wilkes is finished you’ll have approximately 20 seconds before you’re required on stage. Someone will collect you then, be prepared.”

Jake greened a little around the edges of his face and nodded with no confidence. Once the advisor left, he looked at Bucky with urgency cloaking his iris and gripped his arms. “I can’t do this.”

Covering his arms with his hand, Bucky disagreed and said, “yes you can, Jake you can do anything. I mean think about it, if those people in there knew who I really was and what I’ve done, do you think they’d stay seated? No, they wouldn’t. Yet you did. You dealt with me when everyone was scared of the blood-stained stranger came looking for a house and have continued to do so, you’re much braver than you look. Trust me.”

“You weren’t that bad,” Jake said with a smile that was supposed to be fond. “Under all that blood and dirt and grease and anger and ‘get away from me before I kill you’ you were really nice!”

“Someone needs to teach you- never mind. Fact is Jakey you can do this. You’re a stubborn asshole with a whole lot of passion and a personality to die for. They're going to love you out there.”

“You're right Bucky, maybe I just got to-"

“Mr Campbell,” the technician from earlier intervened, “it's time to go. Please follow me.”

Jake’s eyes washed with distress. “I can't do this, Bucky I really can't. You were wrong, so so wrong and I am not ready for-"

“Jake,” he interjected firmly, grasping his sight, and not letting go. Softly, he continued, “you can do this.

Jake’s anxiety did not ease, but a hand wrapped behind him and urged him towards the stage, people around him muttering crucial information he wasn’t registering. Hoping his eyes conveyed his words, Bucky wished him the best and felt worried; not for the talk, that would go phenomenal, but for Jake, it was all happening so suddenly.

Jake scrambled onto the stage, appearance slightly dishevelled and laughed nervously. Bucky briefly saw his nervous grin when he turned to the crowd and a hand raise in the air, not waving but just elevated. As though he recognised it looked awkward, Jake retracted it quickly.

Ambling towards the podium, he walked fast and dutiful, transmitting tension in waves to the audience. Bucky watched him eagerly as he approached his stand, fiddling with his bow tie- _Jake, stop that_ \- and tapped the protruding microphone.

It squeaked horrendously and penetrated their ears. Harder than any of them, Jake winced and reeled his hand back, chuckle consumed with his apprehension. “Uh, sorry about that, underestimated the sensitivity of it.”

Bucky could only see the left side of his face and it was drowning in his agitation. Holding his breath, he hoped for the best.

Jake scanned the audience eyes skittish but purposeful, until they rested on an area Bucky knew hosted the likes of Huda, Steve, and some other acquaintances. Grinning, Bucky knew what was coming as some of the stress restricting his muscles loosened and he cleared his throat. He was going to smash it. It was inevitable.

Which he did! His words started strained and forced, dripping with the ugly emotions buried inside, but the longer he spoke and the more significant the words became, a strong passion washed over him and he lost himself in his speech. Every word meant something to him and it became apparent as he waved his hands, questioned the audience, and incorporated stories that weren’t in his initial speech.

So, when he finished, awkwardly fumbling to a conclusion as he realised that it was over, he clasped his hands together and backed down, smiling sheepishly but exhilarated at the same time. From behind the stage, Bucky clapped and whooped the loudest, attracting Jake’s attention for a split second and causing his smile to bloom.

He heard Steve whistle, something he did constantly in rehearsals and an exuberant, “yes Jake! You smashed it!” Huda was probably doing the same.

All but running off the stage, Jake threw his arms around Bucky and hugged him tightly. Laughing brightly, Bucky held onto him all the same. He could feel the other vibrating with adrenaline and euphoria.

“Jesus Buck that was incredible!” he admitted, voice full of awe and mirth. “I did it Bucky! I went up there and I did it!”

“Yes, you did Jakey boy,” Bucky affirmed, “you, as Steve said, smashed it!”

“I actually did it,” Jake repeated, voice reducing to match everyone else's but full of wonder nonetheless. “I didn’t think I could and I was so nervous but...but the more I spoke the better I felt, and it just _made sense_.”

“I’m so proud of you Jake,” Bucky told him, rubbing his flesh hand up and down his back. “So, so proud.”

He didn’t get anything else in before Huda barrelled through and enveloped them both into a hug of her own, Steve’s laugh following. He felt her snake around his body, so she was by Jake and put each arm around one of them, squeezing. Instinctively, Bucky’s eyes closed but he was quick to open them.

“Get in here Stevie, a quadruple hug is rarer than the eclipse,” he told him, head leaning as back as he could.

“Alright Bucky, okay. I’m here don’t worry about it. Here to save the day as always,” he teased, engulfing all of them.

With the limited space he had, Bucky settled for nudging Steve with his shoulder with no real heat. Still, just for a show, Steve exclaimed, “ow!” moving back to rub the non-existent pain.

Huda wasn’t having any of it and drew him in before his theatrics started, warning, “if you don’t stand still for me to savour this I will cut off your toes Rogers.”

He heard Steve gulp. Steve hugged them properly and securely, whispering into Bucky’s ear, “she can’t ever meet Natasha.”

“Agreed, they’ll conquer the world.”

“They’re like twins,” Steve complained, astonished.

Bucky hummed. Huda was similar to Natasha in many ways, but different in so many fundamental ways too. They’d balance each other out he supposed. Them meeting, if they hadn’t already as Steve implied, would be something worth seeing.

Steve insisted that the Avengers didn’t hate him and wanted to meet him, but he was still wary of a formal meeting. But for an interaction between a deadly spy and usually tired college student, he would push aside his paranoia just to witness it. He couldn’t miss it.

Steve and Huda congratulated Jake incessantly before they were all broken up by the same technician reappearing and warning Steve that he had to go on stage. He was noticeably more composed than Jake, but then again he never did fear scrutiny, having his body subjected to so many microscopes, he was self-assured and presented himself like the prize he was. It was mesmerising.

His speech was brilliant and exactly how they rehearsed, down to the sighs and the pauses. And when he finished the hall erupted in claps and mumbled praises, captivated with the stories and the desires he envisioned. He was always the most eloquent out of the two.

Eventually, they all met Jake’s parents who fawned over and scolded him for keeping such an event a secret. He was embarrassed, it was obvious even without the obnoxious questions emerging from Billy, but he explained to them the media version of the story; how he conjured the idea, obtained Steve’s support, funded the entire thing- they had covered everything.

They were incredibly impressed and so very proud of Jake, which may not have been a regular occurrence going by the watery eyes that accompanied Jake’s smile as he hugged them. Huda, Steve, and he gave them some privacy and walked around.

But, luck running out, the Avengers found them straight away and honed in on Steve like moths to a light. Swallowing a terse breath, Bucky prepared for a conversation that could only go downhill and end in gunfire and death.

Instead, he was met with: “huh, he’s a little small to be the infamous Winter Soldier, don’t you think?”

“Tony,” Steve said, fond but also on the edge, like he was expecting this to escalate and would diffuse the situation, play as a mediator.

But Bucky replied with a, “huh, he’s a little too short to be the incredible Iron Man, don’t you think?” and the smile that developed on Steve’s face was worth all the effort the put into speaking. He’d do anything to see it last.

“Hi, Tony Stark, but you already know that.” Tony was grinning, pleased, and offered a hand that wasn’t occupied with a drink.

“Bucky Barnes, which I definitely know you already know,” Bucky responded, grabbing Tony’s hand, and shaking it firmly.

“Oh, for God’s sake-” Natasha muttered. Pushing past Tony and ignoring Bucky, she smiled at Huda and greeted, “Hi, Natasha Romanoff, and you are?”

Huda seemed stunned, eyes fixed on the family of outcasts in front of her. Steve looked over Bucky to see her and frowned when he noted her face. “She wasn’t like that when she saw me.”

“That’s because you dressed like a grandpa and didn’t exactly act any younger than that,” she replied quickly, eyebrow raising at him. Steve gaped at her delightedly. Collecting herself, she addressed Natasha with a smile, “Huda, the only reason any of this happened really. These guys doing any work would kill them from what it seems.” She rolled her eyes.

“Don’t I know it,” Natasha murmured, glancing at her friends and shaking her head. “Keeping these guys alive without Steve is a mission in itself and I do not get paid enough for all the babysitting I do.”

“Wait-” Hawkeye started, eyes wide and incredulous, “you get _paid_?”

In retrospect, their meeting went as good as it could have gone, even when Jake joined them. Steve couldn’t stop smiling and radiating happiness like an uncontrollable blaze that was raving the forest floors.

When the night ended, gone so much better than any of them expected, Bucky cuddled Steve on the swing chair, head resting on his chest and arm splayed across his waist. They were gazing into the distance, where the ragged mountain peaks soared to the skies they could never touch but desperately wished to.

On his back, a small part of his skin was exposed to the warm air as Steve drew incoherent designs on the skin, absent minded. It was everything Bucky ever wanted but thought he could never have. and having attained it, he was on cloud nine in a reality where the sky was painted black with his crimes.

“Hey Buck?” Steve hummed.

“Yeah?”

Looking down at him, Steve pressed a tender kiss to his forehead and Bucky's eyes fluttered shut, operating on their own accords.

“The future’s not so bad with you in it,” Steve told him.

“You know what Stevie? It’s not so bad with you in it too, you punk,” he replied.

 “Jerk.”

Everything had an end. A point in which it halts, unable to maintain acceleration, coaxed back into submission. Surrendering to the clutches of its handlers. Laying in Steve’s arm, Bucky had finally found his end after decades on the run from himself.

He found a home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's done! it's finished! the end is here!
> 
> thank you so much for reading this, for loving Jake and Huda as much as I have, for being so damn kind and just...generally sticking through with this?? this was a huge experiment for me and I never intended to post it anywhere bc of how boring it might be to some (I mean, I really got animals and global warming and nature in this lmao) but you read it and I just <33
> 
> I sincerely hoped you guys enjoyed this fic, you weren't too disappointed with the last chapter, and are generally satisfied with what you read bc jake needed a job asap and I had to give him one lol
> 
> if you have any questions just let me know in the comments or tumblr (bountifulsilences) or twitter (AwestruckBuck) bc I have left some things for you guys to decide but I can tell you what I thought whilst writing it!! 
> 
> and saying goodbye to these guys, officially, is a knife to my chest I just...I grew super attached to them and whilst this isn't something I think is brilliantly written and has multiple flaws, it gave me solace to write when I felt upset or happy or generally just whenever (i have scenes that didn't make it into this fic and i might recycle them into a later one if you're interested!!)
> 
> but, this is the end and i just want to say i love you all for reading and being so damn awesome. 
> 
> thank you!!! :)


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